What's the one BIG thing?

After years (11 now) of trying to come to peace with what is possible in my marriage relationship...I have gotten there....I guess the reason it took so long, was because, I knew deep down I wouldn't like it....And I don't..LOL.....Shortly before I found this web site (6 years ago) I had some break through's, when it comes to the working of an add mind, and most importantly denial by the adder....I've read and written many posts since that time......I was just looking at one of Melissa's comments about denial...."It's denial that causes divorce she says"...And I understand that completely...And as anyone here who deals w/ denial in an add/adhd spouse can attest to....Unless you are willing to face your tendencies, and not excuse or justify the impact on others, then it's going to be impossible to sustain a peaceful life w/ your spouse....You may survive your co-workers, friends, and even your children in part...But the person you are sharing your life with,  (one flesh with) will be effected by everything....

Is this post just about add/adhd?...No, it's about any of us who are in denial concerning the impact of our behaviors, add or not....I will ask one question here....If an adult is upright, working, living, breathing, thinking, is it still possible for them to not be aware of the effects their behaviors have on their spouse?? I know they can feel hurt, pain and disappointment when it's being administered to them by others...But does it work both ways for their minds?...Or is it just justification and self absorption, because they are that uncaring?? Or, do they internalize their plight in life (the working of their minds) as being broken beyond repair (in capable of any real change?)....thoughts??

I've read (and wrote a few myself) many posts that starts out w/ my husband or wife is a wonderful person...But, then goes right into how he or she is destroying my life w/ behaviors that they refuse to recognize...Refuse to try to work on, etc.....What is this?? Isn't this denial??...I have all of this good positive energy I put forth on self entertainment, and even helping others in need...But the one thing I am truly accountable for, the work of a H/W I refuse the responsibility of. At some point each of us who lives this way, probably should give our spouse a real answer.?????...At least if we cough up our own heart felt truth about our actions, or non actions....Our spouse can make their life decisions based on attempted honesty...

One of the hardest things for me in dealing with our marriage dynamic is... There is nothing I can do to HELP, her w/ her struggles...There are things I can do to make it much WORSE....I can add to her defensive nature and create stress and anger in her by...Saying something about her behaviors....Pointing it out!...I can also self inflict more pain on my self, by continuing (after 11 years of denial) to place expectations for her to change....

(IMO) One of the hardest things for all humans to accept is..."Loving someone, who doesn't return it"....There are a lot of good tear jerkers (movies) made from this concept.... I really love "The Holiday" 2006...Jenna was saying something about being a romantic makes it much harder to endure the abandonment and disinterest....I agree w/ her 100%....The opposite of human Love is probably Indifference....

I have accepted my wife's loves and life style (the things she places her time, energy, $, into) but it really doesn't make the reality of not having a committed spouse by my side, being attentive, showing love and concern, any easier to deal with....So my one BIG thing is definitely the loneliness, that being married to her produces.....

With work, and acceptance I am learning to live again, for the most part without resentment....I know I'm important to those who do love me, (God, family, friends, grand babies :))) they are awesome!) and that is really all that matters....I'm not going to waste the blessings of each new day I'm afforded, being held hostage by someone who's placed US in such low priority in her life....As hard as it can be to accept, it's not my deal...I just have to make sure I don't mirror it.....

I've given her the same wise advice I attempt to live by...Don't get to the end of your life w/ a bunch of regrets (Especially since we know better now!) ...It can't be a good feeling to get the bad new from the doctor (if we are afforded time to see a doctor) and all we can think about is who I need to beg forgiveness from....

What's your one BIG thing, that you've accepted, (or not) that makes your marriage relationship feel empty/wanting?? 

c