Forum topic: I feel like just giving up

Finally I grew so much resentment for my ex resting his days away on the bed while I was in constant survival stress mode. 

Yes, it can change one as a person. I could yell at customer service. I was short-tempered, found fault in people, in my mind narrowed down possibilities to the barest minimum. 

It took me 1,5 years to get a regular resting pulse back, and blood pressure, after he moved out. 

Don’t think any therapy helps for this. You need to get rid of the stressor. 
 

Yes, my ex would spend hours in bed while I was managing the household and the family and feeling constantly stressed, even on weekend mornings, by what the day held. Total constant overwhelm for me, a nice leisurely lifestyle for him.  When he did do stuff it was often half-done (a half mown lawn, a half-hoovered room).

His answer was always that he'd have got round to it, whatever it was, if I hadn't leaped in and done it too soon... well you have to get out of bed first, pal. 

My blood pressure got so high - right at the top edge of the red zone on the charts -  I had to go to A&E one night. They monitored me for a suspected heart attack. 

I'm now medicated long term for the BP, but this morning, 14 months after separation, it was well within the green zone, below the threshold for high BP: 118/77. 

This is managing everything by myself now. On my own. Still have two kids and the dog and the chores and the DIY, but no longer the ADHD dude lying in bed while I'm managing all that, telling me that I was at fault, for - amongst many other things - getting on with chores when they needed done. 

The effects are very real. 

As a person with ADHD, I can sympathize with your wife. It's very easy for me to understand why she she does this and I'm no different in my need for rest. I have discovered however, breaks are really what I need. I need lots of breaks !! Lol  And I take them regularly !! 

I have to come back to swimming again because it's the basis for my doing this. On weekends, there were  days in my past when I would spend all day watching TV and do nothing else. That was only on weekends as I had to work the rest of the week. That's how I can relate. If it wasn't depression ( I'm not always depressed ) then this was still an ADHD thing ( without the depression ) ...so I definitely understand.

But breaking it down like a swim workout into sets is what I do. Three sets of 5 ...50 yard sprints: 5 seconds rest...in between each sprint....then 1 minute rest between each set .....allows me to go 90% full speed during the sprint, just barely enough rest ( 5 seconds ) to catch your breathe, then one full minute in between to recover to do it again three times in a row. In weight lifting in the gym...they call this a "Super Set" because it starts puts your body into Anaerobic exercise instead of  Aroebic. It forces you to cross that Aroebic / Anaerobic threshold and keeps you there until your exhausted.  Then, you take a larger break for 5 or 10 minutes.  

After a Super Set...we usually did a an Aerobic distance swim of 500 or 800 meters ....followed by another 5 minutes rest...then, another Super set ...immediately following that. 

There's a lot of resting in there. But thers also high intensity bursts where your expending energy quickly followed by...a sustained distance swim at about 40 to 50% effort. 

There's no way you could do that without all those rests in between. No one could do it...our coach already has us right on the edge of exhaustion for the entire 2 hour workout.

After the workout....I'd go home and plop my butt-erfly on the couch because I had left it "all in the pool " as they say. 

I pretty much do the same thing now. There's a lot of rest breaks...but a lot of high output bursts in between. When I "hit the wall" ( end of workout ) I'm done for the day. Until tomorrow...when I repeat this process. 

I will say, this method extracts more work out of me, than plodding along at a steady pace continuously all day with no ( or fewer ) breaks. I see a lot of people operate in that mode and it works for them. I simply can't do that effectly. I'll get tired and burnout early and not get very much done after that. I may be working ...but I won't get shit done after the burnout. Best I can do at that point is just stop working for the day...and get up up and try it again tomorrow.  

This is sprint philosophy and it absolutely works. It's a time tested method of getting a lot done in a short period of time but...it's all up front.  Once two ( or even three )  hours is up....there's nothing left because you left it all the pool. 

And that's how it feels sometimes.  Like I left it all in the pool and need to plop my butt down on the couch...until tomorrow morning when I get up and do it again.

I feel for your wife because I know the feeling. She'd better off however, if she followed that Super Set workou...with alternating  periods of 50% effort at a slower pace. The secret I  suppose...is to rest many times...but keep on moving instead of trying to rest all at once...and get nothing done in between. It's less rest....but more often...and for me, the killer is going down on the couch completely until I'm done for the day. If I go down on the couch...I'm likely not going to get back up and I know this, so I try and force myself to not lay down. 

And just an FYI. In my last job ...the only job I've ever been fired from ...first time ever. That employer was an "old school thinker " who had rigid rules as far as breaks were concerned.  My pattern for the past 40 years was to work  1 hour bursts...with 5 minute breaks every hour. I got tons done that way. And I could keep it up for over 8 hours no problem.

