Recent Comments

  • by: Swedish coast - 1 day 7 hours ago
    My experience after many years with an ADD partner is that the important predictor of the future is ability. ADHD is an executive dysfunction. An ADHD partner can be brilliant, highly motivated and deeply committed, like mine. Still, if the ability to shape life isn't there, all those things have little effect on the end result. It's simple and it's something I wish I'd known. If they can't change things, they won't change things. There is nothing a partner can do about it. But you as non risk doing what...
    >>> on Forum topic - Need Advice from *BOTH* Sides! (ADHD & Non-ADHD Perspectives)

  • by: Swedish coast - 1 day 7 hours ago
    Please read below
    >>> on Forum topic - Need Advice from *BOTH* Sides! (ADHD & Non-ADHD Perspectives)

  • by: 1Melody1 - 1 day 10 hours ago
    If we could motivate our partners, more of us might still be married. I think you're exercising as much control as you have, unfortunately. ADHD is all about inertia, so no matter how much a lot of people with this condition "know" they "should" be doing certain things, even under perfect circumstances with optimal time, it's just too easy for them to choose easier routes or to do nothing (yes, even if health/self image/other people suffer). Continuing to remind and try to help comes from a loving place,...
    >>> on Forum topic - Need Advice from *BOTH* Sides! (ADHD & Non-ADHD Perspectives)

  • by: adhd32 - 1 day 13 hours ago
    Stop trying to light a fire under her.  She is an adult who can decide for herself.  She can let herself go, over burden her schedule, and stop doing chores.  You have to decide if you can accept it.  If you cannot, you have to figure out what comes next for YOU, not her.  You cannot change her, but it sounds as though she may be suffering from depression so you might want to encourage a mental health evaluation.  Beyond that, have a serious conversation with her and let her know that the change in her...
    >>> on Forum topic - Need Advice from *BOTH* Sides! (ADHD & Non-ADHD Perspectives)

  • by: Eighpryl_AB - 4 days 6 hours ago
    I'm sorry you can relate to this experience.  It's really hard to have so much difficulty within our marriages and have an unhealthy inlaw situation on top of it.  Either problem all by itself is a lot.  But both is too much.
    >>> on Forum topic - Boundaries (Update)

  • by: Eighpryl_AB - 4 days 7 hours ago
    It was a shock to me.  I think I've wrestled with the trauma enough this week to find the core issue.  We will be having a talk before  comes up again.  He doesn't have to choose between us, but there will be other non-negotiable boundaries. My husband allowed them to mistreat the kids and I bc he worked for them, and any time he challenged anything, they would threaten his job.  I was always the better person, and I have no regrets about my behavior, but when he finally allowed me to confront them about...
    >>> on Forum topic - Boundaries (Update)

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 9 hours ago
    I believe they do not have the capacity to operate in a normal family structure - the co-dependency and inability to handle stressful situations is a real thing . Infact I feel they resort to flight or freeze when faced with these.  I think staying  is really hard bcos it's highly likely the non- ADHD spouse will feel angry or resentful having to carry all the parenting and spousal burden except the ADHD partner is willing to make an effort .  My ex called the kids  and I a pressure pot, it was clear he...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: adhd32 - 4 days 9 hours ago
    This is the key whether you are leaving or staying.  It took me almost 7 years of being on this forum to internalize this.  We focus on the ADD spouse.  Why can't they just ...  The answer is they may not want to or they do not have the ability.  We want them to behave a certain way, our way, but maybe they are incapable.  Consider how unnatural it would feel to you to be expected to live in a way that it is contrary to your natural inclination.  The bottom line is you must accept they are who they are. ...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 21 hours ago
    My ex used to pack as bag and disappear for 3months when we had an argument . He did this 3x in 5yrs with no remorse or empathy or how I would cope with 2 young kids . They are always the victim and deliberately  will not hold themselves accountable . Pls don't consider this as a relationship or you would be dealing with emotional baggage.  You will meet someone who loves , respects , trusts and is able to relate with the needed emotional maturity that builds a relationship 
    >>> on Forum topic - Failed relationship, recent break up

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 21 hours ago
    Your statement is too apt- "ADHD people latch on to good feelings and accommodating  people that are able to cut them slack . Zero emotional maturity  My ex told the whole world I have bad energy and mafe demands on him physically and financially -very absurd as he didn't want to lift a finger in parenting or spousal tasks . Any push back from me is bad energy 
    >>> on Forum topic - Failed relationship, recent break up

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 22 hours ago
    They are men IN the house not men OF the house 
    >>> on Forum topic - On the brink of leaving him over a single incident.

