Forum topic: How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?

I truly empathize. You see a worsening of your marriage, her mental and physical health, but have a hard time talking to her about it because, presumably, of RSD signs when she senses criticism.

This is a key difficulty for many of us who’ve loved ADHD people. They don’t feel they’re anything but normal. Their reality that may seem distorted to us, is right for them. They resent their behavior being discussed as problematic. They simply don’t agree with us.

Which is why they don’t care to change. Why should they change?

Should they agree they have problems, solutions may still be blocked by executive dysfunction of ADHD: difficulties with initiative, consistency, and memory. 

Oftentimes it seems they instead think the problem is we don’t love them properly. 

I know exactly how one’s mind can race wanting to save the marriage. If only, one’s brain repeats, if only she’d do this, accept this evaluation, this treatment, this division of chores, think like this instead, stop yelling at me for trying.

But chances are she won’t. 

Of course you want to explain to her how she hurts you. Who wouldn’t? But chances are pointing it out makes everything worse.

You can suggest evaluation and ask for different behavior. But about there, the range of your influence ends. 

If she doesn’t change, do you still want to be with her?

 

I went through this in my marriage as well. How to bring these things up? How to say it in just the right way? How not to hurt them? How to impart that addressing this would really potentially benefit them, our relationship and the household?

What I wish I'd done is just to say it. I learned that there was no perfect way or perfect time for me to do it without my spouse (over)reacting. Agonizing over the when and how really prolonged my pain and let more resentment build. I wish I had known that there was little I could do to control the outcome because of the denial and RSD and I'd just said what I needed to say.

Hi, I’m sorry, it must be quite stressful for you to try to find a good moment or way to communicate it. I was very recently diagnosed as a 40+ woman, and i think my ADHD is genetic, from my mum who i’m pretty sure, has RSD (it has always complicated her relationships, but she and dad are still married all their life, happily though not conflict-free).

I think you need to tell her asap, otherwise it will harm your intimacy & trust, you should not walk on the eggshells, it kills the connection for both. Most importantly for your own knowledge:  RSD can cause ppl to be sensitive for unjusyified reasons, but it also makes them very sensitive for right reasons. so it has pos+ neg side, not only neg… its important for you to know before even initiating the talk. And RSD is also on spectrum. 

How these things are communicated- with kindness and positivity (no pity, worry etc). Just pick a moment she is prepared you want to discuss something, or just casual moment you’re both relaxed, and lead with something  heartfelt, short but genuine that expresses your love/gratitude: you make me so happy/ you’re a love of my life/i’m so happy we’ve built us a life/ you did something really nice/cool. And then tell her that you came across with an article about smth thats a common adhd related aspect & made you think that whilst she is so sensitive for your needs, maybe this is something she’d like to take a look at? Just because you thought it was interesting/had not heard about it before.

Let her digest it a little, don’t be too pushy and go all in. If she gets upset, just be calm and reasssure her. repeat that she is the best woman for you who makes you happy, and sometimes you just feel that she doesn’t believe you even though you’re completelt sincere (or use any nondramatic example) and thats why you wanted to share. 

2nd option is to talk to her therapist (if she is in therapy and ask him/her break it to her). 3rd option is to have a couple’s therapy session, but thats a bit dramatic & can make her feel blindsighted. 

4th option is just to put it toward her in a relaxed moment in a direct calm and nonconfrontational way. If she is autistic- she may value your directness and calmness, if you are straightforward. 
General model: give her short affirmation how much she matters to her and then tell that you feel she sometimes doubt your loving feelings without any reason (or anything about how her potential RSD afftects you personally) and then tell her, you came across with this and ask her if she’d like to take a look… see how it goes down, give her a bit time and then tell that you know a place where they could support her + add that you love her and will never go anywhere. 

AuDHD, only only ADHD people are not handicapped or deficient, their brain is just different with its good parts too. ADHD ppl are often very interested in their condition, and also very curious generally. Make sure you’re not making it more negative and dramatic than it needs to be. 

P.s. I’ve worked in communications all my life- and i feel adhd ppl are easier to communicate with on important topics than neurotypicals, if you keep the vibes positive and curious. 

as your wife is on vyanse, is he also doing therapy/coaching + physical exercise + makes sure she sleeps well? Meds only won’t help, the rest is 50%. 
 

