Recent Comments

  • by: dvance - 2 hours 50 min ago
    Oh dear.  My DH is actually really good at doing chores, but every once in a while something odd remains undone, like he will unload the dishwasher but not put away like two coffee mugs.  Why?  Who knows?  Ditto loading--he will often load the entire thing but leave like one random plate and a glass in the sink.  Why?  I will say, however, compared to what I hear on this post, I am just grateful for all he does do.  In my house we say "don't make work Mom"--sort of like an earlier poster who said "leave no...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: JJamieson - 9 hours 12 min ago
    When I read what you just wrote and got to the part about black and white, wrong or right thinking on the part of your husband the sirens started going off in my ears.  This is a major problem I have with my wife and I have been doing a lot of research on this phenomenon in order to help me understand her. I am not like this and share your opinion about this topic.  For what it's worth, from what I've read recently....you are the healthy one in your way of seeing things and it's definitely not WRONG to NOT...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 10 hours 57 min ago
    Go ahead walk away it's what you always do… I've heard those words more than once. I'm walking when I really want to run. Now it's just simpler to say less instead of expend any energy. Most of the things my husband promises or wants, like a house or perhaps starting a huge project, I just agree with or not of my head but we all know the end result. 
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 11 hours 16 min ago
    NGLM, "...try to accommodate their husband as much as they can without losing themselves or having their children  disrespected or losing their self-respect"  That sentence describes another area of concern I had:  trying to keep the tail from wagging the dog.  While our children were growing up, I was not able to find that line of distinction to bring peace to our home.   Rather than being able to just simple state my opinion, I spent a lot of time trying to get my spouse to understand and acknowledge....
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 12 hours 42 min ago
    Beautifully stated and I agree with you. Someone posted on one of these threads that they will try to accommodate their husband as much as they can without losing themselves or having their children  disrespected or losing their self-respect. Nobody really knows what we go through unless they walk in our shoes and if venting is the only way to keep our sanity then good  friends will listen and understand that there are not many solutions unless  the  affected person can follow through. All we can do is be...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 12 hours 54 min ago
    NGLM, I am continually separating myself from all the cheerleading I did for many years.  Thus, came part of my ID here of "I'm So Exhausted."  I simply canot be the only source of encouragement he receives.  He needs to look inside and figure out what makes him tick.  And tock!!!! It is indeed precarious in finding the balance between giving him what he needs in the way of acknowledgement, and getting what I need from him.  I need to remind myself -  often, often, often -  that how I choose to be seen...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 13 hours 31 min ago
    I know it! He just called me minutes ago to tell me that although he forgot to take our (putrified) garbage to the curb, the trash guy did pick up HIS bulk trash. I keep telling him to do it the night before. Then he tells me that he got $85 back on our new fridge for getting a holiday price adjustment and I commended him but I guess he wanted back flips and a cookie so he starts cheering and giving himself accolades and when he heard nothing but silence on the other line he stopped and said he did that...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 13 hours 44 min ago
    NGLM, I have been looking at my spouse with a different set of eyes in the recent months.  This sorta stuff gives me insight into exactly what is going on in his thinking - how his brain organizes stuff.   The tough part for me has been the boundary between his way of doing things and our lives together.  My spouse's walls of structure have been built up over 50+ years when he didn't know he was ADHD.  Now that he does understand, it is one of the many parameters of dealing with life issues.  Is this...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: JJamieson - 13 hours 54 min ago
    I could write a really lengthy response with all the examples of this I have lived with at various times with different people only to say that I have a good feeling of why people do this.  I think for different people it really is for different reasons but it all boils down to a need to control others.  It's not from the need to have someone else do these miniscule tasks for them.  It really is ridiculous if you think about it.   What you said is exactly to the point..." And if it's such a "simple" task...
    >>> on Forum topic - He Gets Mad at ME For Not Doing "Simple" Things - WTF?!?!

