I am amazed how often now I have these thoughts run on in my mind. What I learned with new perspective is this....
I wish I woulda...
• been MORE verbal. So often I shut up so to not cause a scene or because he would raise his voice louder and meaner and use vulgarity to shut me up if I spoke my mind. We ended up not talking very often.
• not worked so hard trying to DO everything for us and the kids physically. I wish I woulda been more of a manager and less of a slave.
• not been so "nice". I thought I was being supportive. But I was too compromising and lost my good self that I once was. And he did not respect me. I believe he wanted the fights.
• fought.
"Over time, you'll inevitably end up resenting your partner because you've given up too much of yourself."
Comments
Hi Jenna!
It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of your posts. I hope you are doing well. Nice to hear from you, but I hope you’re not beating yourself up over not doing those things. I did all of those things, but it did not help me or the situation. I spoke up. He would argue literally for HOURS. I was not nice. I stood my ground, but he would just steamroll over me. I quit doing things for him, but he still did nothing to help himself or help our situation. I fought back. I agree with you that fighting is exactly what they want… to get that dopamine hit, and consequences be damned. He never considered the consequences for anything, and when they inevitably came, he would sit in his victimhood and whine how life is so unfair, while I could see what was about to happen from a mile away.
My conclusion after listening to so many good people on here trying to save their relationship but losing it to adhd is that NOTHING we do will make a difference. It’s all in their head. A different partner, a different job or a different home won’t break their cycle of lack of planning, lack of insight, failure, consequences, anger, self hatred, blame shifting and resentment that we’ve seen in them over and over. The only thing that made a difference (in my life) was leaving. He’s still stuck in that vicious cyle just like he’s been even before I met him. My words and actions seemed to have no effect on him or his behaviors when I look at the big picture of his life. He was broke and angry before, during and after our relationship, and I suspect that’s how he will be till he dies.
Please don’t blame yourself thinking you could have done anything more. We can’t change their trajectory, we can only change our own.
A stone wall is a stone wall....
I hear you Jenna...I like sickandtired also fought fire w/fire, many times, but to no avail....The love we give our spouses and family never loses it's value...Because it's not weakened by whether it's returned or not...Pure love is eternal...Love never fails...