Dating a Person with ADHD - Do I Continue?

ADHD Marriage: 

There is a very interesting forum conversation going on that I would like to highlight here for those who are interested in whether or not they should continue dating someone with ADHD.  In a nutshell, the original poster is nervous about whether or not the problems she sees in her relationship with her boyfriend with ADHD will always be present or if they can be improved.  Her fear that he might not be able to “change,” or that the side of him she sees now is just hyperfocus courtship (i.e. not the “real” him) is keeping her from emotionally investing in the relationship.  What’s really interesting about this conversation is the very thoughtful responses she has received from those who have been in the ADHD/marriage trenches.  If you are interested in contributing to this topic or just seeing what is going on, I urge you to go to this link.  Please, no “run!” responses – there are plenty of those around and they aren’t as helpful as the posters often think they are.

Comments

I have been in a relationship

I have been in a relationship with my ADHD guy for three years.   We were friends at first, then more because he was so overwhelmingly attentive, charming  and fun that I couldn't resist him.  We are the middle of our third major "breakup".

 Unfortunately, the hyperfocus will absolutely change at some point.  You have to decide whether it is the guy you love or the attention he is giving you or both. We did have problems when the hyperfocus ended.  I assumed his feelings had changed or that there was someone else.  I am still not 100% sure about it, but that is partially my issue as well as his.  He states that I "set the expectations in the relationship so high that he couldn't sustain them".  While I understand it isn't something he does or did on purposes, it doesn't mean it won't feel different and hurt when the attention shifts.

There is also a lack of filter when he is angry, so there are things he has said that are incredibly hurtful.  He also over reacts when there is an argument and wants to quit.  There is absolutely no concept of how his actions make me feel.  He understands when he says something hurtful that it is hurtful, but he still doesn't really have any concept of my perspective.

The good thing about the relationship is that the 95% of the time that the relationship is good, it is wonderful.  Fun, energetic, enthusiastic, intense, loving and respectful.  The 5% of the hard times are really, really, really, really hard.  If you can figure out how to get through the bad times and either make progress or just get through them, the relationship will be the best you've ever had.  But the 5% is the worst time you have ever had.  It's a trade off I'm willing to have, but right now he is not. So be conscientious of how he will react during the bad times as well.

 

 

learn negotiation skills now

You have an opportunity to learn negotiation skills now that may help you.  In my book I talk about verbal cues and how useful they can be in keeping a conversation from escalating into something hurtful - sounds as if that would be one good strategy for the two of you to use.  You need to find a way to extricate yourself from a conversation that is going in the wrong direction and about to get hurtful.  Often you can see it coming (though sometimes not).  One option is to get into the habit of saying something like "I'm interested in hearing your opinion, but interested in your beating me up while you give it to me.  So I'm going to leave the room now and how to talk with you about this later when you've calmed down."

RUN AWAY before you get hurt!

I'M still with this person hoping things are going to get better. I have been married for 6 months and i want out!! He wanted to file for divorce the very next day we got married and almost every 2 weeks! He was diagnosed with ADHD before we got married, i was too preoccupied with the wedding that did not pay attention to his disorder. We dated for 5 years, and he always blames me for his temper, short fuse, I'm the one provoking his anger. He has gone from breaking lamps, TV, Phones everything that is on his way, punching wall, doors, and more. I just recently started to learn about the disorder. I regret everything from day one till now that i have allowed in the relationship. He refused to attend to our therapy today, and left home this evening, who knows where he is right now. Is this how I deserve to spend Valentine's day?! seriously, I'm taking medication everyday to help me relax and be able to sleep and function at work.

I'm terrified, I have panic attacks every time he raises his voice, and shouts at me, that is the way they control the situation, verbally abusing us! Don't SETTLE for those good moments, read and educate yourself about ADHD.

nomorebadhead's picture

95% GOOD 5% BAD

Honey if my marriage of 11 years was 95% good and 5% bad I would feel like I'd died and gone to heaven. there is something you aren't considering! disorganized people cannot live with organized people! its simple physics. I hoped differently at a point in my life a long time ago! but imagine trying to contantly re-negotiate your marraige every month, like your adhd'er has amnesia. it's freegin exhausting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great statistics

I agree with you nomorebadhead - those stats would be heaven!! And yep, the disorganisation is one part I have had to give up on.  I can't stand how messy the house is unless i clean it up, but it's just too much work everyday so I gave up.  I can so relate to the re-negotiation side of things. Absolutely exhausting!!  How do you continue to find the energy to keep going and parenting and everything else?  I've been married to my ADHD H for nearly 16 years and struggle some days to find a reason to get out of bed. (Except that the children have to get to the bus stop for school...) How do you maintain your own wellbeing?

nomorebadhead's picture

wellbeing maintenence

wellbeing is a bold term. in fact I am beginning to think adhd and depression are contagious. like you some days i am so tired of living in such a cluttered house id rather just sleep. I have told my wife( every time we fight) I just cant live in your disorganized world. so she says ok i know i need to get some help and blah blah blah... its all BS a week later we are right back to her leaving huge messes all around the house, spending blocks of time searching for furniture on craigslist. I have made a revelation in studying my wife's behavior in the past several years. It is not attention deficit disorder, it should be called attention misappropriation disorder. its amazing what they can pay attention to and what they will not. we can be swimming in things that have to be done like messy house, no groceries, kids homework, cars are out of gas and my wife says I think im going to make some curtains. which would be great but we don't need curtains. even if we did though she hasn't finished one of these whim projects in years if ever. so anyway sorry i was rambling, WINE, I am a huge red wine fan and thats how I cope. :-}

I could not agree more. I

I could not agree more. I truly regret having done it for more than thirty years. No more.

same story

Your post was so long ago but it is exactly what I am going through.  My boyfriend was amazing one year ago when we met - he would send me long emails, flirt, text, take me on fun dates, etc.  He then remained as attentive but I slipped into the drivers seat as far as planning most of our dates and we had a blast! He changed jobs and everything just came to a crashing halt - all of the attention, the initating of intimacy, the interest in me, etc.  He swears it is that he was unable to sustain that level of communication as in the beginning.  I fell for this for awhile b/c I love him.

We are set to get engaged shortly and I am starting to get a bit scared of how I am feeling.  I am a smart college educated girl with a ton going for me.  I also got very ill a couple of years ago so I am in a situation where I am a bit more dependent on others than I would like to be.

I want to be in a healthy relationship where two people are making an effort.  When I took a step back from planning so much for us and contacting him so much (I grew to be a bit - ok, VERY needy/clingy), I realized how much dead air there is - how there are not any dates taking place at all - and how there is no courting at all.

I don't know what to do but I read your post and I swear, it mirrors my relationship (including the short temper).

Confused Chicago girl.

Education and choices

Hi chicago girl, Yes most of our stories read quite the same. I have had a few rants here on this forum about my ADHD husband of 16 years and the bottom line is this - whether you continue with this guy or not is totally your choice, and whatever you choose is your responsibility. When I met my H he mentioned in passing that he had been diagnosed 'hyperactive' as a child, but I did not see the brevity of this opportunity at the time. I say opportunity because I firmly believe that at every point life offers us choices and opportunities. I had the opportunity to find out more about so-called hyperactivity but missed the poignance of the comment at the time. Now, nearly 18 years and two children later, I can honestly say that had I've learned about the condition we now call ADHD, I probably would've pulled the pin on the relationship in its early stages. BUT - along with some of the most heartbreaking and lonely times we have had a lot of amazing times too. Also, if I had've ended the relationship way back then my life would be totally different now. I would not have my beautiful son and daughter, I would not have my wonderful little house. I also would not be the same person that I have become. I guess what I'm trying to say is a bit like a Zen phrase of life - the pointy, rough rock in the river does not become smooth and beautiful over time without some buffetting and shape-changing by the river. Most of us don't appreciate the wonderful changes and evolution that come from the challenges in life because we're largely taught to seek an easy path. However we don't learn and evolve while cruising the easy path.

My advice to you is to educate yourself on ADD/ADHD and thereby make choices with foundation, rather than winging it and hoping that one day the relationship will return to its idyllic fairytale self. This is never going to happen. Life with this guy is always going to be a bit lonely and confusing at times, it may also be quite disorganised and frustrating. Even positively heartbreaking....  Also, it's important to keep in mind while you're reading through this forum that most of us who have challenging partners log on when we're feeling really lonely and sad about our choices. Our lives aren't always terrible, there are good times. But we're usually so busy enjoying and milking those moments for all they're worth that we don't feel the need to connect on the forum. Like I said earlier, I've had my rants during some of those down times, and that's probably one of the main things to consider as you read the various posts - it's not all bad and sad, but it is challenging. It's also really important at this early stage to have some clear and blunt communication with your guy about his differences. Is he accepting of his differences? Does he appreciate and understand that at times you will be frustrated with him and he will need to be open to hear what you have to say? Is he prepared to enter into some sort of management program and educate himself also about the effects his differences will have on your relationship?

Best wishes to you honey in whatever you decide, just don't allow yourself to be taken for granted and don't devalue your own self worth.

same story part 2

Hi chicagogirl,

I am reading this and it's like I am the one writing it because almost EVERYTHING has happened to me, including the job change (him), the illness(me) and I also live in Chicago.  I've been with my ADHD boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, I moved from the city to the burbs for him (something I absolutely did NOT want to do) and we're basically like roommates now.  He's purchased an engagement ring but hasn't proposed and I am more and more thankful each day because I really don't know if I can go through with marrying him.  We have almost no physical relationship, I feel he's manipulative, he is a terrible housekeeper, can be bossy and demanding.  

The first 8 weeks of the relationship were wonderful, however there were times he'd say things that were very off-putting.  At the time, I chose to ignore this.  He told me he loved me 1 week into our relationship and that he wanted to marry me on our 2nd date.  At first I thought it was a "love-at-first-sight" occurrence but soon came to realize it was far from that.  I broke up with him twice in the first year we were together, we somewhat worked out the differences we had and I agreed to move in with him.  While there have been positive points since then, I've become more and more unhappy as time goes by.  I've tried to tell him that we should work on our relationship and he sees nothing wrong with the way things are and furthermore tries to tell me he's happy.  I told him I didn't see how we could entertain getting married and spending the rest of our lives together with things the way they are right now.  

I do love him, and I know he loves me, but I am 34 and he's 36 - I don't want to make a BIG mistake at this age.  I found this website because I'm searching for answers and willing to try and make things work by changing our lifestyles and communication.  Then again, part of me feels if we are having these problems before we even get married, that we shouldn't move any further.    

I keep praying the Universe will guide me in the right direction.

 

 

 

      

Some other underlaying Issues involved (not just the ADHD)

I've been reading a lot of posts about how the ADHD spouse gets ruthlessly angry and violent, and how these horrible characteristics are supposed to define adhd.

I am sorry to say that your spouses probably have some other underlaying issues as well, don't blame it on ADHD. Some people are just horrible, with or without adhd.

I have had severe ADHD since I was a child and have never lifted my hand to strike anyone I've had a relationship with nor have I been verbally abusive, even when we have disagreed or argued about something...usually I would see it as my fault..though I would try not to admit it, i knew there was always something different about me and the way I operated , I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, in the past I have founded two successful software companies (I am currently on my second), which I am so passionate about. ADHD also has its advantages if one is able to harness them.

While I have had issues in my relationships, like always being late, procrastinating, being disorganized and forgetting things like dates and anniversaries. I would always go out of my way to make it up to my girlfriends, the problem is this would make me feeling frustrated about myself and leave me drained because I would see that the poor girls really wanted it to work, but my tardiness and a few of those things that come with adhd..were putting a toll on them..and this has led be to pull the plug on 4 relationships..the girls were really hurt, one of whom I truly loved but yeah..I guess we adhd people are meant to be lonely.

Two of my ex-girlfriend's saw something in me and tried to push me towards my goals, one of them...Patricia, during college would make my time table and call me up an hour before to get me to my next important meeting/commitment, she was a law student and I was a Computer Science/Engineering major, both of us had no idea I had adhd. In retrospect breaking up with her was a Big mistake, I thought I was doing her a favor, that she deserved better and it would happen any way when she finally go fed up and I would stop feeling horrible about myself for being such a jerk (Since I had no idea I had adhd..I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough). Needless to say I ended  up dropping out to found my company but I feel that with her by my side I would really have been much further along, maybe one of silicon valleys hot shots and would probably have finished my degree to, not that it matters now any way. I am doing really well and my company employs 15 people and we recently received $1.5 M in venture capital funding.

Bottom line is if you really love him and he/she is willing to do this with you, have a heart to heart talk about this, look at the positive side of ADHD and try to come up with a long term plan to help him/her adopt better habits and routine. Do a lot of research together about it. Exploit the benefits of adhd, it will require a lot of work from both of you and it may seem like you are giving more than he/she is, but if you really love this person and want it to work..this may be your best shot.

Also you should take up exercising at least 3 -5 times a week to increase dopamine and serotonin levels in his/her body , increase intake of Omega-3 fatty acids, by watching his diet, reduce sugary foods which increase hyperacivity. 

Some helpful links

http://www.businessinsider.com/ceo-learning-disabilities-2011-5?op=1#ixz...

http://healthyliving.msn.com/diseases/adhd/the-upside-of-adhd-1

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8697.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8415.html

http://www.inc.com/magazine/201205/liz-welch/way-i-work-greg-selkoe-ceo-...

http://www.coachingforadhd.com/adhd-blog/adults/the-adhd-entrepreneurial...

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8642.html

I started dating a charming

I started dating a charming ADHD gentleman approximately a year and half ago.  We got an apartment together quickly and the arguments came on STRONG.  I could not believe this prince charming of an individual would have zero attention span whatsoever.  All the symptoms.. loses everything keys, wallet, debit card, license, pass port, work documents, chap stick, hair gel, deodorant.. you catch my drift.., easily distracted.., work is scattered (brain is scattered), MESSY slobster, high-strung, extremely sheltering lover, passionate.  I'm a trained GAAP auditor, I'm detail oriented, organized, specific, and focused.  Needless to say, we clashed HARD.  I was torn to say the least.  I had no idea what was the problem at first until I realized he was psychologically, slightly off balance.  My love for him pushed me to find a way to survive.  Truth is, if you love him you will work with him and not expect him to change.  I love mine so I find pleasure in cleaning up after him, its a huge support system for him, and I'm gratified with a sense of being needed in the relationship.  I love him so I often choose not to respond when talking about controversial issues.  I am educationally opinionated so I save political debates for the office; let the boyfriend speak his mind and be a listener at home.  I feel empowered and strong enough to survive AND flourish in this relationship. 

 

I'm sure many women need support when dealing with ADHD men.  My only suggestion is to blog it out.  Take deep breaths.  (And learn to just laugh at the times you find fruit snack wrappers in the shower.. or enter your dude's  s c a t t e r e d  habit here _______)  =) ha.

I think you have a very good

I think you have a very good point in many ways, I also am with you on the love part, I still am in the period where I love to do things for my husband (more of "mommy things" if you understand what I mean) however, we have both not been in the relationships for as long as most women on here. Most women on here seem to have YEARS of marriage and at least one child in the resume. So I feel that before I get a few years on my neck I can't actually say this for sure.. at one point, when there is a REAL baby in the relationship I think maybe we get bored/tired/sick of it.

I'm the one with ADD, however so I don't have to look after my husband in the same way that the women have to here. Also a lot of the diagnosed people that are being discussed on this site (mostly husbands) seem to have some other issues as well. Sometimes violence, denial, being immature, alcohol abuse..

Beets, I think you are lucky to be able to do that

I wish I had the kind of income and health that would allow me to support my husband and do all that is necessary to maintain our home. Alas, it is not true in my case. I am physically unable to do everything needed-laundry, cleaning, cooking. I was also unable to support us both while he chose not to work and it was my needs that went by the wayside and not his.

Please think long and hard before you have children with him. You may very well find that you can't do everything needed to take care of children and a home without input from him (and you won't get it if you've never asked for it before). I envy you your strength. Marrying someone with ADHD nearly killed me. 

Living and dealing with

Living and dealing with someone with ADHD is not easy. It is a constant struggle for me everyday, especially since I am the polar opposite of my significant other. Laundry, cleaning and cooking are everyday tasks. When it comes to handling these tasks for someone with ADHD it is comparable to caring for a child. (I personally do not want to have children; the process of pregnancy freaks me out!) Im currently young and energetic enough to care for my 30 year old child, Im also fully exhausted at the end of each day, physically and mentally. I talk myself through the difficult times. Do your research and be aware of the disorder. You will understand him and his antics better if you study. When times are hard, I take a step back, analyze the situation, and blame the disease, not him. See if he will study the disorder with you. Perhaps he will understand himself better and recognize what his specific symptoms are that put stress on the relationship. Remember, he should want the relationship to work as much as you do. That being said, you also need to distinguish what he can control between things the disease prevents him from controlling. Make sure he takes his medicine! The physical stresses of cleaning and constant effort needed to survive all the mini mental break downs will undoubtedly cause most relationships to end in divorce. Its not easy, its not fair, you didn't ask for this, its not your fault, you didn't see this coming. It takes a special kind of person to survive the daily struggle of living with someone with ADHD. You need to be utterly selfless in a world where men and women try so hard to be treated equally. Women work and earn similar to men which leaves cooking and cleaning responsibilities up for debate. But when you live with someone with ADHD, you must accept all the homecare responsibilities.  You also need to be patient.  Do not let his forgetfulness and inability to get out of the door on time annoy you, see if it annoys him.  If you don't complain he has no one to blame or fight with but himself.  and_so_on_and_so_on_

Are you sure this is how you want to live?

You seem to have committed yourself to being your BF's "parent." I believe that the best relationships are partnerships, where the two people are committed to a common goal, be it keeping their home, raising kids, going to school, etc. Even if I were not handicapped, I would not want to be involved in a relationship where contributions were so unequal. My fear is that  if you need him he won't be there for you. If you break your leg, would you get "what do you mean, you can't do laundry because you are on crutches?"

Honestly, I don't mean to criticize you, and you may enjoy what he brings to the relationships enough for it all to be worth it. But accepting all that responsibility sounds hard to me.

I am trying to be as

I am trying to be as optimistic as I possibly can in a troubling situation.  I do not mind accepting the parent title in my relationship, he fulfills my needs above and beyond in our partnership.  He is actually always there for me when I need him; I realize this could be part of hyperfocus; (I've witnessed my boyfriend go over 2 months without doing laundry.  If I couldn't do laundry for a while he honestly wouldn't notice.)  I fell in love with my boyfriend's charming personality and thriving passion for life and adventure.  I've never felt the way I do for him for any one else.  I am a realist at the same time and fully aware feelings come and go with life and change.  MY fear is that I will not be able to keep up with his hyperactive mind.  My fear is the gambling.  This is not going to be easy.  There will never be a dull moment.

I did not realize this sight

I did not realize this sight was mostly for married couples.  I was just looking for a way to express my feelings and attitude.  My boyfriend possess the violence, being immature, alcohol and drug abuse, gambling, and anxiety issues.  He is not in denial about his ADHD but he still does not realize when the symptoms of his disease are affecting him.  He has trouble linking certain behaviors to the disease.
 

married or not.. in it up to my neck

I am not married to my ADHD partner but took on the role very quickly out of need. I had been married ( 15 yrs.) and still ended up divorced. I would not marry my man right now even if he thought of asking. We have enough problems. He is another child and I guess I took on that role. For the last 6 years.  Most times I accept it and just shake my head. The messiness and lack of even caring is frustrating. I can't count the times he has said " well don't do it then, I don't care". Forgetting that I live here too. My biggest problem is the way his mind thinks. How he can take the biggest problems he has created and I mean big and making it like it's my problem I won't accept it. Drugs have been a constant problem in our relationship. He has tried a number of different treatments and failed. Is this associated with the ADHD? I would assume so.  He also has been very destructive and violent. Usually breaking something of mine because he doesn't own anything of his own. Black and blue I have been and a few broken bones. And rivers!!!!! of tears. Even our dog knows when to hide. Another fear is that this ADHD knowledge becomes a excuse that has already been played out. I realize that it is real.. I live with the fallout everyday. But as we discover this book together will the tools that I use and the tools he uses allow him to stop making excuses and take some responsibility. Take some of the work of this relationship off me. Truly is hard work. I am a strong woman but I have problems of my own that I must manage. Sometimes it feels like I have no one that takes care of me. ( most times) I have been in the hospital and he basically saw that as a good time to take my bank card and go get high. Unbelievable. I get very scared about who would take care of me if I needed it. I want to feel safe and this is just not the way it is. Will I ever. Can he grow up. I am also afraid of what will happen if there is a tragedy ( his father who he says he hates is now in his second battle with cancer) how will he react and how devistatingly hard it is going to be on me. I often wait for the day his family thanks me or laughs at me behind my back for taking their "problem " off their hands. I've said to his mother a few times that it is really hard raising HER son. No pats on the back here. If you want it or think you might be able to survive it and you still love him when he's sleeping then it's still on for another day.

