For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced it Matters

I have had ADHD most of my life and never really thought much beyond the inability to sit still and focus. A few years ago I decided after getting into serious problems with work that I would consider taking some medication, I had a terrible reaction to it and stopped and never went back on it. I started self-medicating with gross amounts of caffeine but that started to have severe impacts on my health and overall well being. Late last year I went back to the psychiatrist and he prescribed a new medication that I have been on sense then. I really enjoyed the clarity it was giving me to silence all of the thoughts and be able to focus and complete tasks. I noticed however, that I was also calmer and less paranoid. I never thought much about that until I started reading the posts on this site and realized all of the issues that I have had over these 30+ years are related to ADHD.
Lately the medication does not seem to work anymore and I am back to my old grumpy self with the same old issues creeping up. I work from home so I do not really get out and I have to be forced to go out at times. When I am out or around people I am not happy or even very relax. My brother-in-law’s sister visited me the other day to talk with me about what she is seeing and telling me that if I do not get some help that I may lose everything.
That got me to thinking a lot; I am getting nervous as my wife has put up with a lot of stuff from me money issues, infidelity and such. She is realizing that she shouldn’t have to put up with all of this after over 10 years of marriage or have our 2 year old be subjected to all of this either. I do not know what to do as I feel like I have tried in the past and either never followed through, failed or something did not work. It is starting to make me depressed and almost like I want to run away from this all.
Reading these posts are starting to give me the confidence to seek out help, I just hope that I can find the right person the first time. The last time I had to get a refill was from a new doctor because we moved and they did not really want to help or even know much about what I was going through or the side-effects I was having.

Excellent article. But this frustrated me:

"If you don’t believe you have ADHD, it’s easy to find out.  Go get a full evaluation from a psychiatrist who knows what they are doing."

As far as I know, a full psych evaluation costs thousands of dollars. Does anyone have any recommendations for those of us who can't self diagnose with confidence, but don't have that kind of money to spend on a full eval?

Hi Melissa My husband and I listened to your teleclass on ADDclasses.com about Anger and Frustration in an ADD marriage.

He finally realized that other couples have the same cyclical problems caused by ADD attributes.  He has agree to fight the ADD now and stop fighting with me (for the most part, early days yet).

My request is that you create a teleclass on the topic of men/women with ADD who do not realize the effect it has on their relationships, similar to your recent blog post.

I like the point form method, listing how ADD attributes contribute to problems, which could be included in a handout as well.  The teleclasses have been a godsend for us as my husband does not read but he can pay attention to a 3/4 hour class.

I have been considering your words to ADD partners and not taking my husband's apparent cluelessness personally.  I have been more able to stay calm.  But I am asking each time for tangible evidence for change.

I have told him that I do not want to be a dupe of ADD and have it jump out at me again.  Or if it does, I need to be able to name it and stop the cycle if he can't.

I have the courage to get in the car and drive away if he starts to get angry.

Thanks for helping partners be more compassionate.  I feel I have grown a lot by being in this relationship. Your advice has reinforced my own path.

Consider another teleclass and know we are listening.  Thanks.  Karen

ps I think I will write a post like yours that reflects my situation:  how this ADD relationship affects me, just for myself for now.  I think it may help me find my way through the turmoil to peace a little faster.  So often I hate to write or journal as it only recreates the "Groundhog Day" feeling I have about our life.  Maybe if I set out a list of how ADD affects the marriage, it will be like a catharsis and create something somewhat objective about my situation.

Glad I found this site. My husband was diagnosed last year at 34. Explained a lot at the time however I am now completely mentally exhausted and at the end of my rope.

Your articles describes exactly the situation. In fact, lately I found we have been screaming too much at each other, with arguments ending with me saying that he just does not get how I feel.

My heart is breaking, I feel completely stuck and unhappy.

As I was reading, I was thinking I should forward the article to him so I smiled when I read you mention that.

I will certainly keep reading here. At least I don't feel so alone.

I really don't know where to start because this article is so accurate and to read it very painful.

I am a 42 year old male who was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD about 90 days ago.  These conditions/circumstances have surrounded me my whole life, but they took the ultimate toll on my marriage recently when my wife filed for divorce after 16 years.  62 days later we are divorced.  A drastic step I was not in favor of but seemed powerless to stop. 

My wife finally reached the point this year that she was exhausted fighting for what she wanted and expected from a husband and married life.  She had given me a list of things that she needed to see change in July.  In August there had not been "enough" of a change to be a different me.  I sought help on my suspicion and self-evaluation in September this year.

I feel mistreated and cheated by the lack of effort in working through our problems as a couple, especially to find that ADHD is to blame for basically all of it.  Not an excuse, but I sought diagnosis, have started counseling, medication (a work in progress) and I have attended my first CHADD support group in our area.  I wish I could have done all of this within my marriage with a shot at saving it for my wife and children.  In both good and bad ways the life I have wanted will never be the same. 

