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by: PerezosoPrimero -
First, you’re in good company. Exact same behaviors and my emotional response varies from anger to grief to dismay and despair, loneliness, confusion of course disappointment and then hope again. In my wife’s case, I encounter the perfectionism/hyper-focus death loop, and a set of profoundly immature coping mechanisms courtesy a dysfunctional family and upbringing. It is tough. Second, I am very fortunate that my wife is an awesome human struggling against this disorder with very clear insight. ...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: Swedish coast -
Having now experienced how tough the time after splitting has been, I wonder if the marriage was allowed to drag on too long. I loved my ex and wanted to give the marriage all I could, but it would probably have been better for my health not to. In or out of the relationship, we’ll still need to face all the coming days. Like Melody said, life can still be hard. I had an awakening soon before divorce, speaking to a neighbor who had emergencies in her family. One of the children’s...>>> on Forum topic - Neurospicy house
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by: Swedish coast -
Trauma caught up with me after we moved apart. I used to think he couldn’t hurt me. He always seemed like the weak one in our arguments. He’d be angry and shouting but what he said lacked logic and argumentation was weak to say the least. Then when I was out, I discovered I had a sizable trauma. I’d been using reason as a way to steady and calm myself - he was obviously wrong, so I could feel secure in my logic. After, the lack of logic and consistency could no longer be dismissed. It was no...>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: Joining4858 -
Thank you. Yeah I'm going to have to be more cautious.>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: Joining4858 -
Thank you. Yeah, it's so mind blowing that she'll be fuming mad/upset at me in one moment, but then be cheerful the next day. I'm left thinking, "What happened!?">>> on Forum topic - How to support when ADHD partner is overloaded?
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by: Joining4858 -
I've had probably 4 different arguments with my ADHD spouse in the recent weeks. All of them consisted of expressing frustration in the marriage on my part and her part. I have been evaluating and thinking about my relationship. I realized that is rational to want to leave the relationship because of unwitting abuse. As well, the flip-flops of mood and energy is like getting an emotional whiplash. So I told my partner that I think there are grounds for separation. My partner got...>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: 1Melody1 -
Splitting was my only solve too. Much like honestly, things improved for ALL of us after the split. Being a single mom is hard, but easier than managing the daily ADHD extras of someone else's uncontrolled messes, moods and lack of accountability on top of already doing everything else. My ex was happier living life on his terms with limited responsibilities too. Our daughter was happier because his ADHD behaviour affected her almost as much as it did me and two happy separated parents served her...>>> on Forum topic - Neurospicy house
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's so great that you're such a supportive partner. I think your instinct to let her handle her own problems is right though. We can't really solve for their fluctuations anyway and when we can, we can become their crutch for getting through things that they need to build their own skills to manage. Medication and coaching might help her feel more even and learn how to manage the ups and downs more effectively. But again - that's something you can only suggest and she has to embrace. In my...>>> on Forum topic - How to support when ADHD partner is overloaded?
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by: honestly -
It wasn’t the content of the article I meant, really - I think it’s obvious and annoying tbh. And when my ex shared it with me as a revellation I could have easily exploded with fury right there on the spot. What it was, was the way it seemed to make sense to my ex, because a man said it on the internet. His wife saying it in person - zero impact. I agree with you - this way of figuring men is a damaging cliche. Awful partners come in all genders.>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: WildBill2500 -
Thank you for the article, but I stopped reading when it claims that men behave like children. This is a pet peeve of mine. My father was useless when it came to anything other than his business (which also ultimately failed like his marriage). I have been driven my entire life to be as self-sufficient as possible, being a latchkey kid in the late early 90s reinforced it. I have always been involved in the household work and parenting my son. I am an actual responsible man - we exist! Shocking huh...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: ForumModerator -
I think it is a great idea. So I will help make that request on behalf of you and everyone who likes to have this feature. Thank you for helping us make the site an even better community. Best, Alice Moderator, coach and consulting @ ADHD&Marriage>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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by: sickandtired -
I came to you in good faith. If you don’t see it that way, that’s your problem. If I say I feel insulted by your words, but you say it’s not an insult because you believe your criticisms to be true, do you realize you have just dismissed my feelings? Do you defend yourself like this when your wife confronts you with your behavior???Let me tell you something about interacting with people… if someone says they feel insulted by your words, believe them. You can’t just negate their feelings to defend...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
…and show them this thread. You are splitting hairs trying to win this argument, rather than perhaps learn something about yourself. You have called me a liar and a gaslighter who has “poor reading comprehension”. You said you are only “considering” having sex outside the marriage. If you told your wife that (in your words) how do you think she would react? Do you think she would be ok if you are only “considering it” as opposed to planning it? You are sending her all kinds of negative messages you...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink... shared this with me last year. After years of him putting glasses in old greasy dishwater in the sink at night, so they could ‘soak’, despite not needing to, and the glasses actually being thrifted vintage glasses that I loved, and me asking him again and again not to, because I then had to fish them out of greasy cold water before I could do anything else in kitchen in the morning, and it was messy and gross...>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
You don't know anything about my wife's point of view. You presume you do. I talk to my wife. We've discussed many of these issues without there being anything like the conflict between you and I because we've done work to try and avoid making assumptions about one another as best we can. I don't like what you have to say because it's inaccurate and it doesn't take into account the realities of the situation. Further, I haven't insulted you. I've accused you of things that I believe to be...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
Everything I said was in good faith. Just because you disagree does not change my motivation for trying to help you. Good for the other poster. He said he’s an adhd guy in the same boat as you. Of course you can relate to him! I am coming from your wife’s point of view, and you just don’t like what I have to say. All of your behaviors, including the personal insults and accusations you wrote here today, are YOUR choices, and YOUR responsibility.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Thanks for the thorough response. I appreciate what you've said, and I definitely am feeling like perhaps we've both been missing trying to build the connection between us instead of trying to mitigate ADHD symptoms, which is important but not the entirety of the work of repairing. It definitely seems like there are some people here who just want to heap blame on the ADHD spouse and turn them into a villain. I'm dealing with that right now with another user.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Read StayHopeful's response if you want an example of a reply in good faith. Vehemently defending oneself against malicious mischaracterization is not "playing the victim.">>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I am/have: 1. Treating my symptoms with medication 2. Treating my symptoms with individual therapy 3. Making tangible improvements in day-to-day reliability and trustworthiness that have been acknowledged by my spouse, my individual therapist, and our couples therapist 4. I have acknowledged in couples therapy and individual conversations with my wife that my past actions have caused hurt. I have not denied that I did those things or that I want to treat my symptoms better so as to...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: sickandtired -
Everything I said was in good faith! Quit playing like a victim.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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