ADHD and co-disorders

A lot of ADHD'ers have multiple disorders going on like conduct disorders - depression and lifelong frustration play a big role too (you see a lot of violent outbursts, property destruction, etc. with conduct disorders).  Also a lot of people with Bi-polar disorder know potential lovers will "run" if they admit to having Bi-polar disorder so they SAY they have ADHD because that's more acceptable.  On top of all of that you have people's natural personality traits - are they spoiled?, selfish?, lazy?  Don't believe it's all ADHD and accept it because you feel sorry for them...you're being manipulated.  We women are easy to manipulate because we want to be loved so much.

Lolo

Hey

Ur so strong! I have an ADHD person in my own life is hard but ppl like u,are ab inspiration . Please give me anytips to Be Better.I wanna help him.

Did Not do my homework!

My love also struggles with ADHD. We recently found each other on Facebook after 30 years of both being married to others.  WE go back awhile , Him and I were great best friends when we were in our 20's. So, Almost 30 yrs later he finds me on FB under my maiden name and the sparks began to fly.  We both could not believe the passion we both carried for each other, our new found relationship was so intense!  I felt like I have found my "soul Mate" for real this time.

So a year has gone by. During this time he has mentioned to me his ADHD diagnosis that his ex-wife insisted he had and to get help for!  Bless her soul, she did do the right thing on that part. So after 8 months or so into this passionate relationship, the phone calls became less, the text messages, the weekends together etc..  I struggled with the fact that his love for me was diminishing.  I then became angry at him for this and started aggressively belting out rude comments and texts at him. Which only began to shut him down from me. See he also struggles with confrontations, he can not stand to argue or get angry at anyone. This only made me think he could not stand up for what he believes is right.

In my ignorance I broke it off (several times)  and this last time, I cleared everything out of his home that reminded him of "us". And left not speaking to him for 3-4 weeks..... thinking he will come back to me, but forget that he is one who does not like confrontations...so this will not happen as I know now.

  I truly love this man , I now have done all my research on adult ADHD and to my surprise and my ignorance - I have figured him out!  I should have done this in the beginning when he first told me he had ADHD.  Now I totally understand why he does what he does and should not take it personally, it is the disorder! 

So now here I sit alone, trying to get him to take me back because now I get it, and want to be with him.  He is deciding if he wants to start this again because he now knows me a little better and says I am not consistent with my emotions, and he's not sure if this is what he wants to deal with anymore.  (My emotional outbreaks were because I thought he was doing things on purpose to push me away, when it was never like that.) His feelings for me have never changed during our time together.

Maybe this is a good lesson to others who are dating someone with ADHD and think they know what it is about.  I say do your homework!!  Understanding it will help you to understand this love!  Don't make the same mistakes by being ignorant to it.  If you are a caring,patient person than you will accept the differences and create a wonderful life together! 

 

I am hoping and praying at 55 that I can have my soul mate back again and enjoy maybe the next 20-30yrs together!  So I just wait.....

 

 

 

I don't think you will ever

I don't think you will ever get your "soul mate" back, unless you come back as a new person, or a person he loves at a distance. We have been married 20 years and the attention that was there at the beginning has not come back after the first year of marriage. I notice with his siblings, he's amazingly affectionate, but it is because he rarely sees/talks to them, and when he does, he's especially hyper focused and on "best behavior" with them. They don't see the real him at all. Just my son and I see the real thing.

Doing your homework is one thing, having enough love and patience to get through a lifetime together of it is another thing, and honestly the biggest question and challenge: whether your ADHD mate will work with you. They may or may not.

 

My guy sounds just like yours

I too love my Man and we too connected after 30 years.  And I too launched a barrage of complaints -- all about not paying attention to me.  I don't know if I can just not be hurt by it even though it is the disease and not him.  And now he is hiding out.  We have hardly talked in the last month.  We are long distance.  I actually think that has helped him be in a relationship because he can pretty well ignore me except for one weekend a month and for a few phone calls.  And he treats the calls like things on his to do list, which, of course, pisses me off.  

So, did you and your guy reconnect?  It is so hurtful to hear him say he's not sure he wants to continue.  But hearing that you heard the same phrase, helps me feel like at least I'm not alone.  He's my guy, why can't he reach out and grab me literally and figuratively and tell me he wants me and wants to be my guy?

Please let me know how things are going for you.

 

 

Same guy

You post is almost a year old but I just wanted to know how things have worked out for you.  I don't know what the right thing to do here.  Just leave him alone or try to contact him..........

Is he honest and just struggling with his ADHD?

Good morning,

I just found this website today, and I am so glad I did, because I keep struggling with my issues for weeks and months and really need some input from people who are going through similar things.

This is going to be a quite long story, because I believe I have to start from the very beginning in order to have you understand everything. Also, English is not my native language, so I hope I will be able to articulate myself in a way that you understand everything. If not, please feel free to correct me ;)

I am Austrian and moved to the Caribbean 4 years ago. Soon after the move I got divorced from my husband of 4 years, and soon after got into a new relationship with a local man (african american). That relationship lasted 2.5 years.
After that break-up, which was initiated by myself because I realized that I was in a very abusive (not physically) and addictive relationship, I dated 2 other local man (both african american), but it didn't work out because I am very set in my ways when it comes of my personal goals. One of them is to find a man who actually wants a serious and long-term relationship, one who is able to be honest and faithful to his woman, and these characteristics sadly are very rare in the Caribbean society. I am 37 and I was just tired of "wasting" my time with men who didn't know what they want, or who simply were looking for plain fun and sex. So I stopped dating men and focused more on my daughter and my job.

Yet I was feeling very lonely sometimes, and since one of my major goals is to be a "whole" family again, with the right man on my side, I started trying out online dating. That was in September 2010.
Only a short time after starting to put up my profile to an interracial dating website (I have to admit, and for your information, I am very much attracted to african american men), I met HIM. He is my age, 38 now, and we immediately "clicked". We were talking very much, emailing, chatting, and it was just exciting, discovering the many similar interests and goals. We both did things in our past we aren't proud of, but made us to the persons we are right now.
From the very beginning I was totally honest and open to him, and so was he. He told me right away that he was in prison for drug dealing when he was younger, and that he is still on parole for at least another 10 months. At first I was quite "shocked", but also surprised by his honesty, and after hearing a few other stories from his past, I sympathized with him and found myself thinking very highly about that man who so openly told me things that might scare away some women. Somehow I got the impression that he really changed, and I thought I had to give him a chance to prove that he really is honest and wants a better life.

He also got 2 sons, 18 and 14, from two women, and he loves both of them very much, talks about them all the time, and he also told me that he still got a very good relation with both mothers.

We had a really "explosive" and exciting start, we couldn't get enough of talking to each other, and both our phone bills were running very high... ;) He lives in Chicago, by the way, as you see, that's a long way down to Grenada, where I live. I maybe would not have proceeded with this, if we wouldn't have talked so much about our future plans and priorities. He was always telling me that he was a bad cheater in his past, didn't care about other people's feelings etc., but that he changed and really wants a lasting relationship. What stunned me was, that I could so much relate to that, because I too was a cheater in my past, and only a few years back I realized what I really wanted. This has something to do with age and maturity I think, and I told him that I was in the same "circle" of getting into a new relationship, "honeymoon phase", getting into routine, getting bored, "breaking out" and looking for something new and exciting, break up, new relationship, same circle again............over and over! I realized that once you find a man who does understand that this circle will continue all your life if you don't stop it yourself, and get out of it by remembering what it takes to have a honest and lasting relationship, and to really TRY and make it better, you HAVE to hold on to it and fight for it, and not giving up on it too easily. In him, I thought I found exactly this man, because we were thinking so similar and also our values and goals in life, the same!

I am a very impulsive and "intense" woman, and once I find something I really like, I would do almost everything to make it happen, to get it. In my past, more than one man told me that I am so much like a "Latina", so passionate, loving and intense, that sometimes I "choke" them with my attention. I was aware of that and was working on it, and I think that I am quite good in the meantime. I am not trying to choke the man in my life, but be a real woman and friend for him, but in return, I expect the same from my man.

So short after we met, I fell in love with him, because of the way he treated me, and because we had an excellent communication. We could tell each other everything, and even though we only communicated over the phone and internet still, there was a deep connection I have never felt before in my life to a man.
Then, in November, only a bit more than a month after we met, his mother got very sick and had to go to the hospital, she almost died and since then she never got out of there. My boyfriend was with her most of the time of the first month, besides his hard job and commuting 4 hours every day to and from work. I tried to be there for him, supporting him as good as I could, from far away. He told me more than once that he is so happy that he met me, and that he needs me so much in his life, because I make a difference in his life. Sometimes he would be so down and depressed, he would say that he couldn't bear loosing his mother and me, because it was very hard for me sometimes to keep up the support, because I was going through a very difficult phase in my life as well. I had my own problems, but of course his were way tougher, because having your own mother in the hospital, about to die.....compared to that my own issues seemed minor. So I kept up supporting him, assuring him of my love (yes, I told him that I loved him only one month after we met), no matter what.

It was about the same time when he was at the hospital day and night, to be with his mother, when he told me about his ADHD. I have never heard of this before in adults, and so far, I didn't really recognize any symptoms of it in his actions or behaviour. Yes, he was distracted sometimes, but I thought that was because of his mother being in hospital and all his problems with his job etc. so I didn't really pay attention but just kept going.
He asked me to be patient with him, and not judge him too quickly but consider some of his behaviour being caused by his disorder. Honestly, I really never worried about it in the beginning, up to now.

In December, I had planned a 3-weeks vacation with my daughter to the Dominican Republic, and we also planned, that he would come down for a few days to finally meet me. Well, that never happened because of his mother still in hospital, which left me very sad and frustrated, but I still tried to be understanding. So I went on vacation with my daughter, when he called me down there to tell me that he might come down still, because he wanted to meet me and he needed to get out of everything, he couldn't take it no more. He lost so much weight, couldn't sleep anymore, and he needed to see me. So we were looking for flights, but it was Xmas, prices were skyhigh, so we coulnd't make it happen for him to come down. I was really frustrated and depressed, and so was he. But we kept going and assuring each other that we will meet soon, we had to.

