Make no mistake, addressing our relationships with ADHD partners no matter our own personal issues which may contribute or complicate matters is not just a marathon (certainly not a sprint), it is an ultramarathon mountain race on par with the Montblanc. It's hard, and it remains hard, for both partners. I must remind myself constantly to hang in, talk myself off various cliffs (giving up, giving out, walking away...), and pick myself up and get back in there and fight. My wife is extraordinary, I do love her and enjoy us together when we're in a good place. I also regularly hear Roy Orbison belting out "She's a Mystery to Me" in my head. I am mentally and physically tough, and this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done.
I write because it's a form of gestalt for me and because I hope it's helpful to others. In my last post, I detailed some history and state of progress in working on the issues arising from my ADHD spouse's symptoms. Here, I update. In my profession, my forte was assembling teams of credible experts to provide complete coverage of generally accepted approaches and act as second opinions/validation for each other. My wife and I are now each working with two therapists, and this week will begin work with a fifth specializing in couples' therapy. I often smile when reflecting on the line from Mario Puzzo's "The Last Don", "He was a quality man and spared no expense". The team consists of an M.D. psychiatrist practicing talk therapy who did an internship focused on ADHD at one point in his career and a CBT/DBT specialist in eating disorders for my wife; a specialist in CBT/DBT who herself is diagnosed with ADHD and a Ph.D psychologist who practices a mix originated in England consisting of both elements of talk therapy and CBT/DBT and mindfulness for me; and, last, a Ph.D psychologist specializing in couples' therapy. We both find the talk therapy (think slow cooker the end result of which has potential to be really great once you get there) very useful to help us uncover triggers and learned behaviors/patterns dating to childhood and past relationships. We both need the CBT/DBT to get the tools immediately necessary to keep the patient (us and our relationship) alive on the operating table (think a microwave oven). Rachel Ban has used the term "in hospice" for couples in extremis, which I find apt. I originally started with a pure talk therapist who, appreciate him though I might, simply wasn't a fit and was progressing like molasses dripping in January.
We are now well into our second year of working on our issues and our relationship, have inarguably made demonstrable progress, and also inarguably continue to struggle. Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD. We have continued to have points at which I feel like, and tell her, she doesn't seem happy with me, she doesn't seem to like being with me, and she doesn't seem to want to be with me, so let's cut our losses and end the suffering. And yet, we are continuing to work and assign resources to the work.
The two most important insights I've gained recently are these: It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them. Of signal import to me, after listening very closely to description of an incident in which we'd made a decision my spouse repeatedly negated over my objections and statements of my need to stick to the originally agreed plan, my therapist stated his own realization out loud: "She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist, herself an ADHD adult, likewise commented, "She’s in the next moment for her and no longer sees you."
The ADHD partner, in this case, has obtained what for them is a first step in their own agenda which may have little in common with what I perceive as a clear plan to go on a date together. The ADHD partner has obtained the incremental agreement of the non-ADHD spouse to day, time, location and a general plan which, for them, is the first step to invite a larger group of friends. Literally, as the ADHD spouse calls to make reservations for 6, or 3, or later 4 more people in front of the non-ADHD spouse as (in my case) they are waving and verbalizing, "No, no, no, it's a reservation for two, it's just us...", they continue on as if we do not exist. Finally, as we wait for a ride to the venue I'm informed Option 2 didn't work out and she has invited two different people to join, neither of whom I want to spend the evening with. Because, as articulated by my therapists, the ADHD adult is in the next moment focused solely on the plan in their own head. The information I add in that moment goes right into the mix, with zero priority, buried with every other piece of information subjugated to the focus of the moment. Like a word problem solved in retrospective consideration, I see all this clearly from the education I've received about ADHD adults and our relationships with them. It's easy to experience this as a rejection, to be hurt and sad and angry that my partner doesn't want to be with me and is desperate to avoid intimate one-on-one experiences with me, to experience this as disrespect, rude and a passive aggressive violation of my boundaries--AND I must remember that makes no sense because only a few days previous we'd had a great date night and a lot of fun together. As we would do again days after this episode. So, rationally, intellectually, I must recognize it is something else even while my negative thoughts and feelings run rampant. Which is why I'm in therapy--to learn to recognize those feelings when they arise and employ the tools necessary to manage them and avoid an escalation as was the case almost daily a year ago. AND, we are both doing much better on that count. As hard as I am working, she is as well. The couples therapy will focus on, shocker, communication. The issue is that my ADHD partner knows, acknowledges the value and benefit of, and has agreed with me to use the communication tools we learned in our couples seminar here, but even as I'm putting up my hands in a "stop" gesture and say I do not want to talk about a topic further at this time she blows through it like it's not even a speed bump. "Yes, I see you do not want to talk about this anymore now...And, furthermore blah blah blah..."