Others do not and should not have to lose living with their children and the spouses they love because they are fighting a battle that is unknown to all of them.  There are great people out there with great lives being torn apart.  If you see the symptoms tell them.  I cannot change my past, but we can help the future for others.     

I have been married to my husband for a year and a half and we dated for 7 years before that.  The crazy thing is that I really didn't see how different he was until we joined our lives and got married.  Sure, he kept late hours, but we both did because we were in school and we worked really hard.  He never, ever arrived to family parties on time, but he wasn't originally from the city we were living in, and his humourous exploits were part of the quirkiness that I really loved about him - he is spontaneous, unpredictable and interesting.  I always felt that he really loved me - we were both sure that we belonged together from the first few months that we dated and that feeling never wavered.  He is the best friend I have ever had.

Then we got engaged and we had to plan the wedding (enter "Father of the Bride" subtext).  He was consistently hours late for appointments.  He couldn't understand what a "wedding registry" was even though just about everyone who gets married has one and I explained it to him numerous times.  I absolutely couldn't get him to nail down an opinion on anything.  It felt like he was being really hurtful and inconsiderate.  He booked the plane tickets for our honeymoon two days before our wedding and we left without hotel reservations booked for when we arrived.  Ladies, we all know that we tend to care about these mundane wedding details more than our fiances, but in this case I think my nerves were understandably frayed.  I was really worried and stressed about everything going well and he wasn't there for me.  I felt like I had to exert the control of a slave driver to get him to contribute any effort towards our wedding.  But he's not a lazy, chauvanistic ass - something was really off.

A year and a half later:  We left his parents' house on Christmas morning, a holiday where he lost his temper, had a meltdown, and left his mother sobbing.  Then he spent the two-hour drive to my parents' yelling about how he wants a divorce and it was a mistake to ever get married (this is normal, he tells me he regrets marrying me and wants a divorce every time we argue, that he married me out of pity, that I am a failure...I have to hear this whenever he is provoked about anything).  What set him off?  He was late getting up and I tried to rush him so we wouldn't be late for the Christmas meal with my family.  

Yesterday we had a conversation where our voices were not raised and he told me frankly and very seriously that he just wants to be left alone to keep his own hours free of any routines.  He mercilessly went on to say that he is just tired of feeling bored.  That was when I really realized that when I married him, I did not get a partner, I did not get a lover, I did not get a husband.  I joined myself with someone who lacks any instinct or desire for communication or interaction with me.  He goes his own way completely haphazardly and I may or may not fall in with his daily actions. He doesn't feel the natural desire to spend time with me and he doesn't have the ability to actively schedule me into his daily routine.  This inattention, lack of empathy, and disorderliness is his natural state. 

I would like all ADHD spouses who doubt that their behaviour affects their marriages to reflect on my experience and the others in this forum.  I would also really welcome any comments or support or commiseration.

My husband has ADD. We've been in marriage counseling for a year and the therapist is sure of it. He won't admit it. He thinks he may have had it as a kid, but that he's grown out of it. He did not! And it's affecting our marriage terribly. Been married 6 years, have 3 delicious children, don't want to lose it all, but my patience and tolerance is waning.

How can I get him, in as nice a way as possible, to recognize the fact that he does have ADD, that it doesn't mean he's BAD or anything like that, and that he needs to take responsible steps in dealing with it?

The post is obvieous for people (like me) with ADHD, but I do have one remark, how am I supposed to concentrate myself long enough to read such a long piece? Sorry I tried but I really cant. I asked my wife to read the post and make it shorter, that helped. Btw I am not trying to be funny, but merely want to point out that it is really hard to read such long posts with such small letters without loosing attention.

I’m 37 and almost positive I have ADHD, I know it causes a problem in my relationship because of my actions w/ anger and selfishness and the way I just don’t have a filter when I speak.

Plus all I hear is “you don’t listen”, and then I interrupt and really piss her off. I don’t mean to, but I really feel I’m being attacked, always. Plus always being reminded of all the mistakes I made in life and in our relationship. I don’t feel I’m out of control, but then too I’m use to myself, which is why I don’t see what others see, especially my girlfriend. She means the world to me and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, but I think it is time I really start taking this more seriously.

My INABILITY TO READ EMOTIONAL CUES is bad, but I myself am a very emotional person.

My fear is getting treatment from a doctor that just gives you pills that don’t work & just wants your money & in the meantime I will suffer on medication that might not work and really screw w/ my head. I like my ADHD and how it affects myself @ my job, but it is killing my home life w/ the love of my life and I just can’t control everything. I feel like everything that was once fine is now, not even controllable. My problems & mistakes in life have become a life of there own.

I think I’m just tired of always feeling like I’m a big disappointment to others.

