Forum topic: Different levels

Can relate so much to this you describe, an ADHD spouse white-knuckling it every day. It’s easier to remember to be compassionate when it’s obvious. Mine tended to mask, not showing his true emotions to me or the children or anyone. But he was completely miserable and also incapable of changing anything.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I too want you to thrive… 

Off the Roller, you've said a few things that resonate and I have some thoughts of my own, in attempting to tie these things together.

But first, I want to mention Kelsey Pheldner, the 31 year old woman who is about to break ALL !!! World Records ( for men and women ), rowing across the Pacific Ocean to Hawaii. 

* I bet she would go beyond precited here on this forum...and she's gone one better, beating all comers...beating the fastest mens record by about a week.

So just now, when she's in sight of her goal, she finally mentions the these records saying, she wasnt sure, but she felt she could go faster than these world record times and she's proven it now, yet, she wasn't talking about it before. She didnt want to jinx it, athelete supertition... I get that.

My frustration in watching this entire event is the narrative that kept getting pushed in the news or by conments made by poeple watching her. The pervasive attitude was: "oh no! I hope you make it !! I hope you survive!! I hope you make it alive !! Row to shore Kelsey...you can make it !! " 

Meanwhile....this elite athelete didn't seem a bit concerned that she wasn't going to "make it" or just "survive", despite what public opinion or popular narrative was saying....now, as it finally comes out, her eye was "on the ball" the entire time, and setting a new world record WAS what she was thinking, and using as her goal and motivation during this event....not just "surviving"...but being the fastest person to do this event EVER !   And she succeeded in doing just that.

And part of me betting she would, came from her attitude ( and intuition )....it wasn't just a guess.

"What do you do with thr above information when it hits you like a ton of bricks that you don't want to do the next 20 years like this??? "

My advise is....don't do the next 20 years like you did, and do something different. 

Currently, despite: others opinions, fears, under estimating me and much misunderstanding...

Every day now for me is surving extreme weather, logistics, finding food, gas, water and basic neccesities. My full time job IS surviving now....and I love every minute of it. So far, I love every day being outdoors in these remote natural settings. There's been only a couple of brief "white knuckle " moments, but when "surviving " becomes you're job, and you become adept at doing it....it no longer is something you fear and something you look forward to. When that happens, it starts to be fun and enjoyable...when youre skills exceed the demands made on you, it feels rewarding every day. 

I thought about what you said about your husband ...."white knuckling" ...just "making it" through each day. That sounds similar to this narrative the media kept pushing on Kelsey Pheldner ...."I hope she makes it !?!? ".

One of the best pieces of advise or wisdom passed onto me by my original therapist said: "your entire day is not guarenteed to be "good". There'll be moments when it won't be very good, moments of indifference and moments when you'll feel elated and joyful....all in the same day."

And thats exsctly what happens ( for me at least ) every single day. Especially what I'm doing now, where you dont always have control of everything around you. I'm constantly having to fix little things, get bitten by bugs, have extreme weather changes and things "go wrong" every day. But at the same time...I'm experiencing amazing new things and learning how to "do it better" every day. The amount of joyful moments....are far more often every day as well,  compared to when my life was "easier" and I didn't have to work so hard just to get my basic needs met. 

At least so far, the benefits are outweighing the costs...but not without some effort. Im not trying to set any world records...but I am doing something different than I ever have before and I'm really enjoying it so far.

All I can say to ..." you don't want to do the next 20 years like this???"

Don't do that, and do something different. That's on you to decide the "what" part.  It has nothing to do with your husband ( or what he does or doesn't do ) 

Your post is so honest and I appreciate you sharing. You need to decide for yourself if you want to keep living the status quo in your relationship or choose yourself and go on a different path.   You deserve to live your life in a fulfilling way for yourself.  We only get one chance to live it!  

I am in the same place as you are in my thought process.  I won't tell you what to do, as it's a personal decision.  

