Forum topic: Cold feet about our wedding

As someone who left a 20-year marriage and knows how hard that is to do once you're locked in, I'd really caution you to take time to consider if going through with this marriage is the right decision.

ADHD is very, very hard on the non-ADHD partner and other family members (e.g. your son). If he is unwilling to medicate (I don't know his stance on therapy), you likely can't expect improvements and if anything, things will get worse once he's comfortable. 

For me, that looked like doing over 95% of the household management, mental labour, parenting, etc. His disengagement with our relationship was heartbreaking for me and even more heartbreaking to watch the same dynamic play out with our daughter. It hurt her immeasurably to constantly seek love and attention and get crumbs if anything. Part of the reason I left was to mitigate the damage he was doing to her. 

(Sidebar: It makes me angry when people won't medicate because "they don't want to take meds." It's essentially passing the burden of managing the condition onto the partner. "I don't want to manage my own condition with meds because it's unnatural, which means I'm totally okay with you continuing to suffer the consequences of my unmanaged symptoms." It's just not a fair decision in a partnership.)

Your decision here will really affect both you and your son for years to come. I don't know you, but I DO know that you deserve an equal, kind and attentive partner. Your son deserves to be adored and treated with kindness by both adults in the house. 

I would highly recommend you seek individual therapy quickly so you can talk this out with someone who is trained and impartial so you can make the best informed decision for yourself and your son. ❤️

Last piece of advice... your gut knows all. 

I really think he needs to make more of an effort to commit to dealing with his issues before you marry him. Being too critical of my child would be a deal breaker, and that will only get worse once he feels he has you tied up in a marriage. This kind of stepfather will have negative effects on your child’s self esteem for the rest of his life. Why do you want to marry someone who is not affectionate toward you or your son??? Husbands are not like home improvement  projects you can fix up after you commit to them. You should look at yourself and your psychological history to find out why you would settle for someone like this. Your job is not to be his counselor, to help him work through his problems. He needs to take the initiative and seek counseling and meds himself. You deserve a supportive equal person as a husband. Your son deserves someone as a role model who will nurture him and lift him up, not bring him down. Don’t you realize you  both deserve better than this? Please seek counseling immediately to find out why your self esteem issues would make you feel drawn to someone who is not affectionate and leaves you unfulfilled. The months before marriage are normally the best your relationship will ever be. If your relationship is so one sided at this stage, you can expect to be ignored even more once you’re married. You will be his caretaker as he ages and the adhd inevitably gets worse. I can assure you, it’s a miserable life, and you and your son deserve so much better. 
I got out of an almost 12 year relationship like this. I became depressed and physically injured because of his lack of effort to address his issues, his hoarding, his anger issues,  his refusal to take responsibility for his own behaviors, his lack of employment, and his jealousy toward anyone I cared about. Think about it… is it possible your guy might be jealous of your son? Resenting the love you show toward your son?

 I don’t know how old you are but I was 60 when I got out and it was the best decision I ever made. You don’t owe this guy anything. You DO owe your son a warm, loving home environment. 

has suffered considerable psychological harm from his ADHD father’s behaviour. I’ve posted about this a couple of times recently. He’s now in is twenties. The day to day experience of feeling not worthy of a father’s attention and interest, whilst  being the recipient of his blame and impatience has a profound impact on a child. It is so appalling for heterosexual girls in terms of what they expect in their future relationships, but in boys it damages their very essence- their understanding of what it is to be a man. Unless there’s someone else - a good man- to step in, they have no role model, no way of knowing how to be. You may have that in the boy’s biological father, you may have that elsewhere in your family or friendship group. Even if you do I’d expect harm and especially conflict as your boy doesn’t have the same imperative to bond with your partner, and even if he did I am afraid to say it’s only likely to do him harm. My ex  manipulated us all so badly that I felt I was a terrible wife, a horrible person, and our son grew up thinking he was inadequate and irritating and should probably keep his mouth shut. This was because the ‘man’ in our lives couldn’t accept the possibility that he had any faults at all.   

‘Even if you do I’d expect harm and especially conflict as your boy doesn’t have the same imperative to bond with your partner, and even if he did I am afraid to say it’s only likely to do him harm.’

sorry this is borderline jibberish. I meant, your son is likely to rebel, which will be bad (conflict), or comply with what his stepdad dish out,  which will also be bad (destroyed self esteem).

Somebody wrote about hope being a woman’s enemy sometimes. As when hoping a not so promising behavior in a partner will go away with time. And assuming if she just puts in enough love and care and work, things will automatically go well. 

For me, hoping and loving and trying wasn’t enough. I’m hoping next time I won’t try to solve somebody else’s issues, or compensate for their dysfunction. Next time, I would like a partner to show me they can contribute to our life together. 

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship (because of all the emotions we have built up) is to step outside the relationship and SEE w/ a fly on the wall clarity...Looking at all the heart felt advice (lived out reality) you have gotten here can be easy to just shrug off...(Well you're not me, or oh well he's not your husband/ex)...Our first thoughts are, well he/she shouldn't do so and so and so and so...(Well that's sweet, but, useless, because their going to too!) People add/adhd or not, love themselves just like they are...It works for them, and it's a huge insult for you to ask or insinuate that he should change or take drugs...No matter what any of these poster's say "should be happening"...It will not!...You are looking at the behaviors that you will endure, usually they get worse with a spouse to use...

Medicine's can help w/ focus...It does nothing for attitude...denial...justification of wrong living...blame... excuses...thrill seeking...laziness in intimacy...addictions (screen time etc.)....

I divorced my wife that I loved after 18 years, not because of her high level ADD, but, because she forced a silent divorce for years...She quit!

Many people have minds that work as singles...They have no one to depend on, no one to be intrusive to, or abusive to...So they know their survival is up to them...But their life style will never fit into a workable mold for marriage...My wife was one of those...So many are....

Bless you!

c

Why do you want to marry someone who doesn't do chores, isn't accountable, is addicted to screens, and worst of all disrespecting YOUR child?  He has no right to discipline or speak ill to you child.  If you don't set some  boundaries with him regarding his role in your child's life then you are inviting harm.  Parents are supposed to protect their children, you are letting your son down by allowing someone he didn't choose to have a  relationship with verbally abuse him.. Consider that this is the best things will ever be.  Your fiance is not seeking advice on how to change so don't expect improvement, in fact he stated he was not going to change. .  You are doing all the hoping and fixing while he continues ruining relationships.. Why settle for a sometime partner and an occasional good dad?  He isn't a good role model and, trust me, you child will NEVER forget the horrible comments he makes to him.  Cancel the wedding and onsider working toward figuring out why you are willing to sacrifice your son's emotional health for a chance with a man who will never change.

The sad thing is that she will NEVER change him.