Non-ADHD Experience

When my husband started to "grow back in" to his ADD in his late 30's, it was initially very bewildering.  He had always been thoughtful before, and now he seemed so thoughtless and self-centered.  He became more and more inconsistent.  I was at a loss to understand what was happening  and therefore distressed and worried.  As his behaviors became more pronounced, his increasing "carelessness" and "thoughtlessness" started to become physically and financially dangerous to himself and to our children.  I stopped worrying about why he was behaving differently because I was too busy being very scared for their safety and our future.  I would tell him how scared I was, and his reaction was always that he would never do anything to hurt us -- he couldn't see at all that he could hurt us through negligence.

From fear I progressed to anger (I'd been brought up to get mad instead of cry).  We'd talked so often about the problem behaviors and how upset they made me and the effect he was having on the kids, and yet he was still doing them!  It seemed to me that he wasn't listening, he wasn't caring, he wasn't thinking, and that seemed really irresponsible and it made me very mad.  And it seemed like he listened better and thought more when I yelled!  So I yelled more and more, which fed my anger further.

Around this time my husband was finally diagnosed with ADD.  For various reasons, progress was extremely slow, which was depressing for me.  I knew it wasn't realistic but I wanted a silver bullet.  I spent a lot of time in despair that we would ever have a non-dysfunctional family life.  I was also very lonely.  Nobody understood what I was coping with -- his family was in denial about the whole thing, and my family just didn't "get it".  I didn't have any friends that weren't also friends with my husband, and he's so charming in public (and had fewer opportunities to show his more troubling behaviors) that nobody understood what I was coping with.

By the time we finally did work out solutions, I felt my life had been shredded beyond recognition, although I do understand that life isn't obligated to fulfill our expectations!  What has made me sad is that I always felt I had some special abilities to bring to the service of many people while I earned a living, and while I have managed to do some good things for a few people over the course of my life, I don't feel like I accomplished anywhere near as much as I could have.  Today through a lot of work and better meds, my marriage is happy again;  I am a stronger and hopefully wiser person; but I am scarred forever.

Before his diagnosis, a lot of confusion and hopelessness. We would argue about things, then sit down and discuss them, which always ended the same way - him promising to try harder.  He would, for several weeks, then once the hyper focus period on 'fixing things' was over, he'd slide straight back into bad habits.  My major problem was "He knows this is hurting me and making me unhappy, why won't he make any effort to change it?"

I come from an emotionally abusive family, resulting in poor self-esteem (among other issues), which is something my fiancee knew before we started dating.  At times, it honestly felt as though he had pursued a relationship with me because I wouldn't have the confidence to leave, even though I was miserable in the relationship. 

I also felt there was something basically 'wrong' with me.  To be treated badly by your family, then the man who swore to protect you from that, really made me think that is was a problem with me, not with them.  Why else would the people who are supposed to cherish you and protect you treat you so badly? 

Since his diagnosis, around 6 weeks ago, I feel hope and relief. Hope that we can rebuild our relationship - not to what it once was, but into something new that suits who we are now.  

Relief that it's not me!  

However, I still feel hurt and anger over things that have happened. I understand much better why he made certain decisions, but those things still hurt very much if I happen to think of them. Now though, I remind myself that our explanation of him being wired differently to me is very true and instead of taking my pain out on him, I run a bath, vent to some friends or lock myself in our room and cry until I've calmed down again. He hates that I need to do it, but understands that I do need to and that while I can forgive those actions, I will never forget them.

I've known for a long time that my husband had ADD, but didn't really know what it meant. He was diagnosed as a child, and was part of the Ritalin experiment in the late 80s. I knew all of this, but didn't really comprehend the ramifications. Our life wasn't always pleasant, as many can attest to. Looking back on the first few years of our marriage, I can see just which problems were caused by attention-deficit. Then our son started showing symptoms, my husband's became more pronounced, and my depression deepened. All I could think about was how much easier my life would be if I could just take my young daughter and run away...and that would make me feel so horrible, so guilty. But that was my dark dream, my black secret, to run away and have an easier life...

Now that my husband has realized the far-reaching effects of his symptoms, and is seeking help, things have gotten better. He has researched; I have researched. We have talked extensively with mental-health professionals. We are working together. Now, my dream has changed.

