Submitted by Furby withbentears on 08/09/2016.
AAugh another failed relationship, over money and not knowing how to choose a battle. I'm sick emotionally and fighting detachment...
AAugh another failed relationship, over money and not knowing how to choose a battle. I'm sick emotionally and fighting detachment...
I am sorry.... I hope that
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am sorry.... I hope that things get better for you. Are you adhd or is your partner? Things can certainly be rough even with treated adhd/add. This is a great forum of support.
It's me of course
Submitted by Furby withbentears on
It's me of course
Other than your meds, have
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Other than your meds, have you don't any work for cognitive behavior and interactions in relationships? Many folks here are adhd and add, and coming here is a good first step in getting some answers and real help. Sometimes just getting the perspective from the "other side" can be enlightening enough to start change in you. The fact that you are here, means a lot. It means you DO care, and that you are cognizant that your symptoms are causing you problems.
for that I thing you are brave. I also think that anyone who wants to can improve and be a better them. I don't know you from Jesus, but I do know that anything you choose to do with determination, patience and hard work you can accomplish. Sorry if I sound cheesy, I just don't want to see anyone give up and be so discouraged, even if I don't know them.
Yes I'v had CBT and try
Submitted by Furby withbentears on
Yes I'v had CBT and try everyday to not let ADD rule my life, the main issue is Impusivness, and misjudging my intentions.
I am sorry
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Lying is due to fear. Usually
Submitted by Furby withbentears on
Lying is due to fear. Usually fear of being invalidated...once again. Or to avoid consequences looking at it another way. The money issues are ones that a compromise needs to be made esp if married...I was engaged and the wedding and maybe the relationship has been called off.
It doesnt matter WHY you lie
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
It doesnt matter WHY you lie - but the fact that if you DO - you then become someone who is not to be counted on, relied upon and trusted.
My husband is a liar. Right to my face he will lie with the most genuine look of love in his eyes. And be lying. He lies because he had to as a child to survive. He lies out of habbit. He lies with out thinking about the impact to the future of the relationship (with me or others he will lie to). He lies to get what he wants - thinking that the ends justify the means (add that in that he is every self centered in that as long as HIS needs are met, all is well and he is OK with what ever suffering those around him experience beacuse of those "means"). He will say thats not true, that isnt the case - but it factually is, his defensive position when caught, his anger at ME for pointing out the lies and his "you cant control me i am leaving" because I wont tolorate the lies responses.
Lying is not a total deal breaker for me- its not a lie once your out. But the deal breaker comes for me when you are lying and wont even TRY to understand why and wont face up to the work involved in stopping the behavior.
Funny thing about lies - all they lead to is invalidation. The very thing you are trying to avoid by telling them. If you lie - you invalidate yourself and your position.
My husband lied to me about not smoking recently (long history there, lots of lies, lots of BS and money wasted). I caught him full on. He had lied to me numerous times over 3 weeks - 3 weeks where I gave him every chance to tell me what he was doing. I knew for a long time, but was hoping that he could come to the conclusion that he didnt HAVE to lie about it. Finally I confronted him and told him I KNEW he was smoking, and that while I could care less about that part of it - I would not tolerate the lies. His response? "I feel controlled, I am leaving, I dont think I can be a husband". There is more to it than that, but its boiled down to his bare base. The week before, he was happy and loving. Suddenly he is caught and his wants to run.
He totally invalidated his positions as an adult making his OWN DECISIONS by lying to me about those very decisions. My husband has enormous amounts of stress from previous abuse. I know that he will have his vices to turn to while dealing with it. If he needed to chain smoke for a year beacuse the fight with the monsters in his head was intense - I would buy his dammed cigarettes my dammed self! So - by him lying to me about it instead of just being honest (where we could talk about it and look to WHY he felt the compulsion to smoke again after he worked so hard over years to quit) - he self sabbatoged by first setting himself up to fail - of course he was going to get caught, I manage the finances and am the only one working - did he think I would NOT see several hundred a month just dissappear? Then he set ME up to fail by forcing a negative response from me. And that fullfilled his self prophecy and in turn VALIDATED the monsters in his head that he will never be strong enough, be good enough, or have what it takes to be an honest man.
Its a terrible cycle. Its one he CAN break, but it will take some work, and some serious introspection to root out the reasons he lies.... which as I stated before - I believe are 100% tied to his abuse. I dont think he WANTS to do it - but I think he is compelled, and frankly - he doesnt have enough control over himself to stop his own compuslions. He lives by his momentary whim - which has really set him self up to fail every time.
if you can recognize inyourself WHY you are lying - find out what that fear really is - what are you scared of being invalidated - and then really tell yourself that the only thing that WILL FOR SURE invalidate you and cause you to feel shame is the act itself of lying. Not what you are lying about.
I hope that makes some sense from the perspective of a NON ADHD/ADD partner.
*Edited* I also wanted to add - lying isnt limited to those with ADHD/ADD issues. I think EVERYONE struggles at some point with lying - be it to protect themselves or get what they want. I know that people lie every day, little white lies to protect another's feelings etc. I understand that and fight it in myself too. I try to not lie about anything, and when I feel the desire to do so - I have to really think about WHY I feel the need or want to lie about something - what am I trying to accomplish? What am I trying to get? Its not a struggle that is singluar or unique. I think that AHDH and ADD tendencies can make resisting the compulsions and thinking through the reasoning can be MUCH harder - but its not impossible. Baby steps gets you to walking gets you to jogging gets you to running free.