One reality that really hit me recently, (in my own relationship) isn't about what has been said....It's about what hasn't been said....Most of the posts I've written and the majority of the one's I have read, have the same theme....Negative behaviors and little to no communication....Most all the partners who post here are asking for (me included) our spouse's to set us down, look us dead in the eye's and calmly reinforce their love and commitment to us....Then get up and calmly live it out....(That's never happened here)
What I read here (and write) is a picture of words that says I'm starving for some semblance of an equal effort attempt at commitment....And spouse's who are putting words in their partner's mouth at times because they are so desperate for real commitment and real communication....Spouse who struggle with acceptance of their own selves for staying in a one sided marriage for so long....
Yes, it's not what has been said...Most of us have spewed out enough words in our attempts to wake them up, that if our words were water, our homes would be floating (at least ours would)...Hoping one day a light might come on, and they might say, *** "Oh Yeah!, this is a marriage (two people) I need to lovingly participate in full" ***
It's so sad to see marriages end after so many years, because one partner just refuses to commit....I don't know if that's an add thing, or something else?....But it seems to be very common with many of us....And even when they want verbally commit, but shows signs of it, by putting forth effort all of a sudden...It seems to never last but a short period, and they never seem peaceful or comfortable applying them selves to the simple responsibilities that there roles requires....
If you truly love someone and Vow life time Vow's...Shouldn't it be great Joy in the putting forth the energy to build a strong marriage relationship? I guess I will never understand a level of selfishness where you just abandon your responsibilities to the person you should hold the most dear.....
Yep, it's usually never what's being said....It's what isn't being said and done that allows the relationship to die.....
c
This is so true. My husband
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
This is so true. My husband is actually an extremely pleasant person. He’s almost always calm and collected and very rarely becomes angry. However, there’s a void that no one else would understand but us. This is how I think about it in my mind:
My husband does nice things for me, but he’s not able to be nice to me.
My husband is able to care for me, but he’s not able to care about me.
They are very subtle differences, but it makes a big difference when you’re trying to have an emotional connection with another person. It’s the difference between being able to act and being able to feel.
Yep Hopeful Heart....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's difficult (has been for me) to see these realities clearly w/o emotion playing into it...**Like a fly on the wall**...But I've come to a place (coming to a place) that I just want "the best" for both of us....So not having a bunch of emotion skewing my view of it, really helps me to see and accept the reality related to our difference's and the effort or lack of it to attach in a healthy way....
Your comments are clear to me....It seems to me to be some kind of inability to attach at an emotional level for so many. I don't know what causes it....It's something though, maybe it's fear of vulnerability, or deep seeded hurts from childhood, or other hurts from their past that they can't get past...I know this one happens, my first wife of 30 years, struggled to attach on a relaxed intimate level...(She was a rape victim at age 14)....So past emotional and physical abuses and hurts do turn psychological....And with out healing they can be there a life time....
If not those, maybe its alexithymia, the symptoms are the same....(dysfunction w/ emotional awareness, social attachment, & interpersonal relating) I really don't know, but after 10 years, I know it's real....
Witnessing this and experiencing it with a spouse, can really keep a person frustrated w/ wonder....And it's really a huge part, if not the main part of the conflict between us....We want to attach at a level that just isn't happening...So we as hurting humans struggle to not Label it as intentional....I don't think it is....Most of our spouses know that they have one life to live in this earth, and I think they want their's to be a great life, filled w/ Love and Peace and all the Good things we were created to experience...In my opinion a person who is capable (in heart and mind) , would never live married, and choose to forfeit the blessing of a healthy and intimate attachment intentionally...
So if I can maintain a fly on the wall approach, and accept the reality as it unfolds on a daily bases...At least it can give me the potential to make wise decisions concerning boundaries, acceptance, and when and if it's in our best interests to live a part....
Could not agree more, C ur self...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
This is exactly where I am at. I don't know if it is alexthymia or emotional immaturity. Can it be both? sigh.
