I tried to post once already so sorry if it duplicates.
I’m struggling with the harm my ADHD ex is doing to our son when he visits. Both kids are young adults and leaving for college soon. Their dad visits every weekend and each time it’s an emotional setback for my son.
Despite my efforts, and my son pouring his heart out recently to him recently about the effects of his parenting style, his dad (dx ADHD, suspect AuDHD, poss NPD) cannot seem able to engage or improve. His behaviour is disengaged, patronising, unsupportive and often rude. My son feels that the visits are performative - empty attempts to look and feel like a good dad whilst doing nothing to actually connect. Despite having almost nothing to do with them when he visits, just sleeping eating watching tv, their dad continues to want to visit, and is now talking to the kids about visiting frequently when they are at University, which horrifies them both.
My son is torn; the relationship is harmful to him. It reinforces the damage done by inattentive fathering throughout his childhood. He’s done so much work and got so much more secure and confident; seeing his dad erodes that. He talks now about estranging himself completely, even changing his name. But it’s a big step.
I know the value of talking to this man (zero; you get darvo’d) but there remain benefits of being in touch with your dad - surely? He earns twice what I earn, to be cynical (the direct and obvious benefits of hyperfocus, with me left to pick up the domestic load). And maybe something can be achieved, things can improve - or is this toxic hope? I want to support my son but really do not know what might be best. I have certainly benefited enormously from cutting the man out of my life, am immeasurably happier, healthier, more secure. But it is one thing to lose a husband, another entirely to lose a father.
Any help? X
Comments
What a difficult question
Honestly, I truly can’t envision a best option here. So sorry your son doesn’t fare well with his father, and that being fatherless might be a vulnerability too.
Can there perhaps be a change of scenery instead of a complete distance? If their father visiting on weekends doesn’t agree with your young ones, perhaps he could take them someplace instead? Especially if he has money and could pay for trips, hotels, entertainment?
I’ve found sometimes dynamic can shift for the better when socializing is not on anybody’s turf but in neutral terrain. Sometimes thoughtless guests who contribute nothing can turn into more active participants if they lose the setting of habitual complacency.
Just a thought.
that's a really good idea
Thank you, Swedish. That's really helpful and hopeful. Things should naturally evolve that way, too, once the kids are out of the family home. So there could be a natural improvement on that basis.
I can really relate to this.
I can really relate to this. As our daughter got older, her relationship with her ADHD dad worsened more and more. He just wasn't able to be the parent she needed him to be and the older she got, the more she could see it. When we separated, he visited on weekends. It was hit and miss whether visits were positive or did more harm. Like your son, she felt like he didn't care very much about her and most visits were unfulfilling and even hurtful. (I'm guessing based on your post that my daughter is around the same age as your son is.)
Since then, my ADHD ex-husband has passed away. I can tell you first hand that what special moments they did share now mean a great deal to our daughter and we underestimated how important they were when he was here. There were a lot of hard times caused by his ADHD and that is very complicated for both of us to grapple with now, but we both now remember the rarer positive moments so clearly and I'm really glad we had them. She wishes so much that she had more time for more of those moments, despite the negatives.
I wonder if your son could ever find a place between cutting his dad out completely and letting his dad run the show when it comes to interaction (visit frequency, duration, (lack of) activity/connection).
Having said that, your son is an adult and if he'd feel more at peace without the relationship, he knows himself best and it doesn't have to be a permanent decision either. Maybe it's just what he needs right now.
For us, with the unfortunate hindsight we have now, we would have moved mountains to keep him in our lives in some capacity... for the positives.
Thank you
1Melody1, thank you. That's pretty much what i'm concerned about- my son's future regrets. He does try to talk to his dad to improve things; they do get along better when there is some specific thing they're engaged in. I think there's just this aching hole of 'why can't he be better'; but then, when they're gone, however bad they were, they were your dad. Thank you. I'll try chatting to the lad about both these comments, for which I am very grateful. x