Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

One of our readers commented on his experiences with vastly improving memory since his diagnosis of ADD, so I went to Dr. Hallowell to ask him – does ADD affect memory?  His response was typical Hallowell in the very best sense:
 

It is common that people diagnosed with ADHD as adults go through a period right after diagnosis in which they seem to make progress, then get into the doldrums.  Adults are different than kids.  With kids, the natural forward momentum of their development help keep progress with ADHD treatment headed in a positive direction.  With adults it’s just the opposite.

Note:  This entry includes ideas for conversation-starting exercises to improve your understanding of yourself and your spouse.

Medications sure can help your relationship – as can non-medicinal treatments!  But the spouse with the ADHD may not realize it – that’s where you need to give him (or her) some constructive feedback.  This comment is typical of what happens:

“After 10 years of "hinting" that my husband may have symptoms of ADD he went to a doctor who felt that he indeed did struggle with ADD. He was given a script for Wellbutrin.  Difficult for the first few weeks.  Then things seemed to fall into place. I noticed a change. He would remember things I had asked him to do. He actually did them to completion. He was calmer than he had ever been. Then without warning last month he decided to stop his meds...

“My partner shows all the signs of ADHD, yet when he saw a therapist who referred him to a psychiatrist he was "diagnosed" with depression and anxiety and given medication. This has helped a bit with his anger but the medication hasn't helped his disorganization, forgetfulness or lack of ability to follow through. He still gets very angry and can "shut down" if he feels slighted, misconstrues someone's comment or if the neighbors make any sort of loud noise! We are in marriage counseling but have not been helped much. We have recently started seeing a new counselor and I hope this will make the difference. The last therapist rebuked me for bringing up the idea of ADD. And my partner laughs at me too.Do you have any suggestions how to handle this? I would like things to be better.”Very frequently, depression and anxiety are “co-existing conditions” with ADHD, though the fact that your partner is depressed and anxious does not indicate the presence of ADD.  He may have it, he may not.

To those struggling in a marriage that may be affected by ADHD, this may sound counterintuitive:  Determining whether or not a spouse has ADHD is a very good thing.  In fact, there is no negative side at all.  I broach this subject because a number of people have written comments suggesting that they believe that their spouse has ADHD, yet he is resisting getting a diagnosis (I use “he” here for simplicity – it could just as easily be “she”.)

There are at least two reasons your spouse might resist finding out about his ADHD.