Forum topic: Hope for reconciliation?

Sorry your relationship ended and he doesn’t want to work on the ADHD/non-ADHD issues.

The only advice I have is to keep out of touch with a person who’s broken up with you. I recently tried to be friends with my high school sweetheart decades later, and it ended painfully. It quickly turned out neither of us were feeling friendly so much as deeply bonded, jealous, and terrifyingly vulnerable to each other, and neither of us could handle it. Even after 30 years!

You’re probably reading him right and he does love you, but love without commitment is seldom enough. I know, it doesn’t make any emotional sense to walk away from deep connection, but sometimes it’s still the better choice.

Wishing you all the best. 

I met my ex first wife when she decided to contact me after that long. We talked for about one month over the phone and I thought: " we could just be friends ? "

Within 10 minutes ( when we physically re-met )  I knew it was a mistake. She hadn't changed ( one micro-fraction of an inch ) while I had changed dramatically !!

When I first met her, she was 25 years old and even then, she was pretty one dimemsional. Add twenty seven ( chronological years )..and the situation was almost intolerable. 

I spent the rest of our time together, figuring out how and when to leave. ( "now"...was not soon enough !! ) lol 

if your ADHD symptoms are the issue for him, and he doesn’t want to take that on, that’s entirely understandable and IMHO he deserves respect for setting that boundary and knowing himself well enough to do so. To pretend otherwise would be unfair on you, and lack integrity. I’m not sure him   ‘needing to hear’ anything is the right approach - imho you should work on yourself, get your symptoms under control. If you can get medication and therapy and take responsibility for yourself and your symptoms, then you become an exciting prospect, rather than work he’d have to take on. 

glitched and saved twice

Houseplant73, I think this is a good question to ask yoyrself. What would you be going back to and why would you in the first place? What is it about your relationahip ( or him ) that would makes it worth the effort.the work to be with him?

I can share my own thoughts and feelings about this from a recent experience, and an   emotional couple of days I've had.

A little back story to get anyone reading this up to speed. Ill try to stay on the heighlights or it could get long ! ( par for the course ).

After spending a week and a half on a desert playa, experienced torrential down pours, lightning, where the concussion shook my body and weather extremes that were both exciting and challenging, the playa surfaced dried up and I was able to move to my next temporary home. This is the first time, that I found an ideal spot in what I was hoping to find. 

I woke up at dawn, and decided to get in the natural hot springs at this location. This place is as remote and undiscovered as you could possibly imagine even though, they do have a handful of picnic tables and fire pits scattered around and one pit toilet. It's only a short drive to the Nevada border from Oregon ( where I am ) but this area is true, arid, dry desert. The only viable living around here looked like cattle ranching and minerals ( mining ). Other than that, its just nature at its finest.

Yesterday for example, I spent exploring a bit. There's natural cold springs here too...with large ponds surrounded by Cat Tails and think green vegitation. There are hundreds of birds everywhere! If you were a bird watcher, this place is heaven. I spent hours yesterday, watching Northern Harriers hunting and flying around the marshy grassland areas until the sun went down. I climbed a ancient volcanic remnant that jutted up from the desert floor like a pointed hat. No technical stuff, just a little scramble and crawling at the top. 

The views around here outrageous...the beauty everywhere you look is surreal. There's birds talking non stop, cows mooing in the distance, I found native american obsidian nappings ( remnants of arrow head making ) scattered everywhere which shows this spot has been used by people for 10,000 years or more.  

And then there's the hot springs, which have been created by people years ago, using rocks to create two pools. Theyre big enough for probably 10 poeple ... one very hot ( perfect gym jaccuzzui temp ) and one thats like a hot swimming pool.

 Getting up and watching the sunrise ( alone ) in a hot mineral spring listening to the birds and just floating there is an experience Ive never had. Its an incredbible feeling, and it makes you feel alive! It also felt great to get really clean and all the dust and dirt off for a change. My pount being, Ive found the pwrfect spot for a while. This is truly what I "envisioned ", to the point, it exceeded my expectations. All my needs are being met, and its a comfortable, calming place to relaxe and just be.

The day before was my x's birthday. I screwed up last month...thinking it was then ( the number ).  I ended up follwing through with my original plan, and sent her a ( virtual ) maple bar ( picture ).  She responded back and thanked me for the birthday wish. We chatted a bit, and I asked what she was doing. She was painting and wanted my opinion of what she was working on. Later, on social media, I saw and read a few birthday posts to her from friends and family.

 In the responses, she posted a photo of a place she always goes on her birthday. I went there with her myself, as it's her "usual spot" on her birthday. I suspect, she provabably is not alone, in context to the comments and some guarded comments made.

What caused me to feel grief this time, was not the idea that there may be someone else in the pucture ( a replacement ). Her birthday represents ( for me ) the early times that are the precious memories. The times when I believed something that turned out, not to be true. During this "ignorant bliss" stage, I was full of hope, joy, and feeling as though....I had just been given a gift. To have somehow, not by my initiation, found this woman that I was not only attracted to in every way, but she appeared to feel the same as I did? Go figure? She appeared, we got together, and I could not have been happier.  Those moments, like her birthday, were all very exciting and new for me....not unlike right now, in my desert Oaisis discovered. But as time went on, I realized I quite possibly had found a match ( which fir me is almost unheard of ) in that, I had found someone who I never got tired of looking at or hearing her voice. That just her company was enough, no matter what we did together. I truly believed, that I had found the right person as we shared so much in common ..except, how we felt about each other. Her feelings changed ( for me ) where mine never really did until her treatment towards me became obismal and intolerable at the end.

Revisiting those lovely memories again, has given me a different perspective. It made me sad to think of her with someone new ( being replaced ) but it also caused me to reflect on my grief. It not "her" I'm grieving now. Its the loss of the belief.

 I believed I could share that rare chemistry ( the needle in the haystack ) with her over the long term, and the future I imagined the two of us might build together. She wasn't wasn't "perfect", "too good to be true" or even my "soul mate" in that respect. But she did have that rare ( for me ) combination, that Ive only experienxed a a few times ever. 

What made her rare, was the chemistry...but for her, that appeared to be more temporary...then it shifted to something different. Different in a way, that is simply not sustainable for her.

But whats more notable, is now ( seeing her in context ) is she hasnt changed from her pattern. I'm immediatly reminded of her pattern....and shes just repeating it with the next guy in line. It does make me sad, that someone else is experiencing her during this first stage, but the pattern doesn't change. Even the location is the same...year after year after year. And even in the few momoments of chatting with her....there I was, acting as "validater" for her art work. I fet those "roles" creeping right back in. 

And the last thing she said was, she was going to go take a nap. She took a nap, the first day I arrived as I recall...where I had to leave the house and go have a beer alone ...so I wouldn't wake her. And I just got there!

Her need for control and things "staying the same" are even more apparent to me now. Same place for her birthday ...every year, no matter who is with her. Her schedules, comfirt zones, painting, contant need for validation and unhealed trauma...combined with a severely enmeshed family dynamic ( including toxic family members ) ...means to me. 

Nothing has changed or ever will change ..if I were to go back. She may change "persons" to fill this spot she has in her personal play...but the pattern doesnt appear to change what so ever. I watched ( and experienced ) each stage play out exactly as scripted right to the end. 

If, and I'm not even suggesting this is an offer, but if it were... I don't see any change. This is just the exact same cycle repeating itself..and my "place" in that cycle, would be the same as well.  

Id ask the question of you Houseplant? What would likely be returning to if you reconciled?

 I would be overwhelmed if I had that early, unsustainable X, here with me now. The problem is the pattern, and it was never sustainable. That's the loss or grief I was feeling yesterday. I believed something...at that time...that simply wasnt true. It was ignorant bliss, and it was real for me for a time.

I now do not believe it was true. I dont expect anything of that nature ( or chemistry ) ever happening again but ....that doesn't stop me from having equally rewarding experiences in other ways. I've let go of the notion, that I have to have ( anyone ) to do the things I love doing. I'm no longer "on hold" because the person I'm with can't ( or won't ) share these things with me.

I have to say....watching the sunrise while sitting in a hot springs in the middle of no where is an experience ( for me ) that would be pretty hard to beat. It would be nice to share it with someone, but it's completely unnneccsary at the same time.