Forum topic: ADHD on both sides of the partnership?

personally.  IMHO, ADHD has very little to do with why, my ADHD X and I didn't work out.

I'm going to start using AuAHD for myself from now on. It has less to do with the classification or putting myself in a box, and more to do with establishing a difference between either ADHD or being on the spectrum by themselves. Neither fit neatly and I appear to be this third category where you have a little of both and neither by themselves.

Yet, none this has that much to do with why we aren't together. I clearly saw her ADHD symptoms and they really weren't a problem for me. All the same symptoms I have, I saw in her too.

 Not only were they NOT an issue of even close to a deal breaker, my attitude was: I see myself in her, I can easily work past these things and give her compassion as needed. I can give her slack in moments when I clearly "saw the ADHD". I could easily look past her obsessive behaviors, her memory issues and all the "usual suspects " that I've become familiar with in myself.  I can forgive myself for "having AuAHD"...so in turn, I could give her grace accordingly.  I had no problem showing her integrity when I was irritated or fruatrated with her bavior at times ie: allowing her to be less than perfect or giving her what she needed to work thru her own moments of difficulty, keeping my own expectations in line with her capacities, not what "I wanted her to be for me."

None of this was an issue for me. I saw her limitations and I accepted her anyway.

The elephant in the room...the issue of all issues was she could not give me those things in return.

 Her inability to "reciprocate"...was the king pin that caused the entire relationship to fail.  If she had been able to give back what I gave, our issues would have all been repairable, bottom line.

I tend to believe ADHD qualities are on a spectrum like many other things. People like me who don’t qualify for a diagnosis but have ADHD in close relatives may share some of these qualities. And so find them relatable and also attractive.

It wouldn’t surprise me if ADHD minds would generally be drawn to one another? If pairing up with a fellow ADHDer would be more successful than with somebody else, I don’t know. 

lines up with sonething that I just experienced over this past weekend.

I arrived at my desert rendevou in a remote location ( on ancient dry sea bed ) knpwn as a "playa".  I really didnt now much about this "UnRally" event, only that it had ties to "Burning Man". I didn't understand the connectiom untill what happened when I arrived.

I had mounted my E-Mt Bike to the top rack of my trailer ...front wheel removed, rear wheel still on the bike. It was strapped down with multiple tie downs and was solidly attached. When I went to take it down, the rear axle was missing. The entire removable rear axel was gone, vibrated loose, and back itself out. Such a thing, had never even occured to me let alone, do things to prevent it??  I was inforned later, the miles of gravel washboard roads in can cause all kinds of damage to vehicles and trailers. One person lost their entire 50gals of water due to a plumbing part breaking off.

Anyway, this is one of those times when you have very few alternatives. Enter into the picture Pete D. Pete was the founding force behind this event. Hes also ( as I was just informed ) Burning Man royalty. Thats the connection, and he has many flollowers in both these events.

I on the other hand, did not know this about Pete. To me, he seemed like  a whiz at engineering and inovation and was always tinkering on his machines.  Everyone kept saying...ask Pete. So I asked Pete. He just showed me a box of old bolts, habded me a grinder and asked if I knew how to use it. I said yes, I'm a custom jeweler. He said, okay, youre a metal worker. I said yes. And his partner had a welder he said he could weld up what I needed.

To make a long story short, i fabricated and new axel from two old bolts, dovetailed the splice, and hand filed new threads to match the ones on the bike in the exact lenghth I needed. I had to file and grind a bit, but it came out exactly as I imvisioned. Fit perfectky, performed without a hitch.

What I noticed however, was how Pete responded. He said it was very "clever" and remarked at my ability to hand file threads. I told him I had ti learn from doing threaded earring post, which opended up a conversation about how he owned a jewelry manfuacturing company years ago. When youre talking to someone who thinks and knows the same things you do, there's very littke explaining, and more direct problem solving. I had no idea of his background...only, we both think "alike".

There's no question in my mind,  no matter what else Pete has done ( or does ) he and I see eye to eye. He saw my problem, he said "here's a box of bolts, here's a grinder"..and that was exactly what I needed. 

Heres the problem: here's the repair, here's what you need...go.

I so appreciate someone like this. And the fact that he liked my "fix" spoke exactly to this same "meeting of the minds."

That's the connection. Very words, but ecactly the right ones. Its easy when that happens. 

lines up with sonething that I just experienced over this past weekend.

I arrived at my desert rendevou in a remote location ( on ancient dry sea bed ) knpwn as a "playa".  I really didnt now much about this "UnRally" event, only that it had ties to "Burning Man". I didn't understand the connectiom untill what happened when I arrived.

I had mounted my E-Mt Bike to the top rack of my trailer ...front wheel removed, rear wheel still on the bike. It was strapped down with multiple tie downs and was solidly attached. When I went to take it down, the rear axle was missing. The entire removable rear axel was gone, vibrated loose, and back itself out. Such a thing, had never even occured to me let alone, do things to prevent it??  I was inforned later, the miles of gravel washboard roads in can cause all kinds of damage to vehicles and trailers. One person lost their entire 50gals of water due to a plumbing part breaking off.