I have been given multiple vehicles (rationalizations is what they really are) to sidestep her denial for now. Some are a real trip. But at the heart of each is a recognition she is experiencing a different reality and processing of it than I do and is not intent on hurting me. I am not in the "superpower" camp, and my view is that the impact is serious dysfunction that must ultimately be addressed and not sidestepped. For all the reasons discussed in this forum it is a horrible burden on the non-ADHD partner, and also I think a kind of living hell for the ADHD partner. From time to time I reach a point of complete exhaustion and total desperation. The progress and regression is a continuous cycle. There remains an absolute need, if I am committed to give her and our relationship a chance, to buy time for her to progress in her own therapy and come to terms with the reality of her ADHD.
My final point in this post is this: it requires great patience, perseverance and emotional strength to exercise the "stop loss" necessary to minimize ongoing and additional harm while each seriously addresses the issues in the marriage ADHD-related and (almost always) otherwise present. A lot of support is in order, professional, and through friends and family when "safe" and available. There is no silver bullet, in all likelihood no permanent and complete fix in any positive outcome, and it takes time and a lot of it. That's the truth for me.
Comments
Struggling
I've re-read your post so many times. Im really struggling with the feelings it invokes in me because I can understand everything you wrote on such a deep level.
I've been asked many times "what would I say to my son if he comes to me with the same problems im having now in my marriage" or "do you wish this for your kids?"
And reading your post feels like ive had a mirror put up to me and im really struggling with how to process it.
As I read, I kept wanting to say to you "what's the reward/expected result from this mammoth effort you're putting in??" Whats the end goal? Because this reads as A LOT of effort for what possibly will be a minimal return. If no return to be perfectly and bluntly honest. And I say this bc ive had a good therapist put that question to me as well.
There's no gold star provided by anyone at the end of this road. There's no reward of a trophy or marking of a milestone in this either. It's just yourself and the relationships around you that you can only hope they will be there in the end. But ultimately you have to live with YOU at the end of the day.
Is your therapist really challenging you? Is your marriage therapist acknowledging the work u guys are putting in elsewhere and using that in ur sessions? Because a lot times, that doesnt actually help - it can hinder. Individial therapy is not for a couple and vice versa.
I cant help but read how much work and struggling you're under and partaking in, and just wondering what the expected result is to be??
For Off the Roller
Apologies for the delayed response--all the response notifications went to my spam folder for some reason. I appreciate your comment and the ultimate question, which each therapist I've worked with has asked. My wife is an extraordinary woman and human being. We have so much in common, both in terms of interests and attitude we have a level of mutual understanding I've had with few other people in my life. I won't belabor the list of superlatives, but my evaluation from very early on to this point is that she, individually and in my life, is worth the effort. I should caveat, I can be ruthless in asserting boundaries and a lesson I learned as a Marine infantry officer: don't reinforce failure. My own cost/benefit analysis is pretty harsh. That is for everyone's benefit because I believe you pose exactly the right question and I believe any of us in the non- or less severe ADHD position need to take care around our own denial, refusal to accept reality, and susceptibility to voting with our hearts and not our heads.
My wife is capable of insight and acceptance leading to direct action to address her issues. She has done so at several other points. I admit I'm mystified as to why she is so reluctant to accept her ADHD, but she's essentially stated it is distinct from her other issues precisely because she considers it a form of cognitive and intellectual disability or defect. That is particularly stigmatizing for her.
