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by: honestly -
That stuck with me too. I really feel for you, J; but I'm really glad too that you can see this now for what it is. The fact that you can now tie it to earlier behaviour is absolutely crucial - you now see the pattern and the escalation. Kicking you over you not dealing with a spider fast enough?! I wonder if she might actually be dissociative as a result of past trauma; ie be in a different state when stressed? If so, it's a reason for the behaviour, but not a reason for you do anything other...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
I'm following up with my exit strategy when the time comes. This grabbing my shirt collar and holding her closed fist cocked and ready to strike, is actually the third time she made physical contact with me. The first time, was when there was a spider in the kitchen and she yelled for help. I got up to see what I could do, and she was yelling and waving her pointed finger, in the direction of where the spider was. She wasn't pointing exactly where so I asked "where?". She became upset that her waving...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
When I first returned here after my time away. We had a discussion about Lizs behavior then in terms of "Control". You brought to light the idea of "dominating " as a separate issue and one to be aware of. And yes, the mention of trust and what I said. In my mind, this has now crossed into the realm of domination in my untrained experience. It definitely affects how I see my situation now, compared to a year ago. If I had to guess, this IS an example of someone trying to dominate...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: J -
I said I've been using AI Chat to help organize my thoughts. It also synthesis what I imput into it, and feeds it back to me in a linear organized way. Here's what it said in light of all your responses: I’ve been sitting with what’s happened and the responses here, and I used AI to help me organize my thoughts. What came out of that feels important to share back. --- Where I Am Now What happened — Liz grabbing me by the collar and raising her fist — wasn’t just...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry, J. I agree with Honestly. This isn’t a good dynamic. You said some other time you weren’t sure you trusted your SO. I’m concerned too that you may be in an unsafe relationship. Please take care.>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: honestly -
But I'm very concerned for you. Raising a fist to you, however physically unthreatening she might be, is very very far from acceptable behaviour. No loving partner does this. A boundary has been shattered. My brother, a skilled manual labourer who's as solid as an ox, experienced something like this with his (thank God now ex) wife. It escalated, until one day she came at him with a knife. There is a risk that should you get into a tussle with her, trying to defend yourself, you...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: Off the roller ... -
Man that sounds like a lot J! Oddly enough, I've been in your position when the clarity comes ringing through like a bell. A bell you can't unring. Now that you've had this experience, what next step are you taking?? Your story has enlightened me to remind myself that I too have been wrapped up in in laws stuff that has been a stage or a theatre for a show...without the main characters acknowledging what they are doing. It reminds me that I must continue to do thr work on myself and not...>>> on Forum topic - Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control
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by: honestly -
a switch gets flipped, I think. It happened to me, it's happened to friends and family too - not just in ADHD impacted relationships but any dysfunctional marriage. You can go so far, giving and accommodating and twisting yourself into weird shapes for your partner, not prioritising your own needs or happiness because there's no time and space for that, and then something happens and it flips a switch and it's like the light goes on and you see things for what they are, see how much discomfort you...>>> on Forum topic - Yank myself out of the numbness
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by: Swedish coast -
I’d say there’s no shame in stepping out of a dysfunctional relationship. Starting a family, you need a foundation of trust. If your ex fiancé doesn’t earn your trust, marrying him would be irresponsible. I can’t see any moral fault in leaving. Even if you are emotionally and spiritually connected to a person, they also need to meet your expectations to be right for you. Because it’s your life, not any life. I’d ditch guilt. All the best!>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: scoobydo -
Thank you for sharing your insight and your struggle. I guess one tough thing about trying to move on is giving yourself permission to not feel guilty about. All the best to you as well! Hugs!!>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s taken many years for me to accept and let go of hope for the relationship. Emotionally, I seem to be getting there about now, a couple of years after divorce. But it’s actually been one of life’s most important lessons. One cannot change another or compensate for their incapacities. One can only try to be the person one wants to be. One needs relations that enable being relaxed, playful and interested. ADHD diagnosis and treatment might make a lot of difference for some with ADHD. For...>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: sickandtired -
Scoobydo, you need to embrace the hope of living the happy life that you deserve. You cannot help or cure either of these serious disorders your fiancé has. Dating him for 7 years has made you lose your perspective of what a healthy relationship looks like. If you marry him, you will become his caretaker, living in a hoarded home with a person who will only get worse with age. I agree with you that he should have never gotten on a dating site with all of his unresolved issues. Please get out now....>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: scoobydo -
Hi Swedish coast; Have you accepted that you had to let go and if so, how long did it take? The anger is always there because I cannot accept that I have to let go of my fiance. Im angry that he won't get therapy and even then would that help him? I understand the disorder fully but just cannot accept that I have to make all the sacrifices. Which, in turn, brings on the guilt because aren't we supposed to live in sickness and in health? But then I think about how much his disorder affects...>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: Swedish coast -
My severe ADD ex is also deeply lovable. Terrible to give up on. For an ADD mind, a neurotypical partner’s expectations might seem unreasonable and also pointless. I had severe ADD explained to me as a fundamental lack of executive skills. Which means not being able to make things happen. The ADHD person adjusts their ‘normal’ to their capacity. Mess might be an ADHD person’s normal, procrastination, avoidance, elastic logic, elastic conscience too. Neurotypical expectations of a husband...>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: Swedish coast -
Isn’t that an excellent description you just made? Fawning as a way of surviving? But your emotions do matter, as do your needs and preferences. I’m so sorry, Off the Roller. Have been thinking about you. ❤️>>> on Forum topic - Yank myself out of the numbness
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by: scoobydo -
Sad>>> on Forum topic - Dead end road
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by: befree07 -
Yes, something I need to work on. We (in my home) are so focused on overcoming, or improving our coping skills when ADHD symptoms arise in order to minimize their negative impact. We need to spend more time learning about, and celebrating, the positives like this couple has :) Really glad you enjoyed the video!>>> on Forum topic - Talking ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis with your Tween
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by: 1Melody1 -
Thanks for posting this. It was a very relatable watch and nice to hear from a couple where both partners are aware and working hard to understand each other and address the challenges of ADHD while embracing the positives.>>> on Forum topic - Talking ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis with your Tween
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by: Swedish coast -
This forum has helped me immeasurably. One thing that connects many of us here is love for people with ADHD…>>> on Forum topic - I have ADHD
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by: J -
having this forum available, and wealth of knowledge and expertise available has been a blessing for me. Thank you J>>> on Forum topic - I have ADHD
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