Husband and I had a therapist session yesterday whereby he stated I was angry/resentful everyday. Mostly I am just exhausted trying to get things done and deal with his inconsistency. Therapist told us not to return unless we are willing to listen to each other (we have been going since February 2026).
I am at a loss as to what to do. For past 2 weeks, I have not asked husband for much of anything, have not followed up on anything that needs to be done, and have been attempting to just get through each day. He insists my tone and resentment is evident each minute of the day; I do not have the energy to do that to him. He continues to harken back to things that were done/said beyond the past 2 weeks as if he cannot get past them.
I can only assume too much hurt has occurred on both sides. I have taken my marriage vows seriously, but now feel as if continuing on this path is forcing me to shut down what I need. I feel so very sad and defeated.
Comments
Hypersensitivity from repeated pain
This sounds like what happened in the last year of my marriage. My ex and I had dug down so deep into our patterns, we were hypersensitive to each other. He was 18 months into treatment for ADHD and changing medication had altered his personality, too.
I no longer had to do anything, he’d still sense my disappointment and resentment like a burn. My skin crawled just at the sight of him. His boneless horizontal position on furniture gave me heart palpitations.
When this happened, we separated temporarily.
After four months, we made a new attempt to live together but in separate bedrooms since he’d occupied the bedroom all the time, leaving me nowhere to go to rest.
We didn’t make it beyond a few months.
It took me 18 months to get a resting pulse back after he’d finally moved out.
Please consider how this may be affecting your health. If I could go back in time, I’d see a physician earlier. Once I did, he told me to get out of the marriage. And I did. In retrospect I wish he’d prescribed some beta blockers, too.
Neuchatel, I’m so sorry this is happening. Please do whatever you need to protect yourself.
Protecting my own self is worth it
Thank you for your comments. I do realize this is having an effect on me (and my health), so that is why I told husband I could not longer check in with him on anything as he becomes SO reactive I simply cannot take the drama. We had a talk today that was not easy by any means; even though he is about the smartest person I know, he acts as if he does not understand what I say (even when I carefully explain it), and then accuses me of just implying it is all his fault. I have owned my responsibility in our relationship, but I am just worn out in being the one who considers what I can do to make things better on a daily basis (whereas he only does so when he thinks of it - if at all). Due to his actions, I no longer trust he will protect me, our finances, or our retirement funds, so I must think carefully about what I need to do to protect myself. I am terribly sad it has come to this point, as I never anticipated he would do what is right for him, but not for us.
A flip
It’s cruel, but I relate to this as well. Feeling misunderstood and criticized enough finally made my ex too lose consideration for how his actions affected me. Coupled with his unawareness of the (terrible) effect his untreated conditions had had already, this was painful.
There was a flip, when he decided to save himself and no longer cared about me.
At that point, it’s easy to wish you hadn’t spent the last years accommodating his illness and stretching yourself thin.
Most couples therapy and most
Most couples therapy and most marital advice/self-help is premised on the assumption that there is a problematic dynamic to which both spouses contribute, and therefore that both have something to work on. A lot of people with ADHD (certainly all with RSD) will leverage that to reassure themselves that they're not the problem, especially if they're not ready to change. They will find fault with you, real or imagined, and usually they will convince themselves that they can't change until you do.
However, in many of these relationships the dynamic is a parentified spouse and a pseudo-child spouse, and the parentified spouse can't abandon their role in the dynamic without causing both of their lives to fall apart, sometimes with consequences that could last for many years -- or for life -- and affect innocent children or dependents. If they could stop, they would have. They are desperate to share the burden they've been forced to carry alone for too long.
Of course, there will always be something. You're always irritable. You get frustrated with relatively trivial mistakes. When you finally find some time to spend together, you seem preoccupied and unable to enjoy yourself. You don't respond to their messages quickly enough. You don't read the articles or listen to the podcasts they send at all hours of the day and night. You say you're too tired for sex. You're not taking care of yourself.
A very wise therapist will notice that all of these may be symptoms of a person who is chronically overburdened with the demands placed on them, and that asking even one more thing of them without relieving some pressure somewhere else will make them crack. But I'll venture that most therapists are not particularly wise, and many of them are also completely ignorant of how ADHD households work -- as ignorant as the rest of us were when we decided to enter this marriage.
Well Said Saguine
This makes a lot of sense.
Moral aspects of ADHD-non conflicts
I agree Sanguine. There’s a reflex at least in my culture to assume conflicting partners are both equally to blame. Unless there’s physical violence perhaps.
