Forum topic: Building vs Re-building

"Art without intention is just an accident."

5 Days after separation. 

Things I've learned so far. I know there's poeple on this forum who are no longer with their ADHD partner. Instead of keeping these discoveries to myself...I think there's some value here that other could use.

Yesterday something happened ...that I made happen. I had to return for one last pickup of things left behind. When we parted the other night....I was left feeling ...not just kicked out ( with force ) but I was too exhausted by the urgent time table to come down from high alert status to even think about what I wanted.

What I didn't do before this...was push her to try and have an ending conversation. This proved to become the catalyst for something more profound than anything I had felt so far. It became a revelation and a realizing of where my loss truly lay. Especially since I've grieved the loss of her....I could quite place it...until a wave of tears overwhelmed me...seemingly coming out of left field and the light bulb ( more like a brilliant shining star ) illuminated a much deeper understanding of myself...than I have known before. In a matter of seconds.....I knew exactly what to say ...the next day, when I had the chance to say it. And I said it well. It's it's purest form, distilled down to its very essense....I knew what I wanted....from the tears I was in grief about. I communicated with her about coming over, I did the respectful thing,  and made an appointment...imcluding the heads up call...saying I was on my way. I did that for her...because I know her well enough...to now these things mean something to her. That was a total of 3 logistical texts...she only answered once....but that was okay.

When I arrived...the garage door began opening before I'd backed the trailer in. I was greeted by her...already in the garage....and I immediately read from her smile and demeanor....she was open...even for now. Open for her...is her normal baseline state. This was the person who I originally fell in love with....the moment of warmth caused my eyes to start watering but I pulled it together and started immediately getting busy at the task at hand. 

But when I asked how much time I had....it wasn't ASAP any more. She gave me almost 5 hours...with no sense of urgency only, that she had to go grocery shopping later. This became my opportunity to have a talk...but I knew exactly what I had to say. 

But before I had a chance....she invited me inside to show me some things I'd left. She had them neatly wrapped or in a box...and wanted to make sure I still wanted them. These weren't just items of mine....these were gifts from her, or things we bought together on vacations. They had sentimental value...above their intrinsic worth. And before I could say any more..the discussion turned to her artwork...saying she posted her newest painting on social media...but she blocked me...so I couldn't see it. I only said...."I wish I could see it."....she replied: "I unblocked you....so you can."

After only a short while...this interchange started to sink in. Since I arrived...she was giving....the direction had changed and it was apparent to me.....now was the time.

I walked in and asked if she had a moment...which she indicated she did. Without hesitation I started by saying..."I not any other guy you've been with...I'm not like what I've heard so let's get that off the table right from the start. I told her this:

"I started crying last night, and I didn't know why...then it occurred to me, and that' when my tears came flooding down my face. I new in an instant what it was.  You've told me stories of past relationships...many came from dating sites...so everyone's motives were clear.  I know I've been there ..and the norm is to start a romantic interest from day one . Many times....sex happens in a relatively short period of time.

With us. We didn't do that.  We were friends for two years online...then we started talking on the phone...for almost 10 months before we even met in person.  We were still friends....but something else occurred. We talked about our lives, our experiences and our deepest feelings about everything. You became more than just a friend....you entered a space that occupies a more sacred space...more like a family member...as well as a friend. In my world...that space is reserved for a very select few. Male or female....they all belong to one special group. But here's what my tears were really about. These poeple ( and her ) know more about me....and I them....than my own blood family members. I was NEVER....that close with any of them...as I am to you right now. I suddenly became overwhelmed with grief...because I thought I lost you as this special kind of friend. Where you say I love you openly...for the person they are....flaws and everything, the hurt and good and bad. You can be away from each other for years...and pick right up where you left off. ( my object constancy is apparently very strong ) These this sekect group of people...live inside my heart....I carry them all with me...and they never go away. I have so few of these left....I was afraid I'd lost you too ....in this way...That became unbearable  ( and repair now was mandatory )

( These are just the hard facts. There's no one to blame....there's only understanding. )

I finished by saying this: " I know how men are....I know that you've had enough to to know that keeping "hooks in" or "lines attachment " means they want something from you...even if they aren't saying it.

"I want nothing from you.....except by remaining to continue to be the friends we stared as. In that moment of grief....I thought I'd lost that too....and would be erased from your memory and in your heart.  That was the most unbearable thing of all....the loss of continuity as one of the few.. who inhabited that sacred space."

She didn't say anything at that moment. Her face was open....but with a look that said....I don't know what to say? " 

I just went back to cleaning up her garage to leave it as I found it when I first arrived. A few moments later....she came our with some cheese to snack on....and instead of monitoring me, and giving orders...she started helping me... and saying what she'd like to see done...and just leave the rest for her. She went back inside after a while...and I did more than she asked for. I left it looking better than I found it. She came outside once more...to bring me a bottle of Whiskey . It was a specialty kind...from Scottland. In its own fancy box. I knew she didn't go out and buy it....and most likely had it from her trip there. It had been opened and probably tasted....and I already know she doesn't like whiskey. But that's completely missing the point. That was a gift.... she was giving it as a gesture...without words.  This is who she is. She doesn't have a language that covers deep emotions so she does it in her Love language...."receiving gifts " and "acts of service."

I didn't miss that for a second. Coming out and helping....is an act of service. Giving me a special bottle she bought in Scotland...even opened....says more...than anything she could possibly give me.

When it was time to leave...she reminded me of her need for 3 months without contacting each other.  I told her I would honor that....and I absolutely will.

So... we're standing there infront of each other.... and that person was "regulated" and open....which sparked my urge to kiss her once goodbye...I could feel a flash of mutual attractio ... But I stopped....and restrained myself. Instead....I gave her a fist bump....which made her smile ..really big.

I saud I love you....in the way we just talked about. She hesitated and said in a reserved voice....I love you too...in that way.

So as I'm walking to my SUV and she pushed the automatic garage door to close....

She called to me at the last second and said

" Kelly, I'm your friend "

Not, I'll be your friend...( in the future )

It was an assertion,  with intention....in the now......"I" am your friend.

This was the moment everything changed.

This is how she says things....when she sure this is what she wants. 

I had to spell out all the conditions for her....the only thing left was left for her was a yes or no answer.

Yesterday....was about her giving and me receiving....and what she had to offer...and me being met in that place together. 

I felt vastly different this morning...being I didn't lose the most valuable thing to me....I just didn't know it until two nights ago.

Last thing I said ...back during our talk. I asked her "Do you know why I asked you to marry me? "  She said...."Hawaii?" ( no that's where!! Lol  ...I didn't say that part  )

I said....what I just told you...your closer to me than my own family was/is. You'r  one of the few....that stay in my heart forever.

That really is the reason ....it was just a feeling then....but it was more important than sex. I even said "well it wasn't for the sex...."

I just had to throw than in. She didn't flinch....because it only reinforced every I had said.

In the aftermath.....I feel settled. Thers nothing more I wanted to say.

J