Forum topic: Scared

I’m sorry for your pain. 

If I could wish for my undiagnosed ADD partner of 20 years to have done something differently, it would have been to have gotten out when he lost hope for us. He was miserable, overwhelmed, trying and failing to meet my needs, and early on he expressed pessimism for our future. I was always optimistic, but then I never saw things from his perspective.

I do believe there are many ways of being normal. A lot of the people I love have ADHD and I know it’s a set of talents as well as executive dysfunction. I also believe we should be in relationships that function for us. You would probably fare better in a context where you’re not put to neurotypical expectations every day. You could have a life where you’re allowed to be who you are, and use your strengths and abilities to find your necessary rewards. 

I’m no one to give advice, I was long unable to leave a strained ADHD marriage. Am trying to heal from the subsequent crash still. But afterward, it sticks with me incompatibility couldn’t be ignored without hurt. Nor could it be compensated for without resentment.

Life is short, and I don’t think we should make it too hard. Engagement could be a time of happy anticipation, and you express stress and conflict.

I feel for you and hope you find a way to be happy.
 

First of all, good on you for trying and caring and seeing your partner's perspective. A lot of us in this forum didn't have a partner willing to try. You're already doing so much more than many of our partners did.

The thing I wish my partner had done is to take the initiative to get professional help in the form of medication coupled with ADHD coaching. I think optimized meds would have helped us set a more reliable baseline and ongoing coaching would have taken some of the onus off me to be the one holding things together - he could have been accountable to a coach instead of feeling accountable to me. Win/win. And I think that would have allowed us to enjoy more of the good parts of the relationship rather than the drudgery. Because who wants to be caught up in the un-fun stuff all the time? If he'd taken the meds and attended regular therapy or coaching, that would have shown me he was doing his very best on his side for me, which would have inspired much more patience and understanding in me for him. 

I think it is interesting that there is a Freudian slip with the word parent used instead of what I assume you meant... Partner?  Perhaps you feel like they are parenting you?  Are you assuming a child role in your relationship? 

To answer your question w several examples:  What I wished my spouse had done is get therapy and medication instead of gaslighting me and telling me that my standards are too high, or,  I am too sensitive after he unloads in a tirade about an issue and I am devastated.  I wish he had not been so determined to ruin the family by putting his wants and desires before everything and everybody else.  I wish he didn't ruin every holiday or celebration for our family bc he couldn't stand to see anyone else, especially me, happy or in the spotlight.  I wish he could have seen me drowning trying to keep the household running, our parents' needs met, and the kids taken care of and stepped up and been a willing partner.  I wish he did the chores and responsibilities he promised to do.  I wish he was involved in the kids lives by taking an interest in their interests instead of dismissing them and making them feel like an inconvenience.  I wish he took the lead and made me feel desired and seen by planning dates and arranging for childcare, or told me I looked nice when glammed up for an event. I wish he complimented me when good things happened to me at work instead of turning my accomplishment into a reason to be jealous and start an argument.  I wish he treated me in private w the same respect he treated me in front of people he was trying to impress.  I wish he accepted that in order for our marital dynamic to change HE would also need to change and that I was not responsible for his mental and physical health.   Ad nauseum.....  

The non partner becomes apathetic when ADHDer stops seeing and treating them as the greatest gift of their life by showing them respect, partnership, and appreciation. The non partner just slogs through life from one unending task to another (including the ones ADHDer forget or refuses to do) biding their time until the time is right to break up. Sometimes the breakup is a surprise to the ADHD partner, but the non partner has been preparing for a very long time. Often the ADHD partner stopped paying attention to their partner's pleas for partnership, demonized their partner for having feelings, and lived as if everything was someone else's responsibility.  If someone is already doing everything while a grown adult sits by and watches, or makes things worse, being alone looks like nirvana.

I had a relationship very like adhd32's; everything they said chimes with me. However, my BFF is also married to someone with ADHD and they are great together. He gets on with his hyperfocus - which is also the family business - and she manages the admin and accounts (which were chaotic before she took them over). It doesn't have to be terrible. It's about balance and commitment and care and sharing the burden and playing to strengths. 

I wonder if my ex had NPD, not just ADHD, but narcissists don't tend to go looking for a diagnosis and help; they just they blame someone else. Which was what my ex did. 

