My husband has been diagnosed recently with adhd. For years he has struggled to regulate his moods, particularly anger and episodes of stress, frustration and anger have become more frequent over the last 5 years. It has taken a toll on our marriage. He has drank beer to help with his racing thoughts consistently 5-6 night out of 7 high strength lager 7-8 cans. When he doesn’t drink he goes to bed early as he is tired and dysregulated. He spends an inordinate amount of time on his phone. He uses it to ‘process’ play games calm his mind. I have over the years asked him to not shout and swear at the kids at me and try and deal with his issues in a better more helpful way. Drink is an issue for me and quite triggering as I grew up with a moody alcoholic stepfather. We have argued repeatedly about his swearing and shouting and he has tried to justify it saying the kids don’t care, everyone shouts and swears, to the cost of our marriage. The kids have their own issues with this but he said Ive put ideas into their heads and they are fine. He doesn’t really acknowledge the hurt he has caused. As a result have tried over the last few years to build a life alongside ours with friends’ family more fun stuff to help me cope with the stuff at home. He now feels abandoned unloved. I have tried over the years to get him to be more adventurous, to enjoy stuff but it always had to involve drink, and it was never that enjoyable. Holidays ruined buy his harsh words and moods. I have given up now he has his diagnosis which he stalled getting for years, I am broken. I have nothing left to give. He has blamed deflected and not really taken responsibility for anything blaming RSD and dysregulation – which I understand but he’s been so vile at times. He is now saying he doesn’t like who Ive become as I have distanced myself, that if I want to leave the marriage I should just go. The therapist that diagnosed him said he probably has depression and anxiety. But since diagnosis I have had to remind him to see someone if he feels medication, is the answer. He is going to see someone in December. The therapist also said we should see her as a couple, but he has stalled on sorting this. Saying it’s a classic adhd thing. I want to go to be honest Ive had enough if this. He has stopped drinking 2 weeks ago just stopped. I haven’t said much about it as he’s never stopped for long enough for it to be convincing. Every time he does this, I get the moody less happy version. He can’t moderate his drinking it’s all or nothing. He wants more affection more encouragement which I have given so many times – my heart swelled with hope and positivity only to be let down. I have stopped saying anything I am so sad. He has in the past ignored me for weeks months even saying he’s not ignoring me its his adhd and that he can’t process conflict. He has been quite spiteful in these periods talking normally to other family members but not me. When Ive tried to make small talk ‘how was your day’ kind of stuff, I’ve been asked to not bother. Then Ive been accused of ignoring him. This has left me quite traumatised to be honest and anxious, every time his mood is off, I wonder am I going to be ignored for days and then I can’t settle. He won’t seek therapy, he just stews, saying I’m not sympathetic how his mental health is paper thin. I have so much anger and resentment because he won’t listen to my experiences he has no real idea. It eating me up. My mental health is really affected as I don’t like the thought of him hurting but I am all out of love. Ive tried ways to help him suggestions, things to help, counselling, meditation whatever appeals to him, nothing does. He works mostly alone, from home has few friends and doesn’t talk to anyone about his diagnosis. He expects me to be a better wife and emotional support buffer. I would but my resentment is stopping this
Forum:
