Hi
Im getting married to my ADHD partner soon. We have been together for 6 years and I have a preteen son. We are getting married in April. Partner doesn’t want to medicate as he doesn’t like taking meds as they will change him and it’s unnatural.
The issues we have had in our relationship are
- sharing of chores
- Very defensive and lacking accountability if I try to bring up an issue we need to work through
- Lack of affection towards me, not prioritising me, less interested in me than I am in him - he has improved a lot but I still feel emotionally unfulfilled
- Screen addiction
-
He is sometimes a good dad but mostly too critical of my son. If my fiance is overloaded he sometimes talks to my son in a horrible way. Not name calling but very childish
My partner has a lot of good qualities too and he has grown a lot over the years. Recently I feel we have had a breakthrough where he can talk things through better, can take accountability and reassure me.
I’m scared if I marry him that I’m committing myself to a life of feeling unfulfilled. Will we ever solve the problem of him being so critical of my son?
I love him and I just want him to love us back. I don’t know if I’m just being anxious and we can work it out, or if I’m being a fool and being treated badly and should leave.
Can anyone relate? What’s your experience? Everything online seems to point towards breaking up as a solution but I feel like we can work it out, as he is more receptive now and has demonstrated growth and accountability. Advice welcome
Comments
Author Comment
Hi, I’m new to this community and looking for some advice.
I would reco really pausing here while you still can
As someone who left a 20-year marriage and knows how hard that is to do once you're locked in, I'd really caution you to take time to consider if going through with this marriage is the right decision.
ADHD is very, very hard on the non-ADHD partner and other family members (e.g. your son). If he is unwilling to medicate (I don't know his stance on therapy), you likely can't expect improvements and if anything, things will get worse once he's comfortable.
For me, that looked like doing over 95% of the household management, mental labour, parenting, etc. His disengagement with our relationship was heartbreaking for me and even more heartbreaking to watch the same dynamic play out with our daughter. It hurt her immeasurably to constantly seek love and attention and get crumbs if anything. Part of the reason I left was to mitigate the damage he was doing to her.
(Sidebar: It makes me angry when people won't medicate because "they don't want to take meds." It's essentially passing the burden of managing the condition onto the partner. "I don't want to manage my own condition with meds because it's unnatural, which means I'm totally okay with you continuing to suffer the consequences of my unmanaged symptoms." It's just not a fair decision in a partnership.)
Your decision here will really affect both you and your son for years to come. I don't know you, but I DO know that you deserve an equal, kind and attentive partner. Your son deserves to be adored and treated with kindness by both adults in the house.
I would highly recommend you seek individual therapy quickly so you can talk this out with someone who is trained and impartial so you can make the best informed decision for yourself and your son. ❤️
Last piece of advice... your gut knows all.
I agree with Melody
I really think he needs to make more of an effort to commit to dealing with his issues before you marry him. Being too critical of my child would be a deal breaker, and that will only get worse once he feels he has you tied up in a marriage. This kind of stepfather will have negative effects on your child’s self esteem for the rest of his life. Why do you want to marry someone who is not affectionate toward you or your son??? Husbands are not like home improvement projects you can fix up after you commit to them. You should look at yourself and your psychological history to find out why you would settle for someone like this.