In January now, after we got back from vacation, my world took a turn and I experienced some troubles in my life I had to handle. Our relationship was still very good, we spoke on the phone at least twice a day, he spent every free minute he was off work talking with me. He also started to speak to my daughter, and the two immediately liked each other and he helped me with some issues I had with her. I was so thankful to have him in my life.
He also let me speak to his sons, and also to one of the mothers of his sons, we had a very nice chat on the phone and I was kind of surprised he let me talk to her. For me, this was a sign that he really is serious about me and the plans we spoke about. These plans we already made after New Years, we spoke for hours, trying to figure out how we could meet, where and how we could make it to spend more time with each other. He planned to move to Miami, not only for me, to be closer, but also because of his job opportunities and the climate. Then we decided it would be best, that, once he is off parole, he came to visit us in Grenada, and stay with us for a few months to figure out if we are made for each other. Making these plans with each other made me extremely happy and confident, that he really was serious about me. But then the big bummer came:

Finally his mother got a bit better, still in hospital but out of intensive care, so we made plans to meet each other for the first time in Barbados. The reason, why Barbados and not Grenada was simply because of the expensive flights to Grenada from Chicago, and the flight times just didn't make sense, since he only could get off work for 3 days. So we met in Barbados at the end of January, for only 2,5 days. It was amazing, and from the very first second we met when I picked him up at the airport, I just thought, YES! I thought he was my soulmate, we had the best time ever, and even though 2,5 days are very short to get to know each other, it was so intense and wonderful. Better than I ever could have imagined. He is not only a very sweet man, but a Gentleman, which I really love, he calms me down when I am upset, he always has the right words to say, well let's say, I just fell for him with no way of return ;)
By the time we said good-bye to each other at the airport, him going back to Chicago, me going back to Grenada, we assured each other that we want to be with each other and create something lasting and meaningful. He didn't say "I love you" to me, but I did, and he only told me that he cares a lot for me, that he wants a future with me and that he is waiting for the perfect moment to say the three words to me.

Upon returning home, he called me from his stop in Miami, being very worried, telling me that he is so scared because he wasn't supposed to leave the USA, because of his parole!!!!!!! As a non-American, I simply didn't know that wasn't allowed to leave the country at all, yes, he told me he was still on parole, but honestly, I didn't know what it meant. I couldn't believe what I heard! He was facing troubles, worst case, going back to jail, for meeting me in Barbados!!!!! I was totally depressed and tried not to show him, but telling him not to worry and to call me once he got back to Chicago. I was so worried that I would never see him again...........but it came differently............

Back in Grenada, and despite the worries for him, facing penalties for leaving the US, I was so happy about having met him, I was totally in love with him already and I knew that I wanted to be with him.
I went on my facebook and there was a message waiting for me, from a woman I have never met. She wanted to be friends with me on facebook. I added her and short after she contacted me, telling me that she needed to talk to me immediately, it was about HIM. As I read that, I got a hot feeling in my stomach, that was always a sign of troubles ahead. She was telling me, that HE and her were living together for a month, and that she was his girlfriend for a year!!!!! At first, I didn't know if to believe her or not, so I asked her questions etc. She asked me if he was seeing me somewhere abroad, because she was reading his emails, somehow. I was short before breaking down. I tried to call him, but he was still on his flight back to Chicago, so I had to wait, having the anger and disbelief boiling in my stomach!!! When I finally could get hold of him, his phone cut out and I left him a voice mail message, telling him what happened and that I expect him to call me and clear the air about this matter.
I was in total shock, that he could have lied to me in such a way, actually, I didn't want to believe it, but I had to. The woman seemed to be honest, and I didn't know what to do, other than wait until I can speak to him and hear his version.
Only next day he called me, telling me that he was dating her last year, before he met me, but that she got divorced and got so many issues he couldn't deal with it. So he split up with her, and stayed friends. I know he lived with his sister, and that they had issues, and one day he got kicked out of her house, and he told me, when that happened, he just stayed over at that woman's house, brought his stuff over, until he found something on his own. But he swore that he wasn't in a relationship with her, and that she liked him still, and might have thought they were still together .I didn't know what to believe anymore and just stopped talking to him for 2 days. He tried calling me, emailed me, but I just couldn't talk to him, I need to get my head clear. I was really almost at the point, to break up with him, because I trusted him 100% and now my trust was gone and I wasn't sure if I could ever trust him again. Even though if he would have said the truth, and she was stretching the truth to her favour, my trust was still destroyed. In his many emails, he swore to me that he cares for me and that he only wants to be with me, and not with her, and that he doesn't know what to do to prove to me. Well I didn't know either.

After these two days, when he called, I took his call, and we spoke. I decided to try to forget what had happened, he promised that he is honest and wouldn't lie to me. He moved back into his sister's house and I tried to work it out with myself. I was so disappointed though, it took me a few weeks until I stopped thinking about her permanently. I gave him a hard time, I was worried with the most minor things that happened, when he woulnd't call when he said he would call etc., but he stayed patient and trying to convince me that he really wants me.

In the meantime it got better, and we continued talking to each other twice every day, and I know that he really spend every free minute off work talking to me. He basically doesn't have time to have another woman besides me, theoretically. But we all know that the internet makes it possible, so I am still not 100% trusting him again. He kept telling me how much I mean to him, and making plans with each other, now we are going to see each other in April, in Puerto Rico. He also wants to meet my daughter there. So in general, we are still doing great, but what happened after Barbados is like a dark shadow.

Now I have to add, that I am very much listening to my intuition, and I have a strange feeling I can't explain. One side of me tells me that he really cares for me, that he really wants to be with me, and that the plans we were making for a life with each other, are going to work out. I am not an easy woman, I have to admit, I know I worry too much, I am too insecure sometimes, the slightest thing he is doing makes me feel alarmed, nagging on him.........he is very patient with me, I have to give him credits for that, and he said, that he learned in prison how to be patient. He also says that I have to learn that too, because we won't be together that soon, so I have to have faith in us and him, if I really want to be with him at some point. Normally I am good, but then, every few days, I get so insecure and all kind of stories go through my head, what if he got another woman, what if he lie to me all the time, what if he is only playing, or what if his ADHD made him loose interest in me. All kind of stuff, and it drives me crazy, because we only have met once as yet, and I am not a long-distance relationship person at all. I told him that from the very beginning, but because I fell for him and he means so much to me, I feel like I have to stick with it and learn how to have faith, not thinking about "what if" but just let it happen. I try hard, but then, sometimes I freak out. I accuse him of not loving me (because he never said it to me), of not making me a priority in his life, etc. He always reacts patient, upset though, but understanding, and telling me that he does care for me, and that it would hurt him a lot if I would break up with him. Somehow I believe him, but then there are days, when we speak on the phone, and he is always interrupted by something, someone calls him, he puts me on hold, for minutes, which makes me really upset sometimes. These are the things I assume, ADHD causes, but I really need your guy's input on what to think about it.

As said, we always talk on the phone when he is on the way to work of back from work, in the morning, and in the evening. We speak when he is in the hospital with his mother, in his rare free time etc. And whenever we talk, we get interrupted, he always puts me on hold because "his sister or brother or son" calls, his trainer, etc. It drives me mad sometimes. Or, when we talk, he is also on the computer sometimes, while we are on the phone, and I can hear that he is not focused on me, and when I tell him that, he says, "No, I am listening to you !". But I can hear that he is distracted by something else. This happens a lot in this relationship, that I feel that he is not focused on our chat, but occupied with something else. He is changing subjects quickly sometimes, or making me feel that what I just said to him, isn't important. It drives me crazy....making me wonder if there is someone else, someone "NEW" he is focused on.

Reading about ADHD explained a few things to me, why he acts like he does sometimes, but the same time, it makes me worry even more, and leaves me wondering, if he lost interest in me, and if he already met someone new?
Even though he always tells me that he wants to be with me, we are not with each other physically, so it is very hard for me to determine. That's my main problem, the long-distance. But I decided to go through it, so I always tell myself, keep patient, go with the flow, and just take one day at a time. But it is so hard!!! I am at a point right now,  I have to keep myself occupied and busy 24/7 to not to think about what if.....................
I know that he is doing a lot to show me how much I mean to him, but then, I also know from experience, that, when you love someone, sometimes you loose reality, just to remain in your "dream world". That's why I need your feedback on this so badly. Am I getting tricked by this man, is his disorder just taking the best part of him, not even knowing that he hurts me? Or is it me, my insecurity, that is going to slowly destroy this relationship, I thought could be "it" for me? He already told my daughter that he thinks I am "the one" for him, and I don't really think he would say this without meaning it. But who knows.....my daughter and he got such a nice relationship, they talk very often, and he always tells me how much he also cares for her, that he can't wait to meet her in person. He also let her talk to his son, a few days ago, when he had his birthday, and since then, the two are friends on facebook and chat sometimes.
That same son also spoke to me and he told me that his father is getting on everyone's nerves because he is only talking about me and how nice I am etc. Hearing these things let me wonder again, would his son say that if it wouldn't be true? And if it's true, what does it mean? Can it only mean that this man really cares for me, or is he still the cheater he was, not caring about my feelings, possibly having a few of such online relationships going on? Is it possible that his disorder causes such behaviour?

I know, I must sound totally crazy, and honestly, I feel like I am going to be, so I hope you can help me out of this, rather than telling me that I am totally mad. I know I have insecurity issues, but I know myself, and they are normally caused when I get this strange feeling about someone, and once the trust into someone gets destroyed................that's my situation and I hope you can help me to understand.
I really would appreciate your honest and direct criticism, if necessary. I am able to take criticism, and I am willing to work on my weaknesses, but I do need some help from you guys.

I forgot to mention, that we already spoke about getting married and having a baby together, and that more than once...........for me, I would never say that to a man, without being absolutely serious, but now that I know about the ADHD, I am wondering, if he really means it or if he is just hyper? We know each other since beginning of October now, almost 6 months, and we were talking about him wanting a baby with me and getting married etc. for a few months already. So it wasn't only once........................help!!!

Also, he wouldn't add me to his facebook, but I could still read his wall postings, and one day after we got back from Barbados, he posted some pictures of him in Barbados on his wall, but didn't mention me at all, even though people asked him who he was with there, or why he was there etc. So I asked him why he still didn't add me as his friend on facebook, and he said, that he didn't see my request and that he is a very private person, not puttin online his private stuff. Never. Yet, he met a woman on the flight back from Miami, and he added her to his friends right away! A stranger! But not his girlfriend...............and after I told him about the privacy settings, he made his wall private, so now I can't read his wall anymore. Makes me really wonder, if he got something to hide? Why would he do something like this, if he really thinks that I am the woman he wants to get married to and have a baby with? Seriously people, help me out of this swamp...........

