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I'm sorry this happened to you. I had taken over most of the bill paying by about two decades into my 30-year marriage. It's sad when adults can't be relied on to engage in adult responsibilities. And worse when they don't pay bills on purpose; that happened to one of my friends. She and her then husband certainly were low on money but he managed to find money to spend on himself while not paying the mortgage and not paying taxes.
I was a 50 year old widow when I meet my wife....After we married she moved into my house...Everything was in my name (bills)...So in the name of sharing as a couple and saving a few bucks...I got on her phone package w/ her....And we started doing taxes together....With in four months my cell phone was cut off twice...My pay check had a stipend on it to cover my phone costs (on-call manager)...So it was personal and business...So after the second time...I went and took out a separate package...And within three years of dealing w/ her chaos and blame ( not getting cut enough, not being ready to file until the last minute, and all the conflict that ensued because of it) I started filing my taxes married and separate.....I don't live that way, and never will, as long as I have my right mind....
After all the fights and argument, (a year of separation) I finally realized that if I was ever going to live a peaceful life with her, I could never trust her (place expectations, or expect her to remember her promises) for anything....If I do, knowing better....I deserved every thing that happens.....It's not that many of our spouses don't want to do better...It's just that their minds want allow them to....And many of our spouses are so use to their realities, that they just excuse it....So bad habits, irresponsible and childish practices is just part of their day...
Boundaries will get your house in order...She want like it, because she is use to having a crutch...But it will force her to be accountable and face the music of her own actions, and your life will improve drastically....It will take discipline for you also..(just like it does for me) you sound like you are co-dependent, just like I was....So you will have to battle your tendencies to bale her out...It gets easier over time...And you will see her grow, when she finally understands you are serious (show her!) You will be able to focus on loving and caring for your family, when you refuse to be subjected to her behaviors (always upset fighting the fires that aren't yours)....Your stress level will go way down....
When we (many on this site) as spouses realize, that no matter how much we care, love or think good of our spouse's....No matter how many good attributes they have....Most of them live in, and give in, to a mind that makes them unfit to live responsibly in a one flesh relationship....In my opinion, and my experience, it will always take respected boundaries, and acceptance of the huge differences in order to survive together....Most of us refuse to accept this fact....So we run out and take on these huge loads in life, completely in denial that what is really happening, is we are burning ourselves out carrying an other adult...Until...We have enough, and start screaming grow up and do the work!!....And all we get back in return is a spouse who has the deer in the headlights look....Saying, what's wrong??...See, many of them have been living (for the most part) the way they are going to be living, when they die....
wishing you well petunias......Let there be light!!...(pun intended)
Most of us... run out and take on these huge loads in life, completely in denial that what is really happening, is we are burning ourselves out carrying an other adult...Until...We have enough, and start screaming grow up and do the work!!....And all we get back in return is a spouse who has the deer in the headlights look....Saying, what's wrong??
This was so absolutely, succinctly everything that I just had to comment. And the pun made me laugh, too. :)
Never ends...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Frustration cause number 102,871
I'm sorry this happened to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry this happened to you. I had taken over most of the bill paying by about two decades into my 30-year marriage. It's sad when adults can't be relied on to engage in adult responsibilities. And worse when they don't pay bills on purpose; that happened to one of my friends. She and her then husband certainly were low on money but he managed to find money to spend on himself while not paying the mortgage and not paying taxes.
Man I hate it for you....But you can stop it, if you want to....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was a 50 year old widow when I meet my wife....After we married she moved into my house...Everything was in my name (bills)...So in the name of sharing as a couple and saving a few bucks...I got on her phone package w/ her....And we started doing taxes together....With in four months my cell phone was cut off twice...My pay check had a stipend on it to cover my phone costs (on-call manager)...So it was personal and business...So after the second time...I went and took out a separate package...And within three years of dealing w/ her chaos and blame ( not getting cut enough, not being ready to file until the last minute, and all the conflict that ensued because of it) I started filing my taxes married and separate.....I don't live that way, and never will, as long as I have my right mind....
After all the fights and argument, (a year of separation) I finally realized that if I was ever going to live a peaceful life with her, I could never trust her (place expectations, or expect her to remember her promises) for anything....If I do, knowing better....I deserved every thing that happens.....It's not that many of our spouses don't want to do better...It's just that their minds want allow them to....And many of our spouses are so use to their realities, that they just excuse it....So bad habits, irresponsible and childish practices is just part of their day...
Boundaries will get your house in order...She want like it, because she is use to having a crutch...But it will force her to be accountable and face the music of her own actions, and your life will improve drastically....It will take discipline for you also..(just like it does for me) you sound like you are co-dependent, just like I was....So you will have to battle your tendencies to bale her out...It gets easier over time...And you will see her grow, when she finally understands you are serious (show her!) You will be able to focus on loving and caring for your family, when you refuse to be subjected to her behaviors (always upset fighting the fires that aren't yours)....Your stress level will go way down....
When we (many on this site) as spouses realize, that no matter how much we care, love or think good of our spouse's....No matter how many good attributes they have....Most of them live in, and give in, to a mind that makes them unfit to live responsibly in a one flesh relationship....In my opinion, and my experience, it will always take respected boundaries, and acceptance of the huge differences in order to survive together....Most of us refuse to accept this fact....So we run out and take on these huge loads in life, completely in denial that what is really happening, is we are burning ourselves out carrying an other adult...Until...We have enough, and start screaming grow up and do the work!!....And all we get back in return is a spouse who has the deer in the headlights look....Saying, what's wrong??...See, many of them have been living (for the most part) the way they are going to be living, when they die....
wishing you well petunias......Let there be light!!...(pun intended)
c
Wow... did this ever sum it up
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Most of us... run out and take on these huge loads in life, completely in denial that what is really happening, is we are burning ourselves out carrying an other adult...Until...We have enough, and start screaming grow up and do the work!!....And all we get back in return is a spouse who has the deer in the headlights look....Saying, what's wrong??
This was so absolutely, succinctly everything that I just had to comment. And the pun made me laugh, too. :)
!
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Right on, C !
...or in the case of my Ex-Husband.....
The vacant "dumb blonde" look. (What?) Think Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless".