Forum topic: I'm scared & so very tired

I am in a very similar situation right now, still together but wondering what I am going to do as retirement is near. Husband’s business has not been profitable for past 5 years and he is continuing to take from investment account (our retirement funds) to prop up the business; he now claims these funds are for his use only. I also recognize what you say about items piling up. We remodeled our house in 2004, and husband still has packed boxes in garage that have not been touched since that time. His home office has items piled up under his desk and printer stand to the point that it looks as if he is in the middle of a move. He bought a selection of protein powder products that have been sitting on the floor for over 6 months now.

I have no easy answers for you. We have been in therapy since February 2026, and he is making little effort to change his behavior. I have done all I can on my own. We are heading to Family Mediation in mid-September as therapist indicated there is nothing more to do if he will not even engage in conversation.

At this point, I am not hopeful that Mediation will work. I consulted with an attorney earlier this year, so have been relying on her for support and good advice. I realize that at 67 I may have to separate and divorce (after 44 years) to save myself and have a reasonable chance at a retirement that will not be strapped for funds. I am beyond sad at this time.

It is said you should believe people as to what they show you: husband has shown me that his business/clients are most important to him (he works 7 days a week and every evening), despite what he tells me he plans to do (take time off, etc.). 

I am a very strong and confident person, but this is shaking me as I am certain it is you. Know that you are not alone in this journey. It may not make it better but perhaps will allow you to see a way forward that puts your interests first. The attorney consultation was very helpful to me as it showed me what I was facing. Therapy has also been a lifeline for me (therapist has helped me clarify what I need). Wishing you all the best and hoping you can find the support you deserve.

I too am struggling to accept the fact that husband has no desire to broach/resolve issues in our relationship. I have tried so much over decades (we have been to half a dozen therapists over 44 years) that I thought at some point that it would get through to him. I do understand that he probably has undiagnosed ADHD and that this makes everything more of a challenge for him, but I also feel as if I deserve partner who at least makes an effort to improve rather than just try the same unsuccessful methods each time. It is a catch 22. If I stay, I put my happiness and peace second to his while I try to keep all the balls in the air to make his life more comfortable. I am now coming to the realization that is no longer my role. After 44 years, I am exceedingly sad. The Family Mediation scheduled in mid-September is truly my last ditch effort and I have told husband this, but am uncertain he really grasps the reality.

Wishing you the best in locating a therapist for your needs. It has helped me immensely, and I am certain it will help you navigate your situation as well. The only other advice I can offer is stay authentic to yourself. I am trying to do that now (even though it may be detrimental to my future), but feel as if that is the only way I can hold my head up when all this is over.

I think many with ADHD have no idea of the impact of their disability on their loved ones. 

Also, at least with my ex, there was a kind of defaitism I could never understand. He seemed convinced he had no power to change anything that involved me. He decided if I had expressed something, like a need, a disappointment, a boundary or an emotion, that was it. I had stated how things were, and he had nothing to add. It was like I was given final authority over outcome of everything, and he remained passive like it was the only option. Even when I was emphasizing at the top of my lungs we had to repair the relationship, otherwise our family would fall apart. He’d sit passively, trying nothing. It’s the equivalent of letting the house burn down around you without trying to put out the fire. Even when the extinguisher is in your hand.

This might be the most dysfunctional and terrifying ADHD symptom of them all. 

I think at some point where the ADHD and non realities have drifted apart, nons will still hope to be validated by their partner. It’s understandable. I’ve done it too and struggled with it for a long time. 

But there will possibly never be validation. It’s at this point you will need to defend yourself and your reality. They might never see how poorly they’ve treated you. They might never acknowledge your pain and your losses. You however need to stand your ground and believe your senses. I found refusal to accept his reality the gateway to saving my health and protecting my future. 

As I read your list of concerns, and even once said "problem?".....I definitely agree, your husband sounds like he has a list of personal problems he either: refuses to address OR; he has a legitimste disfunction. One would be more intentional, the latter is not intentional at all. You're problem, as it appears is, what to do about it from everything you've said.

Let's take a couple things you mentioned and put some perspective on it, starting with his suspected hesring loss. Something I've dealt with most of my life. 