One more thing I just remember, forgetting to say about him:
After reading some of the other posts, I can't say that my boyfriend is self-centered or impatient, he is the opposite! He is caring about everyone, more than about himself, he always puts other's needs first before his, and he is - so far - very reliable when it comes to call me when he said he would etc. He forgot his passport at home when on the way to the airport to see me lol. In the almost 6 months we know each other now, we didn't have a single fight, because whenever I am upset about something, he calms me down, tries to talk to me about any matter upsetting me etc. So I really have to say, he seems to be such a great guy and I am just totally confused and scared, that it might be ME destroying this relationship, and not him..........help!!


Thanks in advance, and sorry for such a long posting....................

Belinda


 

Belinda

I don't see very much ADD in your boyfriend. Obviously I can't know what his intentions are, but if he was ADD and getting bored with you, he wouldn't be making any effort. Believe me; once interest fades for an ADDer, the other person becomes a non-entity. He seems secretive, not telling you about staying with the ex-girlfriend, and the Facebook thing, and there could be something going on with that. He may be serious about you, but needs a little fling on the side until he can be with you (that's not ADD; that's a man). But your 'relationship' with him has been going on for quite a while now, and he doesn't seem to be 'after' anything other than what he says. He made the effort to see you, he calls regularly, etc. No ADDer that I've met would make that effort if he wasn't interested.

That said, long distance relationships are SO strange. It's so hard to get to know someone that way. Do the two of you have any plans to be together long-term in the future? Are you working toward a day when you can see each other every day? Are one/both of you willing to move so you can be together? I really hope it works out for you!

Thanks

Hi Lynnw,

thank you for your reply.
I might not have written down every single detail in my posting, but I definitely saw some symptoms of ADD in his behaviors over the 6 months I do know him. The most noticable one for me was that he gets distracted very easily, like when we are talking on the phone, someone calls him (which happens all the time!) and he puts me on hold, sometimes for several minutes, and sometimes he would've forgotten me completely over the other call. I didn't make a fuss about this, since I knew and felt that he didn't do it intentionally, or with something bad in mind. In general I really believe that he is a good man, it's just hard for me to get the difference if when he is acting because of his disorder, or if it's because of something else. That gives me troubles.

As you wrote, he seems to really mean it serious with me, but then all the secret stuff.....if the thing with his ex wouldn't have happened, I don't think I would be worried about it that much....but it happened and I can't help but wonder if his disorder just makes it "easy" for him to "cheat" on me (if he does). I am very insecure at this point, and have troubles finding out if the disorder is causing most of his discrepancies, or not.

Yes, we were making quite definite plans of when we will move together, only 2 months after we met. And once we met in Barbados, it was all so "clear", we both were reassuring each other, that we do have to make plans to move together. For now, the "status" is, that we will see each other at least once per month, either in Miami or Puerto Rico (since he can't leave the US as yet), and then, once his parole is over, he will come down to stay with us for a while, to figure out, if we actually could live together, or if it's not working. So yes, we are definitely making real and serious plans, and actually, now that I think about it, it was not only me, making these plans, but we made them together, as a couple. And yes, he is willing to move down here to Grenada, until we figured out what we are going to do, like moving somewhere else together, or staying here etc. He always told me that he is totally open to move, and that he waited for a woman like me all his life, who loves to travel, explore, and we are so much the same. We both would love to move to foreign countries together, and we are both very adventurous. So when it comes to the common interests, we do have a lot. As said, I really really love him, I have never felt so comfortable with a guy after such a short time, and only at the first "date".

So on one side, there are all these nice things he said to me, and the way he treats me, never a bad word or cussing, always respectful and considerate, being patient and reassuring with m who is worrying so much, and on the other side, there is all the secret stuff, which might not be bad, but it makes me wonder and suspicious. I start thinking sometimes, that I am paranoid, but then, my "stomach feeling" that is so strange, normally tells me that there is something wrong. I hope I am paranoid, and he is the amazing man I thought he is.

I am just trying to figure out here, if his disorder (which was diagnosed in his childhood, but he told me that it got a bit better because he knows how to deal with it, staying occupied, planning stuff properly etc. - he is not taking any medication as far as I know) would make it "easy" for him, to cheat on me, or if anyone of you guys was in a smiliar situation?

Dating a man with ADD and not sure what to do.

Hello

I am writing this because I am dating an ADDer and he has been very open with when he was diagnosed younger in life and now lives as an adult with ADD and then recently got diagnosed with clinical depression.  I went thru the whole phase of hyperfocus and fell for it,  fell in love and really see good in him however I need to stay healthy for myself too.  I have tried to break it off and with the possiblities of myabe re-visiting our relationship when he feels like  he has got his life back on track   (he has been thru a divorce and lost a home ect ect)   he still has a great job and wonderful place to live.  He says he does not want me to leave that I am a great person and good for him that he needs me I am the only one he can "talk" too and wants me to stick with him.  He also sees a therapist and psychologist for medication purposes and he decided to do this on his own so I see some progress.  Of course there is more to this story but do I have any hope that things may change a bit ( I understand I have to accept him for who he is every day ) or do I just break it off?  Please help

As much as we all hate to

As much as we all hate to hear it, the choice is up to us. No one can tell us what to do or what is right to our situations because we are the only ones in our relationships. If it's worth it, if we can make it, if things can get better...only we will know or find out.

There are plenty of good people who have AD(H)D

I've been pretty unlucky in love and a few other things, but I've always kept trying... never stopped trying.

I've had a few 'live in' relationships which I've ended because we weren't going to make each other happy in the long run.

While a lot of people around me like to say everything happens for a reason and like to talk about fate, I've never been happy with this explanation for things not working out.
I think we're all responsible for our own choices and if we don't make the right choices because we're too weak, thats not fate, thats going with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I've also gone with he flow too many times.

So, I'm not violent. I don't break things. I don't scream and shout. I don't play mind games. I don't like having everything done for me.

However I'm almost 35, never been married or engaged (I've never proposed) and don't have any children of my own.
Why not?  That's what I want to know. 

I was trying to have a conversation in a coffee shop with a friend.  I apologised because I although the subject was mine ( and important to me ), as hard as i tried i couldn't hear her, only the fridges and other things.
She was diagnosed with ADD, and she pointed a few things out to me that indicated I may have ADD. 

I looked into this somewhat and have pursued a diagnosis and one month ago became  labeled as someone who has Adult ADD.

At this point I'll point out I have a lot of good friends, I've never been in trouble with the law and before our department was made redundant last year I held a very good job for just short of 10 years. I come from a working class background, with a mildly alcoholic / violent father who my mother's now divorced and he's moved abroad.

As soon as I was made redundant I started my own business ( July 2011).
I'm well aware of my weaknesses and always have been. So I work with them.
I've just taken on my second employee this week.

I'm online learning about ADD,because I want to improve myself, and achieve everything I can.  Right now I'm reading about how ADD can effect a relationship, which is how I found this blog.

I think that theres some people here who want to look at themselves a little more.  Yes some of the traits described are very destructive to a relationship, but they also exist in none ADDers and not all ADDers fit into the categories described here.

I find mundane tasks very difficult to complete because there's always a new more exciting thing I want to get started.  I get distracted super easily! I'm late for most things and talk far too much once I've started ( on the flip side because I'm aware of this sometimes I don't start at all and come across as quiet and shy).

Some of the comments here have worried me quite a lot. It's worrying that some of you think that because I've been  labeled as ADD that any woman should run as soon as she finds out!

So should i tell any new potentially special person in my life  about my diagnosis?
For the record, I'm an honest person, and I believe in education and empowerment of people.

I'll tell her and she then has a choice to do a runner if she wants. If someone wants to judge me that quickly then it's definitely not my loss.

ADD can be managed. with exception to not having found my future wife yet, I'm far more successful than the average person ( and that's NOT a financial statement). I'm also a lot more enthusiastic about the future.

To the original posters concerns... 
Having ADD doesn't automatically make someone a bad person. It's a label and  effects people in different ways.  The original question doesn't tell us how ADHD effects this person.  So all she can do is educate herself to make a good decision. 

Don't ditch him just because he's been HONEST and told you he's diagnosed with ADHD,Find out who he is and then decide if it's what you want. If he's got a violent past then get rid And don't think that because  has ADD you have to mother him.  I left a previous partner because she wanted to do everything for me.  I wasn't diagnosed at this point and I don't want to live like a slob.

There  are plenty of very good, successful and powerful people who are diagnosed AD(H)D.
My personal favorite, Richard Branson, I've always looked up to him, and only found out he's diagnosed ADHD a few days ago. Look up a list of famous ADD'ers online, you may be surprised how many you wouldn't be ditching when you find out their label.

On a side note, because of my competitive sporting commitments ( which are coming to an end due to age ), I've not as yet started any medication. So I've achieved everything so far without any specialised help support or training. Only the personal support from my friends and peers.
I am currently looking into life coaching and medication options. Mostly because I want to lead a successful happy life, and the only thing I'm missing right now is my own family.

Typically this was supposed to be a short note... but I've ended up ranting on... that's definitely one of the issues I need to tackle .

Good luck to the orginal poster, I hope you make a good decision.

MagicSandwich's picture

Please continue to read in

Please continue to read in detail the comments from Non's on this blog. It will help with your quest for personal empowerment. 

Patience

and lots of it. love and patience is what you need, and that goes for mostly everything. i have been dating my adhd boyfriend for 10 years. just like all relationships, its not always perfect. Educating yourself, understanding both yourself and your partner takes time and really makes a world of a difference. Hes amazing! talented, smart, very loving etc.....it is very difficult for him to control his adhd off his medication so he takes it daily. i understand it is difficult for him sometimes (and my end) but with a little understanding and love, everything is pretty good. my mom always tells me "if it aint one thing, its another" 

No do not continue!!!!!!

I have dated a person with ADHD and the fact is, they are not normal in their thinking process. I don't care who they are or how much they work on it you will never be able to fully understand their behaviors. You can make excuses for them but in the end you will shoulder a lot of the responsibilities of family and home. You will feel alone and unheard more often than not. You will be hurt by their lack of understanding and let-downs. When you start dating, or fall in love, with someone who has ADHD you are automatically signing up to shoulder more work than them. Trust me, save the wasted years and move on. If you are asking whether or not to continue, you already know the answer. No! It may sound harsh and I know that people with ADHD deserve love, but for someone with "normal brained thinking" it is a rough road and often ADHD people are oblivious to what is really going on because their brain just does not work this way. I dated a kind man with ADHD for three years and as time passed I felt like a mother and I was not heard in my needs. I do understand now what was going on and that I should have not taken it personally and been so hurt and confused. But that said, I was not living a life connected to someone I could trust. Someone who was my partner and could set up if I fell. ADHD people cannot step up if you need them too. Their always has to be someone there to take care of them. I am sorry ADHD people, but it is true. Yes there are many famous and successful people with ADHD but those successful people always has someone taking care of them. Albert Einstein had his wife and it is well documented that he would spend all his time in the lab, that was paid for, developing new ideas. And his wife was in charge of the home, which was normal back then. Justin Timberlake had his mom and now many assistants reminding him of everything. So unless you are fine in a relationship that will never be equal, or in a relationship where you will feel unheard most of the time, then go for it. If you want a true equal partner in life, someone who will be there mind, body and soul then stay away from ADHD. It's not their fault it just is.

