Hi, I have ADHD, I’ve been browsing the internet and looking for forums that would help, books. Anything to make me “Normal”, and I found this website. Reading these forums really does mess with me. Because I’m having problems with my fiancé, and seeing everyone’s words gets me scared like if I have no cure.
I see the frustration , hurt, the patience, and it hurts me, because I’m trying (or so I think). Currently my parent is mad that I can’t be an adult on my own and she feels like she’s holding the world together. How do I let her know I’m here with out saying it. At this point she doesn’t believe my words, and I work and work my hardest to do things so she doesn’t stress, but I lose my self in task and overthinking that I’ve been forgetting to communicate. She feels like I’m always about me me me, but in reality she’s going through my head all the time, and saying do xyz so she’s happy, do xyz so she doesn’t get mad, make sure xyz is this way or else.
Like I’m stuck and seeing all these post of couples separating really hurts me even more. Can anyone comment just what you wish your adhd partner would’ve done.
Thanks.
Comments
Have gotten out
I’m sorry for your pain.
If I could wish for my undiagnosed ADD partner of 20 years to have done something differently, it would have been to have gotten out when he lost hope for us. He was miserable, overwhelmed, trying and failing to meet my needs, and early on he expressed pessimism for our future. I was always optimistic, but then I never saw things from his perspective.
I do believe there are many ways of being normal. A lot of the people I love have ADHD and I know it’s a set of talents as well as executive dysfunction. I also believe we should be in relationships that function for us. You would probably fare better in a context where you’re not put to neurotypical expectations every day. You could have a life where you’re allowed to be who you are, and use your strengths and abilities to find your necessary rewards.
I’m no one to give advice, I was long unable to leave a strained ADHD marriage. Am trying to heal from the subsequent crash still. But afterward, it sticks with me incompatibility couldn’t be ignored without hurt. Nor could it be compensated for without resentment.
Life is short, and I don’t think we should make it too hard. Engagement could be a time of happy anticipation, and you express stress and conflict.
I feel for you and hope you find a way to be happy.
What I wish my partner would have done
First of all, good on you for trying and caring and seeing your partner's perspective. A lot of us in this forum didn't have a partner willing to try. You're already doing so much more than many of our partners did.
The thing I wish my partner had done is to take the initiative to get professional help in the form of medication coupled with ADHD coaching. I think optimized meds would have helped us set a more reliable baseline and ongoing coaching would have taken some of the onus off me to be the one holding things together - he could have been accountable to a coach instead of feeling accountable to me. Win/win. And I think that would have allowed us to enjoy more of the good parts of the relationship rather than the drudgery. Because who wants to be caught up in the un-fun stuff all the time? If he'd taken the meds and attended regular therapy or coaching, that would have shown me he was doing his very best on his side for me, which would have inspired much more patience and understanding in me for him.