My dream now is to move out of the town we're in. We live so far away from any support group; we have no one but each other. In a way, this has been good, as it's forced us to work together. But I dream of having supportive friends and family nearby. I dream of living somewhere that's, while not necessarily on the cutting edge of medicinal breakthroughs, at least up with current research; our current city is so far behind it's extremely frustrating. So I dream of moving, to where the medical community is familiar with current research and can more ably help my family; to where our friends and family are, to give us support and lend a hand; to where maybe we can all breathe again.

my goals and dreams are gone and there is little hope left... Maybe I'm more melancholy than anyone else but, I've been overwhelmed by the practical reality of everyday transactions. Working, cooking, cleaning... I once had dreams of friends and travels, achieving a certain amount of security or success but now I'm content to find a quiet corner where I can just breathe. I feel empty, abandoned, ineffective... I've lost my way in the maze of ADD behaviors that apparently dominate my life. It distorts my reality and I struggle to make sense of it. I'm thankful to be alive and on this journey through life, but I wish we could do something on purpose with a goal in mind. I wish I could set out to actually achieve instead of maintain... I feel like I'm treading water...

I was a self-assured, optimistic, successful woman before I met my husband. Although I am doing better now, for two years before he left, and for some months afterwards, I was crushed, negative, and constantly upset because I was being forced down by his disorder.

My health was in a downward spiral for years, and "miraculously" improved dramatically within two weeks of him leaving. That says so much about the stress level of being with him, right there.

But after making incredible progress for years in a very difficult industry, my career has stalled. I don't have the children I dreamed of (I dearly wanted children--my husband kept punting the issue--this broke my heart, and I insisted that we discuss it--he would not--he actually "vetoed" my getting pregnant, as though he had "control" over my life, and then blamed the issue back on me!). Now, because I waited so long (originally, in good faith), I may never be able to have children, and my heart is absolutely broken that I will never be a mother. So, on top of all of the pain from the marriage itself, I feel as though there's love in my heart that will never find a home.

After all of my husband's lying and gaslighting, I am extremely slow to trust now, particularly men. I was a very open, "everyone means me well" sort of person before I met him. I am no longer, and I wonder if I ever will be again. 

After years of saving when I was single to purchase my own home, I have no home of my own because my financial security is rough at best due to his debts. This leaves me feeling "shaky," although I am getting stronger and know that, eventually, I will be ok.

I used to be resilient, but his behavior has worn me down and I "hold onto" things more than I used to. 

Getting anything that makes me happy in life will take so much more work, and so much more time after having everything that brought me joy, in the doing and the planning, derailed. I am trying not to be bitter. It is difficult. I feel as though I was "robbed"--of my my husband and the wonderful life we should have had together, my career, my children, my security, my joy. Everything that matters to me--none of it was left untouched, all of it was harmed, some things irreparably. 

I was made to feel so down, so low, and that I deserved nothing good in this world. I am scrambling to salvage what I can of my dreams. Some are dead, and will never breathe again--dreams that would have, if not come true by now, at least I would have been able to give them a good try and could have laid them to rest after knowing I had put in my best effort. I was prevented from getting even that far.

My life and my heart feel so "broken" now, and I'm in therapy to put myself back together. I'm trying to grow new dreams, and reconnect with a few of the old ones.

I don't know if I love my husband any longer. I certainly don't love his ADD. To stay married to my husband as he is now would be suicide--I'd have to give up everything that I love and that brings me joy.

I never thought I'd be typing any of the above. Reading it back brings me so much pain. None of this should have happened. This shouldn't have happened to our marriage. This shouldn't have happened to me.

I've been reading this site for awhile but I finally registered so that I could reply to this blog post.  My username sums up how I feel being married to a man with ADD.  We've been together 5 years, married 4.  Four kids - mine (14), his (ADHD - 9) and ours (3).  My husband is my 42 year old child.  When I met him I had hobbies and things I loved to do.  For the most part, those things are gone.  Normally I'm the main breadwinner; right now I'm the only breadwinner.  I do 95% of the housework, child care, and the errands of life.  I gave up my hobbies because there is just no time left for me.  I tried to keep one hobby for awhile, which was taking dance lessons one night a week.  I had to give that up when my husband jeopardized our relationship with our babysitter because he could not manage to arrive to pick up the little on on time.  My husband keeps up his hobbies and mostly plays on the computer. 

