Hello,
I’m looking for some advice please regarding my partner who has ADHD. We have been together for 4 years and moved in together 1 year ago, in that one year she must have shouted at me to leave calling me all the names under the sun, and how I’m so useless, a bad boyfriend etc. At least 4-5 times I packed my things and left. A few days to a week later she messages and calms down and we work it out and I go back, I know myself this isn’t right I shouldn’t go back, but it’s difficult when you love someone.
Before I moved in she would do this every so often, I would get a message saying it’s too much then breakup then message some time after words. At times we would be watching a film or chilling out and she would just stare in to space stand up and walkout.
She can go from being the most loved up person to being cold, not very talkative and wants to be on her own a lot then she will complain I’m not showing interest, I can’t do right for wrong. She can bury her head in a book all day and when I read something on my phone she gets angry. We go out a lot for meals and little holidays in the country and then complains it’s not good enough after wanting me to book it.
I’m just looking for advice on what to do, and what’s happening here? I get with ADHD you can get overwhelmed etc but this seems excessive. I’m just looking for some advice on what to do or if anyone has had similar experiences. She refuses to get proper help or talk about treatment but it’s way out of hand to the point she can’t go in to work.
Any help would be grateful
Comments
Boundaries
"She refuses to get proper help or talk about treatment"
The only advise I'm willing to give is this one. After going thru what I just experienced with my ADHD girlfriend who said the same thing....even tho, her behaviors were different.
I'd put my foot down, and counter her boundary with your own that says : either you do this one thing for me, or I can't be with you.
The one thing of course is getting proper help and talk about treatment. That'd be my line in the sand at least.
Broken Up with by ADHD EX
Hi everyone i would like to just discuss what im currently going through and just wanted to see if I could get help.
Me and my partner been together for 2 yrs and it was the best 2 yrs for me and her. I made sure she was seen, heard and felt safe. I looked after her when ever she was down due to her depression, i made sure she ate and when there wasn’t food I would give her some, i gave her gifts as she used to never get any also handmade, I would always travel down to her (my parents thought it was one sided to begin with), I bought her family gifts n chocolates before, we are both in uni studying 2 different courses but I helped her pass her essay module when no one would help. Now I’m not saying i was the perfect bf as if she made me feel upset I would shutdown or sometimes i may annoy her by teasing her.
She was very clingy and heavily relied on me which i didn’t mind but it felt suffocating but I would never leave her because i always wanted to look after her and make sure she was alright and happy. Before she got into university she had no friends.
Once she got into uni she actually got friends and i was so happy for her but i started to feel unimportant but i didn’t know how to tell her without making it seem like she’s a bad gf so I would shutdown but with my shutdowns they only lasted a few mins because i never liked seeing her hurt so I would reassure her and let her know i love her.
One day it got to a point where i exploded. She kept making uni seem boring to me but she was having fun you know and she slowly started to drift away from me as in stop sending pics of her outfits or texting as much. During her final submission there was a day where i was telling her I didn’t want to talk to her today and she can go hang out w her friends. Her friends saw her said and stepped in so this is where the influence started to come in. Her friends don’t know the 3 yr history we have as i was her friend for a year then bf bf and gf for 2.
The friends got involved and pressured her to leave me and the messages i was getting wasn’t from her but from her friends. As she told me the whole situation effected her mental health, I was concerned for her as i know how bad it gets so I visited her unaccounced which lead me to be pushed away (while going through my own exam period).
I later found myself blocked and i went into no contact for 23 days and got blocked again.
I really want her back but i just don’t know what to do when she wants to listen to her friends.
What makes sense to you
I’m so empathetic about loving someone though knowing things aren’t right.
In the scenario you describe, with chaotic emotions in her, on and off behavior, no discernible logic, I believe you must decide whether this will all make sense to you over time. It’s probably very hard to live with long term, not to mention perhaps bringing children into it.
For myself, I’m finally deciding the behavior of several of my loved ones doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t stand it, however strongly attached to them I am. It’s now been several years of trying to break those bonds. It’s certainly lonely. I certainly miss them. Still, I know it’s right.
I’d advise to go for calmness in love. A feeling of security. An emotional landscape that makes sense to you.
J's advice is right on
I know it's hard to hear, but unless she gets some help for this, absolutely nothing is going to change for you and it's likely to get worse the more and more comfortable she gets treating you this way.
Next time you find yourself needing to leave the home is a perfect time. Something like "This time I'm not coming back until you start treatment for ADHD." Of course, you have to be prepared to stick to that.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
is it just ADHD?
my only expertise here is having a long marriage with a man with ADHD, and my daughter having a relationship with a woman with, it turned out, BPD. The latter was far more volatile and deliberately unkind. I don’t know this for sure, and a lot of what you describe is ADHD-y, the level of volatility and unkindless that you’re dealing with feels like the latter.
Look at your own health wellbeing and self esteem. How are they doing? Is the relationship contributing to them or degrading them?
What would your family or friends have to say about her if you told them all this? Do you avoid telling them?How close are you to defining this as emotional abuse?
Treatment is likely to give her more focus and make her less impulsive. Beyond that, it won’t change her underlying personality.
Abusive
This is abusive behavior; so, as honestly writes, it sounds like a few things are going on here. Talking with a counselor might help you decide how to move forward and be kind to yourself.