Husband’s business has not been profitable for 5 years but he continues to believe it will be if he just puts more money into it and tries different ideas. He is now taking a portion of our investment accounts to support his business, without a word to me, as he feels it is “his” money since much came from his parents’ estate distribution. Since he will no longer speak with me about this matter, we are scheduled for Family Mediation in mid-September. I have no idea how long I am going to last like this. Apparently he took $50,000 out in July (I just found out since statement came) and plans to take at least that much over next 2 years ($50,000 a year) - this is more than I make annually at my job!
To me, the Family Mediation is a last ditch effort to save our relationship (44 years) but I feel as if he is doing very little to do the same. It is almost as if he is an addict who cannot stop himself from doing the same thing over and over. I feel as if the end is near and I just have to hold on and be authentic to myself, but it is not easy when you feel someone is taking full advantage of you. How does one take the high road when you are being treated so poorly?
Comments
Not that it really matters,
Not that it really matters, but what kind of business needs $50k of investment 2 years in a row? After 5 years of being in business, if you’re not profitable, it’s probably time to move on. And yes, this sounds like an addiction. Which is the hyper focus that happens with ADHD; but the difference here is that he won’t even discuss this with you. Kudos to you for going to family mediation. I wish you the best.
RockandAHardPlace
Mediation is last resort
Family Mediation still scheduled for September 14. Tried to speak to husband today but as usual he is not ready to discuss anything, and claims that since we usually end up in an argument (his opinion), it is better to just do mediation. I resent all discussions being labeled as an argument just because I do not agree with his views.
I have made my best effort over the past month to not check in with him on anything nor ask him to complete anything complicated or time sensitive. He continues to work 7 days a week, takes no concentrated time off from work, ignores his health issues, and never gets adequate sleep since he falls asleep on sofa during news/other shows every single night.
I just need to realize this is the reality he is comfortable with - having someone do much of the household work, financial management of household, groceries, cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Despite his protestations to the contrary, this is the truth. After 42 years of marriage, I am shocked and saddened that he is able to blind himself to his own behavior and not even make an effort to see what his behavior does to our relationship. All this while my 96 year old mother continues to deteriorate in assisted living facility; at least I can sleep since there are nurses available 24/7 for her care. I now wake at 3 AM most mornings, trying to review what I have not done in this relationship. It is hard to let go when I constantly feel as if I should have done more.
You’ve overworked
Neuchatel, every piece of information you’ve given tells me you have done absolutely everything in this marriage, including holding it together. It’s an overworked partners belief they’ve let something slip, haven’t done enough. I recognize the feeling wholeheartedly, but the feeling has nothing to do with reality.
ADHD passivity is pathological. Your husband is perhaps not aware of it, but he’s using you in the most immoral way. There’s no excuse for burning out a person who has provided love and support for decades, no matter if the ADHD person in their lack of self-awareness believe the problem is they’ve married a nag.
It’s all completely unfair.
Upholding a household for this man is not your responsibility anymore, by any moral standards. Do you have a friend you could stay with for a couple of weeks?
I’m only hoping you can create some justice for yourself.
Support is VERY much appreciated!
Swedish Coast - I truly appreciate your comments and kindness. I realize I am the type of person that tends to second guess certain decisions and this is definitely the same situation. While I have not always brought my best self to the relationship, since February I have been making a significant effort to do so. The last couples session with our therapist was horrible as husband did nothing more than complain about all I do (critical every minute of every day), and made no effort to discuss his behaviors. I have come to the realization that I can no longer live in a fantasy that husband will make the effort and change. It is exceedingly sad after so many decades together.
It may be easier to just leave, but we have a 12 year old dog with complex medication needs and I know husband would not be capable of taking care of her (when I leave she will go with me).
To top it all off, husband has progressive neuromuscular disease that he is literally ignoring (doctors have recommended PT, AFO braces, lymphedema therapy, etc.). He uses a walker in and out of the house. Even with the walker, he is frequently on the verge of falling. He has lived with this condition since early childhood and tends to brush it off as he “knows how to fall.” All it will take is one bad fall for him to be in a wheelchair.
I will look forward to mediation on September 14, knowing that hard decisions are to come but that I am strong enough to take steps to ensure my future is better. I am grateful I am still working 3 days a week as it gives me an opportunity to be out of the house as well as save for my future.
Care
I too had problems deciding to quit my former caring responsibilities. It seemed irresponsible, even dangerous. Once I let go, it suddenly wasn’t. It was self-preservation. Once on my own, I experienced the accumulated exhaustion of years of overachieving for the benefit of others. Then, it became clear just how damaged my health was.
Later, my trauma psychologist said to go forward in life avoiding these arrangements, where everyone relies on my care, like the plague.
Date, she said, but hide your caring tendencies or you might attract another soul-sucker.
Though not dating now, I keep it in mind.
And also, given your difficult time in life, caring for a chronically sick pet might be too much. Pets are luxuries for those who have extra resources. Not for me. If a houseplant survives my post-divorce years, it’s a miracle. I desperately need to listen to and prioritize my own long-forgotten needs, and from what you’re sharing I’d guess you’ll need that, too.
Caring so much is hard
I do comprehend what you are saying about caring and not doing the same for ourselves. Fortunately, I am the type of person who is so organized and detailed that once all is set up, it really is not too much to handle. Over the course of the past 9 years, husband and I have been intimately involved in care and oversight of our 4 elderly parents (Mom at 96 is only one remaining). Of course, this has taken a toll on both of us.
I have owned dogs since I was very young, so I will gladly care for my 12 year old dog despite any health issues she may have.
I am now attempting to care more for myself as well. I am continuing to clean out items that will not be used (from current house) and evaluate what I really want for the future. It will look very different from what I have now. Thanks for the reminder that I am worth it too!