Also, to the lady who is waiting for her ADHD boyfriend to come back because she finally understands I say this...Just because you understand does not make it easier in the end. You are lonely right now and thinking about the great points that he has, and there are many. But in the end you left because there was something lacking. It will still be lacking when you have him back and just because it is an ADHD symptom does not mean that the loss and loneliness you felt won't still be there. If you need love and connection you have to wait for it to come in another form. Plus if you are telling him you understand and he is still not coming back to try again, then maybe it was not all ADHD and maybe this guy will never love you like you deserve. I would save years of heartache and run as fast as you can the other direction.

I may sound mean but I have dealt with ADHD and it is not a fun ride, do I love my ADHD ex...yes! Do I wish he could be normal and understand what he does...yes! But no matter how much you try to delude yourself, they are different! They are often too wrapped up in their own world and needs to be able to see anyone else's for longer than a half hour. Out of sight, out of mind. There are plenty of people looking for love. Don't waste your time on what "COULD BE", because in then end you are just trying to build a great relationship from a poor source. I too hoped, prayed and deluded myself to think, "If he just understand, he will know how much it hurts and change". It won't happen because they can't change. They are biologically made this way. You cant change their nature; so again run!

 

Save Yourself

Balcox, I hear what you are saying and I couldn't agree more. After 23 yrs with someone who has undiagnosed ADD (not ADHD)--yes, after 23 yrs. I know exactly what his issues are-- that I would have backed out of this relationship long ago if I could. The problem is that there is no way to back out gracefully.

His ex-wife took his military ID and applied for, and used in his name, numerous credit cards while he was away on duty. She slept with her boss and then ran away with the kids. Why was he with her? Because crazy people marry crazy people. No, let me rephrase that, healthy people take one look at crazy people and run! Save yourself!  His family is nuts and hers is Bat S*** crazy. Their kids are a nightmare!!! There are mental health problems in both families going back at least 3 generations (and now kids and grand-kids) that I know of.

He came home one day to an empty house. Nothing but the unpaid bills. The "B" even sold the stereo that friends loaned them. He went AWOL from the military, and his other job, tried to kill himself, and would up in a military mental ward with his wife trying to get him to legally sign control over to her.

So, you're thinking he had some hard times and needs to get back on his feet.  He's legally bankrupt. And he has to borrow 50 bucks from you on payday to take you to lunch before he can cash his paycheck. And he pays it back promptly but borrows it again before the next paycheck clears. Every week, 50-75 bucks? And his room looks like a hurricane hit, with everything he owns either in his bed or on the floor? But, you aren't looking for marriage, and he feels like your favorite pair of jeans...

After you've been dating for 6 months he wants you to co-sign for a visa card with only a $500 limit, just to get his credit going again, you see. Against better judgment you offer a gasoline credit card so that the oil changes and gasoline purchased can be easily paid off each month. He has a hissy fit and refuses. Then, he gets laid off so he wants you to take YOUR savings to rent a U-haul so that he can find a job out of state. This would be a good time to back out if possible, but it's not, because someone else has crushed his soul, so you tell him to go and find a job, get established, and you will follow. You hope he makes a life there so that you can detach with his dignity intact.

In the mean time, since you have been together, you find out that his father was a raging A-hole who drank and locked himself up in his "work-room" studio when he wasn't yelling at everyone and beating his children. And his dad "brought home" a Porsche one day. Mom is a martyr and proud of it. You find out she is paying his child support. Other than that she is an empty page.  Her brother, when I finally met him, has more than just "a speech impediment" would be diagnose with ASD if someone ever took him to the doctor. Never went to school, either-- I mean, FIRST GRADE!

My love (and yes, he will always be my love) has one sister who, except for brief marriages, lives at home and dumps her kid off on mom while she goes to Mexico to study Spanish, scuba-dives, kayaks, roller-skates, does pottery, batik, belongs to several musical groups, writes music.The other sister has one child with low-functioning autism. Her other kid now engrossed in high math--thank goodness, The Doors era is over! Back to story...

Well, the job search didn't work out so he's back. And, unfortunately, you both are looking for a place, because your landlord is selling. You reluctantly agree to move in together but only under the condition that you can move out at any time. After a month of picking up his stuff from wherever he dropped it, literally, and almost knocking yourself out on all the kitchen cabinet doors left open, you've had enough. You calmly sit him down and tell him it's not working out and you want to move.

AND HE F***ING FREAKS OUT!!!!!! I'm not talking manipulation here, this was the gen-u-ine deal! He lost it!

And you don't want him to kill himself. You love him.  So you back down. And here you are...

Even after he comes home with a $5000 speaker he got for half-price (employee discount with payments deducted) that "he needs for work" and tells you that you have to buy a $1000 stereo receiver for it while you literally eat off the floor because you have no furniture. And 23 yrs worth of numerous other OMG moments, like making jewelry on the carpet with an anvil, a blow-torch and pickling solution, that I won't bore you with.

You like being his girl-friend but can't really be his wife until you stop being his mother.

And you have made mistakes that ruined your career and your credit because you didn't understand what was going on...And you have no one to turn to. You are stuck!

And, that's the truth! :-D PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

In reading every story here I have learned...

I have learned that all non adhd partners feel lonely and lost. Adhd is a stealthy disorder. You look at your partner who has a job and lives his life and then when you have fallen in love and time passes you realize something is wrong. At first you can't put your fingers on it so you continue in a happy ignorant bliss. After a few years you find your self angry and hurt and dumbfounded! Why does he act like this! Is he selfish, does he just not care about me at all? These along with a great many swear words becomes your world. The thing that makes it so hard to walk away is that it is so illogical!!!! He works and seems to listen to his boss and get things done! He must be able to listen and function, right! But when it comes to you it's like the whole world goes black. They can't see, hear, or change for love. That is why it is so hard. It makes no sense! Adhd is the worst thing ever!!!!! Maybe 2 out of 1000 will make it in a relationship but I feel that adhd just leaves broken hearts, lost dreams and wasted time in its tracks. I will never date a person with adhd ever and i will warn anybody i can! I am taking my life back now. I will go without closure just so i can move slowly toward a better life with someone who is imperfectly perfect!!! I will miss what I wanted with my ex. I will mourn and cry for a man that I loved and still do, but I am not waiting anymore for him to get it. I am not going to choose to be in a relationship where i will be alone in my awareness. I need promises to be kept, i need a partner who is willing to compromise and communicate. I want and need these things, but most of all i want to be happy and in love at the same time! And you can't have these things with Adhd! You just can't!

ADHD at work

I have a hard time believing there is not an issue at work, also. How can someone has so many difficulties communicating, participating, and following through at home and not at work? My SO will say he does not have trouble, yet as he relates the events of the day, I see/hear the problems as clearly as if I was there...

ad/hd at work

I met my SO at work. I worked in assembly and then moved to QC. He was a repair technician. We worked the same hours but different departments in different areas with slightly different break schedules. There was another tech in his department when he started working there that was the "go-to" guy, but, after a short while, people started saying that if he wasn't available go see my SO. I noticed how very smart he is, and a very talented tech. Then, we started dating. Of course I had no idea what I was getting into when we started dating, but one thing I noticed right away was his buried desk. At our company, everyone (50-100 employees) was given ten minutes before quitting time to clean their work area, then they could go home. Everyone's space was clean, EXCEPT, you guessed it, my sweetheart's. His desk always looked like a tornado hit it!!! Today, he works for a utility, and his truck is always filthy inside! You can't find anything in it. One day we were entertaining one of his co-workers and his wife. They pulled out pictures from work. She asked her husband, "Who's desk is that!!!" and pointed to the heap on my SO's desk. When she found out it was his, she looked at me and said, "but he's so neat at home?" I said, "this is me." Dragging her down the hall I opened a door "This is HIS room!" And, yes, HE WAS EMBARRASSED.

ADHD yes, leper no

have learned that all non adhd partners feel lonely and lost... It is a sad thing that the disorder is a physiological one and not a psychological one. In my opinion sufferers are many times of superior intellect except for that missing physiological plug-in that screws up everything. We (not they, he, him or it) feel as bad about forgetting, losing, misunderstanding as the partner on the receiving side. Put me in a situation where you need my ability to hyperfocus and I can work like a machine untill I fall over. I admit I forget many things, like forgetting to be angry or to hold a grudge. I also let many things go past me without noticing, like who greeted me at church or looked at me with an attitude. i this regard i am fairly happy. I also feel miserable when i forgot something and it hurt you, especially when you rub my nose in it for the 24th time. But I will very soon forget it happened, not because I want to settle the issue, but because i forget. i also forget when i forgive, really.

Wow and thanks

I am constantly astounded at how everyone uses the exact same phases I use to describe my situation and relay the exact same phases for their ADHD partners that I have heard from mine.  You sound like you have been walking in the same shoes I have for the last 2+ years.  My close friends keep telling me the same thing you said and they don't really know what ADHD is.  They are just going on the people don't change theory.  But you're right, their brain will never understand the hurt they cause and they'll never be able to focus.  It is just so sad.  But one friend said it is sad for me but it may not be for him...  Do you think it's possible that loosing us, possibly being alone forever, and the very limited life they will lead if they don't get better with their ADHD is all so invisible to them that they aren't sad about it?  I am really thinking that may be the case.  It's like trying to reason with a 3 year old, there are some things they just will not be able to grasp.  And I think what life will be like without us vs with us, either way, they just cannot fathom.  Their mind can't compute that kind of thing.  Geez, he can't decide which place to go for dinner out, when to go to bed so he'll be able to get up in the morning, what movie to rent and when to start it so we can see the whole thing before bedtime, how can he possibly decide -- with or without this woman who loves me, what would be better?  