I've read books, asked questions, saw a therapist, and approached my partner about his symptoms/behaviors. I've come to the realization that he is perfectly happy the way he is, sees no issues with his behavior, and is a content passenger in our relationship while I drive. I asked for support, but was met with dismissal.  I asked him to see a therapist or take ADHD medication on weekends to no avail.  Over time, I realized that I was managing the kids, the house, and my partner while putting myself last.  I became bitter, angry and overwhelmed.  Then I took my rose colored glasses off and saw the situation for what it was and gained clarity.  I, like you, have become more pleasant and less confrontational, which is making him happy and content.  

Sadly, I too have shut down as far as him and our marriage as well. I did some research and found out I am experiencing most of what they call a "silent divorce".  Over 20+ years our union has now ended up here. I do not want be in this dynamic for the rest of my life. Once I knew that for myself a few years ago, I've had a flexible plan. I decided to position myself to be financially independent, focus on reconnecting with my friends, go out alone to recharge, start a private diary to get my thoughts out, and quietly research how to get my affairs in order in the event I need to uncouple. I'm not ready to yet, but I want to be prepared.  My partner is a wonderful person, but I've grown and I want to thrive and not exist.  

I hope by sharing where I am in my similar journey, some of it will resonate with you.  Hopefully you get some ideas to refocus on yourself.

We are all here to support you and each other!

Ironically, today marks 10 years on this forum for me.  Unfortunately we can no longer read one another's historic posts here so l'll just say that things don't change unless the ADDer wants to put in the time and effort to manage their condition. Over the years everything was tailored to accommodate his needs and likes because it avoided arguments.  We had a typical adhd homelife w me working and caring for the kids and the home while he complained, threw up roadblocks, diminished me and the kids, ruined holidays and special events, etc.  After 40+ years I can tell you unmanaged adhd gets worse.  We live separate lives.  I no longer plan activities or concern myself with his happiness or interests.  I have friends and follow my own path without including him. In   the past he has embarrassed me in front of friends so I will never give him the opportunity to do it again. 

So, what to do with your new realization...?  If you are considering ending things I would like to suggest you start planning so you are ready when you have had your limit.  Talk with a divorce attorney to find out how to prepare financially and find out things to avoid .  It may be years until you split but you will be preparing behind the scenes.  You must accept that you cannot change him or control him and accept that what you see is what he wants to be. Once you accept this you will start to see him and all he has to offer, whether it's love and peace or endless chaos and discord. 

I was not able to divorce and you may not be able to, or even want to, but you cannot expect anything different if he isn't dedicated to his mental health.  You have to change your life while letting him live his.  He likely won't like the change when you put yourself first but he can take it or leave it.. he accepts your boundaries or you're gone.  You have to force his hand since he is comfortable with mediocrity and status quo. Go live adventures and try new things without him.

On a sad note, research indicates that people with untreated adhd have nearly 3X the risk of getting some form of dementia.  Unfortunately I see signs in my spouse now.  If I am honest, I feel cheated that I put up with all his chaos and his lack of engagement for all this time and now, when i am no longer running from task to task, his mind is fading away. 

So you shut down emotionally, and he prefers it. This really tracks with my experience- any emotional response of mine at all, including to things most human beings would consider highly emotionally charged (including childbirth), was considered too big. Shutting down is, it seems, what is required of us, because an emotionally shut down spouse ceases to put any demands on them at all. It’s bleak. 

I hope for you the shut down is a phased withdrawal, a step towards becoming more alive elsewhere- allowing yourself to be whole in other ways that have nothing to do with your partner. I honestly believe that if it is possible to get out, practically speaking, you should give it sound consideration. I’m so far separated not divorced, living on less than half the income we had together, with a rather shaky looking pension situation, and no guarantees re the final settlement. I would take this any day over living with him. At least now the bank account doesn’t empty itself on his selfishness, and he can no longer volunteer me to do favours for his friends, or decide on a whim we are doing something I really don’t want to do. 

More importantly I can feel my feelings now. He can’t invalidate them anymore. And that feels amazing.