I've been married to my husband for 13 years, we have two teenage children. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, but it has been taking a toll on me and our relationship for many years to the point that we feel our relationship is broken, and we can't see a way through.
The damage caused by years of failed and forgotten promises, unfinished tasks, lack of organisation, hyper focusing on things that interest him (but never time for me or quality time together), his impulsivity and hiding things from me (including drug taking on occasion - which I've only found out about later when he's slipped up), interrupting during conversations, impatience, and him venting frustration at me/the kids if he's interrupted when doing something, which can come across as rude and arrogant.
I love my husband, and know at his core he is caring and he does love me. He's a great father to our kids. But I'm feeling burned out and have gone beyond anger to feeling helpless. Its early days since his diagnosis, but I feel he's somewhat in denial about having ADHD (he doesn't like to show vulnerability or weakness). He has already ruled out taking medication, which I respect, but I'm not optimistic that he will take any other definitive steps to address his condition and the impact it's having.
I've spoken at length to him about how I'm feeling. But he doesn't show empathy, and he struggles with me being emotional (doesn't hug or comfort me), which hurts me more. I have lots of friends, but no one that really understands what its like. My husband also doesnt feel comfortable me telling anyone about his ADHD at the moment.
Is there hope that he will get the help that he, I, and our marriage needs? Maybe his diagnosis will sink in over time, and he'll accept some form of treatment/support? Anyone out there with similar situations/feelings? Thanks so much
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For me, things didn't change
Unless he sees the impact his behaviours are having on people clearly and is motivated to address his ADHD, my opinion is that you can't expect a lot to change. And if he's unwilling to make medication part of the equation, that makes it even more challenging. Much like you respect his decision not to treat the ADHD and improve the relationship, I hope he'll respect if you end up having to leave as a result.
I was in a very similar 20-year marriage and I waited and hoped and encouraged for years until one day I realized he had absolutely no intention of ever being a better partner to me. Like your husband, I believe mine was a good person at his core, but he just could not see the impact his behaviours had on his family. He wanted to close his eyes and not to have to change anything. All the while, we were twisted in knots daily dealing with HIS disorder.
While only he can decide to treat his ADHD, you can certainly get counselling for yourself that may help you build stronger boundaries and/or make hard decisions about your relationship. It really helped me to get an outsider's perspective and actually just to get it all out.
What do you love about him by now?
I was very struck by this dymanic. You say you love him, but the way you describe him is that he’s rude, impatient, unempathetic, undemonstrative of affection, vents his frustration on you and the kids, does not like to show vulnerability and comes across as arrogant. On top of this he won’t do the one thing that might begin to improve things for you - take safe, proven, medication. It sounds horrible. And it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot to love there.
I was in a similar boat - down to the not wanting me to talk about his diagnosis. I did. It felt disloyal but it hugely helped. And two separate trusted friends said ‘you just don’t love him anymore’. It really hurt. It felt like I had failed. Had not been good enough, done enough. But when I accepted how his behaviour had eroded trust and ease between us and exhausted me till i expected only pain and stress from him, I realised that it was true and accepted my own state.
And no, it didn’t change. He offered to do more but then just got our daughter to do it. His temper was vile. He took the meds but he just used them to focus more on his hyperfocus. Work.