Make no mistake, addressing our relationships with ADHD partners no matter our own personal issues which may contribute or complicate matters is not just a marathon (certainly not a sprint), it is an ultramarathon mountain race on par with the Montblanc. It's hard, and it remains hard, for both partners. I must remind myself constantly to hang in, talk myself off various cliffs (giving up, giving out, walking away...), and pick myself up and get back in there and fight. My wife is extraordinary, I do love her and enjoy us together when we're in a good place. I also regularly hear Roy Orbison belting out "She's a Mystery to Me" in my head. I am mentally and physically tough, and this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done.
I write because it's a form of gestalt for me and because I hope it's helpful to others. In my last post, I detailed some history and state of progress in working on the issues arising from my ADHD spouse's symptoms. Here, I update. In my profession, my forte was assembling teams of credible experts to provide complete coverage of generally accepted approaches and act as second opinions/validation for each other. My wife and I are now each working with two therapists, and this week will begin work with a fifth specializing in couples' therapy. I often smile when reflecting on the line from Mario Puzzo's "The Last Don", "He was a quality man and spared no expense". The team consists of an M.D. psychiatrist practicing talk therapy who did an internship focused on ADHD at one point in his career and a CBT/DBT specialist in eating disorders for my wife; a specialist in CBT/DBT who herself is diagnosed with ADHD and a Ph.D psychologist who practices a mix originated in England consisting of both elements of talk therapy and CBT/DBT and mindfulness for me; and, last, a Ph.D psychologist specializing in couples' therapy. We both find the talk therapy (think slow cooker the end result of which has potential to be really great once you get there) very useful to help us uncover triggers and learned behaviors/patterns dating to childhood and past relationships. We both need the CBT/DBT to get the tools immediately necessary to keep the patient (us and our relationship) alive on the operating table (think a microwave oven). Rachel Ban has used the term "in hospice" for couples in extremis, which I find apt. I originally started with a pure talk therapist who, appreciate him though I might, simply wasn't a fit and was progressing like molasses dripping in January.
We are now well into our second year of working on our issues and our relationship, have inarguably made demonstrable progress, and also inarguably continue to struggle. Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD. We have continued to have points at which I feel like, and tell her, she doesn't seem happy with me, she doesn't seem to like being with me, and she doesn't seem to want to be with me, so let's cut our losses and end the suffering. And yet, we are continuing to work and assign resources to the work.
The two most important insights I've gained recently are these: It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them. Of signal import to me, after listening very closely to description of an incident in which we'd made a decision my spouse repeatedly negated over my objections and statements of my need to stick to the originally agreed plan, my therapist stated his own realization out loud: "She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist, herself an ADHD adult, likewise commented, "She’s in the next moment for her and no longer sees you."
The ADHD partner, in this case, has obtained what for them is a first step in their own agenda which may have little in common with what I perceive as a clear plan to go on a date together. The ADHD partner has obtained the incremental agreement of the non-ADHD spouse to day, time, location and a general plan which, for them, is the first step to invite a larger group of friends. Literally, as the ADHD spouse calls to make reservations for 6, or 3, or later 4 more people in front of the non-ADHD spouse as (in my case) they are waving and verbalizing, "No, no, no, it's a reservation for two, it's just us...", they continue on as if we do not exist. Finally, as we wait for a ride to the venue I'm informed Option 2 didn't work out and she has invited two different people to join, neither of whom I want to spend the evening with. Because, as articulated by my therapists, the ADHD adult is in the next moment focused solely on the plan in their own head. The information I add in that moment goes right into the mix, with zero priority, buried with every other piece of information subjugated to the focus of the moment. Like a word problem solved in retrospective consideration, I see all this clearly from the education I've received about ADHD adults and our relationships with them. It's easy to experience this as a rejection, to be hurt and sad and angry that my partner doesn't want to be with me and is desperate to avoid intimate one-on-one experiences with me, to experience this as disrespect, rude and a passive aggressive violation of my boundaries--AND I must remember that makes no sense because only a few days previous we'd had a great date night and a lot of fun together. As we would do again days after this episode. So, rationally, intellectually, I must recognize it is something else even while my negative thoughts and feelings run rampant. Which is why I'm in therapy--to learn to recognize those feelings when they arise and employ the tools necessary to manage them and avoid an escalation as was the case almost daily a year ago. AND, we are both doing much better on that count. As hard as I am working, she is as well. The couples therapy will focus on, shocker, communication. The issue is that my ADHD partner knows, acknowledges the value and benefit of, and has agreed with me to use the communication tools we learned in our couples seminar here, but even as I'm putting up my hands in a "stop" gesture and say I do not want to talk about a topic further at this time she blows through it like it's not even a speed bump. "Yes, I see you do not want to talk about this anymore now...And, furthermore blah blah blah..."
I have been given multiple vehicles (rationalizations is what they really are) to sidestep her denial for now. Some are a real trip. But at the heart of each is a recognition she is experiencing a different reality and processing of it than I do and is not intent on hurting me. I am not in the "superpower" camp, and my view is that the impact is serious dysfunction that must ultimately be addressed and not sidestepped. For all the reasons discussed in this forum it is a horrible burden on the non-ADHD partner, and also I think a kind of living hell for the ADHD partner. From time to time I reach a point of complete exhaustion and total desperation. The progress and regression is a continuous cycle. There remains an absolute need, if I am committed to give her and our relationship a chance, to buy time for her to progress in her own therapy and come to terms with the reality of her ADHD.