The thing about ADHD-non marriage conflict in my opinion is it isn’t best described in moral terms. Since conflict is driven by lack of understanding and lack of ability, it’s rather a clumsy blindfolded nightmare version of regular conflict. I guess it’d be correct to say both my ex and I have endured a lot of emotional abuse. However, none of us has intended harm. We’re both generally empathetic and kind people. None of us has been able to understand the other enough to prevent harm.
If the ADHD partner has no control of their symptoms, like reactivity, defensiveness, impulsive eruptions, can they be blamed?
If the non partner leaks resentment and frustration, thereby hurting their ADHD spouse to the core and shattering their self esteem, is that morally wrong?
Both people are perhaps on the very edge of what they can manage, emotionally and physically. I’ve found it’s very difficult to apply morality onto the acts of desperate people who feel they’re just trying to defend themselves from the other’s hurtful actions.
But morality aside, I do blame ADHD for most if not all of what destroyed my marriage. And yes, common knowledge of how non-ADHD partners suffer in ADHD marriages is low. And yes, therapists cannot be assumed to be aware either.
It’s a rotten position, being married to a badly regulated ADHD person, trying to make them see your life is falling apart because of it and asking them to help.
Generally, I’ve found nobody is very understanding, except a few dear friends who’ve shared similar experiences. There’s not much help to be had, no matter how chronically overburdened you are.
But there’s this forum.
Why does he not get it?
I told husband today that I am going back to therapist on my own to determine what I need to do for my future and wellbeing. He said he understood and that he realizes he needs to do a lot (get adequate sleep, follow up, etc.). He still makes NO attempt to speak to me about anything to do with our relationship. When we met with therapist last week, he said he was thinking about things and needed to talk to me, but he has yet to do so. How does he not understand that the lack of communication is going to end our 40+ year relationship? I am truly astounded.
I feel as if I have no choice but to protect myself (since he has no interest in discussing finances). I feel so incredibly sad that he is unable to push himself to make even a small effort to show how he feels rather than just tell me all is under consideration. I need to let go of the fantasy that he actually cares enough to act.
He might care
He might care, even a lot, but still not be able to do what’s needed.
To act in a way that shows he cares, he needs prioritizing skills, initiative, ability to decide, conclude, verbalize, and finish things off. All these executive abilities may be down due to ADHD.
I can relate so much to what you describe, it’s awful. Only wish I could do something to help.
He may indeed care
I have had a couple more conversations with husband. He states he sometimes fails to talk about issues as he is concerned it will devolve into an argument - I recently learned that even disagreeing with him leads him to believe we are arguing. Since I am an outspoken person, if I disagree with him then I will tell him so.
I gave him clear indication that NOT speaking leads me to feel as if he does not care. It will be very sad if our relationship fails simply because he does not want to risk anything. Guess that is really my answer.
Avoidance
Avoidance like you describe is so harmful to the relationship. It seems shutting down communication is a way for an overwhelmed ADHD person to avoid conflict. They think it’s the safe option. Instead it’s a highway to disaster.
Thinking of you.
Indeed a Disaster
Tried to talk to husband but he is offended I do not trust him after he has taken household funds to support his business. Three times he told me he would not do it, and yet he did so each time not even bothering to speak to me. I feel stupid I did not speak up earlier. He now insists that 30% of our retirement funds are “his” only, and he will use them as he sees fit for his business and will not allow me any veto power. He states I only wish to control all the money, while I tell him I just wish to work as partners. I so wish to see a way forward but right now see none. He insists he will hire a lawyer to protect his interests (like changing account names, etc.). He has forgotten I removed him from savings and checking 4 years ago when he started this behavior. We are a community property state, so assets will be split 50/50 despite anything I may do.
I have always been a firm believer in that it takes as much effort to destroy a relationship as it does to keep one in place. I have been trying very hard, but have felt very alone in my efforts except for the times he does think of what he needs to do around house. He acts as if he is weighed down with what I expect - welcome to life! I do all the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, meal prep, most of the clearning, and work as well. Guess that is not enough…..
I feel like running down the road screaming.
Losing my mind
Husband’s business has not been profitable since 2019. He keeps pumping retirement funds into business (since he now states 30% of our retirement funds are for his use only) since he only has an overly optimistic view of all his business planning (despite anything that has occurred in the past - he only wishes to look forward!).