Well, I am more relaxed today now that I have processed more anger earlier today.  I know I wouldn't be relaxed if I were with him or talking to him.  Just being around him and interacting with him causes me stress.  It has been really hard.  I'm not sure what to do.  But like the others on the fence with their boyfriends, I'm sure it will work itself out.  I've been pretty tough and think he's going to stay hiding in his cave for months if not longer.  I so want to help him but I caused him to go hide, so I can't help.  He's undoubtedly been there before over the years and found his way out before.  I have to just let him be.

 

In response to speaking in "absolutes"

Sometimes when we are hurt is is difficult to open and understand that other people may function differently than ourselves.  We are all blessed and tortured by the fact that we are all the center of our own little universe, and sometimes we are blind to other methods or modes of function.  I am here because I am the one with ADD/ADHD.  I have never been formally diagnosed by a doctor but all my symptoms are in line with this neurological disorder.  I have been married for 5 years, together with my wife for 8.  We come from different cultures.  I am Italian American born and raised in the States while she is from Europe, where we met.  This difference in culture is still seen regularly, even though she has been living here for 6+ years.   If my ADD and the difference in culture weren't enough, she also has a psychological issue that involves compulsive behavior, (which I will not get into at the moment.) more than likely stemmed from parental issues she carries with her from the past.

Because of our issues we are both lacking certain important necessities in life and though we are working with Psychologists and Doctors sometimes it all seems so much bigger than both of us and extremely difficult to overcome.  I have never taken medication for my problem, nor did I ever want to considering the chemical change that happens and being dependent on medication.  I'm also hypocritical, because I smoke Marijuana regularly.  I began as a child because I enjoyed it, but in college realized it would slow me down enough to concentrate on one task at a time and allow me to complete whatever needed to get done.   Growing up I definitely experimented with other illicit drugs, and it only got out of hand once, but I was able to identify it as a problem early and I sought help.

I am insecure as a person and in the 8 years of being with my partner I have learned to be more humble in accepting my faults, apologizing when I am wrong, and I have even learned to contribute around the house with laundry, washing dishes, and cleaning up.  She is very goal oriented, focused, driven, and organized.  I am the complete opposite.  I am scattered with a very short attention span, yet consider myself to be funny, creative, and spontaneous.  I know we all may have issues to different degrees there is always room for improvement in some aspects to make life for your partner a little easier, unfortunately though there are several things that I find very difficult to control.

My wife having the problems that she has is in need of a lot of attention as well as a person who is emotionally sound and I secretly beat myself up for not being able to be that person.  It's not that I don't want to be that person.  In fact there is nothing I would like more than to be the perfect partner for my wife but unfortunately no matter what I have tried it still is difficult to achieve.  It is something that seems beyond my reach.  

She talks to me about her problems often and I find that if I have work distractions, the dog, or anything else on my mind, my brain doesn't get beyond 4 words of what she has to say.  I often have to ask her to repeat what she said.  Similar things happen when tv or music is on.  I can only imagine the distress she is going through yet I still don't have the capacity to listen for very long.  I have tried writing things down, I have stopped smoking marijuana for long periods of time, I have gone sober with alcohol (I have never abused alcohol and both my wife and I are in the beverage industry) as well as a whole slew of other things to become better but unfortunately it's out of my control.  It's just how my thought process works.  

There have also been many times when I am told something and I forget and ask questions I know the answer to.  Actually I know the answer once it's told to me but I ask the question out of impulse without thinking that I already no the answer.  Often times I will get a text or Voicemail from her which I don't fully listen to or read and call her.  When she asks if i saw the message I blurt out yes, without thinking that I really didn't read or listen to more than a sentence of the said message.  

We have fought many times about this in sometimes rather ugly ways.  I actually rarely put people down during arguments, I tend to remain calm but the 2 times a year I can't maintain my cool, watch out.  Don't get me wrong I have never raised my hands to my wife or any woman, nor would I but I have put holes in the wall and smashed delicate things. The farthest I have ever gone is throwing a wet paper towel at my wife who insulted me and has way less filters when we fight.  Sometimes those harsh words add up and I lose it.  I'm only human, but again she is and will always be my queen and I would never do anything to hurt her in a physical sense, though sometimes words can hurt more than physical violence and I have said my share of really mean things that I wish I could take back.

She sometimes is able to handle me better than other times, but when she gets upset she tends to hold back less than I do.  Maybe my insecurities actually create a filter and I am able to think that my words will hurt and so I hold back but she does not, and all those words she has directed toward me have now accumulated to really continue to knock me down a peg and it creates even more insecurities.  Being told you're not a man, your immature, you're a P.O.S., you're a child adds up and creates even more insecurities.  My forgetfulness and insecurities combined are also making me become a bit OCD, in the sense that when I leave the house and the dog at home I freak about about having left stoves, ovens, and dangerous things out which my dog will get into, and so this makes me walk in and out the door 3-4 times.  I am so aware of my forgetfulness, that I get anxiety about having forgotten something.  I go through the motions but don't realize what motions I am going through and forget what has been done.  I know it sounds crazy but that is what happens in my head.

My issue is something that many people face and if they don't face that, usually it's something else.  We come from a messed up society and it seems that as I get older I find more and more people with issues of their own, that doesn't mean you give on your spouse.  You took and oath, "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" and too many people are just too casual.  The only things we have in this messed up world is our family and though I am an Atheist I do believe in morals, treating others that way you'd want to be treated, and sticking with your people.  I am the most liberal of people yet I do believe in the sanctity of some rituals and morals  Don't get me wrong some people are obviously not made for each other but that is what dating and living together are for.  To make you realize whether that person is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  

Everybody is in a different boat and there is no clear yes/no answers but I find it absurd that you tell someone to run away from their problems when the only point of reference you have is your own and a blog.  Sometimes that is necessary, especially if your life or health are in danger but most times it's a cop out.  At that point why don't you just give up on life because ADD husband or not life has a funny way of throwing obstacles in your way no matter what road you choose.  

My wife has an issue that has completely decimated our sex life, our social life, and her issues are deep rooted affecting her mood quite often.  I have thought many times in the last 5 years that I wouldn't be strong enough to do it, but in the end I love her, want to support her and want to be a part of her finding happiness and serenity in life.  We all have issues, but these challenges make us grow and make us better people.  I am not going to tell anyone to leave or stay with their spouse but what I am going to say is 

1 Think long and hard about getting married to someone and having children, make sure that you are willing to stick with them if ADD or any other issue arises later.

2 Work with them, support them, and encourage.  Always remember that we function differently especially if you can't understand how someone can be so scattered.  I don't have compulsions and couldn't understand my wife's but have learned to accept that, her and who she is, and I love her more and more with every passing day.  

We are both working on taking control of our own lives and though I can only speak for myself I am confident that we can both continue to better ourselves and re-gain those lost necessities. 

Adhd generalizing public slander

In reply to balcox25                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           ...                               This is beyond offensive and completely untrue, well i speak for myself. I myself have adhd, ocd, aspergers, anxiety, taccacardia ( maxing out anxiety suffering) and even narcissism. Nobody would notice because im good looking, polite, respectful to who i talk to except maybe in my mind, great social skills no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Now with all of that hell i live with and torture with my thinking patterns and concentration issues or unable to sit still at times, none of that and i mean none of that prevents me from being there for my gf via heart, mind, body and soul. Nothing changes how much i love her and what i will not do for her, only difference is i don't care much for anybody else i don't know well. Its just i have to have a couple of hours of rest and meditation every few days or ill drive myself nutts along with all those around me. Im sorry but your speaking from your pain not your knowing of what you think you know of all the people who have adhd, and I my dear lady have so much more than just adhd and that doesn't affect me unless i let it and clearly your bf let it. Oh by the way, I can get past it temporarily and i can hide it so misguided people like you in society don't generalize and patronize me to the point that it sends me into depression or worse by preventing me of finding my love, which I thank God it didn't. I hope God can help you through the pain you are feeling and help you to stop telling women what to do and let them think for themselves with their unique situations. Every Medical situation is different for everybody, well mostly.

Symptoms can be managed, but never fixed

I am going on being with a man for 7 years and ADD was there from the outset; He even described it.  I was charmed by the hyperfocus and the non stop desire to travel the world.  After a few of months together, he weaned himself off of closet cigarettes for a prescription of Wellbutrin  from his doctor.  It was sort of effective for a couple of years; then I recommended a favored psychiatrist, who doubled the dosage.  Good results initially, but several months later,  the symptoms were everywhere.  I suggested a change in meds to him which led to "I really don't need to take anything!"  And, he stopped.  The book discusses the three legged stool.  In this instance, medication provides a physical change foundation to allow the behavioral changes and maybe the mate interactions to occur.  But, now it's not there.  We are both Baby Boomers.  This is alot of work and a helluva way to live out the golden years.  Seems like it is all on a case by case basis.

your concerns about dating someone with ADHD

I NEVER weigh in on anything despite the fact that I read and subscribe to multiple boards. But your problem struck home with me. I see this thread is quite old but I think I might have some insight and I would like to address some of what others have said on here regarding spouse/BFs/GFs etc with ADHD. First, about me. If one were to look up ADHD in any form of medical manual there would be a glossy 8x12 photo of me. From the time I was a baby I was "different." I didnt learn to walk. I went from crawling to running to climbing. Without going into all the boring and gory details I was severely physically, psychologically and verbally abused from the time I was about 4 or 5 by my older brother and father. I'm not talking being slapped around and given wedgies. I was beaten w boards, burned, held underwater on more than 1 occassion, thrown down flights of steps etc.  I believe the former is just an evil ass and the latter did so because he simply didn't know how to handle me. The physical abuse contuniued until obviously my older brother left, from my father until I was about 15. By then I had become "a human board." He was simply incapable of doing anything to me physically at that point. The verbal and psychological stuff continued until I left at 18. 

I know what everyone is thinking that is reading this. Alcoholic, whitetrash, broken home. If only the explanations were that simple. My parents are both highly educated and by all accounts, "successful." My father never drank nor used substances. I believe my mother is possibly an on again off again drinker. Now that I have your complete attention and everyone is shocked, I'll top that by saying, " I have NEVER EVER EVER once in my life hit my mother, grandmother, any of my GFS or my wife of 15 years. IT HAS NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND TO HIT THEM. That doesn't mean that I wasnt violent however. I had the capacity for superhuman violence. I can honestly say however, in 99% of the "incidences" i was involved in school, the bus etc. It was generally self defense. I have mellowed out ALOT as Ive grown older. I think understandably, I was ( and in many ways still am) very angry. I was tossed from 6 schools from k-12. 