My final point in this post is this: it requires great patience, perseverance and emotional strength to exercise the "stop loss" necessary to minimize ongoing and additional harm while each seriously addresses the issues in the marriage ADHD-related and (almost always) otherwise present. A lot of support is in order, professional, and through friends and family when "safe" and available. There is no silver bullet, in all likelihood no permanent and complete fix in any positive outcome, and it takes time and a lot of it. That's the truth for me.
Comments
Struggling
I've re-read your post so many times. Im really struggling with the feelings it invokes in me because I can understand everything you wrote on such a deep level.
I've been asked many times "what would I say to my son if he comes to me with the same problems im having now in my marriage" or "do you wish this for your kids?"
And reading your post feels like ive had a mirror put up to me and im really struggling with how to process it.
As I read, I kept wanting to say to you "what's the reward/expected result from this mammoth effort you're putting in??" Whats the end goal? Because this reads as A LOT of effort for what possibly will be a minimal return. If no return to be perfectly and bluntly honest. And I say this bc ive had a good therapist put that question to me as well.
There's no gold star provided by anyone at the end of this road. There's no reward of a trophy or marking of a milestone in this either. It's just yourself and the relationships around you that you can only hope they will be there in the end. But ultimately you have to live with YOU at the end of the day.
Is your therapist really challenging you? Is your marriage therapist acknowledging the work u guys are putting in elsewhere and using that in ur sessions? Because a lot times, that doesnt actually help - it can hinder. Individial therapy is not for a couple and vice versa.
I cant help but read how much work and struggling you're under and partaking in, and just wondering what the expected result is to be??
Agree with Off the Roller
It struck me too - what you describe is a Herculean effort to balance something that is inherently unbalanced.
As soon as there is a little less effort put in, there will be a tilt.
And this matters since what I perceive as core ADHD dysfunction is exactly this: lack of consistency, lack of memory, lack of prioritization, compartmentalization and organized thought. In a matter of weeks, agreements in my marriage were always forgotten. Other stronger currents made behavior drift.
And when that happened, damaging trust, there was ADHD unawareness and lack of initiative, lack of repair.
And there was also shame and denial about all of the above.
We finally had excellent help, like you, spared nothing and saw the best professionals. Only they had no influence over ADHD behavior. Certainly not at home, and certainly not a couple of days after a therapy session.
I hope you will have a better outcome than we had. I was pushed to a point where I decided to never again make any efforts for him.
This
"Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD."
And
"It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them."
And
"She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist, herself an ADHD adult, likewise commented, "She’s in the next moment for her and no longer sees you."
Let me try to pull these things together from my own AuDhd point of view. The best way I can think of is sharing a different experience I've also had my entire life, which I think can relate this well.
I was born with a ( or developed ) a hearing loss as a infant. I've only known "hard of hearing" as a way of life, and adapted accordingly. It wasn't until just 4 years ago when I got hearing aids for the first time, that I realized just how much I missed when people talk to me. Hearing aids give me almost "bionic hearing" now since I can raise the volume at will. Now, I hear everything especially when I turn then up to full volune ( which is actually too much most times ).
Without realizing it, my adaptations most likely gave me the ability to hear fewer words, but still derive the massage or meaning of wgst people say. In a normal sentence, I may miss certain words, but hear enough to complete my understanding. That's the good part. I'm very good at doing this and it works most of the time. With hearing aids, it's a must easier process and I don't have to work so hard to hear people when they speak.
On the down side. Also, without realizing it, I simply stop saying: "what?", "excuse me?", "I didn't hear that last part?", "you didn't do..what?"...or a dozen other things you might say when you miss a key word. It's because I'd be doing it all the time none stop, and people would quickly get annoyed. Trust me, they do. So, I simply don't....and get what I need in context or, by filling in the blanks as best I can. It's far less than ideal...and sometimes, I use to miss key important words which later come back to bite me.
I'm not suggesting this as a possibility for anyone else, I'm just explaing what happens naturally, when one of your major senses is compromised. Also, poor hearing isn't something people don't understand. I've never been embarrassed to say "can you speak up, I'm a little hard of hearing". Everyone understands this and it's not a big deal ( to them or me ).
Which I can relate to the first quote about denial. In my case, denial was no issue including any stigma since I can mostly hear just fine. The denial is protection, from admitting you have somwthing wrong with you for what ever reason that is. Nothing is ever going to happen if you can't do things to fix the problem. That's a wall there's no getting around.
In my last relwtionship with X. I don't think remembers much of anything quite frankly. But, like me with my hesaring loss...she's adapted by not admitting she can't remember ...because she'd saying "I didn't/don't remember all the time. Like me, if she actually admitted every time she can't remember...people would get really annoyed after a while. So, like my example, she just doesn't. The only difference...I don't have a problem saying I don't hear well ( and do quite often one time to anyone ) she, on the other hand, is hiding it out of shame. That changes things dramatically between the two of us and how this affects others. I think pushing or trying to get someone to admit their dysfunction is at the heart of the "friction" you mentioned. IMHO.
The last quote is self explanitory but, if a person has adapted ( a lifelong pattern ) by not admitting they can't remember or having some kind of dysfunction, then theyre going to dig in....and just not. They'll do sonething else instead.
In the case of my hearing, it's kind of hard not to notice. I was, and have been, fully aware of this issue. And, I have always been fully aware, that people get annoyed at to many "can you repeat that?". These things were very clear from long ago.
So in this one instance...I'm also aware of when I miss a word or two...and choose not to say anything. I get the jist in context...and move on. Most of the time, it's just easier to not to say anything. This became very apparebt when I finally got hesring aids.
But if a person is in denial, they're probably not even aware, they chroniclly avoid admitting it as a fixed pattern of behavior. "Not admitting"...IS their default as an adaptation. I also think this is/was, a fixture in my own family of origin.
IMHO