The new psychologist now echoes the first, saying I have complex PTSD after ADD marriage and subsequent divorce. I don’t know if that’s comforting (validating) or disempowering (can one ever move on from this?).
All I know is that in the last two weeks, I’ve passed an exam for continuing education, spent three days at a congress, applied to a new (terrifying) job and been to an interview for it, and written with a man on an online dating service every day. All the while feeling exhausted, helpless, dissociated and anhedonic like before.
Apart from blushing at the interview, mixing up people at the congress and claiming to a full dinner table a picture of a giraffe was a zebra, I think I’ve managed rather well. People have been kind to me.
So here’s the point: it’s worth trying things out, even if it makes me look ridiculous.
At the moment I don’t know if I can stand the current workplace, or dare try the new one, if I’ll ever be truly interested in a man again, or be clingy if this one fades out, if I’ll be able to stay in my home, or ever reconnect with family in a good way. It’s like all ends have come loose at the same time.
But during ADD marriage, truly there were no other options than sitting tight. There could be no ventures into the unknown. Perhaps the confusion of having options is actually the best thing that’s happened in a long time, even if there’s little emotional reward yet.
