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by: J -
I'm now convinced, I was a Border Collie in a past life after owning now ( having the experience ) as well as observing how he behaves. At 4 months old, here's my conclusion of a Border Collie puppy: They get bored quickly ( short attention span ) and need some kind of stimulation once they get bored: specifically...they need a job or some kind of activity to focus their mind on. I share that "itch that needs to be scratched or I'll jump right out of my skin" feeling so I...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: 1Melody1 -
Kudos to your husband for putting things in motion to get help. Beyond that, I might suggest: -Scheduling a recurring date night where you can just focus on each other - weekly, bi-weekly or monthly - whatever you can swing given you have kids. You can alternate choosing what to do so he can look forward to it. -We had a "no tech at the table" rule in our house so dinner time was family time, no distractions. I think that could extend to other things - like if you watch an hour of tv...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: J -
Probably my biggest issue growing up. It's still something I have to watch ( it doesn't go away ) and be aware of. It sounds to me, this is one that has not been addressed or dealt with with your siblings from my point of view. I think, whether I want to admit it or not, I was more concerned with getting into trouble ( the punishment ) of screwing up. Learning from mistakes ( or making mistakes ) was less about me being effected by failure as I had success at the end of learning that way. I was...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Swedish coast -
You asked why my sibling didn’t conform to societal expectations. I think they were under the same parental pressure that I was (excel academically, make us proud, make money and keep our lifestyle, have children!) but it never made sense to them. They weren’t interested enough to get the skills, and they didn’t like the pretense. They’re also unable to sit at a dinner table for an entire meal, or listen to more than a couple syllables of the answer of a question. They change...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: J -
In the last comunication I had with middle sister who hadn't returned my message from 12 days earlier.... I realize this is a commonly used expression, and there's usually nothing to it. But when you've heard you're mother say this possibly hundreds of times, it becomes something different when you hear it coming from ypur sister long after your mother has passed: "I can't believe you're on this adventure." For nothing else, it might be a freudian slip or she just picked it up from...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: J -
I have so much to say here, I'm trying to condence so as, not to write an entire book. Just from what I've heard you say about you're siblings including what you just mentioned: "who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions." I think this a good place to take a closer look. I'm going to...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Chervil -
Hi honestly. Yes, some of my in-laws are similar. Part of it is cultural. My wife is an immigrant who came here at a young age, and I have learned through being with her and how she explains things that they keep things close to their chests. The idea being not to burden others with your personal baggage. They are a very loving and supportive family otherwise, and I like them all very much. My sisters-in-law can be quite comforting and empathetic. I believe that my MIL and BIL both had ADHD as well. I...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Swedish coast -
For us, things didn’t end well, because my ex didn’t understand the impact of his ADD on me (he’s a licensed professional in the field and has studied this though, he claims). But the things that seemed to help during the process were: diagnosis (ideally before spouse burnout) medication and therapy, all that could be had digital reminders for him support for me from outside the nuclear family, specifically friends with...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: RATTZ7 -
"For example, instead of saying, “You’re so irresponsible for forgetting this again,” or, “I’m so frustrated this isn’t getting any better” a partner might say, “I see how difficult this is for you, and how hard you are trying. Let’s figure out a system that works better for both of us.” This approach shifts the focus from blaming and shaming to support and collaboration." This seems to perpetuate the Parent-Child Dynamic. By asking the non-ADHD partner to forego expressing emotions to "protect...>>> on Blog post - Understanding ADHD and Shame
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by: Swedish coast -
I can’t help thinking your excellent health is because you’re in your element, J. My ADHD sibling who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions. There’s an honesty about it that I really respect. I’m sorry my sibling has felt troubled by their undiagnosed condition all their life. But...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Chervil -
Hello again Swedish coast! I see this from inside the relationship that is in shambles, but that I (maybe we?) are working on. I have said to her that I envy her ability to get lost in the moment and lose track of time. Maybe that was invalidating to her, but it is my truth, as I am always "on". I am a task monster, and my depression and anxiety hits when I stop moving. Maybe that made us a natural fit for most of the relationship. Sometimes these dynamics work well, until they don't. I am the big...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Chervil -
I am the same age, and have also been with my wife for nearly 20 years. She was diagnosed with severe ADHD only a few years ago. I only hope that she can take the steps that you have taken before I cannot take it anymore and leave. Our children are 3 and 4, and they both have behavioral problems. I believe this is largely due to the poor quality of our relationship. For the past few years it's as though she does not even want me around except to yell at me or take the children off of her hands. She...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: Swedish coast -
Ouch, I can very much relate to the slow erosion of community when in a troubled ADHD marriage. I felt increasingly cut off from every social setting for years, for lack of understanding. Nobody gets you when you’re with a depressed, anxious severe ADHD partner, and you can’t function socially like everyone else. Finally I was alone with the facts of the marriage, except for my family of origin. They basically invalidated the experience and normalized my lonely desperate existence. ...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: pathc -
I feel like I’ve just read a day in my life!! Have you found any solutions because I am so fed up I could pack up and leave right now!>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: 1Melody1 -
You and others here make me feel so much less alone. So few people, if any, in our in-person lives can understand what we've been through. I never could have predicted I'd still need this forum 5 years after ending my relationship.>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s hopeful to hear about you regaining abilities. Follow happy is probably an excellent strategy. Strangely, I often feel happy for unpredictable reasons. Perhaps that’s the key: to try things out a little randomly and then be pleasantly surprised. You comfort me, I feel we’re all going to get better.>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: 1Melody1 -
I agree that relaxation is hard to sink into now. I do have some time now for the first time in decades. With my daughter at school, now my workday might be 8-10 hours. After that I tend to make a super easy dinner (boil some fresh pasta, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with bagged salad) and flop down in my bed to eat it and watch something. I do struggle with feeling guilty for not being productive and I don't always fully enjoy it, but I can tell it's helping me because after a few hours,...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: J -
What I'm doing is not the norm, but then again, I'm not the norm either. I'll take it as a compliment instead, that you'd consider my route a viable one for yourself under different conditions. You never know what's going to happen in the future, having a road map of someone else who's found a way to make it work can only be a good thing when you find yourself with very few options. Personally, I find myself feeling less trapped when I know I have an alternative plan there waiting if needed....>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Chervil -
That is fair, and I apologize for the mischaracterization. "Not all who wander are lost". The contempt free lifestyle sounds so appealing. If it weren't for my children, I may have very well gone that route!>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: J -
Allowing people to be wrong is the most empowering thing I think I've done in recent memory. When you can truly do that, it requires no action on your part what so ever. So based on what I just said, the answer to your question is nothing. I think the advise already given is good as well. I'll only add to it... Many years ago, I met Billy Joel at a sound check before his concert with other people I worked with. When it was time to get to work ( him needing to get ready for his...>>> on Forum topic - What Can I Do About People Thinking I Am Mentally ill when I am not?
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