Being a small child and intially timid but then genuinely outgoing and wanting to "fit in" but never being able to made me both very despondant and a seemingly easy target for bullies. Little did would-be bullies know until it was too late for them that 3 or 4 them at the same time wouldn't be enough. The fights were ALWAYS vicious, brutal, bloody and swift.  I was routinely accustomed to being man handled by 2 grown men, let alone a few snotty, spoiled 10-13 year olds. It was never viewed this way by others. What could their saintly little johnny have done to incur the wrath of this white haired little, zero, "spaz"???? Because I was ALWAYS an easy scape goat i was to blame regardless of numbers, fault, etc. 4 on 1 is fair odds after all right????  Reading the above posts about men who beat their wives/GFs etc is sickening to me. I know from being the recepient that only cowards seek to injure those who are weaker than them. Also, I just want to lay out that I had 1 brief brush with the law for something stupid at 18. I have no criminal record from that incident  or any contacts with LE after that. I do not drink, nor use subtances other than what is prescribed to me. I DO struggle w cigarettes however and have quit and started again numerous times despite being a highly active, competitive athlete even today. I take a MAMMOTH dosage of vyvanse daily and I am JUST barely able to control my ADHD. 

People looking from the outisde are always astounded when I tell them how bad my ADHD is. I seem remarkably organized and disciplined to them.  I have learned coping skills and techniques over the years. My wife thought ADHD and all that was bunk as well until we became serious. I am absolutely certain that she has not had an easy time dealing with me over the years. I finished HS dead last in my class. It took me forever to get through college. I floundered with numerous majors and finally dropped out. Against all odds I returned with "hyper focus". I.E. I dropped out of life for 2.5 years. I finished in the top 5 of my class out of about 300 with straight As. I know my writing and editing are atrocious, but hey, Ive got ADD. :) Yep, I never really worked out at a regular 9-5 job. Co-workers and ADHD guy w messed up childhood issues generally don't mix. I've finally discovered self employment now in the last few years. I can honestly say I'm doing well. My customers love me and I'm neurotic about my work product.

I could write about this for days but in the interest of everyone involved I'll try to wrap it up. I can't speak for whomever you have found that is carrying the monstrous burden of this "disorder" ( I wouldnt wish it on anyone). Looking back over the years I really blew it with the majority of my relationships, GFs and friends included. Thinking back. It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I was an ass. I didn't listen to them enough or pay enough attention. I' terrible about following through at Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc.  I genuinely wanted to!!! What opportunities did I have to develop any form of social maturity? I was cast aside from virtually day 1. But, I bare the blame for my mistakes. 100%. ALL ME. NOBODY ELSE. I am so fortunate to have found the wife I have. I am going to steal a line from one of my favorite movie characters and say, "the best thing I've ever done with my life was to convince the greatest woman in the world to marry me." I can hear the naysayers now. Boo hoo you and all that right? Thats fine. I've never been shown sympathy or compassion throughout my life accept by 1 person. You think I'll bat an eye or give a damn in YOUR "hour of need???" Its a 2 way street.

I have 1 close friend besides my wife who is my best friend. I trust no one and generally dislike people. AFter 12 years of living next to one neighbor and his repeated attempts to say hi. I now know his name. Eventhough outwardly I can go to parties and "mingle" more or less with anyone. I know that there is a good possiblity that I will die the angry, lonely guy in the basement apt who yells at the kids above to turn the music down.  

HOWEVER, IF, you can win me over, you will never have a more loyal, willling to march to the ends of the or die trying on your behalf friend. I would never hurt my wife, I have never and will never cheat on her. I think when you grow up with SOOO much adversity and animosity towards you, it either makes you or breaks you. When all you have ever known is conflict and a war zone, those places are where you become "most at home." It takes those of us with this burden longer to get to the finish line. But our victories and the subsequent celebrations are that much sweeter and longer lived. I would truly like to think that I am  a more genuine person for everything that has happened in my life. I can only put on a front for so long. Then I like you or hate you. My advice is, if you can't handle who they are now or aren;t sure you can? If you can't handle that it is probably going to be a long haul and there will be some really difficult times (its been financially for us). Don't sign up. I guess my wife did change me. But she definitely accepted me for who i was/am and made me better. Also, I think I am exactly what she needed in life, a loyal protector/defender. I suppose we were fortunate to find eachother.  Marry your best friend. Nothing else will work.

 

Thank you...

Thank you for your post.  I so wanted to read the other side of this.  This past week has been hell trying to understand what I should have known.  I cried for my grown son and for the man I never met but feel in love with.   

Gulity

My story is a bit different from most of yours.  Ours was a on line relationship that was on again off again for 3 years.  At this point it is off.  After the last blow up I needed to understand what was going on.  I thought having raised a child with ADHD I knew it all only to find out I knew nothing.  I found this site and have spent a week reading and crying and understanding.  I had a melt down the other day because I felt so guilty that I wasn't the type of mother that my adult son needed me to be. Nor did I understand what was going on with my friend.  But if anything good come from this it is perhaps I may help my son in some way navigate his relationships.
I know that the on line relationship is over.  I crossed the line as he put it.  I feel so guilty about what I said and knew the minute I hit the send button I knew it was wrong and quickly tried to express how sorry I was. I was so angry with him.   It was too late.
I know it's a crazy story and I should have just let it go after our first blow up.  But there was something that kept bringing me back to that places.
When we met on line it was crazy.  (Oh my new word) .... he was hyper-focused on me.  We would talk for hours.  I wasn't working at the time so I was able to give him my full attention while he was at work.  He was quite good at multi tasking so it never affected his job.  I would  set there for 8 hours talking about nothing really.  It started to unsettle me that I was starting to be a bit aggressive with the first email in the morning.  I questioned him about it.  He liked aggressive woman.  Ok. He started to say he loved me and I just blew it off as you are in lust.  How can you fall in love with someone you have never seen before......  Out 1st blow up came about over me asking him why he never called?  He blow up over that stating something about  me nagging him.  That was the start of the fall into behavior I didn't understand.  We would be in the middle of a conversation and he would be mia.  I questioned him and he would just say he feel asleep.  After a week of that I asked him if he had a sleep problem. I knew something was not normal.  Is all he said was yes.  It wasn't until 3 months into this when I was dealing with my son add that I found out about his adhd.  I didn't think much about it.  Because after all I have been dealing with my sons since he was 3 and he was 25 at that time.
I am not going to go into the every detail of the last 3 years of on again off again with this man.  The 1st. year was very difficult to understand.  I just wanted us to get back to where we started from.  Every time  we decided to meet something would get misunderstood and and he would berate me and tell me I was crazy.  His famous words were: "you just do not know how to shut up."  I'm guilty of that!!!  I do not sit back and let someone verbally abuse me.  I would write his long emails and he would say he didn't read them that he lost interest in them.  Another slap in the faces.  He never ever said he was sorry for what he had said to me he was just pissed off.  I was so done after that but he told me that we owed it to ourselves to at least try.  I don't know what possessed me to keep going back and contacting him.  Oh I forgot to say that after every blow up he would block me.  So I would get another email address.  I would let months go by and try to move on with my life.  Then I would just drop him a line and for a few days it was good.  This has gone one for way to long.  It was just crazy I didn't understand it.  I was beginning to think I must be crazy.  Perhaps OCD.  Oh I forgot to say he also is OCD.  I do not understand OCD other then what I have read on the internet.  He didn't seem to follow any of the symptoms.  I saw pictures of his house and it was neat.  In fact we had talked about what a slob my some was. I did ask him once about it and he didn't answer me.  He had a habit of just picking out things he would respond to.  He took on the personality of hot, cold and none responsive.  He couldn't realize when I was just teasing him and took it as a put down and would get angry.
I started realizing when his meds had kicked in he was great.

This last go around was not intended to be anymore then to check in on him after a major storm had hit.  I didn't really expect a responses but I got one.  I tried to keep it lite not over do it with the responses.  I woke up to a text mgs. on 2/14 wishing me a Happy Valentines.  Now that was a first.  So I thought ok he's inviting me into his life.  That night he got angry about something I said and he was gone.......mia.  I dropped but did text him back in my defenses stating that I misunderstood  and I was sorry that I intruded in his life.  He responded that he was just pissed.
Then the next two days nothing.  Ok a normal thinking person would just walk away but not me I wanted answers...So another new email address just trying to get a answer......he took it all wrong and needles to say I was berated to the point of no return I said something that I could never take back.  It had to do with his marriage.
Over and done with.  25 email addresses later and feeling so guilty then I found this site.  If only I had known all of this before at least I would have understood what was going on.  I don't know if I would have even tried but at least I would have been able to understand.  He is a good man and I feel he deserves to find happiness.       

Now I will focuses on my son.......

CroMag's picture

THis isn't ADHD

Seriously. Don't confuse this with ADHD. Your husband sounds like an utter sh!t. ADHD people may have impulsive anger and it may be difficult for others to deal with but to blame it on you afterwards, that's bad and it hasn't got anything to do with ADHD. If he continues like this my advice is to get out. Divorce him and get a restraining order if needs be...

anger, blame, adhd, etc.

I agree. This is the first post I have made for a really long time because I just got sick of everyone saying to accept it, get help, make allowances, etc. What I have recently been made aware of, and I know it has been referred to on this forum elsewhere, is that many adhd'ers have other issues that complicate the matter and make treatment/help confusing and challenging. I'm the non, my husband is the adhd one. Our psychologist recently declared that he believes my husband not only has adhd, but also is bipolar AND has narcissistic personality disorder. This cocktail of challenges creates a very angry, blaming, immature and nasty individual - one who refuses to acknowledge there is a problem (it's obviously all me) and no matter what angle is taken to attempt managing these challenges, he bounces between the disorders (for want of a better word) in order to justify unacceptable behaviours. His most recent angle is that we are all victims of 'programming' by the 'system' and just need to allow each other to be who we are. That would be great if it included any validation for anyone else's feelings, thoughts, needs, space, the list goes on.

Adhd doesn't necessarily make a person angry and/or violent, but it often has friends that do. After nearly twenty years together (and it's been a living hell mostly) I am once again weighing up leaving everything the children and I have and love in order to be free of the blame and attacking and useless circles of argument about everything. Another post I saw pointed out that if the adhd'er cannot acknowledge they need to manage their 'condition', then there is no further you can go. Without acknowledgment of an issue, the issue cannot be addressed. This is where my husband resides due to the n.p.d. - that great river in egypt - de nile. So sad that he has lost the respect of his wife and children, is once again risking losing his family and home, all because according to him, he is the centre of the universe and anyone who challenges that perspective is wrong...... I'm going to have another cry....