With him, the problem was never the problem. The problem was that he would never admit there was a problem, let alone act on it. Every issue we had was because of my character flaws: I internalised his narrative that I was negative, critical, and cruel. As far as he was concerned, I had to change so that we could be happier. Do more for him, be nicer to him, send him three kisses after every text.   He really did a number on me, had me shoulder his shame, along with all the domestic, emotional, practical, and for many years, economic labour. Recovery is slow. 

So I wish he'd owned it. 

"Shit happens, and will continue to happen..."
                                                           me

"My philosophy in life: If you accept that shit happens, and will continue to happen,  you'll remain happy no matter what.

If you don't accept that shit happens, your happiness is dependent on shit never happening, so when it does, you suffer. This is a problem."

I wrote this on my social media page just this morning, and I mean every word. You cannot make another perso happy. You have no control of whether they are or they aren't no matter what you do. 

I have ADHD ( amongt other things ) both good and bad. I will never be quote: "normal". I will never be like "most" other people. No matter how hard I might try, there are some things I'm simply not very good at doing. 

 Staying organized is extremely difficult and it takes me much longer than average to get there. Staying neat and tidy is almost a full time job, 24/7, but with practice and effort, I do a fairly reasonable job compared to my past.

 I've actually improved on some weak areas to the point...I might just blend in enough one could say: he's not the most organized or neat and tidy person Ive ever met, and he has weak moments when he forgets, but overall, throwing out the highs and the lows, he'd get a solid C+ in an ongoing basis. 

I could go on....including things like: interrupting others while speaking ( not waiting until the other person has finished ) or getting lost in hyperfocus ( tuning out ), or putting things off until the last minute ( using that pressure to motivate me into action ) or not being able to articulate feelings and emotions well when also attempting to think about logistics and reasoning ( communicate skills in speaking )  this list could go on but it's really not as important in the big scheme of things. I've vastly improved over time in all these areas effected by ADHD.....

But it won't make one bit of difference if you're not the person your fiancée wants. If either you or her ...or both of you...are not what the other person needs  or wants, then you owe it to that person to say so. 

It's your responsibility to say how you feel. It's you're responsibility, to accept the person you're with, as they are, and not expect them to change. 

Nothing you do will change another person and it's a losing battle to even hope that they will. 

The things I mentioned about myself, I changed for me. I wanted to be that better person, I didn't do it for someone else. And I'm still doing it, even now, when I'm alone. 

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I'm not trying to be perfect, the best, or better than anyone else. The only person I'm in competition with is myself.  I know when I've done a good job or when I've improved in my personal goals. As far as I'm concerned....in some areas....the C+ is more like an A+....compared to my past.

In the responses on this thread l, I hear a number of different things:

  I hear: not being honest with yourself ( denial or lack of integrity ). Possibly,  unaware of the negative impact they had on their partner. (  unaware, ignorant or too self absorbed  ) 

I hear: Lack or accountability, not taking initiative, not doing what I did: got help, got therapy, went on meds, tried changing diet, read voraciously on the subject. Did the work ( still doing it ) 

I hear: A person who's got a lot more than just ADHD going on, specifically, if I had to guess? Dismissive or Fearful ( or both ) Avoidant attachment issues from early life trauma.

 From my own experience this.....you cannot make someone go get help. To do the work neccsary to stop blaming everyone else for whats wrong witb them. 

To make someone happy, when they weren't happy to begin with, is a losing proposition from the start.  Only they can make themselves happy...you have no power or control over them. 

And vise versa. Any attempts will only feel manipulative or coercive.  Like outside pressure to conform or comply.

I hear: Narcissism. A person with Avoident attachment issues will have an uncanny likeness in terms of symptoms and traits....but the core motivating mechanism is not ego driven. It's fear. 

That's the difference that's very hard to see yet, to be on the recieving end is really not all that different. For that person, it fundamentally feels the same. 

And for me,  I can easily sum up what I want....if that could ever happen which I'm beginning to doubt seriously...

 Drop the judgment, drop the asymmetry, be honest, show some integrity, be accountable for your own shit, and possibly most important, be accountable for your own feelings and say what they are. 

I'm not a role, I'm not a wallet, I don't need to lead but I definitely don't follow. My wish, if I had one,  is to be with someone who wants to be be with me.

 Not above me, not below me...walking side by side, and seeing eye to eye as an equal....more or less.  When all things are said and done...balance is the rule. Without balance ...everything becomes imbalanced.

 In my mind, this is a problem.

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