There are so many things I could say to express how I feel about being in this relationship.  Truly I think I could write a book.  Sadness, rage, utter frustration, absolute exhaustion.  They all seem manifest themselves in a profound grief.  I have battled suicidal feelings, but I simply could never do that to my children nor my parents, and I cannot imagine my husband trying to parent our little one alone.  The thought frightens me into keeping myself going no matter what.

That's not to say that there is nothing good.  My husband is a gentle soul, very kind and tender.  If he were not like that, we would not still be together.  Sometimes we still have fun together.  Sometimes I have glimpses of the joy and passion of our first year together.   My life with my ADD husband is sort of like living in a rainy climate.  It's mostly gray and dreary, but once in awhile the sun comes out and the world is beautiful and sparkly for awhile. 

I'm very glad I found this site.  Reading the many blog and forum posts has given me comfort that I'm not alone. 

Some of the feelings that I have in my marriage to my ADHD husband are frustration, anger, anxiety, love, and dread, to name a few.  My husband's actions always double my actions because I'm constantly fixing what he messes up.  He was never taught what being an adult is like, i.e., responsibility, etc., so my role is dual in the marriage and that, frankly, is unfair.

I have been married to an ADD husband for almost 30years. The first 12 years of our marriage were a complete roller coaster ride of affairs, lies, crazy jealousy on his part (even thought he was the one having the affairs), booze and overall turmoil. We went to so many counselors but things just stayed the same. Finally, we separated and stayed apart for 6 1/2 years and I managed to begin to feel like myself again...more confident, regaining a spirit of adventure, more relaxed with the kids, making future plans, and enjoying life more. My chest wasn't tight and filled with repressed anger and sadness all the time. I could see beyond today's problems and into hopes and dreams for the future. I had more physical energy and very few aches and pains.

We have been back together for 11 years and life is not good. I feel like exploding most of the time and my body, especially my legs, are filled with a lot of pain.  No more hopes and dreams...most times I try to plan a vacation or activity, he "forgets" to get the time off from work or plans something else. This is with asking him if he would like to do this thing with the family and him responding "yes". This is with many verbal and written reminders of the forthcoming event. I am left taking long vacations with the kids by myself. I am left attending family reunions without him. I am left trying to complete projects around the house when we have asked others to come help us with something like... put up an arbor. The arbor project was this last weekend and something that he had agreed on during the previous week. I am left to explain why he is not there and to do it by myself.  I know that I have a choice when left to do these things on my own and could choose to not do them. At least in choosing to do them, I have a good feeling of accomplishment and fun times with others. I surely do miss having a partner in life, one I can depend on and share my life with.  The best description I have of what my husband is, is a fairly bad room mate...one that does not share in household responsibilies, that is gone ( emotionally and physically) when needed and who is grumpy and downright nasty at times.

He was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago and tried 5-6 different meds without much success. The Adderall worked well but made him grind his teeth so much that it was painful and not good. Nothing else worked at all. We have an appointment tomorrow to start work with a new Psychiatrist and hopefully get him started on trying some new meds. I will not stay with him any longer if he is not medicated. All the therapy in the world ( and we have tried most of it) will not keep me here if he doesn't get on some meds to make him an empathetic person at times and one with whom I can have a rational, responsible relationship some of the time. 

I know that I have done things wrong in this marriage, too. I have allowed him to manipulate me with his anger.  I have taken over the role of mother to him. I do not like who I am when I am with him...a person full of repressed anger and very little joy for life. In my effort to not yell and scream at his ADD behaviors I have repressed not only my anger, but my other emotions as well. As I respond to others in the family, I find that there is not much enthusiasm on my part to do things or be as involved as I'd like to be. I'm worn out from dealing with him. I look forward to when he is gone playing music with his band...life is peaceful and things make sense with real responses to situations and life. I feel crazy when he's around and I'm dealing with the ADD perspective of life. I have spent years trying to figure out what I could do to make this marriage work. Now, I would mostly like to just get out of this relationship and cut my losses. I will continue trying for the sake of the family and put my effort into this new Psych. and hopefully new meds. Only, though, if my husband gets a clear enough head to see what his ADD is doing and takes the responsibility to become the person that he truly is. That person can be so tender, loving and fun......someone that I see so rarely these days.