But because of her insistent, and rigid thinking in terms of breaks were concerned...her opinion was...to keep working without breaks and finish everything first...then take your break later in the day. The WORST possible scenario you could pick to get the most put of an employee. Her short sightedness ...and somewhat ignorant way of approaching this ( compared to my swim coach ) cost her thousands of dollars and burned everyone out. In my work....they called it "the squeeze" method...because they try and squeeze every drop put of you until you're face down in the dirt...to just walk over your back on their way to the next person. It's a well known tactic and it doesn't work unless your employees are just expendable commodities. I saw what she was doing ( the well know "squeeze tactic" ) and went....nope. Sorry, not going to play that game with you. I didn't say it...but I just stopped playing and went back to what I know works to get the most done in the shortest amount of time.

She was so focused of her rigid rules of steuct adherence to breaks as well as her "breaks are kind of oppositional " attitude ( the unspoken tacit understanding ) she chose adherence( compliance )  instead of working smarter not harder . Once I stopped the "squeeze" I was fired specifically for that reason. Another example of the "compliance" thing, getting in the way.  It's her loss...not mine.  There are few 40 year veteran artist out there who can do my job. 

Anyway....I thought I throw that in, because it's seems a perfect example of how rules are not always as important as production if it works.  In my mind, my coach was a genius...but not everyone is. 

Something I forgot to mention about my swimming coach when thinking about gifts or special talents. He, most definitely had, a very specialized gift, amongst all swimming coachs at the time.

 In retrospect, we're talking the 1950's here, to put things into context. His special gift or talent was preparing swimmers for major competitive events, when it really counted, major championship events like the Olympics.  I could talk him up all day but this is a very specialized talent that even other coach's would send their swimmers to him ...just for him to peak them.

  Fact is, he was so good at doing this one thing, both Don Sholander and Carolyn Wood were sent to him to train before going to the Olympics. 

Don Sholander, in the 1964 Tokyo Olympic,  won 4 gold Medals, breaking 3 world records, and 1 Olympic medal in the process. 

 Carolyn Wood, in the 1960 Rome Olympics, was part of the world record breaking relay team, also winning a gold medal, breaking the previous world record time by 9 seconds. Her come from behind effort, was instrumental in paving the way for that win.  She later became the assistant coach for my high-school team ( same head coach ) and was the first voice I heard when I touched the wall ( yelling out my time ) breaking my high school record in the 100yard backstroke. That record had stood for over 10 years, from another one of his swimmers who I also trained with ( 10 years older than me ). 

I could go on and on, only to say ...no one peaked swimmers better than my coach, and even other coach's knew it. That was his special talent, in a very specialized way...at a time, when no one else was doing it. That's why I can confidently say...the man was a genius. His method and the results speak for themselves. It occurred to me, what that method was which is why I came back here to include it. 

Two weeks or so, before that major event he would taper you off. Instead of working even harder...he would reduce the amount of work and give you MORE rest...not less. And instead of going 90%...he bring it down to 70% effort during that tapering period. The workouts became easier...not harder...which allowed your body to recover to full strength and capacity. 

 Instead of more work and less rest...he'd  reverse it to more rest and less effort which seems almost counter intuitive. In reality...allowing your body to fully recover and repair produced ...record breaking times across decades of swimmers.  And his timing was impeccable. He knew exactly when to do it...and would time it perfectly right down to the day.

I guess what I'm saying is...this wasn't a secret. Everyone knew this technique at the time...but everyone also knew that he was the go to man ...when it came to timing. That's what he did better than anyone else.

Reflecting on this, I was thinking, what an honor and a privilege it was, to be lucky enough to be one of his swimmers. I was also thinking about my past employer and her method of motivation and trying to make you work harder to get more out of you. Between less rest and a heavier work load and my coachs method of peak performance...I think I'm going to stick with my coachs method!! Lol There's really no comparison. 

I just want to say I hear you and you're not going crazy. Change absolutely must come from her and for that to happen she has to be able to see the issues and be willing to actively make changes (e.g. optimize and TAKE THOSE MEDS every single day and maybe add an ADHD coach who can hold her accountable so you don't have to). If this is her best, I think it's very valid to exit this before you spend years becoming a workhorse shell of a person like I did. 

Here to give validation as well. You arent crazy but you feel it. I too feel like being on the recieving end of my partners unmanaged adhd, unprocessed trauma and his comstant overwhelmed-ness of life, is a personal form of hell that feels like Dante's 10th level. 

My husband, too, is a "rester". Every day. Every. Damn. Day. For hours. I have no idea where the line is between actual need for rest (bc that would meanthere should be a form of restoration/recouping i feel??)...And what it looks like to me: numbing out and total advoidance. 

Not trying to be a debbie downer but there is literally nothing you can say or do that will change how they see what is thrir need. You gotta figure out how to live with it, work around it without resentment growing (i have no idea how this works bc im in the thick of this right now), or walk away and probably feel a level of guilt and remorse that it will take a special therapist to help u get through it. 

But ive been there, am there, and working through it. My spouse's body decided it has had enough and hes been admitted to the hospital depsite getting literaly 2 sleeps a day for 6 years. 

Its really really tough.