Before I met my husband, I felt like a normal, contributing, functioning, clean member of society. I really liked that. I paid my bills on time, I loved my house, I was active, I took pride in myself, my house, my work, etc.
Granted I have a 2 year old (from another ex, who isn't involved), I find I'm it! You know, the person who cleans, cooks, takes care of everything but myself type. I've become overweight (partially from baby, partially from choosing McD's or other fast food types over having to cook and entertain a 2 year old after a long day at work while my husband sleeps.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I'm starting to really resent the fact that I wanted a different life for myself. I want to be able to take a girls weekend with my friends, or a girls night out, go running, or walking, or start sewing lessons, travel once a year, keep active and do fun activities that cost money with my daughter. The problem is, if I take a girls weekend for instance, nothing will get done around the house, as seen when I take my daughter and head off to the cottage without him for a few days.
I won't leave him alone with my daughter since, while I do think he's a great dad, I find if he's lacking sleep, or had too much caffeine, etc, then I find him extremely hard on her. His expectation of her is so high that she becomes miserable and she sits on time out as a result.
How do you ladies cope with the life you live now, vs the life you wished for yourself, or wanted? I don't know how to stop the resentment and just accept the fact that I'll be doing the majority of EVERYTHING for the rest of my life.
I am finding the same thing!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I used to be on the go constantly. Go out and run errands, shopping, little adventures on my own, take walks. Now since meeting H I have gained weight due to his cooking and I don't exercise and I no longer go and do things on the spur of the moment. Because now anytime I go do something without him I am scrutanized or given some sarcastic, ridiculous comment like "Oh are you going to see the pool boy? Have fun and tell him hello for me.". I find it's just easier to sit at home in front of the tv rather than having to explain every single thing I do to him. I shouldn't have to be afraid to tell him I'm going to go shopping, but I am because I know I'll get some kind of snide remark. I know I could have a much more fulfilling life on my own or with someone else.
Mapper, how did you learn to
Submitted by dweeb on
Mapper, how did you learn to live with that, I mean, that you find it easier to just sit and watch TV? It's so hard!! I miss having a life!! Being active, having fun, socializing with friends.
It makes me feel so terrible for you to hear you say you could have a much more fulfilling life on your own or with someone else..... why can't our partners just be equal.....
I keep thinking "If he'd only
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I keep thinking "If he'd only start being an adult and going to work every day" that that would be a huge step. If I could just start trusting him again life would be so much better. I never used to have this mistrust with him up until about 6 months ago. That's when the lies just seemed to start and not stop.
I like my job, but I'm always ready to leave at 4PM. I get home around 5PM and I wonder "Why was I in such a hurry to get home? There's nothing to do here other than sit and watch tv with him or on my own and then go to bed at 8:30 due to boredom." I'll usually get some kind of snarky remark or the oh-so-famous "What are you doing?!" from him no matter what I do, whether it be sitting on the computer, walking around the backyard, taking a shower, going into the garage. He always seems to think I'm doing something behind his back. I used to volunteer at an animal rescue but there's no way I'd do that now as I wouldn't get home until 8PM and he'd be so upset that I was out for that long even though he knows EXACTLY where I'd be.
Mapper, I feel for you. It
Submitted by dweeb on
Mapper, I feel for you. It is so disheartening to think that we are meant to suffer, live status quo....
It's so hard. It's so hard...... I'm losing my mind trying to cope.
It's non stop caring for a lying child! His actions, words, non-actions, response, defense, reasoning, thought process, it all mimics that of a child's thought process. An immature frontal lobe. I'm exhausted.
If he were my child, I'd ring his bloody neck.....
did anything happen
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, you've said that your husband started acting this way about 6 months ago. Did anything happen then? or some change of some sort? It's just curious as to why such a huge change all of a sudden. (just asking)
Life has a way
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Well, Dweeb, I have found that life does have a way of intervening in my best laid plans! LOL, that said, I fully understand your frustration. I am 29 years into trying to adjust and change-up and give-in and be selfless and choose-my-battles-wisely. I have gotten to "this is where the rubber meets the road."