I have an appointment by myself with therapist tomorrow. I feel it is my decision to stay or go, but I am beginning to feel as if I am the unreasonable one due to husband’s insistence. Am I unreasonable to want financial security during our retirement years and even have some input as to how retirement funds are expended? I fully realize some funds are from his parents’ estates; it appears this emboldens him to believe he may use them as he wishes without a word to me. He has now told me he will no longer listen to anything I have to say regarding these funds, and he will hire a lawyer to protect “his” interests. Maybe my answer is staring me in the face……
Family Mediation
Therapist told me today she believes family mediation is a great idea to try. I have called the lawyer I consulted with previously for a referral. I do not know if my husband will agree to it. After careful consideration, this is my last chance before making a decision to leave.
Good for you!
Mediation sounds like an excellent choice. I’m keeping all fingers crossed.
Inheritance
Where I live, an inheritance given to an adult child is considered their money alone, even if married, providing they've kept it in a separate account. If they mix the funds in the household, like putting it towards the shared mortgage, etc., then it's considered household money. I'm sure there are exceptions to this. So depending on your laws, maybe legally he's correct, but in a marriage as long as yours, I feel like most couples would be collaborative about such decisions.
I really hope mediation can get you to a better place, Neuchatel.
Inheritance is considered marital funds
Since husband did not place any of funds from his parents’ inheritance in separate accounts, they are now considered marital assets in our state. I am a somewhat hopeful mediation may give both of us some clarity (maybe to get him to finally see that putting more money into a nonprofitable business is not such a great idea), but also realize this is the “last chance” for saving our relationship and marriage. On some level, I feel as if he is blind to what he is doing since he is convinced he will succeed despite what has occurred in past. While he feels I look to the past too much, he ignores it entirely.
I am researching the mediators recommended by the attorney I consulted to find the correct one for our situation, then will approach husband to see if he will agree to it. Fingers crossed!
That's good news!
Glad to hear that at least these are definitely joint funds, which really supports your right to have equal say over how they're spent/invested. Wishing you good luck!
Mediator update
Mediator unavailable till September. I was really hoping for an earlier date. Guess I have waited this long that I can wait another month.
I can do this
It is Saturday morning and husband is yet again on phone with clients. He continues to work 7 days a week. We spoke last week about him scheduling 1 day off per week (I have been asking for months if not years), and he told me it would take him a couple of weeks to do it. Wow! Guess that is really my answer to all.
We are scheduled for Family Mediation in mid-September to try and compromise on the joint account that he now claims is all “his.” This is my last effort to try and save the relationship. Since February 2026, I have been attending counseling, changing my behavior, and trying to engage him in a better fashion. He has blamed me, avoided talking, and made it clear during counseling that he is a victim in this relationship. I am just so very sad that he has chosen his business/clients over our relationship. Yesterday was our 44th anniversary; I did not feel like celebrating.
Is he really on the phone with clients
Is there a possibility it's all fake and he can't stop stealing your money because if he did, he would have to admit it is all a ruse? What kind of business needs tens of thousands of dollars infused into it every year?
He is on phone with clients
I know for a fact he is on the phone with clients and the funds are being used for his business. He is just a very bad business manager, and frequently subscribes to software and other products that he never uses. I have been asking for a business budget for years, but he has been unable to put one together (despite being a finance major in college) as his idea of a budget is just to “earn money.”
I did my best
To make certain husband understands I am doing all I can to repair relationship, I mistakenly thought talking to him today would be a good idea. Despite stating I was at a crossroads and wanted to keep our relationship intact, husband considered this a “threat” and told me I am: too controlling, hyperfocus on small inconsequential things, and I want him to come to me on “bended knee.” Guess I have my answer - I HAVE done all I can but his choice to to be angry, defensiveness, and deflect all responsibility from his behavior and actions. He insisted that when he took joint investment funds for his business in late 2025 (with no word to me) it was NOT a betrayal of my trust in him; he apologize for behavior and insists that should be end of it. To keep from lying in future, he now tells me joint investment funds are “his” only to use as he wishes (for his business). This is why I scheduled Family Mediation for mid-September.
I am beyond sad that he can see nothing else but his anger and resentment of my behavior (that I have been making a concerted effort to discuss/change since February 2026). I am meeting with our financial advisor this week in order to determine what I need to do (financially) to ensure I can survive/thrive when I leave. This was not what I had planned to be doing at age 67. I may need to continue to work to ensure I have a comfortable retirement. Such is life!
I'm so sorry
Just wanted to send a virtual hug. You have tried so hard to keep the marriage intact. Whatever happens, you can do this. Look what you've endured so far.
