Sleepless here. Vacation with children, their father’s absence so painful.
There’s much talk about healthy boundaries. One’s supposed to make one’s own and enforce them. When codependent, one has let things get out of hand, which makes for unhealthy compromises.
Today I’m thinking the main problem with severe ADD in my partner has been his inability to communicate his boundaries. He could demand certain things. For instance he wanted me to continue to entertain his (presumably raging ADHD) mother after she’d proven openly hostile. He wanted me to mindread him when he didn’t communicate. He’d prefer not to work. At the same time he criticized me for working too hard. He couldn’t be expected to cook, plan meals, or make sure food didn’t go to waste. He also felt our home should be his place to relax, and was reluctant to have any guests except his mother and childhood friends. Our children’s friends couldn’t come over. I guess those were boundaries he wanted, so sure, he could communicate some.
The problem was really in relation to my needs. He did things for me to meet my needs. That’s what he claims now, and I believe it. But he apparently gave out things he couldn’t account for in himself. And so he would blame me later, during the cyclical late night blowups. When the marriage ended, he told me he’d never been able to stand up for himself with me, but now he was going to make things right.
I’m trying to understand the compromises he made that violated his boundaries. Was he aware of giving out what he didn’t own? And what did he do for me? I think he refers to emotional elasticity but can’t recall any specific event that would describe the unfortunate dynamic.
I was stretched terribly thin in this relationship and depleted myself. However, until divorce I felt it was accounted for. I suffered, but I loved him. I’d clearly communicate and argue to defend my boundaries, and I refused things that I couldn’t emotionally afford. I took responsibility for my part.
I’m so disappointed he didn’t do the same. If he had, there could still be respect and kindness between us. Now there’s an abyss.
I’d give anything to have known what he did to accommodate my needs, but secretly didn’t allow. If I’d known, I could at least have refused to accept it.
He’d probably say I never listened to him or respected his needs. Despite the fact our family’s entire life was molded on his untreated ADD.
His miscommunication of his boundaries is my biggest disappointment.
Comments
this sounds a lot like my ex
who would, when I was struggling with his behaviour, say ‘well there’s all sorts of things I could say about you, but I choose not to; I’m better than that.’ and I’d be ‘like what? what do I do?’ and he’d shake his head and be all superior and refuse to say, OR he’d dredge up something from 25 years ago, which had not actually been something I’d done, but had been someone else that I’d mentioned to him.
He’s got nothing but his own need to feel blameless.
Boundaries...
Boundaries in a marriage signify the absence of something when it comes to the reality of each others lived out lives...When we as individuals use our own thinking to determine what must go on between us, (two different sets of demands) there will always be a need for boundaries because (even if love is present between us) it's very unlikely that agreement will occur...It's just the human factor...
c
And when boundary violations were pointed out
When I pointed out the ways he’d finally trampled all over my boundaries, he struggled to comprehend. I still don’t think he knows why I want minimum contact at this point. He struggles to understand there is still a relationship (co-parenting, needing trust, decency, accountability) between us even though the romantic relationship is over. It seems he couldn’t at the time of divorce realize the violent way he treated me would wreck that relationship, and there would be consequences affecting his beloved children. He now tries to preach the need for kindness and respect to me, while I want to throw up at his mere presence due to deception trauma.
Perhaps his boundaries, as well as mine, are not noticeable to him. Is that why he has no notion of when to stop giving out what he can’t afford? Like he refers to he ‘feels’ some things are fair, but cannot present a verbal explanation to why. And like he can act remorseful and ashamed about his actions for years, with the occasional frustration blow up, but then suddenly decide his shortcomings never happened, or didn’t have any effect. Much like he seeems to believe his hurtful shouting has no effects, and when over have disappeared from the dialogue.
He acts more like jelly than anything with a backbone. Perhaps that’s why boundaries don’t apply to him.
Why can’t I let go of this futile struggle to wrap my head around it?
You hit on something here I think is vital...
This doesn't pertain to all ADD minds I've encountered, but it seems to be a common theme with many high level ADDers....
The inability to feel, remember, own, recall, see themselves...The reason many of us non's have lived for years in the same mind you are asking why about, is because we can't accept what we can't comprehend...Our hearts and brains feel, remember, own, recall, see ourselves...It took me years to understand these things are missing in her brain and heart...
Why do you think over 11 years ago my screen name became c ur self??
Bless you Swedish Coast....
c
There it is
I had a little revelation here.
Thank you C.
"When the marriage ended, he
"When the marriage ended, he told me he’d never been able to stand up for himself with me."
I'm not sure if it's a universal experience for people with ADHD, but as someone with ADHD, I know I've often felt this way. ADHD symptoms make it very difficult to feel confident in identifying and communicating boundaries because if you as a person with ADHD are aware of the symptoms, then you're aware of how they condition your experience.
For example, if I suddenly feel a rush of rage at how messy my house feels to me, is that because my spouse has failed to follow through on an agreement we made to each do our fair share of cleaning, or is that because work has taxed my capacity for executive functioning more than usual, and now I'm feeling overwhelmed by what is a normal and manageable level of mess that could and will be easily be cleaned? Am I forgetting the ways that I failed to clean during the week? Am I forgetting that there was a lot on the calendar this week and so we both didn't have as much time to do our normal cleaning routine?
If you can't answer those questions for yourself, then it's almost impossible to have a stable conception of your own boundaries and whether you should or shouldn't communicate them to your partner. What ends up happening is you either end up deferring to the non-ADHD partner in every conflict about boundaries because you can't trust yourself, or you become overly defensive about what you perceive your boundaries to be because you feel like if you don't, you'll be infantilized and your boundaries will be subordinated to your parnter's.
That is enlightening
Thank you NorthCountry. A little revelation too.
"When the marriage ended,
Accidental double reply.