My objective is to give her the space and time to work through treatment and come to accept her ADHD. My expectation is this: she will reach that point in the next year or she won't, and if she does I will assess her commitment to specific therapeutic interventions and progress. I believe based her demonstrable acceptance and recoveries related to separate issues she is capable of doing this. And so, we will see. The thrust of my post is intended to be cautionary and validating for all who are struggling like I am. In our case I don't think it is hopeless (yet) or I wouldn't be doing all this simply to churn. And, I also want to say, it cannot be open-ended without intermediate objectives and milestones to be met.
My ultimate hope is that she will accept she has ADHD, come to understand its symptoms and impact on others and relationship dynamics, and learn to manage her defensiveness, shame, and sense of stigma and accept that we need a different process to communication, plan and execute plans and that doesn't constitute a personal attack or gaslighting. And I need to accept that there's a range of things I can let go because they really don't matter.
At this point I can't speak clearly to the interrelationship between therapists. For me, personally, each has a discreet task with some expected overlap. Our marriage therapist is just in the initial phases of his work with us and it remains to be seen how if at all he will leverage work with the individual therapists. My sense from him at this point is that he has his own modalities he uses and he will not be "cribbing" or accepting on face value what we tell him about our individual work. I've maintained a complete "wall" between my individual therapists (they don't know the other exists), and while making some general references to status in individual therapy to our couples therapist it's been directed to telling him those therapists recommended against proceeding with couples work for over a year and now believe we're both at a point it can be beneficial.
I want to respond to the other comments and will do so in the next day or so. Thanks to you and all for your comments. Exactly the kind of direct and real feedback I'd hope for in this forum.
Agree with Off the Roller
It struck me too - what you describe is a Herculean effort to balance something that is inherently unbalanced.
As soon as there is a little less effort put in, there will be a tilt.
And this matters since what I perceive as core ADHD dysfunction is exactly this: lack of consistency, lack of memory, lack of prioritization, compartmentalization and organized thought. In a matter of weeks, agreements in my marriage were always forgotten. Other stronger currents made behavior drift.
And when that happened, damaging trust, there was ADHD unawareness and lack of initiative, lack of repair.
And there was also shame and denial about all of the above.
We finally had excellent help, like you, spared nothing and saw the best professionals. Only they had no influence over ADHD behavior. Certainly not at home, and certainly not a couple of days after a therapy session.
I hope you will have a better outcome than we had. I was pushed to a point where I decided to never again make any efforts for him.
Hello, Swedish Coast
First and foremost, thank you for commenting. You capture my greatest fear, that the nature of the disorder precludes a positive outcome. I do take some hope from other quarters in the mental health professions in which historic belief that BPD and sociopathy are untreatable and now, particularly with BPD great progress has been made and even (among highly specialized professionals) some hope has been offered for those on the lower end of the sociopathy continuum. You hit a key point in common with my own situation: trust. If my partner is going to claim, every time I inform her that her recollection is faulty and that we had a plan, agreement, or an event, she now doesn't remember that I'm gaslighting her, we're in a hopeless position. If I feel I can never rely on her to acknowledge understanding she has a neurodivergent cognitive process that, because of its variance from mine, results in memory lapse and miscommunication and work with me rather than going completely defensive and pulling us into the SRR loop, it's all over at the Alamo. I'm really sorry your marriage wound up where it has and I empathize. I've already seen some of what you describe in response to therapy and relationship work we did with ADHD and Marriage, and am watching closely but hoping we may get a better outcome with some time. I appreciate how painful your own experience must be to recount and again thank you for sharing it with me.
This
"Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD."
And
"It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them."
And
"She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist, herself an ADHD adult, likewise commented, "She’s in the next moment for her and no longer sees you."
Let me try to pull these things together from my own AuDhd point of view. The best way I can think of is sharing a different experience I've also had my entire life, which I think can relate this well.
