I am brand new to this site and am hoping for some clarity and help as I continue to navigate my long term marriage to a man with ADHD (diagnosed).
We're getting ready to 'celebrate' 50 years of marriage. I am frankly amazed that I've stuck it out this long!
My DH is a brilliant, funny and great guy. Who has raging ADHD. I've always just covered for him (not healthy, I know). I now find myself totally exhausted living with him. He retired 2 years ago (unwillingly, he had to help care for his dying mother-that lasted almost 2 years) and his goal to go back to work after she passed did not come to anything. He stayed retired.
All our married life, he traveled a lot--like 75% of the time, so his ADHD wasn't really an issue. I ran the house, cared for the kids and made his life as stress free as I could. (We have 5 children, all married and gone). I do NOT have any kind of ADD, but 3 of my kids DO and they treat and see therapists and manage their lives well. They are the ones pushing me to get him to get some help. He completely and utterly refuses. I realize now that all I did was 'allow' him to get worse and worse.
He has gone on an Antidepressant, but I know for a fact he is taking only about 20% of the dosage and has tried to hide that from me. Currently, he is massively depressed, on top of the ADHD issues. He sleeps every day he doesn't golf and I mean SLEEPS. Yesterday he didn't get out of bed until 5 pm. He will sleep all day today also, but tomorrow he has golf, so he'll be up and gone by 9.
4 weeks ago I had a total knee replacement. He has done almost nothing to help me. He hasn't gotten up once in the night(s) to help me to the bathroom, he has maybe done one load of laundry (then left it in the washer)...won't clean the bathrooms b/c it's 'icky' and has not made a single meal. I am finally much better, although not healed by any means. So I am back to running the house, and actually glad that I can. I was not surprised by his lack of care, it's exactly what I expected, but I have been so angry with him.
Obviously, this is a problem of long standing. In 1976 there wasn't a term for "ADHD". I just married thinking I could 'change him'. Joke's on me.
This is my first post. I am hoping that others will see me and him in this and have some helpful suggestions. I do have the support of my kids, and I am not looking to leave him, after 50 years--why? I want to know how to react to his behavior and how to talk to him in a way he can HEAR. (Oh, he's also about 80% deaf and completely refuses to wear the $10K hearing aids HE picked out. So we all have to yell to get him to hear us.)
As I said, I have 3 kids who also have this. They have learned to cope in life with it (2 of them are on medication.)
I feel crappy b/c of the TKR and am still healing from that. It's really been a rough experience, being laid up and having basically no help. It's time for me to figure this out. If what I said resonates with anyone out there, please reply to me. I'm getting desperate. I fear the days he's home, sleeping either in bed or in his recliner. I LOVE the days he leaves to golf.
TIA--sorry for the rambling post. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
BTW, he is 74 and I will be 70 in a few weeks. He has been 'this way' the entirety of our marriage.
--Momila
Comments
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Mistake
it does resonate
it’s what I saw coming down the line after struggling through difficult pregnancies and cancer tests without him seeming to think it had anything to do with him. He also seems like a great guy to others. It’s horrible to feel so unsupported; it is very very hard to distinguish from ‘unloved’. You have my sympathy and solidarity.
I’d be looking for a way out, myself, but that’s just me. Aging, you know there will be more caring to be done, and you know who will be doing it and who won’t.
it hurts
I just wanted to add, I'm out, of a 20year+ marriage. I have been for a year. Best decision ever.
Years ago, I had a condition in pregnancy called Hyperemesis Gravidarium which meant I got sicker and sicker, weaker and weaker as the months went by. I couldn't move without fainting or throwing up or both. I was starving, dehydrated, and he couldn't even be bothered to bring me a snack.
Later on, I had a lump in my breast investigated, I phoned to tell him I'd got the all clear, and he didn't even remember I'd been having tests.
Later still, when our daughter was coming round from surgery, he stood by the bedside making last-minute arrangements to go away for work the next day, leaving me to care for her and our son alone. Someone (someone more important than me or our daughter) had asked if he could step in at the last minute and teach a couple of classes. At the other end of the country.
It's a question of priorities, isn't it? I was never his.
On the other hand, I made him mine. I cared for him through multiple surgeries and several different health conditions. I attended appointments with him, learned to cook to accommodate his changing dietary needs. As a result, he actually got better from what was supposed to need further surgery.
It cuts deep, his lack of care, particularly in contrast to how much I carried for him, with health, family, household, supporting his career. And still he told me I didn't do enough to support him. He was a parasite and every day without him, I am glad he's gone.
It feels like a lack of love, because it is, in fact, a lack of love. They might say 'I love you,' but love that is just a feeling is useless; worthwhile love is what you do.
How to cope
I left my relationship ultimately, but what helped me through the years leading up to that was living as though I was single as much as possible. Examples of what this looked like:
-Joining some groups and over time creating a new network of friends that was mine alone. Getting connection and support elsewhere is invaluable!
-Separate bedrooms. His room became the place I could put everything he left lying out. I no longer worried about him being able to find things, etc. If he left a mess and company was coming over, I gathered it up and dumped it on the floor of his room. This was a turning point for being able to keep the house cleaner.
-Not doing his laundry anymore. I did mine. When he ran out of underwear that was his problem. If he finally did some of his own laundry, he often left it to get moldy in the machine. I would scoop it up and put it on the floor of his room when I needed the machine. He'd have to do it again.
-No longer helping him find missing keys/wallet/phone, etc. If he starting screaming about not finding something, I'd go on a walk or take a shower.
-Giving 15 minutes grace, but leaving without him if he wasn't ready for an event. He could meet me there.
I included him in family dinners because I had a tween at the time, but you could easily apply this to meal planning, shopping and preparing.
I wasn't cruel about any of this. Just calm and matter of fact. I had tried so many more collaborative and reasonable strategies previous to this. This was self preservation.
Really wish you the best.
I'm so sorry!
I can feel the pain in your writing.
Not that this is or can be "the" or AN answer for everyone (especially if your husband is depressed and practically bed-ridden), but I have found that being apart for periods of time has helped. I pushed my husband to go on a multi-day vacation to visit his sister in a warmer climate, and that helped a lot. Shortly after he returned, I went away for a long weekend with a relative.
If there is any way we can get a break from the day-to-day "babysitting," it helps our mental health.
Today, my husband for the second time managed to break a 1 year old riding mower. I almost laugh when I hear him on it because he runs over everything. I'm thinking, "That cannot be good for that mower!"
He comes in the house and asks ME for the repair guy's number (the guy *I* found last year). I asked, "Didn't you keep his number because you liked him so much?" Of course not. I went back in my phone and figured out which number was his--because, of course I was the one who found him and initially called. My husband uncomfortably calls the guy and leaves a message then asks if I will call again in a couple hours. Nope.
Is it learned helplessness piled on top of the ADHD/ADD?
I am working on sitting back, taking a deep breath, and not jumping in immediately to save the day multiple times a day.
I feel you. Give yourself a break somehow. I hope your knee is feeling better.