Forum topic: Will things ever change?

Unless he sees the impact his behaviours are having on people clearly and is motivated to address his ADHD, my opinion is that you can't expect a lot to change. And if he's unwilling to make medication part of the equation, that makes it even more challenging. Much like you respect his decision not to treat the ADHD and improve the relationship, I hope he'll respect if you end up having to leave as a result. 

I was in a very similar 20-year marriage and I waited and hoped and encouraged for years until one day I realized he had absolutely no intention of ever being a better partner to me. Like your husband, I believe mine was a good person at his core, but he just could not see the impact his behaviours had on his family. He wanted to close his eyes and not to have to change anything. All the while, we were twisted in knots daily dealing with HIS disorder. 

While only he can decide to treat his ADHD, you can certainly get counselling for yourself that may help you build stronger boundaries and/or make hard decisions about your relationship. It really helped me to get an outsider's perspective and actually just to get it all out. 

I am a husband with ADHD the only thing you got to keep in mind first and foremost although annoying some of the behavior of the exhibits it's not intentional it cannot be helped even if on medication I am on medication and I still have some of the Annoying Behavior although not as bad as far as interrupting conversations go as if I have a thought and I don't spit it out right away I will then forget it follow rude and annoying not intentional like I tell my wife when it comes to communication when she's upset and feels like she needs a hug and wants me to control her if I don't she needs to speak up and tell me what she wants for me at that time we are men we don't always get all the hints about certain things that you want us to do and think we should do automatically so if you're upset and you want a hug and want him to comfort you if he doesn't don't get mad simply say this is what I need from you at this moment and he should give it to you if he's a good husband I tell my wife all the time don't beat around the bush say exactly what you mean don't be vague and expect us to figure out exactly what you're saying just say what you have to say don't be down around the bush and don't sugar coat just be upfront and honest and forward I love my wife and stay at home Dad she works I stay at home with her baby I do all the housework including folding laundry make sure she's got dinner when she gets home and take care of all the chores and always have I have my own faults in my own idiosyncrasies and I know I can be difficult with my ADHD but it helps to be straightforward when you communicate and communicate exactly what you mean or what you want from your spouse don't beat around the bush and expecting him to pick up what you're actually telling him just say it because a lot easier and we'll find it be a lot less stress on you when it's exhibiting Behavior you don't like instead of getting annoyed and angry nicely pointed out he doesn't know he can't change it you can always expect us to read through the lines We Are Men we're kind of dumb so it helps to be straight to the point and not beat around the bush don't drop headings about what you want or feel say what you want to feel you're upset and want to hug say hey babe I want a hug although he should pick up on it and do it come home we don't know if you don't tell us I'm not sticking up for your husband at all I don't know what really goes on but as a husband with ADHD this is what works for me maybe it'll work for you and your husband also I was apprehensive about getting on medication from ADHD but once I got on it it greatly improved our quality of life

I was very struck by this dymanic. You say you love him, but the way you describe him is that he’s rude, impatient, unempathetic, undemonstrative of affection, vents his frustration on you and the kids, does not like to show vulnerability and comes across as arrogant. On top of this he won’t do the one thing that might begin to improve things for you - take safe, proven, medication. It sounds horrible. And it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot to love there.

I was in a similar boat - down to the not wanting me to talk about his diagnosis. I did. It felt disloyal but it hugely helped. And two separate trusted friends said ‘you just don’t love him anymore’. It really hurt. It felt like I had failed. Had not been good enough, done enough. But when I accepted how his behaviour had eroded trust and ease between us and exhausted me till i expected only pain and stress from him, I realised that it was true and accepted my own state.

And no, it didn’t change. He offered to do more but then just got our daughter to do it. His temper was vile. He took the meds but he just used them to focus more on his hyperfocus. Work. 

My heart goes out to you. This sounds so painful. 

That unawareness of how his behavior affects you, isn’t it heartbreaking? It’s easier to distance onseself from an uncaring and truly arrogant partner. The caring and loving partner, whose ADHD symptoms are effectively ruining one’s life, isn’t that cognitive dissonance too strange to comprehend?

I lived for twenty years with a man who loved me and would do anything for me and the children - only he couldn’t do much at all except make me deeply miserable and burned out. He still hasn’t understood how it’s all been from my point of view. He lacks ability to see his own impact. And when confronted with it, he dodges shame at all costs. 

In these situations I believe we have to fiercely protect ourselves and not trust to the ADHD partner’s ability to meet our needs. Sadly, no matter how much we love them or believe in their good intentions, it’s the results of their actions that make up our marriage and our life. 

It’s great that you insist on change! 
Best of luck!