"Before I met my husband, I felt like a normal, contributing, functioning, clean member of society. I really liked that. I paid my bills on time, I loved my house, I was active, I took pride in myself, my house, my work, etc." I had an apartment, a full time job in an accounting office, benefits, a brand new car, . . . and then met my spouse. He lived at home, had no job, and was trying to start his construction business with a loan from his Mom to buy a used newspaper delivery step-van. I can insert one of my favorite stories here - his mom accused me of dating him for his money! LOL. How funny is that?!?!?!?!?!?!?
To be 100% honest, we only have 2 children because once the dream was shattered of co-parenting, two was just the right number for me to give them the attention I wanted to have for them.
I find I'm it! You know, the person who cleans, cooks, takes care of everything but myself type. Yes that was me, too, and I fully plopped myself into that role.
So, I guess I can say that I while I did not leave my spouse to take care of the children, except for an afternoon - I did send them on vacations to their Aunt's house for the weekend while I went away on an occasional scrapbooking weekend. My spouse loves his children to death!!! He just would get so flustrated by all the hats he had to wear by staying with them. Feed them, clothe them, clean them, put them for naps, change their diapers, figure out why they were crying. His time blindness was a big issue. They would get SO hungry, because he never took time to feed them UNTIL they were so out-of-sorts that it dawned on him they needed food. Or a drink of water. Or they had a stinging red bottom because they needed a diaper change.
How do you ladies cope with the life you live now, vs the life you wished for yourself, or wanted? I don't know how to stop the resentment and just accept the fact that I'll be doing the majority of EVERYTHING for the rest of my life. And this is why I participate in this forum. to find that very path for me.
My spouse has many, many special and good qualities. Being a partner who shares the load of responsibilities is just not one of his strengths. Nor is his SEEING what I have contributed to make out lives grow to where it has gotten. Or the role I have played in keeping his business alive - struggling but alive - for 32 years.
I'm So Exhausted, thanks for
Submitted by dweeb on
I'm So Exhausted, thanks for your breakdown of my post. ***I find it extremely funny that your MIL accused you of dating him for money! LOL
This may be a very sensitive topic, and I apologize if it is:
I have 1 daughter from a previous relationship. I understand having your co-parenting dreams shattered as mine have also been shattered. I wanted to have another child, with my husband right away so there wouldn't be too many years between my daughter and her sibling, but after assessing all the damage my husband had had on this relationship, I've concluded that I never ever want to have a child with him. While I realize it could happen that the AD(h)D gene may not be passed on, I'm not even willing to take the chance. I never want to 1) deal with someone like my husband again 2) have my child put someone else though what my husband has put me through 3) manage with life with 2 people with ADD (my husbands unmanaged). I find it really sad to think that... and it makes me feel like a huge mean person because of it.
It seems you are stronger than me! It's been 2 years and I have so many negative feelings about taking on the burden of the whole household. I want to live! I want good things for my daughter and I. I want to socialize and have fun..... I resent it every day!
Strength comes from the inside
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dweeb,
"It seems you are stronger than me! "
I have a feeling you are strong. I think the reality may be I have just been at this a lot longer!
There is a lot of things I resent. They are not deep seated emotional traumas. One of my struggles with counseling was each time I stated something I felt, the counselor honed in on it trying to disseminate that feeling. Or thought I needed to figure out how to "get past/over that burdensome emotion."
Oh heck, I do resent my marriage at this place in time. I am not resentful in general.
I am pissed that I can't figure this stuff out. But I am not in a pissy mood.
I am angry that my spouse just doesn't seem to "get with the program." But I am not angry.
It was a very purposeful choice not to have more children. When I was pregnant for the first time, at age 29, I had morning sickness, 24 hours a day, for at least 2 months. It was awful. I would just try to sleep as much as I could. I suggested my spouse go fishing, or to his family's house because I just needed to be left alone. When I got pregnant with our second child, I was informed by my doctor that the probability of having the same severe morning sickness was very small. That was proved wrong. It lasted over 3 months. With a 2 year old at home, it was not feasible to suggest my spouse go fishing, thus he just started working all sorts of late hours which seemed very unjust. to me. In no way, shape, or form, do I think he did it spitefully or with malice. He just did what he does - avoid.
