What is REALLY happening in our lives??

I think I have shared some "good" things, (as much as I am able, and been gifted to do) over the last several years on this site...Things that has helped me (and others) to accept the reality of what daily life is going to be like, with a high level add/adhd spouse...Who in my case, and many of yours, is in denial of her behaviors...Behaviors that have intrusive and abusive effects of their spouses....

Today I want to discuss the long term effects on us, the spouse's....I"ve often said to myself, and to others on this site....We can't make our spouse's our projects....But, under the conditions (trying to love this person, trying to accept them, and being forced to set boundaries in order to curb the effects of their intrusive and abusive life styles) how do we not??....When a person (any of us) is so incapable of ownership of their words and actions, and is completely incapable or unwilling to calmly communicate about their realities, that person will always be a project of sorts, if you abide in the same space with them as one flesh...Most of us will make them somewhat of a project, simply because of our own unmet needs (The pain of isolation and abandonment, of being over worked, disrespected and used thoughtlessly)....So our minds live in this reality "They vowed to fill a role in our lives, and I need it, and desire it"....Expectations die hard, and we can feel like we are giving up, when we totally accept their living of life as the long term reality for our marriages....

A person I admire on this site, wrote a post recently about where she has come to at this point in her life....And her first statement was...."I regret I didn't leave long ago." I truly understand this statement....I think many here does....To be able to avoid all the pain that we have, and will experience, as the lawful spouse to a person who's mind is lost in denial, is a daily emotional gut punch, that has no ending as long we are with them...

I must say that I recognize the bravery, and commitment of the non-spouses who has and or making it work....I also applaud the ADD/ADHD minded spouses who refuse to live in denial, and expects themselves to do the marriage work, they vowed to do, without excuse....It's always possible with ownership....But sadly to many take the easy road of denial and blame...

As for myself...I had very little patients being alone after my first wife passed away....I guess I was the perfect storm...(My children were Christians, they were healthy and happily married, I held my wife's hand in the hospice unit, until Jesus took her hand into his hand, and took her home.) I was a believer, and knew the work was complete for her and I in this life....I knew after 30 years, I was free to be single again in this physical world at age 50...( Yes, I was scared to death, haha! )....My oldest daughter who was age 28 at the time called me and wanted to go for a walk...So we did....Unbeknowing to me (but not surprising, knowing the love her Mother had for me) their mother meet w/ her and her sister...She told them, that I had taken very good care of her...But, I wasn't going to do well alone...She knew me;)...So for them to support me, when, and if I remarried; so they did....(It must of gotten pretty interesting, she told them a name or two to make sure I didn't get entangled with LOL) my oldest daughter only had one request that day...Dad will you make sure she is older than me? LOL....We laughed, but, I think she was serious....I was a very young 50, or though I was;)....

So what is really happening in my life? I think by God's Grace I see things a lot clearer than I have in the past....I know it's not going to be easy if I continue to stay....I have no fear of leaving, (my life would be so much easier) but I do believe every word that Jesus said about divorce...(The gospel)...So I will just keep on keeping on....Thankfulness and counting my blessings is imperative for me to have quality of life....And just accept what is possible in fleshly form between us....(It could be worse) And don't forget to live, (don't dwell on her life, to the point it limit's my own!) But my Faith isn't in my or her efforts, or lack there of (Ive witnessed those first hand for 12 year now, WOW...LOL) But in the very present and abiding Spirit of my Heavenly Father...

I understand leaving, and I would never judge someone who did...I don't think anyone should suffer abuse....Is it better to walk away from abuse? or to stay and live in fear, walking on eggshells, and having an angry and bitter spirit?

It's amazing and sad, that many humans refuse to be responsible until they find themselves alone....They just aren't capable of not using others.....So we just need to make sure we aren't that person....And recognize if we are married to one....We should never put our trust in unstable places, it's guaranteed pain and suffering when we do.....

I love people; and If I've ever offended anyone here attempting to work through very difficult and unhealthy relationships, I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness...It's never my intention to hurt anyone....Truth alone brings healing, many times facing those truths can be painful....I've only grown in my pain....

Bless you...