Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
Posted September 7th, 2007 by MelissaOrlov
We would like to introduce those of you who don't yet know her to Sari Solden, M.S., L.M.F.T. She is a therapist and author who focuses on adults with ADHD and particularly women with ADHD. Her book, "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder" provides insight into the special challenges that women with ADHD face.
Sari has agreed to be a guest author on this blog and we look forward to hearing her thoughts about how ADHD affects marriage and particularly how women with ADHD can improve their lives and marriages.
And while I'm thinking about ADHD, relationships, and women...
I had an interesting post from what I think is a lesbian couple that reminded me that there are definitely gender politics in action when talking about household chores. Women with ADHD who have trouble managing the organizational tasks of the home can feel great guilt and shame about this. Conversely, expectations about "what a man is supposed to do around the house" can have equally disasterous effects. It's all too easy to get mad/frustrated if you grew up thinking the man of the house should be mowing the lawn and he just doesn't have any interest in it at all. Each time you pull out that mower your resentment can grow...
The lesbian couple felt it was a bit easier for them to focus on what were the ADHD issues in their relationship, since they had fewer ingrained gender expectations. Their approach was to split things up by areas of strength and weakness, without regard to pre-set expectations.
How about thinking about the gender expectations in your own marriage, and sharing some of your own ideas with us? Send in your comments, thoughts, etc. (soon I'll put up a message board that people can use to talk to each other....)
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re: Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
Hi,
As an ADHD coach and the spouse of an ADHDer I know how difficult the idea of gender roles can be. When my ADHD husband picked up a saw and hammer because that's what was expected of him as a man, we had to deal with a disastrous and costly lesson (He ended up cutting the electrical, cable and phone lines while cutting through a wall he was trying to remove).
After that, I never asked him to do any "repairs" around the house. I'm actually much better at it than he is and everyone around us gets a kick out of my love and abilities around major renovations and repairs and his amazing ability to cook up a storm or to plan a super-romantic evening for us (he's the romantic in the family).
When we decided to use our strengths we realised that both of us were happier, and our lives have been amazing ever since. It can be quite liberating to let go of those gender roles and to just do what you're really good at or interested in.
Warmly,
Linda Walker
ADHD Coach
Montreal (Québec) Canada
re: Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
How does ADHD seem to effect low sex drive? I am so not interested and exhausted by the end of the day when my meds have worn off? Any advice or is there any correlation with ADHD?