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 22 hours ago
    I really emphatize  with you as this is a truly difficult situation . I think what you must realize and accept is family will always  be family . In as much as we married our spouses , there is that"blood is thicker than water ' adage  that will always  exists. My advice is to let go of any real or imagined expectation that your husband has chosen you especially over his family. He has not and will still fall back no matter the length of time or the promises made . Once  you are armed with this reality...
    >>> on Forum topic - Boundaries (Update)

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 23 hours ago
    Absolutely - Don't be unpleasant but don't give in to their emotional manipulation to be kind or caring . Be civil. It's easier for me because I am a sole car giver so no physical interaction as my ex moved to another county . If your kids are old enough let them understanding how you feel and how the past relationship has impacted on you without any bile or bitterness so you can manage their expectation as regards your relationship with their dad. Their happiness is paramount but also not at the expense...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 23 hours ago
    So relatable - the endless kindness, the generosity , love and all the work invested were meaningless. My ex abandoned the kids and I and held on to "lack of enough sex" as his reason. Nothing else counted for anything not the financial assistance I rendered for 15yrs, not bailing him out from loan sharks or supporting his many businesses .  It's harder for you because it appears you are still in love with your ex or maybe it's early days . I have not seen my ex physically in 3yrs as he absconded to...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: Swedish coast - 4 days 23 hours ago
    It means so much to me to be understood in this. Thank you for replying.  Your way of regaining power by turning away I very much believe in. If the relationship wasn't on our terms and it made us unhappy, and then ended catastrophically, why should we pursue friendship with the partner after? I believe it's possible to do what's right by the children without forcing oneself to be courteous. I won't be unpleasant. But I won't give either. 
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: nefun76 - 4 days 23 hours ago
    Even when they want you to be civil with them , the very selfish one alike my ex , it's for their own benefit . He sent me a long apology about how he is sorry he hurt my feelings and humiliated me and tried to use his parent's death as a crutch. His real reason for apology turned out to be me agreeing to reduce the court ordered child support bcos he's going through a hard time. Healing also starts with no longer giving in to their subtle manipulation . Most have no remorse or empathy . They look out for...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: nefun76 - 5 days 3 min ago
    I very much understand you a 100% as this is my own reality too. The comment about no one understanding his massive dysfunction, looks like a gentle and responsible person and even those that believe can't imagine it is my total experience. No fault of theirs and expecting them to understand is too huge an additonal burden on you. Infact you are blamed for tolerating his dysfunction  however the healing would start when you take your power back. You have to have an intimate discussion with your self which...
    >>> on Forum topic - The degree of pain

  • by: honestly - 5 days 22 hours ago
    But I have read the book. I wasn't going to answer as my experience is limited by this but here goes. The book is helpful. You can see that circumstances and dynamics that had felt like individual and specific to you turn out to be shared by many people. There's a clearing of the vision- the lights go on. But I find it really hard to implement the advice as I for one am arriving at this new knowledge at a time when my patience and understanding are utterly exhausted and the book's advice is to find more ...
    >>> on Forum topic - Non partner support group + book - anyone feel they helped?

  • by: honestly - 6 days 12 hours ago
    I feel for you. I've had similar- though not as extreme- difficulties with ADHD spouse, where agreements we have made break down the instant someone else wants something different to happen. It used to be his ex girlfriend (!) or parents (who lived nearby and wouldn't let us have any space at all) but it can be anybody who wants anything really. When I point out the conflict he will say 'It's okay, I'll handle it' and then he'll handle it by doing exactly what the other person wants. The feeling of your...
    >>> on Forum topic - Boundaries (Update)

  • by: Swedish coast - 1 week 10 hours ago
    Your mother in law seems as dysfunctional as they come. I do understand you want to keep the children away from your husband's family. So sad that this is in the mix for you, too. It would be plenty to deal with only your husband's unfortunate behavior you've described earlier. I don't know what we can do in these instances. I needed to break off contact with my mother in law many years ago but have encouraged her seeing the children. That's because she's great with them and has singled only me out for...
    >>> on Forum topic - Boundaries (Update)

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