I tried to post once already so sorry if it duplicates.
I’m struggling with the harm my ADHD ex is doing to our son when he visits. Both kids are young adults and leaving for college soon. Their dad visits every weekend and each time it’s an emotional setback for my son.
Despite my efforts, and my son pouring his heart out recently to him recently about the effects of his parenting style, his dad (dx ADHD, suspect AuDHD, poss NPD) cannot seem able to engage or improve. His behaviour is disengaged, patronising, unsupportive and often rude. My son feels that the visits are performative - empty attempts to look and feel like a good dad whilst doing nothing to actually connect. Despite having almost nothing to do with them when he visits, just sleeping eating watching tv, their dad continues to want to visit, and is now talking to the kids about visiting frequently when they are at University, which horrifies them both.
My son is torn; the relationship is harmful to him. It reinforces the damage done by inattentive fathering throughout his childhood. He’s done so much work and got so much more secure and confident; seeing his dad erodes that. He talks now about estranging himself completely, even changing his name. But it’s a big step.
I know the value of talking to this man (zero; you get darvo’d) but there remain benefits of being in touch with your dad - surely? He earns twice what I earn, to be cynical (the direct and obvious benefits of hyperfocus, with me left to pick up the domestic load). And maybe something can be achieved, things can improve - or is this toxic hope? I want to support my son but really do not know what might be best. I have certainly benefited enormously from cutting the man out of my life, am immeasurably happier, healthier, more secure. But it is one thing to lose a husband, another entirely to lose a father.
Any help? X
