I am brand new to this site and am hoping for some clarity and help as I continue to navigate my long term marriage to a man with ADHD (diagnosed).
We're getting ready to 'celebrate' 50 years of marriage. I am frankly amazed that I've stuck it out this long!
My DH is a brilliant, funny and great guy. Who has raging ADHD. I've always just covered for him (not healthy, I know). I now find myself totally exhausted living with him. He retired 2 years ago (unwillingly, he had to help care for his dying mother-that lasted almost 2 years) and his goal to go back to work after she passed did not come to anything. He stayed retired.
All our married life, he traveled a lot--like 75% of the time, so his ADHD wasn't really an issue. I ran the house, cared for the kids and made his life as stress free as I could. (We have 5 children, all married and gone). I do NOT have any kind of ADD, but 3 of my kids DO and they treat and see therapists and manage their lives well. They are the ones pushing me to get him to get some help. He completely and utterly refuses. I realize now that all I did was 'allow' him to get worse and worse.
He has gone on an Antidepressant, but I know for a fact he is taking only about 20% of the dosage and has tried to hide that from me. Currently, he is massively depressed, on top of the ADHD issues. He sleeps every day he doesn't golf and I mean SLEEPS. Yesterday he didn't get out of bed until 5 pm. He will sleep all day today also, but tomorrow he has golf, so he'll be up and gone by 9.
4 weeks ago I had a total knee replacement. He has done almost nothing to help me. He hasn't gotten up once in the night(s) to help me to the bathroom, he has maybe done one load of laundry (then left it in the washer)...won't clean the bathrooms b/c it's 'icky' and has not made a single meal. I am finally much better, although not healed by any means. So I am back to running the house, and actually glad that I can. I was not surprised by his lack of care, it's exactly what I expected, but I have been so angry with him.
Obviously, this is a problem of long standing. In 1976 there wasn't a term for "ADHD". I just married thinking I could 'change him'. Joke's on me.
This is my first post. I am hoping that others will see me and him in this and have some helpful suggestions. I do have the support of my kids, and I am not looking to leave him, after 50 years--why? I want to know how to react to his behavior and how to talk to him in a way he can HEAR. (Oh, he's also about 80% deaf and completely refuses to wear the $10K hearing aids HE picked out. So we all have to yell to get him to hear us.)
As I said, I have 3 kids who also have this. They have learned to cope in life with it (2 of them are on medication.)
I feel crappy b/c of the TKR and am still healing from that. It's really been a rough experience, being laid up and having basically no help. It's time for me to figure this out. If what I said resonates with anyone out there, please reply to me. I'm getting desperate. I fear the days he's home, sleeping either in bed or in his recliner. I LOVE the days he leaves to golf.
TIA--sorry for the rambling post. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
BTW, he is 74 and I will be 70 in a few weeks. He has been 'this way' the entirety of our marriage.
--Momila
Comments
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Mistake
it does resonate
it’s what I saw coming down the line after struggling through difficult pregnancies and cancer tests without him seeming to think it had anything to do with him. He also seems like a great guy to others. It’s horrible to feel so unsupported; it is very very hard to distinguish from ‘unloved’. You have my sympathy and solidarity.
I’d be looking for a way out, myself, but that’s just me. Aging, you know there will be more caring to be done, and you know who will be doing it and who won’t.