Anyway, this is one of those times when you have very few alternatives. Enter into the picture Pete D. Pete was the founding force behind this event. Hes also ( as I was just informed ) Burning Man royalty. Thats the connection, and he has many flollowers in both these events.

I on the other hand, did not know this about Pete. To me, he seemed like  a whiz at engineering and inovation and was always tinkering on his machines.  Everyone kept saying...ask Pete. So I asked Pete. He just showed me a box of old bolts, habded me a grinder and asked if I knew how to use it. I said yes, I'm a custom jeweler. He said, okay, youre a metal worker. I said yes. And his partner had a welder he said he could weld up what I needed.

To make a long story short, i fabricated and new axel from two old bolts, dovetailed the splice, and hand filed new threads to match the ones on the bike in the exact lenghth I needed. I had to file and grind a bit, but it came out exactly as I imvisioned. Fit perfectky, performed without a hitch.

What I noticed however, was how Pete responded. He said it was very "clever" and remarked at my ability to hand file threads. I told him I had ti learn from doing threaded earring post, which opended up a conversation about how he owned a jewelry manfuacturing company years ago. When youre talking to someone who thinks and knows the same things you do, there's very littke explaining, and more direct problem solving. I had no idea of his background...only, we both think "alike".

There's no question in my mind,  no matter what else Pete has done ( or does ) he and I see eye to eye. He saw my problem, he said "here's a box of bolts, here's a grinder"..and that was exactly what I needed. 

Heres the problem: here's the repair, here's what you need...go.

I so appreciate someone like this. And the fact that he liked my "fix" spoke exactly to this same "meeting of the minds."

That's the connection. Very words, but ecactly the right ones. Its easy when that happens. 

As it turns out, Pete ( and his girlfriend partner , myself, and another couple are all thats left on the playa together tonight. He stopped by after he took a ride on his E Bike. The conversation could have comtinued all evening.....

Only to say...he appeared to want to talk to me. He clearing enjoyed our conenction and wanted to stop by and chat ( Im 100yds from his huge trailer  ) That was't me, trying to be associated with "royalty"...which I had no knowkege of before. It seemed some were definitly in "awe" of him to say the least.

We were just two guys talking nerd talk about electric motor vehicles, out in the middle of no where and sharing stories and talking gear. I discovered, we both share the same love for spear fishing ( which I haven't done in years )

It seems so ironic, that I have to go to the most remote place on earth, to meet ( anyone ) who shares the same passions. Last night, the full "loneness" was sinking in...as I stared at the milky way spanning the sky above. That "needle in a haystack" feeling...was starting to sink in ( happening upon a possible match ) of ever being with anyone compatible in the future.

And then Pete stops by just to chat. Not a compatiple "partner" interest, but a compatible person ( like me )  with a lot of things in common.

That made me feel the possiblities are not impossible. 

I discovered, Pete has a Harvard degree in business which is also interesrting. The fact, that I'm in the middle of no where, and meet someone of his caliber, only validates what Im doing. It gives me hope for the future and tells me Im on the right track.

Look up: Mosko Moto: Pete Day if you're interesed. 

So...the story continue'd...

which is also worth mentioning.

So Pete, his partner, and I are still left after everyone is gone. The next morning, his partner leaves ( she had her own Sprinter Van ).

And now its just Pete and I ....and no one else around. I proceeded to explore the area on my E-Bike, but my first battery test , left me peddling and hiking ( against the wind ) because my battery died more quickly that I calculated. The 4 mile peddle/walk was axtually good excersise, but it wasnt actually planned....and its in the 90° here. Lol  

So now Im testing different distances ( there and back ) and noticing how much battery power I use, while checking out all the cool stuff in the area.

And I'd swing by, just like Pete did, on my way home. He asked what I was up to and  I said " testing my bike range, but keeping it in my walking distance confort zone this time" ..as he already knew about my first test. Lol

And I'd ask him "whatcha working on" and he told me about his bike mods, his trailer pull out issues. .and things he was working on. Then I'd leave.

He ended up staying another night by himself which, Im assuning was planned. He has a bussiness to run, but his plan was...to do what he was doing.

And my plan was/is to do what Im doing. It jisy so happened, we both were doing the same thing at the same time...together....but that part wasnt planned.

I just wanted to point out, this wasn't a coinsidence...when two poeple, who think the same, have the same idea...independentley of one another.

Not sure what to call it, but coinsedence is not it. 

When Pete left yesterday, he stopped by on his way out with his rig and trailer. He asked what my plan was, and I told him I'd been living outdoors for over 130 days and was planning to continue ....just to see how long I can go.

He's the ONLY person I've met so far ( or know personally ) who's said: 

"That's great...good for you! "

He get's it. 

when i married to my husband, we didn't know what adhd is. we found each other perfect, although my husband has severe adhd while i am on starting edge of spectrum. still he appeared fine to me, even though my familly was concern when they first met him. that's how we found about it. lol! 

