Three years now since I decided to leave my severe inattentive ADHD partner of two decades.
What strikes me now, several weeks into vacation mode, is how raw the pain still is. Mostly, I avoid thinking of him. But when I do, it’s clear the bond is nowhere near breaking. Essentially, I loved him, ADHD and all. Essentially, I would’ve wanted to stay with him.
One thing we seldom talk about on the forum is a kind of wisdom inherent in ADHD that has to do with the present. Our lives in this day and age are plagued by efficiency. I’m completely caught up in it, hustling work, family’s needs and the rest, trying to squeeze in recreational things to keep myself mentally afloat. What my ADD ex did was live lovingly and wholly in the present, and in the best of times I could join him there. I’ve never been happier since I was a child.
ADHD time blindness is a curse for their partner, who has to face external stressors with inconsistent support. At the same time, ADHD relationship with time seems like the answer to our cultural idiocy of being preoccupied with past and future. We’re never actually sovereign in the present, like a child.
I wonder if in another society, ADHD wouldn’t be an advantage. Look at you, J, living your best life outdoors.
Emotionally, spiritually, I can’t seem to break out of love for my ex, no matter how much he’s let me down, and what he’s cost me in health and confidence. It’s interesting to read about sociological thought on the present, and our collective inability to live in it, and what that on the other hand is costing us all.
Comments
Hi Swedish
Hi Swedish. Its been a while since i posted but you, along with others in this community, helped me. As always i agree with you. I too, four years later, am no real way to be better following the collapse of my marriage. The problems that persisted in the marrriage, didnt disappear. Yet he now lives his best life. New house, new job, new dog and finally therapy and medicine. Whilst telling me i brainwashed him for 18years. The cruelty is real.
Removing oneself from source of trauma
Elliej, it’s nice to hear from you, and thank you for validation. I’m sorry to hear you’re also still in reverberations of the marriage. For those of us who’ve sustained trauma, it doesn’t seem to be a quick recovery.
You describe your ex as outwardly thriving now. It sounds like he has no appreciation for your efforts.
I think men who’ve struggled with ADHD and accumulated comorbidities in the marriage try to offload their failures and shame onto us, their divorced wives. With some distance they then pretend they’re not dysfunctional. We’re the witnesses to their failures. Without us they try to resume a self-esteem.
On better days, I can whisk it all away as not personal. I’m just casualty to his condition. It’s not about me.
The lingering attachment to him, on the other hand, is something I’ve made. It’s a tapestry of my hopes, dreams and devotion. Though it’s painful to keep, as are the thousands of pieces of evidence he also loved and cared deeply for me, I’m trying to accept all these conflicting things are simultaneously true.
Which is why I don’t see him or talk to him and do a minimum of co-parent texting. Haven’t seen his new home or had contact with those who could bring news of him. Have no social media. I can’t bear to still be attached to a person whose reality I reject and whom I can no longer respect or trust.
Have you tried to get out of touch? Not to have any insights into his current life? Not hear any more of his (erroneous) convictions? They say for trauma, removing oneself completely from the source is a necessary step to heal.
"I wonder if in another society, ADHD wouldn’t be an advantage.
....Look at you, J, living your best life outdoors."
You've really opened up a huge topic Swedish...and one you should know better with me, unless you want a long response! Lol
I'll try to break this down the best that I can to address a few things you said. First however, I want to point out something that I see thrown out...and thats the term "best life". There's an assumption within that phrase, that implies everyone understands that to mean the same thing which I suspect, is not neccesarily true. And because I'm so unusual ( in some specific ways ) I don't assume for a minute, "most people" would think my current lifestyle would be best for anyone, including myself yet...I'm enjoying it ( at times ) immensly...but that is not without plenty of times ( at times ) I'm not struggling with things like loneliness, feeling depressed ( because I know so much ) and STILL grieving and processing the fact that X and I shared a rare chemistry...that has only happened a few times ever in nearly 70 years. I still miss that connection...and get depressed when I realized how rare AND imcompatible that was both....at the same time. On the emotional end of things....I miss her and don't miss her ( at the same time ) every day. Learning to live with this ambivence seems my only real choice to make. It gets easier ..but it never goes away. Knowing myself, I doubt it ever will.
