Hello Everyone,
I am coming to this forum in hopes that those with experience in this topic may have some helpful advice. My BF (undiagnosed but assumed ADHD/avoidant attachment) and I have been together for 8 years and have lived together for most of them. He is in his late 30’s and I in my early 30’s. I want to start by saying how much I love and adore this man. He is genuinely a great person - smart, loving, funny, hardworking and more I could go on. The issue arises when there is any form of intense stress or conflict. He has not been formally diagnosed (but has agreed to an appointment with a psychiatrist which is a big step) there have been several immensely stressful events happening in his life (Home renovations, a sick family member, an intense work schedule) I have on my part tried to help him in logistical ways like mowing the lawn while he is at work, doing his laundry, etc. my help seems to only make him more stressed or feel guilty. I believe I have been more adaptive to his attachment style and learning that he needs space. He shuts down completely at times and we will not speak for days while living together. I used to take it more personally (at times I struggle and still do) but for the most part I understand it’s his nervous system. Currently he is pretty deactivated towards me and depressed. I feel helpless as I want to help him and I try my best not to let me own anxiety show or to bother him. If we are assuming he is adhd what are ways that those who suffer from these same issues start to feel better? Is it complete and total silence from their partner or just sitting quietly in the same room etc. I don’t want to do the wrong thing and push him further. This has happened before a few years ago but the shut down feels more severe now. Any help is appreciated.
Comments
Your self-care
Sorry to hear your partner is struggling.
I’ve lived something similar. Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can make a person spiral into depression, anxiety and burnout, and it’s apparently often triggered by external stressing factors like major life changes.
What the caregivers told me to do, once my ex husband’s hidden symptoms were recognized (we originally sought out a couples therapist for relationship trouble, and she quickly identified his deep depression and suspected ADHD, which was correct), was to get myself some life quality elsewhere.
A partner of somebody with psychiatric illness may easily get their entire existence disrupted. If you’re empathetic, you might focus more on your partner’s feelings, but you will help them the most by doing things to keep yourself as happy as possible.
It’s counter intuitive, certainly. But the advice I got (stay out of the house, go out of town alone to see friends, take up golf, take an evening art class, go for walks every night with local dog owners!) was excellent.
Prevent your own depression by indulging into every aspect of self care you can get your hands on. It will benefit the relationship most, because you won’t burn out but hopefully preserve your tender feelings for him. That would be my suggestion.
His issues you cannot solve. He will have to address them himself.
Thank you very much for these
Thank you very much for these suggestions they all seem like a great idea and I will continue to try and do my own hobbies more often to give him more space and take my mind off of it all. I currently try to go the gym each day after work and on weekends I try to occupy my time with friends/hobbies.
A follow up question
Another thing I noticed is while he is not deactivated we are like best friends, laughing honest jokes, we cuddle hug kiss etc. but the actual sex has took a turn and happens not so often. When it does I feel we are happy with it but he admitted that sometimes he feels we are like best friends and it’s hard for his brain to switch into intimacy mode. Is this normal for those who suffer with ADHD? I find that I do not struggle so much but I read that when someone has issues with adhd it can happen.
I have seen this also happen
I have seen this also happen for me. If you haven't read Melissa Orlov's books, I highly recommend them.
A few things that I noticed from your posts. His "over reaction" to you doing his laundry or cutting the grass sounds like RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) and/or DERS (Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation). They are not uncommon to find with someone with ADHD or Autism. Do you think it makes him feel incapable or deficient in some way when you are just trying to help? I would suggest doing some reading on this.
Parent/child issues seem to pop up at times in these situations as well. You feel like the parent and he is the child that you must take care of. This can also affect your intimacy as it just feels different. Melissa discusses this in her books.
If he is willing to talk with someone about this, that's a huge first step. You are not alone. That's for certain.
RockandAHardPlace
Thank you so much for this
Thank you so much for this feedback yes I absolutely think the RSD you are mentioning may be at play and he admitted it makes him feel maybe sort of inferior no matter how many times I try to explain I like helping and being part of his team as he always helps me when he is not in these shutdown states.
Depression and libido
Don’t know his circumstances exactly, but as far as I know depression is a reliable libido killer.
Oh absolutely- I should have
Oh absolutely- I should have specified though the issue with transitioning into intimacy from day to day life was an issue expressed prior to his shut down/overwhelm but the depression for sure makes it impossible currently which I don’t question