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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I'm not sure how telling someone "it may be beyond what you can do" and that they "aren't capable" of empathizing with their partner could be considered "wishing" them "the best.">>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: Swedish coast -
I didn’t mean to be hurtful. I know just how painful this can be for both parties. Not being able to embrace the other’s reality goes both ways, I think, and is in a way natural when perception differs a lot between partners. I mainly meant perhaps it’s not doable. No blame intended. Wishing you all the best.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I don't think my own feeling unloved and unwanted is the sole problem, and I also don't think I'm "not capable" of understanding or embracing her reality. I'm treating my ADHD with medication and individual therapy in addition to participating as fully as I can in couples therapy. I'm working every day to mitigate my symptoms and improve my reliability and trustworthiness as a partner. Frankly, how dare you make an assumption about what I'm "not capable" of doing? Further, having read "The...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
Thanks for the thorough response. I think you might be right that I'm confusing working on becoming more reliable and trustworthy as a partner and parent when it comes to the logistics of housekeeping, schedule managing, and overall emotional labor with what might be needed to restore affection and intimacy. I think part of that is due to how big a role those complains were in our early therapy. I'll add that I haven't tried to initiate intimacy at any point in the last year because I've not...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
I think you may have identified the one thing that will help. My kids are also neurodiverse tho ndx, (q. autism, inattentive adhd) and my dog is a nervous rescue who barks her head off when stressed. We split. Things are so much easier. For me and for the kids. And, for that matter, the dog.>>> on Forum topic - Neurospicy house
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by: Swedish coast -
To solve this, you’ll need to embrace her reality fully. To me it sounds you’re not capable of that. It doesn’t surprise me. Neither did my ADD ex. He was preoccupied with feeling unloved and unwanted. He thought that was the problem, rather than that I was suffering and exhausted after years of his untreated ADD. We are now divorced.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
you did ask what you can do. And we don’t know your wife, so it’s hard to say what will help her specifically, but there are so may repeated patterns across ADHD marriages so I’m going to give a few suggestions re what might have helped me and staved off our split. Accept that it will take time. It took time for things to get this bad; it will take time for them to get better. Listen to her. Initiate opportunities for her to express her distress over the past and explore that with her. Don...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
Have you perhaps conflated your partner’s needs with your shared responsibilities? My ex thought that in doing stuff that contributed to the household’s running, he was doing stuff for me. He was never able to see that I had needs separate from my need for him to contribute, as a fellow parent, adult and wage earner, to a shared responsibility.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: honestly -
I get why you feel angry - you’re doing the work, it should fix the problem. Me and my ex were in this state before we split. He had been diagnosed about a year, he was taking the meds, taking on some more chores. Trouble was, I felt so emotionally battered and exhausted by the previous years, so let down and lonely that it was impossible to reconnect with him - especially as he wanted rewards and praise for stepping up and doing the bare minimum (not being angry at me for no reason, some cooking and...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure what more I can do to "make her feel good" other than treating my ADHD and trying each day to improve my trustworthiness and reliability with respect to being a partner, parenting, and managing the house, and she's said explicitly that these things "don't do anything" actually address the hurt. So what am I supposed to do? I've stifled my anger, and we've essentially bracketed talking about sex and intimacy at all knowing that it can be a trigger...>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: Swedish coast -
You can’t expect her to reward you with sex for not hurting her as much anymore. You need to make her feel good - relaxed, interested, happy - for her to want intimacy with you.>>> on Forum topic - Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
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by: Swedish coast -
The ADHD person seems to often overlook their part of relationship dynamics entirely. Your standards will always be too high - meaning impossible and insulting to them. How you overwork to compensate for their dysfunction may make them feel ashamed, however since shame is something they need to avoid at all costs, they may make an alternative narrative that makes it go away. The ADHD in itself and it’s importance may be denied. They in short want to view the world from their viewpoint and...>>> on Forum topic - This is hard
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by: jennalemone -
"....I feel bound to him by a thousand imperceptible threads of loyalty and intimacy. He was the love of my life, ally and closest friend." This is exactly where I had been. Swedish, you said it so eloquently. Also, in a previous post, Swedish, you mentioned your dh would say, "I'm workin' on it." I heard that phrase a thousand times. He would say it in an angry voice, like I was a his task master while I was just asking a natural question between two partners. Conversation over.>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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by: honestly -
an on off kind of thing. Admittedly when things were at their worst, and I needed to get my head together. My now ex once told me, my diary reminds me, that he dreaded our son getting together with someone like me. Someone like me who supported her partner through multiple health crises and work crises and paid the bills and put food on the table for a decade. Who he ignored and blamed and forgot and prioritised others over time and time again. Someone like me who’s supported this same...>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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by: dedelight4 -
Dear C, Thank you for the wonderful reply and I'm so thrilled to hear you're in a new life now. I was intrigued with how your ex responded to you about the mess and how she created that. Very interesting, but she didn't go any further than that. That does seem typical in many respects. Some folks just can't reveal themselves even though EVERYONE else can see who and what they are about. And, they don't understand (orbdon't want to) that BY revealing parts of themselves, they would aid in their own...>>> on Forum topic - Protecting Myself
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by: dedelight4 -
I am so blown away by this post, I'm still trying to pick my jaw bone up off the floor. Every sentence you wrote is what I lived, live and could have shared, but you did first. Wow. Indeed. We have been married 43 years now, and hubby just retired. We didn't know about Adhd until after 20 some years of marriage, and the diagnosis was a saving grace. I have a physical disability that now has me unable to do as much as I used to do. I can only do a fraction of the work I did daily. That too,...>>> on Forum topic - Protecting Myself
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by: c ur self -
Over the top chaos...So sorry, that doesn't sound very restful or peaceful...You know Dede, (it's clearer to me now, how I allowed my own fear to cause needless suffering for myself a lot of the time) Men and women who have spouses who demand (going to do it if their alive) to live this highly intrusive life like your talking about (clutter, unfinished projects, disorder, etc...) must meet the same stone wall attitude from their spouse's, who lives opposite!...We do not have to be angry, or spiteful,...>>> on Forum topic - Protecting Myself
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by: Swedish coast -
Jekyll and Hyde is the perfect allegory. I’m so glad you’re here and make me and my confusion and pain seem logical. Thank you Off the Roller and Honestly.>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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by: honestly -
I could do with a ‘like’ button on this forum!>>> on Forum topic - He blames me
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by: J -
which doesn't make me an expert on dementia by any means. Having ADHD, I do have concerns ( for myself ) and my sisters because it can run in the family. As I read your post adhd32, I thought about the exact thing you brought up: ADHD symptoms themselves can look like dementia even when it's not the case. So how can you know? I don't think another person can know, but I can run through my own thoughts about this as I do have this topic in the back of my mind. Here's what I believe is true...>>> on Forum topic - Aging with ADHD
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