Make no mistake, addressing our relationships with ADHD partners no matter our own personal issues which may contribute or complicate matters is not just a marathon (certainly not a sprint), it is an ultramarathon mountain race on par with the Montblanc. It's hard, and it remains hard, for both partners. I must remind myself constantly to hang in, talk myself off various cliffs (giving up, giving out, walking away...), and pick myself up and get back in there and fight. My wife is extraordinary, I do love her and enjoy us together when we're in a good place. I also regularly hear Roy Orbison belting out "She's a Mystery to Me" in my head. I am mentally and physically tough, and this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done.
I write because it's a form of gestalt for me and because I hope it's helpful to others. In my last post, I detailed some history and state of progress in working on the issues arising from my ADHD spouse's symptoms. Here, I update. In my profession, my forte was assembling teams of credible experts to provide complete coverage of generally accepted approaches and act as second opinions/validation for each other. My wife and I are now each working with two therapists, and this week will begin work with a fifth specializing in couples' therapy. I often smile when reflecting on the line from Mario Puzzo's "The Last Don", "He was a quality man and spared no expense". The team consists of an M.D. psychiatrist practicing talk therapy who did an internship focused on ADHD at one point in his career and a CBT/DBT specialist in eating disorders for my wife; a specialist in CBT/DBT who herself is diagnosed with ADHD and a Ph.D psychologist who practices a mix originated in England consisting of both elements of talk therapy and CBT/DBT and mindfulness for me; and, last, a Ph.D psychologist specializing in couples' therapy. We both find the talk therapy (think slow cooker the end result of which has potential to be really great once you get there) very useful to help us uncover triggers and learned behaviors/patterns dating to childhood and past relationships. We both need the CBT/DBT to get the tools immediately necessary to keep the patient (us and our relationship) alive on the operating table (think a microwave oven). Rachel Ban has used the term "in hospice" for couples in extremis, which I find apt. I originally started with a pure talk therapist who, appreciate him though I might, simply wasn't a fit and was progressing like molasses dripping in January.
We are now well into our second year of working on our issues and our relationship, have inarguably made demonstrable progress, and also inarguably continue to struggle. Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD. We have continued to have points at which I feel like, and tell her, she doesn't seem happy with me, she doesn't seem to like being with me, and she doesn't seem to want to be with me, so let's cut our losses and end the suffering. And yet, we are continuing to work and assign resources to the work.
The two most important incites I've gained recently are these: It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them. Of signal import to me, after listening very closely to description of an incident in which we'd made a decision my spouse repeatedly negated over my objections and statements of my need to stick to the originally agreed plan, said stated his own realization out loud: "She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist, herself an ADHD adult, likewise commented, "She no longer sees you."
The ADHD partner, in this case, has obtained what for them is a first step in their own agenda which may have little in common with what I perceive as a clear plan to go on a date together. The ADHD partner has obtained the incremental agreement of the non-ADHD spouse to day, time, location and a general plan which, for them, is the first step to invite a larger group of friends. Literally, as the ADHD spouse calls to make reservations for 6, or 3, or later 4 more people in front of the non-ADHD spouse as (in my case) they are waving and verbalizing, "No, no, no, it's a reservation for two, it's just us...", they continue on as if we do not exist. Finally, as we wait for a ride to the venue I'm informed Option 2 didn't work out and she has invited two different people to join, neither of whom I want to spend the evening with. Because, as articulated by my therapists, the ADHD adult is in the next moment focused solely on the plan in their own head. The information I add in that moment goes right into the mix, with zero priority, buried with every other piece of information subjugated to the focus of the moment. Like a word problem solved in retrospective consideration, I see all this clearly from the education I've received about ADHD adults and our relationships with them. It's easy to experience this as a rejection, to be hurt and sad and angry that my partner doesn't want to be with me and is desperate to avoid intimate one-on-one experiences with me, to experience this as disrespect, rude and a passive aggressive violation of my boundaries--AND I must remember that makes no sense because only a few days previous we'd had a great date night and a lot of fun together. As we would do again days after this episode. So, rationally, intellectually, I must recognize it is something else even while my negative thoughts and feelings run rampant. Which is why I'm in therapy--to learn to recognize those feelings when they arise and employ the tools necessary to manage them and avoid an escalation as was the case almost daily a year ago. AND, we are both doing much better on that count. As hard as I am working, she is as well. The couples therapy will focus on, shocker, communication. The issue is that my ADHD partner knows, acknowledges the value and benefit of, and has agreed with me to use the communication tools we learned in our couples seminar here, but even as I'm putting up my hands in a "stop" gesture and say I do not want to talk about a topic further at this time she blows through it like it's not even a speed bump. "Yes, I see you do not want to talk about this anymore now...And, furthermore blah blah blah..."
I have been given multiple vehicles (rationalizations is what they really are) to sidestep her denial for now. Some are a real trip. But at the heart of each is a recognition she is experiencing a different reality and processing of it than I do and is not intent on hurting me. I am not in the "superpower" camp, and my view is that the impact is serious dysfunction that must ultimately be addressed and not sidestepped. For all the reasons discussed in this forum it is a horrible burden on the non-ADHD partner, and also I think a kind of living hell for the ADHD partner. From time to time I reach a point of complete exhaustion and total desperation. The progress and regression is a continuous cycle. There remains an absolute need, if I am committed to give her and our relationship a chance, to buy time for her to progress in her own therapy and come to terms with the reality of her ADHD.
My final point in this post is this: it requires great patience, perseverance and emotional strength to exercise the "stop loss" necessary to minimize ongoing and additional harm while each seriously addresses the issues in the marriage ADHD-related and (almost always) otherwise present. A lot of support is in order, professional, and through friends and family when "safe" and available. There is no silver bullet, in all likelihood no permanent and complete fix in any positive outcome, and it takes time and a lot of it. That's the truth for me.