Some months in the future when this is somewhat sorted, your life is likely so be so much simpler and your nervous system will get to relax for the first time in years (decades?). It's a really good feeling. You don't even know how stressed and activated you are when you're in it until you're not anymore.
What’s fair and what’s real
It sounds like he’s twisting reality to suit himself. This is manipulative and dishonest.
I’ve seen the same kind of reasoning in my ex too. What he felt was fair and real had nothing to do with agreements made or the realities of my life. My partner finished our 22 year relationship off with claiming he’d never really agreed to any of our life choices. He’d just said yes because he couldn’t stand up for himself. And now he’d make up for it by helping himself to funds.
Which means our whole life was a lie. I damaged my health and financial security based on disinformation.
This is ADHD reasoning under pressure. It reveals a lot. Especially since I don’t think my ex is evil. I think his mind is so disorganized it can’t tell structural dishonesty and complete relationship breakdown apart from ‘a stressful time’, the latter is his description of our divorce. He has no idea why I want nothing to do with him.
I’m so sorry about the financial aspects too. I really hope you’ll be comfortable when things are settled.
Appreciate the support
1Melody1 and Swedish Coast - I cannot tell you how very much I appreciate your comments and support. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a dream and none of this real. Husband is so insistent about what he thinks/feels that sometimes it causes me to doubt myself and my feelings.
I know that I HAVE made every effort to save the relationship (on my part) and that is why I am also going through with the Family Mediation in mid-September. I asked husband what he thought this would bring - he agreed it could be a resolution but I have significant doubts that he will concede anything on his part.
Husband is a good, kind, and extremely generous person, not to mention he is brilliant. It is difficult to reconcile his lack of reasoning in our relationship due to his high level of intelligence. Intelligence does not always equate emotional maturity. I am confident he will classify our break up with my “needs” and will determine it has nothing to do with his behavior.
I am not sleeping well, and just trying to get through each day. I am grateful I am still working 3 days a week as at least it gives me opportunity to be away from him. Moving out of house I have lived in for 42 years will not be easy, but I do realize there will be a peace that has not been here for a very long time.
Intelligence
Neuchatel, you can be proud of your independent thinking. It takes a lot of strength to keep one’s own perspective after trying for so long to keep a relationship together.
About intelligence, isn’t that the strangest thing about ADHD dysfunction? That it has nothing to do with intelligence? You’d suppose a highly intelligent, educated person would reason in a way you recognize as logical. Instead logic might be lost, since executive dysfunction blocks whatever pathways lead there.
I’ve found it terrifying. It’s still my biggest trigger, talking to people who say things that don’t make sense. Or whose standard response to confusion and conflict is to shut down.
Like at work today, I had a few of these experiences. People who acted on some or other emotional whim or strange idea, stating absurd things, with no apparent ability to see the larger picture. It literally makes me sweat, even though they didn’t make any trouble. I’m just so sensitive to it, it’s ridiculous.
Thinking of you.
Strength is the only thing I have left
Swedish Coast - Thank you for your kind words. Years ago, I never would have had this strength, but after caring for 4 elderly parents (Mom is now the last one left) and dealing with the VA for all of them, I found I had much more grit in me than I ever imagined. Both my husband and I were raised in military families (our fathers were both career military) and I believe this instills a lot of independence when you are growing up as you have to adapt to whatever is thrown at you.
You are correct in that it appears the decision making process is somehow stymied for my husband. He makes a lot of good decisions for his clients, but when it comes to our relationship, he throws up his hands as if he has no idea how to proceed. Of course, some of his decision making has not been the best since his business has not been profitable since 2020.
The forums here have been instrumental in keeping me sane, along with a good therapist and the few friends I have left. I know the way forward alone may not be easy, but realize I can definitely navigate it. I am meeting with financial advisor tomorrow to ensure if marital assets are split 50/50, I will have enough to be comfortable (or at least figure out how much longer I will need to work). I am an highly organized and detailed person so those traits are serving me well. Although I will admit that I have had moments when I feel like running down the street screaming.
You’ve got this
Neuchatel, it sounds like you’ll do well (better) on your own.
It’s so hard to see a life partner fall apart functionally, though. A huge disappointment. At least for me it’s also meant general lack of trust in loved ones, people in general, my own ability, my own worth. I’ve spent three years terrified of being alive. It is getting better, though. I’m starting to live my own life, not constantly missing the old life and my partner despite all his dysfunction.
For skilled and capable people like you, I think the future might be brighter than it feels like at the point you are now.