So I agreed to meet my ex for a chat yesterday. He wanted to talk over stuff that had come up in therapy, see if it chimed with me. I was hopeful - maybe his therapist had got him to reflect on his behaviour; maybe he had begun to see himself better, and the impact of his behaviour, and that would enable us to move forward, get on better.
I listened to him for 15 minutes straight as he monologued, my heart sinking. He had gained some insight into how he processes negative experiences (puts them in a box, doesn’t think about them; an approach with obvious implications for ever learning, growing). Beyond that, it was about what I had done, might have done, was not doing and how it was impacting his wellbeing. I had not managed to be part of family things with him; I had probably slagged him off to friends and family (nope; but some have observed his behaviour and come to their own conclusions) and was I now greyrocking him because he’d just learned about greyrocking and if I was doing that it implied I thought he was a narcissist and he didn’t think he was a narcissist… I hadn’t intended to greyrock him; I just couldn’t communicate any better with someone who messed so profoundly with my head.
He asked for better communication from me. It makes me want to cry. I have tried so hard to communicate with this man, who simply does not listen to me, and said in couples therapy that he didn’t think what I’d been saying was ‘important’. How can I do better now? Why should that come from me, and how can it anyway since it doesn’t land with him?
I ask him for more empathy- for me and for the kids. He says he’s full of empathy. I point out just a couple of the inconsiderate and selfish things he’s recently done and he starts spinning them into how they prove he’s a great guy. I point out some stuff he can’t spin - finishing up food and then telling the kids there’s no food - and he just sighs like I’m unreasonable.
He tells me he knows how I feel. But then he says he doesn’t understand how I’m behaving. So he really really doesn’t know how I feel. Because how I’m behaving is an expression of how I feel.
After months of not dealing with him beyond the bare minimum and feeling clear and fresh and okay with myself, I now feel so murky and unhappy and horrible. He sees me as deeply flawed, because I am now so angry and can’t be kinder to him.
I’ve asked him to reflect on one or more of the flashpoints we had, where his behaviour was particularly damaging (I could go into it here but it’s lengthy; sometimes it’s drink, sometimes it’s his ex, sometimes it’s lying, sometimes it’s bulldozering me, sometimes it’s a combination). To try and put himself in my shoes when that was happening, imagine what it would feel like if I’d done that to him. I’ve asked him to come back at me when he has arrived at any thoughts on that.
I feel, again, awful. It’s like he can only feel good about himself if I feel terrible.
He said he wanted to clear the air. I see it more as passing misery from his possession to mine.
I learned too that his counsellor has ADHD, her son has ADHD. She is an ADHD specialist. The question ‘enabler?’ later popped into my head.
He’s now at the family home with the kids. I messaged to ask how they were getting on. Son says his dad is in good form. Cheerful.
Comments
So awful
He rewrites the script to fit himself. And his therapist - any therapist - will be clueless about what actually happened beeeeen you two. The individual therapist is only an echo chamber for him (like the several psychologists I saw for years for my stress, nobody could see I lived with a partner with undiagnosed severe ADD, since I didn’t know it, and therefore no therapy helped).
Only you, Honestly, and your partner know what’s happened in the relationship. And since you two don’t share reality, you will be alone with yours.
This is so painful.
You know I killed all contact with my ex, mainly because I can’t stand his lying and manipulation to avoid shame. We had a meeting with a counselor present 18 months after divorce,, and I told him clearly why he nowadays makes me want to throw up. I didn’t accept any of his nonsense at the meeting. He tried to apologize, but it was lame. It mainly felt like he wanted me to go back to providing things for him.
This, my friend, is where the war plays out. In defining reality. Your ex may feel smug today, and like he won something by pressing his reality onto you.
I suggest you don’t let him have the last word on this. I suggest you confront him (with a couples therapist present to protect you) with all the horrible things he’s done to you.
And then, I suggest you deny him access to you. Don’t allow him to monologue anymore. And make talking to you unattractive enough for him to avoid it. Don’t be kind. Don’t try to find common ground. Be factual, be cold, be crystal clear.
Believe yourself and let his reality take place elsewhere. That is the only solution I’ve found to not sharing realities with my love of two decades.
thank you, Swedish.
And you’re right; this is about competing realities, and his bears so little resemblance to mine. But also I don’t have to do this anymore; I don’t have to listen anymore and I don’t have to burn myself to keep him warm. He helped me see that, even though it’s a horrible process to go through once again- the hope, and the failure of hope.
He is diagnosed ADHD, but I am increasingly convinced he is also a covert narcissist. The patterns fit.