Get hearing aids!! Problem solved!  Seriously. I hear better with hearing aids, than I have my entire life at age 68. It's such a simple solution, and I even have volume control. I have to recharge them at night, but, that's about it. They require cleaning and a tiny bit of maintsnence but you stick them in and forget sbout it. I've worn them now for 4 years and they work exceprionally well.

That's one exanple on your list that is 100% fixable and 100% effective. All it took was one visit to a hearing specialist and it fixed the problem....permanently. 

But then you said this: "He can't follow a map (by phone, car GPS, or paper), so anytime we drive somewhere we're not familiar with--or, in his case, a route we've taken numerous times--the trip ends up with screaming. He acts helpless."

Being AuDhd ( with the added autism part ) makes me a walking contradiction. What you just described sounds like my oldest sister to a T. In fact, the entire "technology" aspect for her ( like computers, cell phones, lawn mowers, etc ) is completely missing in her repetoire. But especially the spatial awareness or spatial abilities that make those skills possible. Without those capacities, a person is literally helpless. In her case, her husband drives and she simply does not. She doesn't drive anywhere. She can't even drive across town to a place she's been to before many times. She's afraid to drive over bridges ( an odd phobia ) and there's a river that runs through the middle of town. That makes it almost impossible for her to drive anywhere so, her husband does all the driving since she's incappable of "fixing" something, there is no fix for.

I can say this because I'm gifted in the exact thing that is lacking in my sister. My spatial abilities are exceptional at times. My ability to return to a place I've been wothout a map is simply unquestionable. And I read maps ( and always have ) with incredible ease. Without anyone showing me how or getting instructions. It's intuitive. I don't have to try. In fact, I returned to the place I am right now without a map. There was one road sign ( the entire way, on gravel dirt roads ) and I returned here with ease...just using my gift, and nothing else. And in comparison to my own sister...I crossed multiple bridges too! Lol I don't understand the bridge thng but...I don't have that issue either.

My point being in this one example. Nothing will ever give my sister my ability. I cannot transfer my spatial gifts to her...to replace her deficit. The only answer to this problem is acceptance that she's simply incapable, where in my case, I'm exceptional. That's the answer to this particular problem. And in my sisters case... her husband drives, unlesz it's down tge street to a store or location near by. If it's across town ( over a bridge ) soneone else has to do it for her. Problem solved.

I'd suggest doing the same. Viewing each problem individually, instead of lumping them all together as the same. Some are easy fixes like hesring aides ( which requires no ones help ) and sone are not fixable...like, trying to give my spatial gift to a person who has none like my sister.

Also saying, if a person simply refuses or just won't try or bother, that's a different issue entitely....but also, saying,  a personal problem that's not your's to fix. It could be one, both or niether...but they all require their own specific solution....one problem at a time. 

What struck me in your posts, 2Independent, is that fear and exhaustion are feeding each other: you can't rest because you don't know the real numbers, and you can't get the numbers because you're too exhausted to fight for them. Financial secrets do that — they keep you living in a fog of "what if," which is often scarier than any actual balance sheet.

Two things helped people I know in similar spots:

1. Get a hard, factual picture before mediation — full statements for every account you know of, both credit reports, the retirement accounts. Even if the news is bad, a known bad number is calmer than an unknown one. It also stops the mediation from being run on his version of reality.

2. A session with a fee-only financial planner (not one selling products) plus an elder law attorney, specifically about protecting your retirement if his impulsiveness continues. You mentioned an attorney consult helped — this is the same idea, aimed at your half of the balance sheet.

And on "I wish I didn't have to be responsible for so much" — that's not a complaint, that's the actual problem. The mankeeping post you referenced says it well: every task you absorb teaches him it will get absorbed. Counseling for yourself isn't about fixing him; it's about deciding, with a clear head, what you will and won't carry into your seventies.

You're not mean. You're just done pretending this is sustainable.

The car and the mower would annoy me, but the not knowing is what would keep me up at night. You cannot plan around a fog. Before your week off, maybe ask for one single hour with every debt on the table, framed as planning for your older years together rather than an audit of him. If he cannot give you that one hour, that answer is information too. A number is scary. A fog is scarier.