I have been married to an, until last year, undiagnosed ADHD/OCD spouse. We have been together 31 years. Unbeknownst to me, when we got together, he was self medicating with alcohol. The person he was when I married him is the complete opposite of the man he is today and I find myself wondering how I ever got here. As he struggled to get his alcoholism under control, slowly but surely, the “real” him came out, along with all the ADHD symptoms. His only love language is physical and I became so tired of feeling like a blow up doll I have no interest in sex anymore. He is emotionally inept. He cannot read social cues or any of the typical signs of how I feel to the point I wonder if he is autistic. He doesn’t comprehend when he is being abrasive or cruel and I became so used to being treated poorly that it took a friend who had not seen us in a long time to point out how badly he treated me. If I complain in any form, I am told to be empathetic and quite frankly, I have been so empathetic to his plight that I have very little empathy left.
I know my marriage is no longer healthy (for me) and “acceptance” is the only word I can use to describe how non-romantic and distant it is anymore. My situation is very complex so divorce is extremely unlikely.
I need coping skills. Mantras to say when he is being abrasive and rude. Where is the line at which he needs to learn to become a kinder person vs me using every ounce of energy I have left to be empathetic? He talks to me like an authority figure talks to a peon. As his irritability rises, the more abrasive he gets. If I say anything to him about his behavior, he is in disbelief that he acts that way and then I find myself checking my sanity to see if I am crazy.
He is medicated but since he is an alcoholic, his medication options are very limited. The medication helps but does not bring him to a level at which he is comfortable to be around. I could go on and on. I am mainly here for community and support because I have also isolated myself due to feeling like I need any time away from him to recharge myself so I can “go back in” for my “next round” of being empathetic for him. I am burnt out. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Comments
samsies gurl, samsies
you definitely aren't alone in this. I'm in a very similar situation and I've found the following coping strategies to help for 'next round' - however I do want to caveat that I've been incorporating these strategies for the last few years but I can definitely tell it's catching up to me. It always will come out. our bodies keep the score and your body and mind WILL make some changes if you don't. And I mean that in regards to stress as well. We only have 1 life to live and I know it's hard to see now (I still struggle - see my latest post about having 'enough') but I can tell that my body/mind/spirit has had enough, I've done enough coping strategies, it's trying to get me some actual peace now.
Hmmm, funny, I didn't think I did that much but typing it all out.... I have done a ton! I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come and how I've coped with it all - but I do want to caveat it again: you can do this for only so long, it only buys you time. It's not a solution to a long term problem.
best of luck. i hope it helps.
Excellent advice
You just got some excellent advice above. I think that’s the best starting point, lifting your own spirits and making you ready for whatever decisions will follow.
I must say, if I hadn’t worked in the same fashion to nourish myself the last couple of years of the marriage, I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave my severe ADD ex. And I wouldn’t have stood through the terrible divorce period or the subsequent grief and trauma management that is now going on its second year.
Believe it or not, there is happiness to be had, even though a looming ADHD problem isn’t solved.