I LOVE this post.  I'm thinking of asking my wife to read it.  It's very long though, and I'm not sure she would read the whole thing.  Also, it's written "for MEN who have ADHD."  Plus, she does know she has ADHD - in fact she is on meds and she has read some of Dr. Hallowell's books, so she might not think this post applies to her.  Maybe I can edit it down a bit and change it to be more gender neutral.  (It's hard when you are in a same-sex marriage - most everything is written in terms of husbands and wives, men and women.)

Anyway, although my wife knows she has ADHD and is on meds, she is not in counseling with someone who specializes in ADHD, and I think she doesn't think that matters.  When I have mentioned it to her, she says "I talk with Dr. so and so about ADHD" - that's her psychiatrist.  But she only sees him once a month, maybe less.  And her therapist, who she has't seen in awhile, clearly doesn't understand ADHD issues.  My wife thinks she is working on her ADHD issues, but I think "all" she is doing is "trying harder."  And what Melissa wirites above "Meds alone won't do it.  Trying harder doesn't work." really hits home for me.  That is what I need to get across to my wife.  I think she needs to more fully treat her ADHD.  I think what she needs are more strategies, according to what I have read on this site.    I think her reluctance is not because she doesn't thinks she needs help, but more because she just doesn't know where she will find the time to do one more thing.  I'm willing to see someone with her if that makes sense, but I'm not sure at this point if it's more important for her to get some coaching or for us to get some coaching together?

The other issue is that her psychiatrist keeps telling her that not everything is about the ADHD - that often when one person in a relationship has been diagnosed it's common for the other to blame everything on the person with the diagnosis.  He has told my wife it sounds like that might be happening with us.  But I think what I am doing is blaming most of what is happening with us on the diagnosis as Melissa writes above, but my guess is to my wife that doesn't feel any different because she still ends up feeling like the bad guy.  And I'm not sure how to suggest that she needs to find more help without her hearing exactly that - that I think she IS the bad guy, which is one of the reasons I like this post so much.  Though I'm guessing if she were to read it, she would still end up feeling "Wow - it really IS my fault."  Or that I'm just making one more criticism of her.  I really feel bad that she feels that way - I know it really hurts and I haven't been successful in helping her see it any differently.

I do know that I am willing to try most anything, because I don't want my solution to be what so many on this post seem to have gotten to - just ignoring and avoiding their spouse and "doing their own thing."  I want togetherness, not seperateness.  I don't want to be joined at the hip, but I definitely want more qualitytime together.  And I have to think that since we have only been together 3 years (not 30 like so many others here), and since my wife IS on meds and always remembers to take them, and because SHE wants more quality time also, that there's still hope of our becoming more connected in our relationship.  And so, I'm NOT giving up.  (Though I have to admit that thought does sometimes enter my head.)

Thank God I found this site!  Came across it while searching the internet trying to research what may be wrong with my husband as he is destroying our marriage.

We just got Married in January 2010 and already he is threatening divorce, name calling, complaining about the kids, blaming me for all the wrong in his life and so on and so forth.

My nerves are shot!  His family doctor was prescribing him 300mg of Wellbutrin each day but now he is on one of his deviant days and won't take them.  Keep explaining that you can't take this medication when you want to it must be daily.  He is being so bullheaded!

How am I going to get this man accessed for ADHD, our counsellor says he has it but he can't diagnosis for this condition.  I believe he is bipolar also as the highs and lows show that.

Please help any suggestions?

My husband's never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, at least from what I know, however, he'll go to doctor appointments and come home with Adderall, and now he's on Concerta. He tells me his psychiatrist gave it to him to 'help him concentrate at work'.  He was diagnosed with hyperactivity as a child and was on the old-time meds back then.  We've been to three different marriage counselors and again, no one has said ADHD to me, however our last and favorite counselor has done wonders for our marriage and wants to work with my husband on behavior changes to help our marriage out.  I ran across an excerpt for the book ADHD and marriage two weeks ago and it just 'clicked'.  It hit all the points of contention in our marriage.  I brought this up, softly, to my husband, and he didn't respond at all.  Lately, I noticed his behavior changing again.  Distracted, irritable, grumpy, lack of patience...I checked on his meds and noticed that he refilled it last the beginning of June, there are still pills in the bottle, and it's the end of August.  We've been married for 13 years, and this is a pattern that I'm just exhausted from.  Things get bad, we seek help, mostly together, but sometimes he gets referred to doctors, who then diagnose him with 'something' (I'm not at the appointments), they give him meds, and he ends up treating himself and doing what he wants.  Our marriage counselor would give us small tasks to complete and he wouldn't complete one without my reminders.  I'm tired and lost and wonder if this pattern will ever end, if there is something more proactive I can be doing to help him, or if this is something I may eventually just have to walk away from.