On a different note. Time has become an interesting subject. What I'm experiencing is not what "most people" would put themselves, intentionally, in one of the remotest place in this country to live "their best life" but...I'm a little different in that respect...and what Im finding is interesting. Worth sharing at least.
You mentioned a different "society" ? How about a completely different "environnent", where time changes as a construct, and is based on other things. Keeping time isn't necessary to tell you "when" to do things. You don't need to know what time it is ever...it becomes irrelevant after a while.
And what I'm about to say has been said before about being in the "Now". For me, now is all the time! There is only now.
For context and example....just yesterday and this morning.
The spot I'm in has a hot springs pool that I use every morning as the sun comes up. I sit in it and watch the sky turn colors and listen to all the critters waking up ( or going home...cyotes were talking this morning ...time to end the hunt ). And three deer were moving thru the brush just after surise.
But I also have to deal with cattle which, I enjoy their company but their also really annoying especially the bulls. Yesterday morning, this new bull comes into the campground, displacing the old bull whos been wanting my spot at the top of the hill. Suddenly, I'm surrounded by about 40 head of cattle who followed this new bull into my camp!! And this new herd was causing havoc at the hpt springs trying to use it as a watering hole. What I'm saying is...this is happening "now" not at some scheduled time! Lol I spent my morning herd cattle and trying to get a stubborn bull out of my camp area. I finally had to get my shotgun out, and get behind this pesky bull and all the calves around him ...and yell and blast off a couple of shots into the air just to get him to move. I had to walk this entire herd into the next parcel of land first thing just to get this one bull from deciding this was his new spot for a while.
And when one tire went flat ( 150 miles away from a service station ) I had to fix it. Now.
And when lightning and wind storms hit...I have to put everythung away. Now.
The fact is....I have zero control of anything in my environment except for the cows !! I've discovered, I can just yell and make cow vocalizations ...with all BUT those bulls. Now I know where terms "bully" and "bossy" come from! Lol
And today, Im going to repair the damage they created at the hot springs. Because ( those darn cows ) trampled the drainage system folks have improvized...to keep the temperature and levels maximized. I have to do that ( now ) because the pools will overflow otherwise. That's next, before it gets too hot ( suppose to be 101° today of tommorrow.
The point. Time doesbt tell me "what" or "when" to do things. Everything is based of whats happening in the current moment...BUT....the current moment ( and conditions ) are constantly changing.
So basically, now is all there ever is. The key Im learning, is becoming better or learning to live based on these irrefutable conditions. Either you do or don't I suppose?
But again, I'm the odd man here, even to others who've Ive met ( here ) and are surprised to hear that for now....this IS my environment now. I'm not "outside"...I'm "inside" a healthy working ecosystem ....with cows added for extra entertainment. Don't get me wrong...I like the cows, except when they insist of sharing my space!
Exactly, and aren’t stressors of the now different?
J, I was hoping you’d share. Your vivid story of living with cattle today is spot on.
I believe depression that seems to be a hallmark of our time is often due to stressors being unconfined. Your bull problem is in the now, and when you’ve herded the animals off, you can relax.
Most people today don’t ever get to relax. Threats are constant and have to do with being liked or accepted or not, or having made the right choices or not. Our world is super complex and I actually don’t think our brains are designed to cope with it.
The ADHD and non universes that differ too much make many of us in ADHD-non marriages terribly stressed. Because it’s not about cattle stomping through the campsite anymore. It’s about nuance of speech at a parent-teacher conference last week. It’s about whom to invite to holidays. It’s about how to dress, where to live, what to cook, what music or pods to listen to, shaping the identity we want and the connections we desire. It’s about who takes the trash out, and who was disrespectful to another’s relative and made them embarrassed last year, whether it’s reasonable to accept help this time as opposed to last time, and who always buys the birthday presents. If you don’t feel your partner understands you in these small everyday things, and you can’t communicate well enough to bridge it, there is a gap. That gap can actually become frightening. Because our peace in a mundane setting depends on how safe we feel around other people.
Of course J I realize you also spend time like me, grieving and thinking about a relationship in the past for instance. It’s part of how we all function I guess.
But I congratulate you on the cattle experience in the now.
I’m trying to find the same presence with art these days.