I was born with a ( or developed ) a hearing loss as a infant. I've only known "hard of hearing" as a way of life, and adapted accordingly. It wasn't until just 4 years ago when I got hearing aids for the first time, that I realized just how much I missed when people talk to me. Hearing aids give me almost "bionic hearing" now since I can raise the volume at will. Now, I hear everything especially when I turn then up to full volune ( which is actually too much most times ).
Without realizing it, my adaptations most likely gave me the ability to hear fewer words, but still derive the massage or meaning of wgst people say. In a normal sentence, I may miss certain words, but hear enough to complete my understanding. That's the good part. I'm very good at doing this and it works most of the time. With hearing aids, it's a must easier process and I don't have to work so hard to hear people when they speak.
On the down side. Also, without realizing it, I simply stop saying: "what?", "excuse me?", "I didn't hear that last part?", "you didn't do..what?"...or a dozen other things you might say when you miss a key word. It's because I'd be doing it all the time none stop, and people would quickly get annoyed. Trust me, they do. So, I simply don't....and get what I need in context or, by filling in the blanks as best I can. It's far less than ideal...and sometimes, I use to miss key important words which later come back to bite me.
I'm not suggesting this as a possibility for anyone else, I'm just explaing what happens naturally, when one of your major senses is compromised. Also, poor hearing isn't something people don't understand. I've never been embarrassed to say "can you speak up, I'm a little hard of hearing". Everyone understands this and it's not a big deal ( to them or me ).
Which I can relate to the first quote about denial. In my case, denial was no issue including any stigma since I can mostly hear just fine. The denial is protection, from admitting you have somwthing wrong with you for what ever reason that is. Nothing is ever going to happen if you can't do things to fix the problem. That's a wall there's no getting around.
In my last relwtionship with X. I don't think remembers much of anything quite frankly. But, like me with my hesaring loss...she's adapted by not admitting she can't remember ...because she'd saying "I didn't/don't remember all the time. Like me, if she actually admitted every time she can't remember...people would get really annoyed after a while. So, like my example, she just doesn't. The only difference...I don't have a problem saying I don't hear well ( and do quite often one time to anyone ) she, on the other hand, is hiding it out of shame. That changes things dramatically between the two of us and how this affects others. I think pushing or trying to get someone to admit their dysfunction is at the heart of the "friction" you mentioned. IMHO.
The last quote is self explanitory but, if a person has adapted ( a lifelong pattern ) by not admitting they can't remember or having some kind of dysfunction, then theyre going to dig in....and just not. They'll do sonething else instead.
In the case of my hearing, it's kind of hard not to notice. I was, and have been, fully aware of this issue. And, I have always been fully aware, that people get annoyed at to many "can you repeat that?". These things were very clear from long ago.
So in this one instance...I'm also aware of when I miss a word or two...and choose not to say anything. I get the jist in context...and move on. Most of the time, it's just easier to not to say anything. This became very apparebt when I finally got hesring aids.
But if a person is in denial, they're probably not even aware, they chroniclly avoid admitting it as a fixed pattern of behavior. "Not admitting"...IS their default as an adaptation. I also think this is/was, a fixture in my own family of origin.
IMHO
Thanks, J
Your comments and effort to relate them to your own hearing loss is really important. I can relate as well because I suffer a profound hearing loss related my military service. There's really something to your story, and I think it's very useful to keep in mind that we can help our ADHD partner if we can address what is happening without applying labels that are triggering for them. At this point for my wife and I, she is inconsistent in acknowledging the facts of her symptoms, for example acknowledging both short term and long term memory loss, inability to keep track of schedules, time/space relationships, planning and procrastination. But, sometimes she does acknowledge it and she absolutely acknowledges the resulting dynamics in our relationship. I think there's something to the soft approach, avoiding labels and assigning "fault" while acknowledging the issues that arise from behaviors, acts and omissions and trying to address those. There's a line to walk there, which is a part of what I'm working on with my personal therapist--separating what I can just let go, what I don't need to react to, what I don't even need to respond to. I believe I can get there if that gives my partner sufficient space to function without feeling shame, judgment and react defensively. The question there is whether that will be the outcome or she uses that space to push past my boundaries and we wind up on that hill I'm forced to see our marriage die on. Thanks again.