  • by: highestgood - 14 hours 6 min ago
    Respect, yes that is it for me also. "Leave no trace." Finish what you started. My husband leaves cabinets open, projects on the table. He does try. It gets better for a bit then he forgets again. He forgets more often if I've gotten upset with him for something. No surprise there. It feels like disrespect, even though sometimes it is the ADD. Not all the time. I know he does it on purpose when he's mad at me. But the rest of the time I think these lapses are actually the symptoms. It's still annoying...
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: JJamieson - 14 hours 10 min ago
    *
    >>> on Forum topic - He Gets Mad at ME For Not Doing "Simple" Things - WTF?!?!

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 14 hours 52 min ago
    OMG! You too??? He collects so many business cards being a DJ and never calls these people and then the endless journals and notebooks with a few pages written in EACH of them and not in order either, sometimes he writes stuff in the middle pages only. He hoards paper and just about anything. He always leaves the closet door open with the light on too. 
    >>> on Forum topic - What is it with leaving drawers and cabinets open??!!!

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 15 hours 12 min ago
    I was young. He was 5 years older. I always wanted to be a wife and had so much love to give. We dated for 1.5 years and the whole time he was so mushy and attached to me. He wrote me poetry and songs, called me daily and gave me sweet gifts. He wrote me every week (we lived 3 hrs away) and was completely head over heels for me and I reciprocated. 25 years later, I am fortunate to get a phone call and it's probably to get the phone number from our mechanic, but he says that is a good excuse to call me. I...
    >>> on Forum topic - Why did you marry X when now, you're so unhappy with X?

  • by: highestgood - 17 hours 1 min ago
    He was kind and charming, and made me feel safe when no one has ever been able to. I was always independent and aloof in relationships, and he showed a strong effort to get me to open my heart. He made me become emotionally available. And I have some pretty high expectations of someone if they can manage to do that. 
    >>> on Forum topic - Why did you marry X when now, you're so unhappy with X?

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 18 hours 18 min ago
    This is not a dumb question. I think all of us non-ADHD spouses/partners go over this question every time we start to pity our lot in life. However, for me, it took 25 years (and still in process) to realize that I was fabulous before I met my husband and still am and I am strong for still being here to tell about it! My therapist said I have to be an independent married person, not disrespecting him, but still walking my own path of improvement and things that I want to accomplish in life since he is...
    >>> on Forum topic - At what point do we begin to FEEL better?

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 6 hours ago
    ;)
    >>> on Forum topic - At what point do we begin to FEEL better?

  • by: coco8712 - 1 day 7 hours ago
    make yourself a priority stop tending to the ADHDer . slowly but surely start doing things you never done take classes or go for a walk ,start taking care of your self mentally and physically you are important !!! the world needs more of you :) your a amazing strong person try to let the past go it will make you feel miserable . practice new things be good to yourself you deserve it remember that !!!! best of luck
    >>> on Forum topic - At what point do we begin to FEEL better?

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 13 hours ago
    I know you are posing the question to the non-ADHD'ers but, I think the answer is the same for everyone.  Learn to let go and stop carrying around the past.   I've found that doing this always makes me feel better once I am finally able to put the past behind you for good. How?  Stop doing what ever you do that you that makes you feel poorly about yourself (goes against or betrays yourself what ever it is).  Once you start doing that it will be easier to forgive yourself and have more compassion for your...
    >>> on Forum topic - At what point do we begin to FEEL better?

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 16 hours ago
    I find that being impulsive is just more just getting ahead of myself (mentally) than anything else.  There is a delay is processing with having ADHD and the impulses can get ahead of your rational decision making process in the moment.  I've found that thinking about things ahead of time and making a game plan to work off of eliminates the need to make quick decisions in the moment which is where all these problems you are mentioning are coming from.  If you have to make a decision right then in the...
    >>> on Forum topic - Poor decision making. Please help.

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 17 hours ago
    .It's really great that you are going to therapy and doing this for yourself.  I remember just being so fed up with these issues in my life that were causing me problems that I wanted to get to he bottom and just understand what was wrong in the first place?  Finding out about my ADHD and getting explanations for my behaviors (for me) was such a relief at first.  I had built these things up to be so much worse than they really are that this was my initial reaction.  But the real work is doing the things...
    >>> on Forum topic - I asked him to leave

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