Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What to do if it's over? by: Astrosneddy 3 months 2 weeks ago

    On the 3rd, she sat me down and told me it she was ending things. I'm acting the way I wish I can look back and be proud of. We have a daughter, 3 years old, were both exhausted, we have had other emotional issues going on and I can't stop trying to talk about them because I felt her pulling away so I chased after her. I've made every mistake possible, then began the ADHD effect on marriage yesterday and it's so triggering because it's just too late, but so accurate.

     

    I don't know what I'm looking for here, I got diagnosed April last year and I'm not close to proper management yet. I just got through sorting medication and have begun therapy but I don't think my therapist is the right one. 

    If it weren't for my daughter, I would just have comment dissociated but somehow I'm holding myself together where it's needed. I don't think I can ever go back to my job. It's very new and in not living it to, (I lost my other job about a month after my diagnosis) I feel too raw. I feel poisoned, and weak. I want been what I lost. It's not exactly the marriage, that's gone and it was a title anyway. What we were was far more than that. Bit more just about everything familiar and comfortable in my life has been changed and removed overnight. My birthday is on the weekend. I'm...just defeated.

     

    I have one splinter of hope keeping me together and I'm terrified of losing it.

     

    Thank you for listening.

  • When you're not the breadwinner... by: Eighpryl_AB 3 months 2 weeks ago

    My husband is self-employed.  He runs a fairly successful business and we usually do pretty well.  He had a charge back on a popular vendor website a long time ago, it recently caught up with him and they shut his shop down.  The amount was quite high and he has not been able to pay it back yet so he can reopen his shop.  We process all orders through our own website and processors now, but the vendor site was his main advertising.  He hasn't had a sale since early November and we're starting to feel the squeeze.  That's not to say he hasn't had any interest.  There are still plenty of inquiries, but no actual sales.  Hubby wants me to open a new vendor shop for his product under MY info, and I don't want to.  I don't know if it actually makes any difference since we're married, but i feel like if anything goes sideways, it's on ME.  But I also feel guilty about it.  When we were first married, he wanted to keep our credit separate, but bullied me into putting so many things on my credit and in my name bc he technically made enough to afford it, even tho his credit was maxed out.  I didn't want to, I didn't like it, but he was the sole breadwinner, and he wouldn't let it go when he had something in his mind that he wanted and he was a nightmare to live with until I gave in... many of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  My credit got destroyed right along with his during the recession.  While he has changed the way he spends money now and makes much better financial decisions, I no longer want to have my name on anything of his that I don't have to.  I don't even like him putting me on his credit cards and he keeps doing it (so I have to figure out how to get OFF of them).  BUT we need that paycheck...  I don't know what to do.

  • How he presents by: Swedish coast 3 months 3 weeks ago

    Today I almost broke down when I met my ex-husband shortly. Even though I reminded myself what he's done, and kept my boundary. He came at me smiling, kind and glowing.

    So this is who I've divorced. The man whom I've loved for so long. Excuse me, Cantgoback who said the other day that I'm codependent and wrong to call it love. 

    I'm a mess now, crying because by getting rid of the bad, I also lost the good. I almost destroyed myself to sustain the marriage, and it was not because I was stupid or in denial. Not even because I wanted to preserve it for the children, even though that was important. It was because I was attracted to him and preferred him to everyone else. When symptoms allowed me to glimpse him.

    I wish he wouldn't present himself like this, but keep the attitude he's had during divorce. 

    The other day, I met the husband of a friend in town. He knows about my recent divorce. He also has ADHD. The way he showed his sympathy during this brief encounter, made me acutely aware how I connect with him emotionally too. It's weirdly the same. And it's terribly powerful. I think I have it in me, in my original family. ADHD is probably my preference, and it hurts me. How sad is that. I have absolutely no masochistic tendencies. But the wiring seems very unfortunate. 

  • More than just no boots on the ground - no real ideas by: brindle2 3 months 3 weeks ago

    We are homeowners.  Things need repair.

    Can the very intelligent man that is my husband stop suggesting that his young sons (who of course have no repair experience) fix the problem, without his help or direction?  

    Just had to tell the people who understand the things that are said and done to avoid the boring tasks that adhd brains don't enjoy.  

  • Codependency in adhd/add relationships by: Anonymous (not verified) 3 months 4 weeks ago
  • Merry Christmas by: ShouldaCouldaWoulda 4 months 3 days ago
  • How do I cope? by: StrugglingToStay 4 months 5 days ago
  • a positive note by: Off the roller ... 4 months 1 week ago

    I was meaning to write this over a week and half ago and my own challenges kept me from doing so - as the non-ADHDers, you know the one I'm talking about: when something good happens, it's really hard to celebrate it bc you know something disappointing is right around the corner. But I thought to myself just now, 'just write the good thing anyways as this might help you and someone else to see that there CAN be joys in this type of marriage'. 

    So that's what I'm doing.... last couple of weeks have been difficult as we navigate this and we aren't really connected or working together or even really talking, we are cordial and nice to each other (kinda) but it's not what I want in a marriage. However, it got particular bad for me internally and I'm doing the work wiht a therapist about myself and boundaries and I really felt that the come-2-jesus talk was coming up and that I was more aware of what my ultimatium would be; esentially that he needs to get help for his ADHD. 

    ...here's where the joy comes in... would you believe that on the day he was due to go for an appointment about his depression, anxiety and ADHD and medication that he's been on, he took the initiative to actually TALK to me, just me and him (which never happens), and asked me questions about how i felt about how he was doing. He encouraged me to be honest and tell the truth - I struggle with this bc his moods just are too roller coaster-ey to stand strong in what I am feeling/thinking/believing, so I stopped sharing them bc it's just easier (I know, not a great dynamic) - and I DID and he got upset a few times but then actually calmed down and took what I said on board and said that he doesn't have to agree with it but he needed my perspective. 

    And then he had a good session with the doctor and they have finally decided to treat the ADHD and he's starting medication for it specifically in the new year. I couldn't be happier as it's progress (but struggling with the fact of how this process has happened but that's for another time) and really hoping that while I know it might take a while to stick, at least this is moving forward in some way. 

    Wanted to share!  

  • Boundaries for passivity by: Swedish coast 4 months 2 weeks ago

    Use of boundaries in ADHD relationships is still a mystery to me.

    How are boundaries helpful in a marriage when the intrusive behavior they're meant to protect from, is passivity?

    I could state I don't accept doing more than my share of housework. If my partner doesn't do his part, I have to choose between living in filth or do it anyway. It's the same with everything else: either wait a lifetime, or push ahead and do something to improve life, and resent the surge in workload that choice produces. Because ambition
    means more work, but you were already prepared to step in whenever your spouse failed to do their agreed part, and so your workload was ridiculous to begin with.

    Of course, if there are no children involved, it's possible for a spouse to choose to spend more nights out or seek other company. But when you are tied firmly to the home by children's needs? Is it really possible to make boundaries that make you not notice the stinking garbage under the sink?

    I think I haven't understood this. Still I know there are people who make boundaries and thrive by them.

     

  • Anyone any experience with threats to self harm and harm none adhd partner? by: Forgotten Person 4 months 2 weeks ago

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