The unattainable truth.....

In my marriage, (and most of what I read on this site) the way to a workable marriage is so clouded over by human weakness, that healing truth has no chance to surface....In almost 6 years I would guess I've read posts from maybe 50 to 60 people who admit's to having add/adhd...(Maybe more)....And if I categorized them, it would be something like this....20% angry, defensive, and only stopped in to take a shot over the bow of hurting non's..50%...desperate men and women (mostly men) seeking advice on how to keep their abused spouse from leaving (usually after it's too late)....20% who stopped in to discuss their plights in life, and was either victim minded, or concession seekers....10% who seemed to be able to talk openly and honestly about how their minds work, and what their daily life is like...Two of these 10% percent posted here over the past couple of weeks....I (most non's do) remember this 10%, they have a huge impact on my life...Why? Because if an add/adhd spouse can speak truth, and hear truth, about themselves, and work with in the parameters of their true reality, (like we all must do) then calm constructive communication becomes possible, and workable marriage solutions become doable....

ADHDmomof2 was the first to impact me so positively....Why? Because she sounds just like my wife in so many ways...BUT....without the defensiveness, and without the denial....She could openly talk about her struggles, as well as her strengths...She talked about the work she's done, and is doing to better deal with her life tendencies....She took ownership, instead of excusing it, and blaming everyone else....There have been others, but very few....

So many of our marriage relationships are so burdened down with baggage from all the fighting, and arguments, there just isn't enough trust between us to make ourselves vulnerable with each other....Of course, even though this can definitely be a reality, we must fight through this fear, and find the humility to lay it all out on the table... (from both sides of course)....I told my wife that I'm tired (it's been 12 years now, I told her that 2020 had to be the year for us, or it's probably my last one)...I just do not want to go on any longer in this marriage if we can't BOTH take ownership w/o excuse of our living of life...The difference's aren't killing us, it's the denial and inability to communicate that is destroying us....When someone say's they believe one thing, but turns right around and justifies behaviors that are counter to what they say they believe, then the only way around that is denial....

Way to often a non will place expectations of their add/adhd spouse, that for the most part is unrealistic (something they can do based on their mind type)....So many of the posts I've read here, and wrote here:( is venting about a person who lives in a mind that can't perform on the same level when it comes to many daily life issues....Things as simple has picking up after yourself....She will never ever match me on this, not without a new mind, or a miracle....Physical infirmities are visible....If my wife had one leg, I would never question her limitations....But, because I couldn't see her infirmities, **visibly,** I placed expectations from the beginning of our marriage like her mind was normal, and she could function in life as easily as any other person should be able to....

So how do we limit the chaos? We can do it to a degree w/ acceptance, boundaries, and walking way from unfruitful dialog and behaviors.... But to push past the separateness that causes, we must stop the bleeding that comes from defensiveness, defiance, denial and blame....We must be able to share the simple truths about our struggles....And if we are blessed enough to have that,  ( or get to that point in the future) we better be able to be quiet, listen, and show Grace in those moments.....Swallowing our Pride, and puking up our struggles is difficult, but, it's life giving, and marriage enhancing....My pray for those of us (add or not) in this situation, is that we never excuse words or behaviors that do not show love and respect to our spouses.....

I'm just at the point that I'm truly wondering if staying in my marriage is a good thing?? I know her life works better single, because it's so intrusive (everyone who knows her well, knows it)....But, I thought one day she would swallow that pride, and decide to ask for help, and take ownership of her life, and it's effects on others.....I guess you have to see (realize it) the effects, to own it..??

Blessings

c