Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

I had a quick lesson yesterday in just how easy it is to fall back into old patterns when you are working to overcome anger and resentment.  But my day was also a reminder about what it takes to keep those emotions under control, so I thought I would share it with you.

When I got married, I think I misread the marriage license.  I could swear that in the small type on that document I saw the words “this license lets you control your husband’s life from now on!”  I must have needed glasses because boy, was I wrong!  But (and I say this affectionately) how many other women do you know who made the same mistake?!

One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes.  This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Before the couple gets help, what usually develops is a process of mutual blame.  The minute a conflict arises, each member of the couple hunkers down in a self-protective, defensive posture that says, “It’s your fault, not mine.”  Soon the phrase gets added, “Why bother even trying?  This situation is hopeless.”  Each member of the couple feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood, angry, and at a loss for what to do next other than separate or simply muddle miserably on.