ADHD certainly does run in families. The bright side, is that if it is identified early in life, it can be managed in the most positive ways. I have "lived" the proof of that in raising our son. He is now 25.
I get that not understanding what was amiss for 55 years of a person life is unpleasant. What I cannot understand is that now that my spouse has a diagnosis to explain it, he is stuck in so much other life crap that he cannot address it properly. He is going through the motions, but I still get glimpses of his belief that the problem is mine, and as soon as I come to grips with it and straighten my thinking out, then things will get better.
Liz
Liz,
Submitted by dweeb on
Liz,
Yes! YES! I hear you, I'm angry I can't fix it, angry that he can't step up, but I'm not angry...... Yes, I too, feel this way. I also get the impression that my husband is mostly of the belief that the problem is mine. It could stem from the idea that everyone generally coped around him to compensate...... Right now that's just a theory, I'm looking into.
I read Tired-To-My-Bones post below, and lauren07, yours, and many many many others posts on here and I'm so sad for us.... I'm so sad at what we live with, find acceptable, put up with, live through, endure all to stay married to our spouses who can be great, but so exhausting..... We are good ladies! We are good people! This life isn't fair..... I'm crying for us all right now, in my cubicle at work.
I'm so happy to hear about your son. It's encouraging.
I love to follow your posts and wisdom! You seem to have so much perspective. Thank you for being here......
A
Dear Dweeb - I feel for you.
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Dear Dweeb - I feel for you. It seems that we get eroded little piece by little piece until we no longer recognise who we are or how we got to this place. Here's what I have learned very painfully over 30 years of marriage to a man I now realise has ADHD.
1 - It is a myth that the other half exists. We need to fully work on ourselves so that we can stand full square in our own space and not rely on, or expect, the other half to complete us. Work really hard on not being attached to outcomes. Eat well, sleep well. Take small steps to recover your old sense of self. Each little step is a victory.
2 - That it is an awful awakening when we realise that the other person just doesn't get how to live peaceably and for mutual benefit because they live in their own world and truly cannot see the wider picture. Not because they are bad people. They just don't get it. And they have evolved sophisticated ways of managing the stuff they don't get and which is often reinforced by the messages they receive in terms of the frustration which has surrounded them for perhaps all their lives.
3 - It is so important to keep outside friendships/interests going - for morale, self esteem, mental stimulation, sanity saving.
4 - That being angry and resentful is all encompassing until you cannot bear even thinking about them because you just want to smash them over the head with the nearest blunt instrument. Once when I was heavily pregnant, my husband made me so angry, I can't remember why - but it would have begun reasonably enough and I was pushed and pushed to the edge, that I shot out of bed (as best I could) saying 'that's it, I'm going to get a knife". He was so scared I found him cowering, stark naked in the living room. I had turned into a ranting, screaming mad woman. Because he wouldn't/couldn't hear what I was saying. And it wasn't hormonal.
5 - It's worth totting up the pros and cons of remaining in a relationship. If the pros outweigh the cons - whatever they look like and for whatever reason - consider hanging on there. And arm yourself with as much knowledge and understanding as you can.
6- Keep your finances separate. Don't give him access to your money. And don't bale him out financially.
7- Have a bolt hole plan. You may never need it. But it will do your heart good to know it's there.
8- Don't cover for him. But don't expect friends and family to see what you are going through.
9 - Recognise the role we play in enabling this behaviour. Because we can see the wider picture and we can not only see down the road, but over the next hill as well, we become experts in anticipating the let downs, the failures, the hurts. And we compensate by trying to show by example, being 'helpful', being 'kind', being too patient. Limit all these activities. Don't be the oracle who knows where he put his keys, debit card, the dates of his nieces' birthdays. In our desire to create a good family life we often take on board the task of being social vaseline, easing the way and covering over the cracks by becoming the present buyer and relative inviter to gatherings. You are not responsible for his side of the family. My husband was taken to task by his siblings because he regularly forgot their birthdays. They voted with their stamps and 'forgot' his birthday one year and told him they were fed up with his lax approach. As someone who needs the positive affirmation of lots of birthday cards, this hit home.
