Today, a dog owner left without cleaning up. I asked ADD spouse to take a look out the window and take a look at the dog owner. All of a sudden, he is livid, runs out the wrong door and goes all the way around the wrong side of the property and almost accuses another dog owner (minding their own business). For heavens' sake, I just asked him to take a good look at the dog owner from the safety of our window. He comes in all livid at me, it's not because of the dog poo, it's not because of the careless dog owner, its all because I had the audacity to "control" him. So he did everything else to confuse the whole situation. (Which I remind you, was a very neutral request. I wasn't jumping or screaming)
Please. Tell me, does it seem like I'm controlling in any way when I just ask someone to take a look out our window? When I'm with anyone else, that person will just go to the window to assess what I'm referring to, size up the owner, size up the situation. And maybe say, "that's a lot of nerve!" (or some such FEELING)
None of this happened and it went all downhill from there -- I'm accused of being manipulative, mean, controlling, I need to "learn" to shut up, and "we're done" "I don't care what you feel".
These "NOs" come with not one ounce of feeling for the other person (the spouse and main target).... why is this?? Please, what does everyone do to keep from going completely and utterly insane. It is such WOUNDING behavior, I just don't think I can go on until death do we part. It's worse as we grow old together.
I also notice the need to vocally announce "NO" "Never" "it's not going to happen" to even the most extraordinarily simple statements -- things most of the world accept and share openly are vocalized not only by my ADD spouse, but by various children I've come across on the autistic spectrum... it is oppositional, defiant, in both Aspergers and ADHD children. What part of the brain is causing the oppositional defiance??
I walked away but I feel he needs help to slow down, it's like this huge switch goes on and his brain becomes one huge defiant "NO". He hurts me needlessly, he's hurting himself too.
I know this
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Oh copingSAH - I know this. My husband has a default position of NO. The simplest and most reasonable requests are met with a straight 'no'. I'm not sure that he has even heard what has been said half the time. I did once get out of him that he feels that by acquiescing to a request he is laying himself open to having further demands made of him and so it's easier to just keep me at bay. What on earth is that about?!!!!!! How much of this is ADHD and how much is to do with his upbringing - I don't know. What I will say is it makes me want to bash his brains out.
copingSAH,
Submitted by dweeb on
copingSAH,
I'm accused of being manipulative, mean, controlling, I need to "learn" to shut up, and "we're done" "I don't care what you feel".
NO! You are not manipulative. You are not mean. You are not controlling. Sadly, I know all too well what you are experiencing. I'd have enough money to support a small country for every time I heard my husband interrupt me and say "I don't care what you say", "I don't care about you", "I don't care, I don't care I don't care!" My husband also sees it as controlling, manipulative and mean. He's under the impression that if I wasn't a controlling nag that everything would be perfect (sigh!).
Tired to My Bones made a great post on one of my questions (also below!) here is the link: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/i-need-hear-you-lady-spouses#comment...
Also, in doing some research I found an excellent forum post by Melissa which I hope can bring some perspective to my relationship. Here it is: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-matters
Wish you only the best!
A