Hi, Melissa,

There are some other feelings that I have about being married to a man with ADHD.  I feel cheated out of a life that I was supposed to have.  Every day is a constant struggle of being a wife, parent, and a parent to my husband.  It is frustrating having to constantly take responsibility for your spouse.  Isn't the man supposed to take care of the woman?  I didn't sign up for a parent-child marriage, but that is what I got.  Since he is now taking Concerta as well as Wellbutrin, things have gotten a little better.  I guess the best way to sum up my feelings is "lonely" and "overwhelmed".  Believe me, it takes a lot of patience, perserverance, and faith to stay in a marriage where you have doubt, lack of trust, and insecurity.  Hope this is helpful to you.

God bless...........Clover1

Feelings of the non-ADD spouse:

I am writing this knowing that my husband has ADD, and only beginning to grasp that this vastly affects every aspect of our social and emotional life together. I believe this has everything to do with where we are now in our relationship, a complete breakdown in communication or empathy for the other person.  The effect on me is that I feel completely alone in the relationship, desperately trying to talk about what things have happened that contributed to me feeling so distant, so unsupported and so lonely. My husband experiences this as hammering away at what he did wrong or only talking about what is wrong with him. He would much rather just move on and not talk about it because it happened yesterday. In reality we then just move on and create more distance between us, more misunderstandings and with no foundation to solve the same problems that arise in the future. 

I am feeling like this is hopeless. Just when I need him the most, I am at my most vulnerable and need the most support, he is in his own world, not connected to mine and I am the most alone. I feel angry and hurt and disconnected. This is even more highlighted when there is a major social emotional change going on. If I try to bring it up and analyze it, he explodes because I have already talked about it in the past. This makes me feel crazy and emotionally blocked and stuck. I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. My need to talk is blocked by his need to ignore it. How can one move on if issues are never resolved? Is that the plight of the ADD relationship, issues are never resolved, things never change and the non-ADD spouse just has to move on alone, unhappy, unconnected, unsupported, distant, and forever frustrated?

Seems like a no win situation.

I was 21 when I met the man suffering from ADHD who is about to become my ex-husband. I've been riding this rollercoaster for 10 years to the month.

When he and I fell in love, we both marvelled that we'd found each other, our soul mates. We shared the same values, our personalities clicked as if we'd always known each other, there was an intense chemistry that I've never known before or since - it really was love at first sight - and the more we knew each other, the more perfect it became: he was raised abroad and his family were all overseas, while my career in international development would take me abroad often. I couldn't have children and he didn't need any. We were both comfortable with an unconventional lifestyle and we were happy with the idea of making each other our home as we traveled the globe.  Although his life was a mess when I met him because he had overstayed his student visa and had become an "illegal," we took a chance and married thinking things would be much more normal once the instability in his life and the stress impacting his behavior were minimized with the regularization of his legal status.

But over time it became clear to me that his topsy-turvy life had to be due to more than his legal status.  Through my determined efforts to understand his typical ADHD behavior I was able to put the puzzle pieces together myself, but he would vascillate between accepting the diagnosis and denying it.  Six years after being professionally diagnosed, he still insists on believing it's a character flaw and not ADHD that makes him how he is, creating a cycle of self-hatred that pushes him toward destructive behaviors (substance abuse, cheating, lying, verbal/physical aggression, repeated job conflicts/loss, cheating, legal infractions). He resents my efforts to heal our relationship by trying to confront the ADHD situation. His favorite expression has become "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"... he even has it plastered on his Facebook page.  So I'm divorcing him now, and of course whenever our relationship has reached a crisis point in the past he's been there to talk me back into staying with empty promises and lots of tears and declarations of love so he's doing that again.  But ten years is enough.

I'm still young, but I'm a realist too.  Losing this relationship is losing all the dreams that came with it.  It's not going to be easy finding someone like him again, someone who felt like a soul mate, who didn't need kids, who was ready to follow his wife around the world (!). If I get lucky enough to find someone like that again, it will be hard to trust and love as freely as I did with this man because the abuse, the lies, the cheating, the back-and-forth, the empty promises and the years of wasted love and support have drained me so much.  Now I have to pick up the shreds of my self-esteem and dignity.  Those who know me think that I exercised poor judgment by believing in him and working with him to accommodate or overcome his ADHD behaviors, which they simply see as immaturity at best and abusiveness at worst.  I know he needs a counselor and meds, and I kept trying to get him to accept that, but as he says, "You can lead a horse to water..."