10 - Remind yourself that you are ok. You are worthwhile. You have value.
It's taken 30 years to work all this out. Would I go through it again? Not on your nelly.
Take care of yourself Dweeb. You are important.
Great post, Tired-to-my-bones
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Great post, Tired-to-my-bones. Thank you!
I shall second that!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Tired-to-my-bones,
Great post!
Liz
Thank you for this, Tired-to-my-bones
Submitted by Standing on
When i read this at work today, it gave me a much needed boost. I'm sure alot of folks will be blessed by reading it! We all need to remember who we are, lest we get lost amid the chaos.
Great Post!
Submitted by c ur self on
It's took me six years, but I've put in enough boundaries, she is starting to get it....If you are living with a severe add/ADHD spouse and you aren't willing set boundaries, live completely responsible for your own life and well being like they don't exist....But, still love them and be a faithful mate then you maybe in trouble....This is an awesome post tired to my bones of how that plays out...Thanks for sharing it.
TTMB,*cue waterworks
Submitted by dweeb on
TTMB,*cue waterworks
I needed a couple of days and a couple reads to let it fully sink in. Every word from your post has meaning and truth. Thank you! Thank you for your reply!
I have started to take care of my daughter and myself. I need to. I'm near a breakdown and I need to have the strength for my little girl.
At this point, the most of my learning has been from the spouses stand point, and how to cope, learn and deal. I've not yet learned how his brain functions, it's just one of the many many things I still need to do.
Thankfully I do have outside friends and interests, but as I mentioned in another post, my husband works overnights and I have a toddler at home that I do not leave alone with him (he's too militant), also, childcare (in Canada, anyway) is grotesquely expensive so the money just isn't there at this point dive right into outside interests. It will be, though, in a couple of years when my daughter is in school.
I laugh, and cry at the non-hormonal naked knife incident. I've been to that point and it was scary. I always say décrotte tes oreilles (french expression for take the crap out of your ears, listen up!) to my husband. Because we are on constant replay of the same issues over and over and over again. I'm just soo exhausted!! Tired to my bones (ha!)!! A few times I've been so enraged at my husband that I'm shaking, and want to bust through a wall. Prior to him I had never been that angry before. I fully understand the definition of "seeing red' now.
I've yet to make a list of pros and cons. I find this task extremely difficult, and also, I'm afraid of seeing more on the con side than pro. I do know its something I should do, perhaps with him, but I'm just so angry right now that all I want is space. Stress free space. He tells me space will turn him in the other direction, so I sacrifice my wellbeing.
Our finances are separate, however I have full access to his bank account since my parents cosigned on a car loan for him and he's spent the money meant for his car on several occasions. My husband does not have access to my accounts. Also, I've learned NOT to ask him to go buy something for the family (ie. $3 worth of stamps with a $20 bill, cause I'll never see the change, ever).
Your number 7, although so very realistic, is the one of the hardest to swallow. I need to always have one in place, and that's really sad! I do not have one yet, but need one. I'll start working on one during the weekend. Cause you just never know!
Only my parents, and 1 friend of mine have a full understanding of what I go through. Everyone else thinks he's all rainbows and puppies..... How lucky am I to have found a man willing to stand it an be a father to your daughter. He's a good man yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah!! It's rather frustrating....
Thank you for your validation, I really needed this. It's also the toughest of your points to swallow. I've lost my value, meaning and purpose and you reminded me that finding it is warranted!
I will continue to look for your inspiring posts TTMB. You seem to have uplifting messaging in all your posts.
A
So well written
Submitted by boilergirl on
Everything you wrote is spot on. I have got to figure out a way to separate our finances. I am working full-time again (just started last month), so my plan is to open a new account and put some of my check into that. I need to do a pros/con list. And this year I have finally declared that I am done worrying about his happiness. Being miserable is partially his choice, and he is the only one who can control that. Thank you for such a poignant response.