I really believe that it is way more difficult to work with than ADHD.
I come from the view that ADHD does not cause consistent childish behavior. Intellectual intelligence is not affected by ADHD. In my thinking, emotional issues stem from somewhere, for all of us. Considering these issues does not devastate us. You cannot expect a child to understand adult situations. That is what I am seeing with my H....and it has been there all along.
I like what you say here Zapp10
Submitted by c ur self on
It's almost like her zest for the childish things, can shut down or override the reality of adult life management....When she is leading (she don't know how to just be a part of these type events, to much energy, she has to lead) the charge playing dirty santa at Christmas, or on game night, or when she is leading the charge on an Easter egg hunt...When I go back and watch the short iphone video's of these events....The one person you just laugh at isn't the kids...It's the level of engagement (loud, controlling and everywhere) she is putting into it.....
And that spirit easily just roles over into adult life situations as control and manipulation....My way or I take my toys and go home....Home for her is locking herself away w/ a TV remote in a guest room for a day or more....
If they could **switch** that level of interest, commitment and energy into living as responsible adults and spouses....WOW!
c
C, you nailed it
Submitted by Brindle on
Most all the partners who post here are asking for (me included) our spouse's to set us down, look us dead in the eye's and calmly reinforce their love and commitment to us....Then get up and calmly live it out....
That's exactly it, C. Do you know the depth of flabbergasted I would have been if he would have ever done that? I probably would have sat still for a good couple of days and just blinked in shock. Because recently when I said that I don't feel loved, and I don't think he does love me - and he finally heard me - he insisted he DID love me. But where are the proofs? He made the smallest of efforts. It would take some serious... "wooing" of me to prove it. Twenty years of neglect can't be swept aside with "But I do!!" only to go back to how life was before. Maybe I didn't just marry an ADHDer. Maybe I also married a guy who's just not that great of a person. And that combo... it's not good.
Hi Brin
Submitted by c ur self on
Flabbergasted is a good word there....Shock, Disbelief are also....Yep, we can nail the truths of what a real loving relationship (unity where two are invested) should be like from time to time....And what we WISH we could have w/ our spouses.....But we just can't make it happen....
I've asked my wife on numerous occasions to stop telling me that she loved me....Being happy and telling your spouse you love them when they are doing things for you, isn't love...LOL...Love is our deeds!
blessings
c
What was her reaction to that
Submitted by Brindle on
What was her reaction to that? And how did you handle her reaction (assuming it was unpleasant or felt insincere)?
I am sure that if I said that to my husband, he'd get defensive, insist again he does show it, and be furious with me. It wouldn't bring concern that I really don't feel loved. It would probably make things worse. Honesty and frankness doesn't seem to bring the desired response. Of course, neither does silence, but at least then I don't have to deal with more from him.
Brin....
Submitted by c ur self on
She just ignores it, and tells me anyway from time to time...quiet a lot really Hahaha....
Her life just overwhelms her much of the time....(busy busy mind) ...And I'm usually the forgotten piece (The husband that she can count on to be stable, and do the right things) Until I back slide and try to fix her... LOL.....
Just this morning she climbed into bed w/ me, but made sure she informed me she only had 5 minutes to snuggle because she had to go....Other plans of course LOL....I just held her a few minutes and quietly said something about the lack of sex lately....She quietly said, I know, I'm sorry.....There is just nothing verbally that I can say to help her think differently about her responsibilities....
She jumped up and drove to have lunch at the school w/ our grand children....And then on to have her hair cut....She is a wonderful friend to her friends, and a cool Mimi...She just don't like the responsibilities of being a wife a lot of the time....Like I said, she really loves me when she is being petted or having her way....Oh well, it' is what it is....And when she comes in wanting to know what i think about her new hair cut, and I tell her how awesome it looks....That may buy me some naked time;)
Hope you have a blessed day Brin...
C