Hello Community
First time posting in this forum for me. But I am literally between a Rock and a Hard Place.
My wife and I were married 3-1/2 years ago, a second marriage for both of us. After about a year or so into our marriage, at my urging, she saw a psychiatrist who gave her an ADHD diagnosis. She accepted that, sort of. Vyanse, but no talk therapy. She was in her mid-50s when she received this diagnosis. Her son was diagnosed with Asperger's synrome as a youth. And now both of her other sons have received ADHD diagnosis. I am almost certain one of them is on the austism spectrum, and pretty certain that her mother is, too. So it definitely runs in the family. And I truly believe my wife is on the autism spectrum, as well.
This all comes from a huge amount of reading that I have done as our relationship started off wonderfully, but then things changed as she wasn't as excited about being with me as she was in the beginning of the relationship. As I have read, this is not uncommon for those with ADHD. Things just seemed very different and the relationship changed. I began reading more, and eventually came across this fabulous website that addressed so much of what I was seeing and feeling. Thank you, Melissa Orlov!!!
What I eventually discovered all seem to point to her also being on the autism spectrum, and having signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation (DESR). What I really need at this point is for her to be evaluated by a mental health professional so that it isn't just my unprofessional opinion thinking this to be the case. But where is struggle is even being able to bring this up with her. With RSD and DESR, it's nearly impossible to do without her either feeling I am rejecting her or she can't control her emotions and starts yelling. HELP! Where do I even begin? I feel like I have located someone that is only a few miles away from us that specializes in ADHD and ASD and performs evaluations, but I just can't seem to find the right moment to discuss this with her.
I feel like I am just sinking lower every day. She also has so many physical ailments that I feel are just related to all of these issues and seem to just bounce around from day to day. I feel certain that if she could accept these issues and truly deal with them, she would feel better physically and mentally. And our relationship would improve immensely. Any thoughts, suggestions or input are welcome!
Comments
It’s all normal to her
I truly empathize. You see a worsening of your marriage, her mental and physical health, but have a hard time talking to her about it because, presumably, of RSD signs when she senses criticism.
This is a key difficulty for many of us who’ve loved ADHD people. They don’t feel they’re anything but normal. Their reality that may seem distorted to us, is right for them. They resent their behavior being discussed as problematic. They simply don’t agree with us.
Which is why they don’t care to change. Why should they change?
Should they agree they have problems, solutions may still be blocked by executive dysfunction of ADHD: difficulties with initiative, consistency, and memory.
Oftentimes it seems they instead think the problem is we don’t love them properly.
I know exactly how one’s mind can race wanting to save the marriage. If only, one’s brain repeats, if only she’d do this, accept this evaluation, this treatment, this division of chores, think like this instead, stop yelling at me for trying.
But chances are she won’t.
Of course you want to explain to her how she hurts you. Who wouldn’t? But chances are pointing it out makes everything worse.
You can suggest evaluation and ask for different behavior. But about there, the range of your influence ends.
If she doesn’t change, do you still want to be with her?