Wait, what was the question?

---scrolls to top to read OP again---

Right. I'm 40. My husband is 42. We've been married for 19 years and have four kids. 

Shared boundaries for what we absolutely will not do (supplied by having been raised in the same church) have kept us together. (No porn, no alcohol, no drugs, abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage.) We are absolutely committed.

But it's been hard to handle our adhd. We coasted for a long time. We had lots of energy. He was very patient through my post partem depression. I picked up a lot of slack while he forced his way through his graduate program. We barely held it together but were finally seeing progress and getting life to click along smoothly (ish)  when we got into a bad car accident and both of us had concussions. 

That sent us both over the edge into non-functionality. All of our adhd problems compounded. 

It's been three years. We're still not back to where we were. 

Right now I'm reading the book written by the people who run this site, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" looking for answers. At the beginning of the book she says that it's useful for couples where both have adhd as well as couples where only one has adhd. I keep wondering how. I keep trying to figure out which one of us she's talking to when she refers to the experiences of the adhd vs non-adhd partner. Which one am I? Which partners' strategies should I use?

I'm afraid that the answer is both. Both my husband and I carry the pains and frustrations of both the adhd and non-adhd partner in the book. Why? Because the term "non-adhd partner" would really be better described as "the partner dealing with a spouse who has adhd". That's both of us. 

That just doubled the amount of work it's going to take to get out of the hole we're in. 

So, is it better or worse for both partners to have adhd? I think the pros and cons balance out pretty well, but the prescription? That's doubled, and it's a bit daunting. 

I commend you for your commitment Jade, and all you've been through in staying together. I may not have your success in staying together, but what I may possibly have to share is insight on this topic, based on my own experience.

Even as of this morning, when I stopped by my X's to pick up a package she recieved for me, I opened up to her about being AuDhd, when she told me her two grandchilderen ( twins ) were both officially diagnosed with Autism. They're three now, and are still non verbal.

By opening up with her, it allowed her to admit some things that she just now, seems able to confront or see in herself.... how she has a lot of "baggage" as she calls it, which from my point of view: baggage = unhealed and/or unresolved trauma, childhood or otherwise. 

You said this: " I keep trying to figure out which one of us she's talking to when she refers to the experiences of the adhd vs non-adhd partner. Which one am I? Which partners' strategies should I use?"

I'm prepared to make a statement that I feel is not only true for me but applies to everyone no matter who you are or what you're particular constellation of qualities may be. It's been so consiatently true across the board ( at virtually 1000 batting average ) this is just part of the very thing that being discussed here...which is:

In all my time in therapy, going back now almost 20 years...I can honestly say, every time I see ( or find ) something about myself ( good, bad or otherwise ) is when I begin to see it in other people, but not before. But the amazing thing about this phenomenon, it happens almost immediately. Its like buying a new Honda Accord...and suddenly, you notice all the Honda Accords everywhere you look! Yet before, you never noticed them. Exactly that.

So when you said this: "I'm afraid that the answer is both. Both my husband and I carry the pains and frustrations of both the adhd and non-adhd partner in the book. Why? Because the term "non-adhd partner" would really be better described as "the partner dealing with a spouse who has adhd". That's both of us."  This caught my eye.

Even just isolating my X and I ( my last relationship ) What's true in what you said is both people may have had similar expwriences based their ADHD, but my education, treatment, therapy and ability "to see", far exceeded the place, my X was in, in dealing with, treating, and learning more about herself than I had done previous to us being together. I could "see" it in myself and her at the same time. I could see where she wasn't ready to hear about herself and where she needed to work. I could see how sensitive she was to being called out or having it pointed out where she may be "wrong". Being wrong, it appears to me now, is a big family issue in her unpbringing and family of orign.  Being wrong is and was a very big deal!  So admitting "wrong doing" in any way seemed to an impossible road block. Even just saying to me this morning that she may have some "baggage" to deal with was a huge admission on her part.

My take on all of this, including my own fanily of origin is less about the "baggage" abd more, what you've done to confront it and deal with it on your own. When talking about "baggage"....it's not a "we thing" and more of a "me thing" in context to what I'm saying. I feel like I'm better equipt at being in a relationship now, with anyone ...neurodivergent or neurotypical, it really doesn't matter. What matters more is if that person is in the same place as I am in everything I've learned and can see in myself.

 To this day, I think X and I are/were still very compatible and always were. What wasn't working was, she'd see herself in me, and she didn't like what she saw. She hadn't come to tge place yet when she could see it in herself and see it in me at the same time without the denial there holding her back. Being raised to never be "wrong" ...is part of her "baggage" that won't change unless she changes from that. Again, that's not a "we" thing...I had no control over that part.

My biggest pet peave currently is the "playing both sides of the fence."  I'm so keenly aware of it now, I can barely tolerate it when I witness it happening. If I had to name one thing that hits home harder than anything it's that. 

But, if you can't see it inside yourself first, then nothing seems to change until you do. I truly believe, this is universally true no matter what side of the fence you're on.