Something I just observed on social media...A man and wife ( her AuADHD ) and him nuerotypical, have a semi-humorous page where he asks her questions and she answers him to show ( everyone ) what theyre life is like together. Its performance, but adlib as well..with her being open to his questions for the camera.

I caught something that drew my attention tp spmething she said. In this kind of "20 Questions" format...he was asking why she did something the way she did. Her response came back as " I do ( this thing )...is there something wrong with that? " 

And her husband, for what ever reason, just flowed on forward and didn't respond to the "is that somwthing wrong with that ( got a problem with that ? ) tag .

And the reason it caught my attention was ...I personally, could think of one BIG problem I'd have with what she was doing, and that has to do with cost. There's a price tag to what she does, and it would definitely add up at the end of the month  if she consistently does what she does, which also makes no logical sense ( which is not relevant ). 

But that reflexive tag line: "is there something wromg with that ? " is a defensive challenge it would seem, to keep people from saying " yes, I have a problem with that because it's costing us both money".

But I'm betting, this never gets said. Just a hunch.  And because, my historical pattern IS to call these things out....I can tell you from experience, as a rule, it's not an answer if ypu do it too much or too often. That does'nt work either.

But in picking your battles, and being  judicious and selective....I would have spoken up and told her "yes, I have a problem with that". If no one ever challenges her back...she can just say "got a problem with that" everywhere she goes, and no one will ever require her to do anything different. 

And itd be better to say it right then, then later on down the road in my mind. 

I can strongly relate to the desire to get your spouse to understand that their patterns are pathological and treatable, and that with guidance and effort your dynamic could become healthier and more balanced.

Unfortunately, what I came to learn is that my husband actually already understands this about himself. Like your wife, he accepted medication but not therapy. I researched ADHD coaches for him as well, and he rejected all of them.

During one fight he finally revealed that he expects, and has always expected, for me to take over the role of his mother. This was a shocking thing for me to hear, but many things clicked into place for me from there. His RSD serves him well, why would he want to treat it? When I bring up something I'd like him to do, he explodes, and then I do it for him because it's better than getting yelled at again. For him, this is a highly desirable system. He would prefer I simply do everything the adults in a home typically do without ever asking him for help, and then he wouldn't have to explode on me -- but either way, it works for him.

Ultimately, I've separated our lives as much as I reasonably can in order to keep my workload manageable and to not endure too much shouting, especially in front of the kids. I do not try to improve our relationship by talking about it, especially not by asking him to contribute or collaborate with me on anything. The most I ask for is for him to watch one of the children, or occasionally both, if that is the only way I can get something done and he agrees that whatever it is needs to be done. We rarely fight now, basically only when he does something that actively creates more work for me on top of everything else. I still struggle to just eat my frustration and walk away.

Unfortunately, I don't think our relationship will improve unless he decides he cares more about our closeness and affection for one another than he does about avoiding the work. I believe I've done all I can do, and stepping back so that we're not constantly fighting about it has moved us off the divorce trajectory and put our marriage on life support.

I honestly don't know! We're very far off from that, the kids are both under 4. I haven't given it a lot of thought. The hope, of course, is that eventually something clicks for him and he starts participating in the normal give-and-take of a household -- not equally, necessarily, but enough. Right now the kids are getting short changed because I am stretched to my limit nearly every day.

We may or may not ever have a normal "empty nester" transition because our older child has special needs. It's unclear right now whether living independently is going to be a goal for her.

Truthfully, I have a hard time seeing how we will hold our marriage together without the kids. On the one hand, it's of course a very stressful time. But on the other hand, we really do need each other. He provides financially (he's semi-retired, but his income is plenty for us) and I take care of the kids day and night. It would be very difficult for him to replace me with regular childcare because our special needs child struggles immensely with transitions and also requires care throughout the night.

If that goes away, what do we have? Less stress but also what shared purpose? I have a very strong commitment to marriage. I have always said that barring physical abuse or outright abandonment, I will stay and try. But I don't know what it looks like without the kids.