it's been a while since I've posted but there's been 2 statements that are swirling around for me lately that I needed to put out there to this community as I'd love some support on them (even if it's in favour of my adhd-spouse and helps me see a new side)
The first, I went to see Oprah live in the country I live in. It was magical. Everything I needed to hear, see and experience. So many golden nuggets were said, but specifically around capacity: "If you are a 10-gallon person stop lookin for a 10-gallon response from a pint-sized person". I need to recognise what someone can give rather than focusing on what they cannot.
Capacity.
The second, I was speaking with my husband and son recently and the conversation went completely off topic - as it usually does - and I was quiet. I've been trying to use a bit of grey-rocking technique and not get myself caught up in the 'oh look! A squirrel!' things that happen (e.g. my husband gets distracted mid conversation and doesn't realise the non-consensual train ride he takes me on) on a continuous basis. But in this instance, I commented that this situation is like living with an 'Indoor Tornado' - and my husband kinda cracked up at that analogy and didn't really seem to be bothered by it. He appeared to find it funny or maybe endearing?
Either way = chaos.
And I didn't really sign up for this type of chaos to be honest, it's what is given to me because 'that's just the way I am/it is'.
Taking those two words together, they've been swirling around so much for me lately. My spouse does not have capacity. For me. At least I don't feel like he has any or enough or sufficent enough capacity for me, or for life in general. He wakes up, white knuckles it and then heads to bed. Rinse. Repeat next day. All the while, if I do ask him to step into something, or if he takes charge - great - but I wait for the other shoe to drop. I've stopped having hope or any type of expectation that the task will get completed. Sometimes, I'm surprised, which is nice, but I find it hard to really celebrate that. I'm sure my husband is tired of feeling less-than. I genuinely feel bad for him on a daily basis because if I had to live with his brain and the way it operated, I can understand how much of a struggle it must be, but life has to be lived and we have responsibilities and committments and he just isn't up to par.
And I am not sure what to do with myself in the lack of capacity and the overwhelming amount of chaos.
To be honest, I might not need to 'do' anything. This might be one of those times I just need to let it ride out. Last night I brought up something that was bothering me and it was a big deal - it was concerning our family and I needed reassurance. But as usual, he got defensive and dismissive. It's just such a struggle to even BE around him, just in his presence. My nervous system has been shot and no amount of meditation or breaks will sort this because I wake up in, live in it and get a breather only if I head into the office, or take on all the responsibilities on my own (which I'm doing anyways) for very basic needs: eating, sleeping, moving my body, etc.
And by 'ride it out' I don't mean put my head in the sand and hope everything works out. It's acknowledging it for myself (radical acceptance! I hate it! But know it's good for me!), naming it and then moving THROUGH it instead of trying to fix it. We have a big task to do today as a married couple. It has to get done, but it's frustrating that when his triggers are at play (which is all the time it feels like) I have to constantly side-step the chaos and make sense of the lack of capacity.
It's a struggle for sure.
