Scanning over the lists of post titles as I have fairly often the past nine years or so...The prevalent common theme is just desperate people seeking answers that might lighten the burden they find them selves under because of failed communication attempts, and of course our view of why "spousal behaviors". I have plenty of empathy for most of the posters here...I to live with a wife (15 yrs) who is high level add....So there isn't much I read here that shocks me, or I haven't been subjected to, are see often still....What I have learned to do is what we all must learn to do, if we continue to take residence with our add spouses, and desire a peaceful life that is....I have learned what is possible in each moment, and in each area of life...Most of us who can and do live a somewhat normal existence, who marry people who will never have the capability to perform "life" as we can...(organized, thoughtful, responsible)...And that in it self isn't totally bad, but it does call for acceptance of reality!...(Hugely different realities in most cases I might add) And that is your job, because if you think someone who is mostly limited in communication ability, (esp. concerning facts about themselves) is going to guide this wisdom train of ownership of differences, then your dreaming, or quiet naive.....Most of the problems I read about on this site is directly related to people who can exist normally, expecting those who can't, and never will, to change...lol, it's not happening...Now people can change deliberate behaviors when they see the need, but, THEY must feel convictions to do so, you and I pointing it out will only drive them away, or make it worse...AND most things add related isn't chosen or deliberate, it's the result of fixed brain function...
Based on my experience's and what I've read, working marriages where high level add is present in one partner, isn't something many find themselves willing or able to grasp, the long suffering of it all, the acceptance that your marriage relationship will be designed around strict boundaries, and highly limited in communication and sharing...This type of reality and effort is so debilitating to our families, emotions, psyche, and physical health in many cases, hope is easily lost...There are several posters on this site, that have broken free from their spouses, but, struggle to break free from the damage they incurred to their minds and emotions for having to walk away from someone they loved.....
But, if you are willing to respect difference's, set boundaries, and not participate in area's of life where you know conflict and chaos is a very high probability (no matter how 2 normal minded people can and do function) then many of us can find what is possible for our unique relationships, and still maintain our peace...
Blessings and Happy New Year to all!
c
Thanks
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
I've really read a lot of your posts and only wish i had discovered this forum a few years ago,
You and KellyJ offer a lot of good insight to this sunject.
My relationship with my severe adhd wife has ended, in so far as a couple. Now I seek information to help me deal with it on behalf of a 17 year old adhd son that we brought into this world.
Its a rough road on all parts.
Food for thought
Submitted by ND1973 on
Wow c, you gave me food for thought... my boyfriend (50 years old, we are not married) is just starting to get diagnosed (but 100% all the ADD signs are there). It was hard work the last couple of years in the relationship, something was off and i didn't know what it was. I am tired, frustrated and need to change my plans for the future if i want to stay in the (very loving) relationship. I broke it off last week, the new year felt like a good time to quit. After arguing 500 times ;) i know now: i have to know first if i would be fine with things how they are now. Stop fixing, nagging, demanding... it is making us both stressed and negative. I finished Melissa's book yesterday. I need a clean start! A new relationship with hem. First: rest and be 100% sure.
Thanks for the insight!
Best, Nicole
Weigh your options
Submitted by sickandtired on
I guess you have to weigh your options. Is he angry and abusive, or is he just forgetful? Has he done any work to help the relationship or are you doing all the work? Is he admitting he has issues or is he in denial? You can't carry the entire weight of the relationship. You can't fix him. He has to do the work. Do you want children? Many folks on here report that the relationship gets much worse when children are added to the mix. And take it from me... they DO get worse with age. You say he's 50... what will he be like in 10 years??? What if you develop health issues where you need him to take the reins and care for YOU? Yes, you need to decide if you can be happy and secure, physically, emotionally and financially...not just exist, with things the way they are now, because lasting change is very hard and almost impossible in many relationships, especially if the adhd person is digging in their heels in denial that they have a problem. You say you're not married. How long have you been together? Have you lived with him yet? Do you have realistic expectations of what living with an adhd person is really like, or are you engaging in magical hopeful thinking that love is enough and that you can change him? There is no gold star for being a martyr being a caretaker to someone who doesn't appreciate you or uses you, whether they have adhd or not. If you just stop fixing, nagging etc., he might feel better, but what about you? How will you feel lowering your standards and stuffing those feelings of frustration and exhaustion??? It can wear you down to just a shell of what you once were, and what if there is someone else out there who would have been a loving, equal partner who would have helped carry the load, but you never give yourself the opportunity to meet that new person because you are tied to your current partner??? Being in a relationship shouldn't be such hard work. These are life changing decisions, and you are in the drivers seat. Think carefully about how much happiness and security you would be willing to give up in your life. It's up to you.